Caught Inside (14 page)

I answered quickly and then collapsed
my arms around myself and began to pout. Internally, I was an
emotional wreck. I would have cried the whole way home, but instead
I felt the insides of my head begin to ache with pressure as if it
wanted to explode. I felt my heart grip and release with pain. My
body chilled itself, and goose bumps appeared on my arms. My throat
felt tight, and I let out a cough into my hand to try to clear the
pain that was gripping me.

"Sounds like you got that cold that's
going around. Take a hot bath and a nice warm drink when you get
home." The elderly cab driver offered. I looked up into his
wrinkled eyes looking in the rearview mirror, and I offered a weak
smile. At this moment, I could only hope the freeway was clear and
the driver got me home as quickly as possible.

As soon as I stood naked from a hot
shower, staring out of my bedroom window at the same similar storm
that had been brewing when I left for Japan, I realized, I was
shattered into a million pieces. Tears were streaming down my face,
crying wails exited my throat as I tried to gag them back, and I
had no desire to attempt the agenda I needed to have planned for
the meeting in eight hours. I was no longer the woman of steel,
Jennifer Everest, the woman who climbed her way to the top of this
company. I was that little girl who got her heart broken by the one
boy I had spent countless hours at the beach admiring. The boy who
when I finally gathered up the courage to walk up to him with a
teenage girl smile in my new bikini and offer my name, he never
offered his name in return, only rejection and a round of laughter
with his friends before grabbing their boards and heading out of
the surf. Trey wasn't that boy, but if felt as if he let me go just
the same.

Chapter
Twelve

Trey watched the cab pull away in the
rain and wondered if he had made the biggest mistake of his life by
insinuating that they were done. He did not even give her a chance
to break his heart. He was sure hers was by the look on her face
when he did not accept her offer to share the cab and no promises
of see you later were mentioned. Something stopped in him and
turned cold when she did. He knew he would feel heart broken, but
he just could not get in that cab with her, knowing full well it
was only heading to heartache and some silly corporate notion that
she can't be anything more than friends with benefits. Stepping up
to break up whatever this was between him seemed like the sensible
thing to do, alleviating her of the pressure to have to do it
herself. However, he began to wonder, what if she had a last-minute
change of heart? What if he wrapped her up in his arms, kissed her
senseless would she rethink this strategy of hers?

By the time another cab arrived for
him, he was soaking wet in the backseat and answering a text from
Zach. Zach told him the weather forecast was to clear up in an hour
or two, and the gang was all going to be meeting out at the beach
for a sunset bonfire. He told him to bring Jennifer along with him.
Reluctantly, Trey's text back stated that he would be there -
alone. Just typing in the words, hurt as much as thinking about
it.

For the first time in his life, Trey
felt empty as he walked out onto the darken beach, bonfire a go,
reggae music playing, sexy women laughing and guys he could relate
to tossing back a beer. How could he feel empty, when this has been
his life? The life that he loves. The life he could always slip
right back into when he tried to step outside the box and be
something more. Like he was this last week.

He's not corporate social uptight
talking material, laugh at the right moment, say the right thing,
don't be too political. Jennifer was fooling herself if she thought
any man that had to endure that, would not want to let loose and be
social in other ways. Hell, half his clientele had boyfriends who
were anything but the perfect arm-mate in that kind of high-end
clientele drama. Perhaps he should have reminded Jennifer that her
client, Mr. Big Deal, don't' say or do anything wrong client, told
him that he liked him better in surf shorts holding his board. They
had joked about this being two different worlds, yet he did observe
her client and his employees not being too rigid, just
professional. However, when the day is done, you have to put your
party on; otherwise, your life is just not being lived.

Then he had to ask himself, could he
break her rigid stride of all professionals, all the time? Quickly,
he remembered the submissive fun-loving jokester in the hotel room
back in Japan and thought there was a possibility, but she would
have to make the first move.

