Claire's Song (24 page)

            "Lay with me?" I ask as I release her from my embrace and take her hand. I lead her to the bed and she raises her eyebrows at me.

"The L-word doesn't mean I’m going to jump into bed with you, no matter how sexy you are," she says with a smile. That smile kills me.

            "You know me better than that," I grin back at her and pull her onto the bed. She laughs and I tickle her, only to make her laugh even more. She gets on top of me, searching for a spot, only to be disappointed. I've never been ticklish.

            "You suck," she declares as she plops down next to me on the bed.

            "You love me though," I say, because it sounds nice, even if it is hard to believe.

            "I really do," Claire says as she lays her head on my chest. "I really do."

CHAPTER NINETEEN

CLAIRE

            Things have been pretty tense around the house lately. It’s been three days since Ryder’s dad came to visit. It’s also been three days since Ryder first told me that he loves me. He tells me every day now. He gives me a kiss on the cheek or the forehead and whispers it in my ear. My heart leaps at the admission each and every time, just like it’s the first time. I’m constantly surprised at just how romantic and loving Ryder is. I never thought he’d be that guy, but he really is. He’s absolutely perfect to me, even with all of his flaws. He makes me happier than he should and he makes me think that life can get better. I look at the pictures of Jamie now and quickly look away, no longer staring at them incessantly, no matter how much I want to, no matter how often the pain tries to snake its way through my heart. I look away and still my breathing by flipping Ryder's guitar pick between my fingers and thinking of those gray blue eyes.

            Things at school are better, Lindy seeming to have disappeared from my life. She’s made herself scarce, as well as Darren and the rest of her posse. It’s almost like a new world. It would be ideal if Jamie could be here, if he could see me now. My thoughts threaten to turn dark and I try to force them away. But I can’t. I keep remembering that last night when he told me to find a guy that treats me like I’m everything. My heart threatens to shatter at the memory.

Of course I feel like Ryder treats me like I’m everything. I see it in his eyes, I feel it in his touch, hear it in his words.
Everything.

Racing, racing, my thoughts are racing and I pace the room, thinking about anything but Jamie and death and sadness.

            I look outside at the darkness that encompasses the yard. The moon sits in the night sky proudly, the stars shining and showing off their beauty. Nights like this when the air is cool, just enough to send a chill through your bones, are my favorite. Jamie snuck inside my room on many nights like this. The clock reads eleven, but it feels so much later than that. I feel tired as I stare back at my journal sitting on the bed. I can’t even make myself write in it.

            A light tap comes at the door and my heart leaps in my chest. I open it and find Ryder standing there in plaid pajama bottoms and a gray tee shirt. And he’s filling everything out like a champ. Since he's been eating regular meals, he’s starting to become more muscular than before.

            “Hey there,” I smile at him, looking down at my cat clad pajama bottoms and matching shirt. He’s seen me wear worse, so I’m not stressing it.

            “You lonely?” he asks, rubbing the back of his neck. The way his muscles stretch when he does that captures my attention. I step out a little ways past him and look down the hall and see that the light in my parents’ room is off.

            “Not particularly,” I smile, although he knows me so well. Could he sense that I needed him?

            “Oh, cool. In that case,” he grins at me and makes for his room. He’s too good at this game. I quickly grab his hand and wrap mine around it.

            “You want to come in?” I ask.

            He shrugs, “I don’t know. I mean, you’re not lonely, so I can always go work on some music.”

            My eyes brighten. “You can work on it in here, if you want. You’ve got that big show coming up, Mr. Rock Star.”

            A thousand emotions crash over Ryder’s face, the most noticeable being sadness. He tries to mask it, but it’s too late.
            “You don’t want to play the show anymore?” I ask, still standing in the hallway with our hands intertwined.

            He rubs his other hand over his face. His eyes are bloodshot and there are purple bags beneath them. I can’t believe I haven’t noticed how tired he’s been. “It’s not that, not at all. To play in front of a crowd is my dream.”

