Change of Heart (23 page)

“Leah, come out.”

“Go away.” He heard the hiccup and the watery tone of her voice and knew she was crying.

“Baby, this is really about trying to help these kids. Yes, I wanted you to be impressed, I guess, but that’s not the only reason.”

She opened the door, looking furious and gorgeous. His pulse quickened, but he was smart enough to know this wasn’t the time for desire.

“I came here to start over. I finally had a chance to put my past behind me, and I thought I could. But more than anything else, I was going to use what happened to me to make a difference, to show others how they could overcome the trauma, to prove to them that it didn’t have to define them.” She shoved her way past him and headed into the hallway. “But then you come along and you’re so great. You’re kind and generous and just . . . ” She turned and met his gaze, her own watery again as she threw her hands into the air. “Wonderful.”

Leah cleared her throat, and he could see the resolve settle over her. Alarm tensed every muscle in his body.

“And now you’re saying that you’re falling in love with me.” Her voice choked and he rushed to her. “Don’t.” Leah held a hand up, refusing to let him closer.

He’d seen this side of her, the adamant, stubborn woman who was far too independent for her own good.

“What happened to me is over. I’ve moved on as much as I can. Yes, I still have occasional anxiety attacks. Yes, it has affected my relationships, and probably always will.”

“It doesn’t have to.” His voice was thick with emotion. He already suspected what she was going to say, and he didn’t want to give her the opportunity to say it.

“What I have gone through has made me the woman I am. It gives me insight that most other people would never have. I know how these kids feel, growing up in the system, unloved and unwanted. They don’t need to be fixed.
I
don’t need to be fixed.”

“I’m not—”

“Yes, you are.” She threw her hands into the air. She took a deep breath and another step away from him. “Start the foundation. It’s a great idea. But I can’t be a part of it with you. I can’t be with you, Gage, because you don’t love me. You love the idea of being my savior.”

“No, that’s not it.”

Leah crossed the room to the front door and grasped the handle. “You want to rescue me from my past, Gage. But this isn’t a fairy tale. I’m not a princess you’re going to rescue from an evil queen. You’re not my prince. There is no happily-ever-after. Not for me.”

She opened the door.

“Leah, can’t we just talk about this? You’re not even giving me a chance to say anything.”

He could see by the look in her eyes that arguing with her was getting him nowhere. He wasn’t sure how to make her see how mistaken she was, but standing here, in her entry, he knew that nothing he said would help. He walked toward the door, knowing that once he walked out, he might never get another chance to touch her, to say what he wanted to say. His hand rose to caress her cheek, his fingers trembled as his thumb brushed her lower lip.

“I’m not sure why you’re doing this, but I’m not going to give up. I’m not turning my back on us. I care about you too much, Leah.”

She closed her eyes, unwilling to look at him any longer. He brushed a gentle kiss to her lips before she could protest and felt her tear slip between the seam of their lips. Salty and bitter. It tasted like good-bye.

“For the record, it was you who saved me, Leah.”

L
EAH STOOD ON
the front porch of the house, watching as the group of girls arrived. Most of them had the frail, skittish appearance that characterized teen girls who hadn’t lived typical, prom queen existences, but there were two who looked more intense than the rest. Leah couldn’t tear her eyes from them and knew she would arrange it so both were in her first group when she, Jessie, and Julia split the girls up this afternoon. She could already tell that the pair was going to be difficult by the way they were refusing to follow Jessie’s directions, trying to hide their anxiety and fear behind masks of defiance. It was like looking into a mirror.

It had been four days since she’d told Gage good-bye, and she’d tried to throw herself into her work, preparing for this group of girls. It had been therapeutic during the day, but at night, when the ranch was quiet, she couldn’t help searching out the cabin, watching for lights, hoping for just a glimpse of him, even as she prayed that she wouldn’t see him. Her heart had shattered when he’d walked out the door. But it hadn’t been because he walked away, she was used to that. It was the last words he’d said to her:
You saved me.

She’d been so certain that he was trying to change her, the way everyone else had, that once again she’d made the assumption that he was the same. She still wasn’t sure she was mistaken.

Hell,
she
would have tried to change someone like her.

Wasn’t that exactly what she was trying to do as a therapist? Was there really a difference between helping someone and trying to change them?

She watched the two girls again, as everyone else crowded around the corral, where Jessie had brought in a pair of geldings for them to become acquainted with and where the girls would be able to rid themselves of any fears they might have with the horses. Jessie had suggested it as an opportunity for her to watch them without the girls feeling like they were under a microscope. But Leah knew, as a foster kid, you were always aware of people surrounding you, looking for ulterior motives and waiting for the next bomb to drop.

As if sensing her scrutiny, the older of the two girls looked directly at her and arched a brow, nudging the other and pointing.

Busted.

Now that she’d been spotted, she’d let Jessie introduce her to the group. The counselors already knew there was a therapist on staff, but she doubted they’d shared that information, and she didn’t want the girls to see her as someone trying to get into their heads. But she didn’t want to keep her role on the ranch a secret either. She and Jessie had already talked about not pressuring this group to reveal anything, considering their abusive backgrounds. She made her way down the steps, leaving the dogs in the house.