He felt the vibration of his cell
phone in his pocket buzz with a text. He ignored it as Zach handed
him a beer with his arm around Hailey. She was dark-skinned and
white smile, ear to ear. Her dark-brown eyes sparkled as Zach
kissed her cheek. Then she asked about his trip as his phone
vibrated with another text.

With a quick 'it was great' remark to
Hailey, he held up his finger and mentioned to Zach that he had to
get this call. Someone hollered behind Zach and Hailey with a huge
loud hoot, and a firework went off over the ocean. Zach and Hailey
turned their attention away from Trey as he shook his head thinking
most of these people will never grow up and act 'professional', at
least not when they are at the beach having a good time and why
should they. Life was too hard and work took up too much time of
your life, so hanging loose and having fun is what he wanted to do
and hopefully one day, he would convince Jennifer of the
same.

His phone vibrated again just as he
took it out of his tan cargo short pocket. A condom fell out, and
he doubted he would use it on any other woman tonight. The touch,
taste and feel of Jennifer ruined him for that occupational fun he
liked to partake in. Tonight, would be drinking a few beers,
walking the beach to get home to his place and crashing hard as the
world of heartache was still crashing in around him.

By the time he looked at his phone,
the fourth text came in, all from Jennifer. Not a single one of
them said something like, I miss you, I want you, come get me.
Nope. They were all work related and quite cryptic that he did not
even want to think about them. If this was her way of reaching out
to him and showing her heart was aching too, then it was the wrong
way to go about it. He turned his cell phone off completely and
walked over to a couple of young women dancing in almost nothing
more than bikinis around the fire. He figured, what the hey and
joined in. However, it wasn't long that the ache of loss over
Jennifer kicked in, and he found an excuse to head home.

I needed to talk to Trey, and he had
not answered a single text. Several hours later, I finally pulled
myself together as the storm had passed and the sun was setting. I
could not believe it. He is probably dealing with his twins right
now, getting a little double action recall. That, or him and his
buddy Zach are doing shots at the bar and talking old school
surfing while hot little things gather around waiting to see if
they can take Trey home and sleep with him.

I got myself so worked up in jealousy
scenarios I wanted to scream. I had never been a very jealous
woman, competitive - yes extremely; however, I just aimed higher
and found ways to make those I might be jealous of, to be jealous
of me.

I was pacing back and forth on my
private deck by my hot tub and stewing over the fact that I had
seemed so cold and mean, and Trey did not even try to convince me
otherwise. But then, why would he? Why would he want to wrap me up
in his arms and tell me I am crazy if I think I am going to walk
away from a potential us? That he loves me and wants me. That I am
the perfect woman for him, and that we have some great plans ahead
of us.

Then I stopped pacing to the sound of
the heater kicking on in the hot tub. That reminded me of the
tender moments Trey and I shared the first night we were together.
Of course, he wouldn't wrap me up in his arms and tell me I was the
perfect woman for him, because I wasn't. I pushed him away at every
possible romantic moment instead of reassuring him. I was pushing
him away now with sending texts that only involved work questions
regarding my new client. That was what I did, and I had to figure
this out quick. My life felt empty without him, even though Prez
just sent me a copy of the client contract from Japan. We got full
disclosure rights to promote them. I should have been ecstatic over
that, instead I was beating myself up for being so mean to Trey and
wishing like hell right now that he was here, with me, making love,
and we were talking about a future together.

I woke the next morning with very
little sleep. The last text I sent to Trey was a sincere apology,
and that we needed to talk. That text was sent out in two in the
morning like a crazy ex-girlfriend might do. I had to ask myself if
this was a road I wanted to walk down or was I going to pull my
head out of my ass and grow up. I never answered my own crazy
internal dialogue of grow up versus go get him and make him want to
take you back.

I walked into the corporate office
like a storm of crazy flying monkeys were behind me, and I was in
all black with an imaginary magical staff in my hand. I acted as if
I was a force to be reckoned with and not a single person made eye
contact with me.