            “Then what is it?” I ask because I genuinely want to know. When someone’s dream is so close to coming true, aren’t they supposed to be happy about it? Instead, the boy I first met reappears, the one who kept those thick walls around him. He doesn’t seem like my Ryder, the one who kisses me sweetly, who makes me think crazy good things, the boy who loves me.            

            He shakes his head as he whispers, “It’s nothing. Not tonight, anyway.” He gives me a sad smile and leads me into my room.

            I want to argue. I think of all the times I wanted to argue with Jamie and I didn’t. Then he went off and killed himself. I should argue. I should.

            Ryder sits on the edge of my bed. He’s looking at me with sad eyes, silently pleading that I don’t do this. But I have too, because in some ways, I’ve changed.

            “Definitely tonight, Ryder. Don’t you get it? I didn’t ask Jamie, didn't go after him because I was too self absorbed or whatever to notice. Now I’m asking you because you seem weird, like really weird and I want to know what’s going on,” I say as I cross my arms over my chest. “And not to mention you look like crap,” I add, thinking of his rough eyes.

            A mirthless laugh spills from his lips and he rubs his hands over those tired eyes before looking at me again. “Thanks, babe,” he cracks.

            “It’s the truth. Now what’s going on? Is it your Dad?”

            I see his expression change and I know immediately it’s not that. But will he lie and tell me that it is? Did I just give him a one way pass to get out of this mess?

            “Yeah, kind of,” he says.

            I want to scream. I want to find out what the deal is with this gig? But I don’t. Instead, I let him have this one. But I
will
figure it out.

            “I thought I almost lost you when he came. I thought he’d make you move,” I answer.

            He shakes his head, “You won’t lose me like that.” Like that. My stomach twists in knots. Seriously? What does the even mean?

            “Okay…” I start as I sit next to him on the bed. This situation doesn’t seem to be getting any better, no matter what I do or say.

            Ryder shakes his head again. “That sounded worse than I meant it too,” he clarifies.

            “No, I mean, we’re only eighteen and we haven’t even been together for that long. It’s stupid to think that we could last forever, so yeah, I get it.” My voice has completely taken on a defensive edge.

            “Claire,” Ryder barely breathes my name. My entire body responds even though I don’t want it to. “Don’t say stuff like that.”

            I whip my head up towards him, “You can, so why can’t I? I know nothing lasts forever. I know better than anyone. If so, Jamie would still be here.”

            “And where would
we
be?” Ryder asks.

            It’s a legitimate question. Where would we be? Would we even be at this point? Jamie was my entire world, everything, always. Our relationship was the epitome of dependence.

            Ryder gives me a long look and then hangs his head. “Never mind, Claire. We’ve both got our secrets and let’s leave it at that.”

            A shift is in the air, tension crackling and waiting on bated breath. I don’t want it anything to change, although this feels off, ominous. I’m so desperate for nothing to change, not when I just got used to the new normal.

            “Lay with me?” I ask.

            I get a sad look from Ryder as he brushes his hair back from his eyes. My eyes zero in on the leather bands around his wrists, the ones he never takes off.

“Okay,” he relents as he scoots back against the headboard.

 I lay on his chest and my hand goes to the leather band. Ryder’s entire body freezes as I do this and then his hand takes mine, curling his fingers around it and moving it away from his wrist.

            “You wear those when you sleep?” I ask, a yawn coming out along with it. Suddenly everything has made me tired and I yearn to escape for a little while, to fend off the shift for as long as I can.

            “Yeah,” Ryder answers absently and that’s the last thing I remember before I drift off to sleep.

            “Claire Marie Watkins! Get up this instant!” An angry voice vibrates through my head, sounding like a pissed off Mama bear. I roll over and feel Ryder’s chest, I feel him moving and my eyes open, struggling to wake up, to realize what’s going on. My mother, yes, the pissed off Mama bear, is standing at the foot of my bed, wearing a scowl to accent her business attire. Her hands are on her hips and she’s staring at me and then she looks at Ryder, who is slowly stirring and sitting up with me.