“Here comes Leah,” Jessie said as she approached. “She’s going to be helping us with some of the exercises. She’s a therapist, but she’s mostly here to make sure I don’t screw up.” Jessie winked at Leah.

“Hey, guys.” There were a few mumbled greetings, a couple of eye rolls, and the girl who’d spotted her leaned to the side to whisper into the other girl’s ear. Leah could only imagine what was said. “I have a feeling you guys will be better than I am with the horses within just a few days, since I barely know anything about them.”

She turned to Julia standing outside the corral quietly holding Emily. “And Julia has been great to help us with some dogs that are probably tearing up my kitchen right now, but I’m hoping I can at least help a little bit. Just know my door is always open.” She pointed to her house and saw Gage standing on the front porch of the cabin, watching her.

“Who’s the stud?”

Leah’s head jerked back to the group to see the voice had come from the girl who had spotted her. She was definitely more like Leah had been at her age than she wanted to believe—crass, impulsive, and probably hiding behind the hard-ass persona for protection.

Julia was the first to speak up. “That’s my brother-in-law. He was just visiting and is heading out today.”

Leah felt her stomach plummet to her toes. He was leaving? Julia met her gaze, and Leah didn’t miss the sympathy in them. She wondered if Gage had told Julia what happened.

“Too bad,” she heard from the same girl. She met the girl’s eyes, making a mental note to tell Jessie that she wanted plenty of time with the pair after the lesson.

“Anyway,” Jessie said, dragging the word out, directing the girls’ attention back to her. “I’m going to have all of you come into the corral slowly and check out these two boys. They’re both very gentle and have spent a lot of time being handled from either side. They’re big, but they’re more like big dogs than horses.”

Julia opened the gate and let the girls inside, while Leah tried to ignore the heat of Gage’s gaze on her back and focus her attention on the group, trying to pay attention to who seemed timid or unsure around the large geldings. There were only three who exhibited any sort of hesitation, and it didn’t last long once the rest of the group had surrounded the animals. Her gaze strayed away from the group back to Gage. He was already heading back into the cabin.

“You know,” Julia said, “he’s getting a place in San Francisco for a week or so to tie up some loose ends, and then he’s going to move in with us until he can find his own place in town.”

“Oh,” Leah said, flushing. “I don’t really . . . ”

Who was she trying to fool? She was sure everything was written all over her face. “He’s still planning on staying here in town?”

Julia nodded. “He’s pretty adamant that’s what he wants.”

If Gage stayed, she was bound to run into him from time to time, either in town or at Julia’s place. She couldn’t avoid him, even here on Jessie’s ranch. As much as it was going to pain her to see him, knowing that she had to remain distant, she had to put these feelings aside if she was going to do her job. The only other alternative was to leave Heart Fire and this place where she’d finally felt like she belonged, where she had a purpose.

“You should talk to him.”

“There’s nothing left for us to say.”

The words sounded hollow. Leah knew there wasn’t one ounce of truth in them, and for someone who’d demanded the truth from Gage, she wasn’t sure why she couldn’t face it coming from her own heart.

G
AGE STARED AT
the San Francisco skyline as the sunlight reflected off the glass of the nearby buildings, nearly blinding him. He should be looking over the locations his real estate agent had marked as possible building sites for Apotheo. But, as much as he wanted to make it a reality, San Francisco held no appeal. It seemed ridiculous now, but he’d hoped Leah would want to do it with him, had visualized them building it into something special together. Without her, his life seemed like a vacuum, sucking the energy out of him.

He’d left the ranch four days ago and had filled every waking moment with meetings, agendas, and proposals. Anything that might distract him from thoughts of the woman he wanted to be holding. He couldn’t even crawl into the hotel bed without remembering the way she’d curled into him, as if he was her shelter in the storm of life. She’d clung to him like a lifeline and he’d loved it. Loved feeling like he was the only man who could reach her, the only person she let close.

A savior.

Maybe Leah had been right. Maybe he did want her to see him as a hero. But if that was all he’d wanted, he’d have been able to walk away without feeling like his heart had been crushed. There was nothing keeping him going right now other than the hope that with some time and space, she’d realize what they’d had was special.

It wasn’t about changing or their pasts or mistakes. It was about becoming the best they could be, and he didn’t think either of them could do that without the other. He just wasn’t sure how to convince her that he was trying to make himself better, for her. He
did
want her to see him as a hero, but not by changing her—by changing himself.

“Mr. Granger, it’s six o’clock and, if it’s all right with you, I’d like to head home.”

He waved off his assistant, a young man who had attended UCSF, majoring in business leadership. He’d shown promise, and George had mentioned that they should consider him for a position better suited to his skills.

“Jeremy?” Gage turned away from the window and faced the young man.

“Yes, sir?”

“Are you happy working here?” A look of confusion swept over him and Gage didn’t miss the hesitation in his answer. “I’d like the truth.”