Trey had never called or texted back
to me that morning, and I was beginning to wonder if I had made the
biggest mistake of my life. So what was I going to do with this? Be
productive at work and throw myself into the new clients work? No!
I was going to yell at the barista at Starbucks for making my
coffee wrong instead of asking her how her new beau is and tipping
her. I was going to make damn sure I took up two parking spots in
the corporate underground parking garage, which was already short
on spaces. I was going to slam Lorna with work. I was going to tell
Prez that her new haircut made her look like a pixie doll. I was
going to... hell, I needed to lock myself up in my office and not
be around the general population for the next few days. All this
was stemming from the fact that Trey wanted nothing to do with me,
and I had put myself in these shoes, one foot at a time.

I knew what I just did today was
wrong. No one deserved my bad attitude. Worse than that, I had done
exactly what I had planned to do if a man ever stole my heart like
Trey did. It was too painful to know that at any time he could dump
me for a younger woman who wasn't so tied down with her career. It
was time I drew the line in the sand, created my distance and let
him walk away. My life was my job, and Trey would keep me from
doing it well. Because, ever since he stepped into my life, the day
that he gave me that flower from his office garden, I knew that I
was caught inside.

It tore my heart out to know that I
just pushed away the one great man in my life. I felt my head
pounding like a metal hammer to my head. There was no amount of
kindness in what I did. What I did was selfish, mean and
egotistically. I was trying to prove to myself, and the corporate
world around me, that I was a force to be reckoned with. I saw the
pain in his eyes, heard the distance in his voice when he told me
good-bye. I knew I was confused and maybe needed time to think
about our relationship and where it was going.

Memories of years ago with Christian
and the chaos he tried to create in my career by exposing me for
what I was, flooded back and perhaps caused me to create this
distance. I knew I was thinking like an ageist, sexist and a damn
mean female, which was what Christian had exposed me for. In some
regards, it was the true me, which I would not admit back then. No,
I fought him and his publication off, and I won a retraction to his
article. I got my client's business back, and I swore I would tear
that man up. Instead, I went back to my life - my career as that
was my only life, and the last time I had heard anything about
Christian was that he was writing a novel that was about to be
published. I hoped to God it wasn't about some crazy corporate
witch that used men, but I guess I couldn't blame him. He was
right. Paying for sex is wrong. Talking condescending to him was
wrong. Trying to get him fired and making him retract his story,
well that was self-preservation, but it was wrong.

Then I found myself in the present
wondering. Had I not learned my lesson? Had what I done to
Christian any worse than what I just did to Trey. It was much, much
more devastating. I loved Trey. I knew it but I did not know how to
show it, and I did not think he deserved a selfish woman such as
myself.

Lorna walked by my glass office walls
and gave me a look that told me she knew something was up. She
always seemed to know but was kind enough to keep her distance. I
wouldn't even doubt if she had my period schedule marked with a
skull and cross bones on her calendar. As soon as she walked in,
closing the door behind her, I collapsed my head into my hands and
realized as tears streamed down my face, that this was the
stupidest things I had ever done.

I could ask myself why I did it, but I
knew. I knew that, deep down, my emotional fears were rising, and
they were not going down without a fight. I feared having children
because I was worried I would be a bad mother, as my own was. I was
the last thing on her mind when she got home from work and the
stigmatism of latch key kid was my life. I did not want to be that
kind of mother; therefore, I felt I had nothing to offer a kid if I
was twenty-four-seven on my job. However, Trey had convinced me
back in Japan that I could utilize my employees more, sneak off to
be with him to relax and enjoy ourselves, and then come back with a
clear head and a big smile on my face to boot. He spent tender
moments convincing me that a good mom did not mean you stayed home
and did nothing for yourself. He stroked my naked skin with his
hands and told me that I deserved my career and a great man like
himself. That if I wanted kids, it could happen better than I had
ever imagined. He stated it so dreamily while letting his hands
roam my naked body, how could I think that anything less than us
together would be more magical?