            At first I’m sure this is a dream, because I can’t remember much else. I take in the scene, both of us in our pajamas, my angry mother, and then everything comes back to me.

            “Aw, hell,” I say out loud.

            “
Excuse
me, young lady?” My mother snaps and I swear Ryder stifles a snicker before he hops out of the bed.

            “I’m sorry, Mrs. Watkins. We were just sleeping, I swear, that’s all.”

            My mother looks at him and studies him for a minute. “Right, of course.” She moves a wayward strand of hair from her eyes before she continues, “But I still don’t think this is appropriate. I figured something was going on, but…but this can’t happen.”

            “What, Mom? Sleeping in the same bed?”

            My mom looks like I’ve slapped her. “Of course not! You’re both still in high school and you have separate rooms. Don’t make his arrangement a problem, Claire,” my mom says, the threat lying there beneath her voice.

            “Should I go?” Ryder asks as he stands there awkwardly looking between me and my mother like a tennis match.

            “Yes, might as well get dressed for school, but Ryder?” My mother calls after him, he’s already halfway out the door, eager to escape the dysfunction that’s currently on display. I could see the issue if we were lying there naked, but geez. “This can’t happen again, okay? It just can’t.”

            I sigh a big loud sigh, loud enough to sound like I’m five. Mom shoots me a look and I shrug in reply.

            “Yes ma’am,” Ryder says and disappears.

            “What are you doing Claire?” My mother asks, as soon as he’s out of the room.

            I get up from my bed and start rummaging through my closet for something to wear. “I’m getting ready for school,” I answer abruptly.

            My mother moves next to me and puts her hand on my shoulder. “Claire. He’s not Jamie. Okay? You can’t simply replace him. This is about much more than me finding a boy in your bed, which believe me, is not the highlight of my morning either. This is about you finally coming out of the funk you've been in. Your therapist says you’ve been improving, but she still thinks you’re not dealing with the issues, that you’re just shoving them down. Don't do that to Ryder. Don’t do that to
you
.”

            Tears are threatening to spill from my eyes at the mention of replacing Jamie with Ryder. Is that what I’m doing? I stand there frozen.

 “Claire, baby,” my mother whispers.           

            I turn and her arms are wide open. I fall into them easily and allow myself to cry in front of her for the first time since Jamie died. She smoothes my hair, kisses my forehead. “I love Ryder, too, though,” I cry, the tears coming faster.

            She holds me tighter, “I know you do, baby. I know you love him and he loves you too, anybody can see that much. But you can’t use him as a band-aid, as a way to get you by, do you see? You’ve got to be over Jamie first…”

            “I’ll never get over Jamie’s death,
never
. He took a piece of me with him that day, Mom. I’m just trying to live. That’s all. I'm trying and it’s
so
hard,” I cry. I cry because I miss Jamie, I cry because I love Ryder, I cry because something’s not right with him and he doesn’t trust me enough to tell me. I cry because my mom is comforting me like I’m a little girl again and I realize how much I've missed her.

            “I know, baby, and I know I haven’t helped you deal with it like I should have. I guess I was so worried that…that something would happen to you that I just pretended that everything was okay. It’s okay to miss Jamie, it is. What I’m saying is that Ryder’s a good boy, Claire. Be good to him, be fair to him.”

            As I look at the pictures of Jamie my fragile heart twists and threatens to break. Of course, I feel like I’m being fair. I love Ryder. I do. And he knows Jamie will always have a piece of my heart.

            “Now get ready for school,” my mother says, giving me one more squeeze before leaving the room. I don’t miss the fact that she's wiping her eyes, too.

            I throw on the next thing I see, not even caring if it matches. My eyes are swollen and puffy, but it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Ryder’s in his room, sitting on the edge of the bed, already dressed with his head in his hands. He looks so defeated.

            “Ryder?” I ask.

            He looks up at me, his gaze searing straight into my soul. “Everything okay?” He asks, his voice cold enough to send a shiver down my spine.