“To be honest, sir, I
have
been happy here, at times, and I think with you back in charge again, it will be better.”

It wasn’t the answer Gage expected. He folded his hands together and pressed them against his lips, thoughtfully. “What did you want to do when you were young?”

The question seemed to throw Jeremy off guard, but he recovered quickly with a half-smile. “Besides a professional football player or a superhero?”

Gage returned his smile. Such was the dream of all boys, he supposed.

“I wanted to be a teacher.”

“Really?”

Jeremy nodded. “I even spent my summers tutoring.” He shrugged. “And then I realized that I’d never make a good living at it. So, I focused on business instead.”

“Do you regret it? Not teaching, I mean.”

“Sometimes,” he admitted. “But I had to make a choice and used the information I had at the time. Who knows how things might have turned out? I can tell you that I’ve been able to help my parents put my little sister through college thanks to this job. I couldn’t have done that as a teacher.”

“If you could teach and keep your current salary, would you do it?”

Jeremy paused, thoughtfully. “Honestly, I don’t think it helps anyone to play a ‘what if’ game, sir. My dad always said life was like his job driving a bus. If you look back too long, you’re going to wreck, and a whole lot of people are going to be hurt.”

Gage thought about what Jeremy was saying. Maybe that had been a big part of the problem with him and Leah. They were both so focused on their pasts that they weren’t able to see the future ahead that was calling, ready for them to let go and stop looking back. They’d wrecked.

Jeremy smiled slyly. “Now, if you’re offering me a position with Apotheo, that’s a different story.”

“You’d want to be involved?”

“Mr. Granger, I’d be honored.” He turned to leave and paused in the doorway. “Sir, I’m not sure what has you questioning yourself, but I will tell you that your employees trust you. We all respect the way you stepped up after the last . . . well, you know. You may have made a mistake but you owned up to it. There are a lot of tech companies in the Bay Area we could have worked for. You’ve reminded a lot of us why we chose to work for you. You’re a man of your word, sir, and there aren’t many men like you around anymore.”

Gage stared after his assistant and thought about his parting words. Jeremy might be quiet, but he was wise beyond his years. He’d make a fantastic teacher at Apotheo, but Gage owed the man far more than simply a job and would find a way to thank him. He’d helped Gage realize exactly what he needed to do to show Leah how he felt about her.

K
AITLYN SHOT
L
EAH
a “hell no” look that made it clear she wasn’t climbing on any horse they put in front of her, regardless of how many people told her it was safe. At seventeen, the girl might be the oldest of the group, but that was also part of Leah’s problem. Kaitlyn held a lot of sway with the other girls, and several tended to follow her lead. If she refused to ride, calling it a stupid waste of time, the others might do the same, and the entire week would be shot.

“Jessie, why don’t we break up in three groups today with the dogs,” Leah suggested.

It had been something they’d planned to do tomorrow, but it was better to change their plans than let Kaitlyn think she could derail them altogether. Jessie didn’t look happy about the idea, but she trusted Leah’s opinions. And it was working. In the last three days, they’d been able to get four of the girls to open up about their lives, including the abuse they’d suffered. One of them had never told anyone, and they had already alerted her social worker.

“I’ll go call Julia and see if she can come help.”

“Dogs?” Kaitlyn rolled her eyes. “You mean those flea-bitten mutts in your house?”

Leah laughed quietly. “What? You’re not a dog person either?”

The girl glared at her, but Leah didn’t miss the unease in her ice blue eyes.

“I’m not an anything person.” She sighed heavily and leaned against the hitching post. “Why can’t we just go back to the cabin and sleep? Or go swimming in the pool?” She complained, looking toward the other girls, trying to encourage a few to stand behind her minor rebellion. “I thought this place was supposed to be fun.”

“And what would you consider
fun?”
Leah looked around the group. Several of the girls looked nervous. Her gaze flicked to Jessie, walking out of the main house on the cell phone.

“Anything other than being here, out in the middle of nowhere,” Melanie, Kaitlyn’s sidekick, replied quickly, looking to Kaitlyn for approval.

“Anything?” Leah eyed several of the older girls in turn, giving Kaitlyn a pointed look. “Because I doubt you’d like to consider the options. If I’m not mistaken, the next step for several of you is juvie. Or into yet another home?”

“What do you know?” Kaitlyn pushed herself to standing and leaned toward Leah. It wasn’t threatening, but it definitely wasn’t friendly. She was posturing, taking a defiant stance, and wanting to remind the others who they could count on to stand up for them. Leah had to use this opportunity to give them something to believe in, someone they could trust. Someone Kaitlyn could lean on without losing face.

“I grew up in the system. By the time I was eighteen, I’d been in seventeen foster homes. Until my last one, I never stayed in any of them longer than two months.” Leah saw shock register in the faces of several of the younger girls, but she focused on Kaitlyn.

“So? You think that makes you like us?” Leah noticed that while her stance didn’t waver, Kaitlyn’s voice had lost some of its defiance.