Catastrophe Practice (13 page)

The Barman turns to the audience. He acts as if he were ad-libbing —

Harry jabs a finger at the papers he is holding
.

The Hostess takes her papers back. She looks through them
.

He looks up to the back of the auditorium. He waves —

Coo-ee!

Harry is watching the Hostess
.

Harry says as if quoting —

The Barman speaks as if to the audience —

Harry turns away from the Hostess. He seems to finish the Barman's line
.

The Hostess goes out through the gothic door, left
.

Harry goes and sits on a stool at the bar
.

After a time the Barman, facing the audience, calls —

The Barman goes back to the bar. He puts away the bottles and glasses
.

The Barman goes to the food lift on the left of the bar and opens the hatch and shouts down in a mock upper-class voice —

He listens; then shouts —

And bring your tennis things —

He closes the hatch. He turns to Harry
.

The smell down there! Honestly!

He tidies the glasses and bottles at the bar
.

I read a book the other day. There was this headmaster, see, aged fifteen. He had them out in front of class. He'd been given carte-blanche by the parents —

The gothic door opens, left, and the Char comes in. She is a good-looking woman in her sixties. She wears a fur. She speaks with an upper-class accent
.

The Char glances at the audience. Then she comes to the bar and sits on a stool by Harry. The Barman faces her across the counter
.

He acts ghostly laughter
.

Then he looks down at the counter
.

There's one stipulation. You must bring her home before morning.

They wait
.

After a time the Barman comes round to the front of the bar. He acts —

Their arses are up around their ears.

Hooray! Hooray! Down falls the cherry blossom! —

He waves his arms. He waits
.

Then he yells —

You've got a spare, haven't you? A jack? —

The Char and Harry remain with their backs to the audience
.

She waits
.

No.

She looks at the Barman
.

He had some wire; and one of those hats, you know, like witches.

They wait
.

The Barman seems to be in despair. He acts, facing the audience —

The Char seems to copy the Hostess —

Harry stares at her. Then he turns from her and gestures round the room
.

He turns to the Char and tries to put an arm round her
.

The Char pushes him away
.

The Char seems to quote —

They wait
.

It is as if a cue has been missed
.

Harry turns to the Barman —

The glass door, right, opens and the Hostess comes in. She turns and holds the door as if there were a wind blowing from outside
.

There come in through the door, as if there were no wind, Waldorf and Geordie, an older and a younger man. They are dressed in fashionable clothes. They carry briefcases. It is possible that one of them might be a woman
.

They go to the table, right, and put down their briefcases. Then they look round the room
.

The Hostess has managed to close the glass door. Then she turns to Harry
.

Harry, at the bar, is looking at the gothic door. The Barman has gone to the machine at the back and is facing it as if it were a pin-table. He pulls a
knob. A few lights come on; then fade out
.

Geordie has gone to the machine where the Barman is standing. He seems to be waiting for a telephone to be free
.

The Char is watching Harry
.

Then the Char and the Barman seem to talk as if prompting Waldorf and Geordie
.

The Hostess comes and stands by Harry. She stares at him. After a time Harry seems to quote —

Then he knocks the papers the Hostess is holding out of her hand: they fall to the floor. He and the Hostess stare at one another as if in hostility
.

The Barman leaves the machine. He comes and stands by Waldorf at the table, right
.

Geordie picks up the handpiece of a telephone which is on the right side of the machine. He begins to dial. The Barman speaks looking at the audience
.

Put a nosebag on him and you couldn't tell him from the one-legged horse.

Waldorf is sitting facing the audience
.

Geordie continues dialling — a dozen or so numbers
.

The Barman listens, standing by Waldorf
.

Once one didn't wake up for three days. Papers piled up against his front door. They
couldn't get past his milk bottles!

The Hostess has got down on her hands and knees and is picking up her pages from the floor. Harry watches her
.

Geordie has finished dialling
.

The Barman speaks to Waldorf
.

Harry puts out a foot and, balancing delicately, lifts up, from behind, the skirt of the Hostess, who is collecting her papers from the floor. The Hostess becomes still
.

The Barman moves back to the machine. He waits for Geordie, who is listening to the receiver. After a time Geordie puts the receiver down as if there had been no reply
.

The Barman rolls his sleeves up. He takes hold of the machine
.

He struggles with the machine: bangs it. Then he puts his arm round it as if trying to lift it. Then he bows his head and puts an ear against it

— Bitch! I know you've got it!

Then he seems to cry
.

The Hostess has stood up. She grabs a bottle from the bar and hits at Harry with it
.

Harry holds her arm: smiles
.

After a time Geordie seems to think that Harry is talking to him
.

The Barman speaks excitedly with his ear against the machine
.

The Hostess puts the bottle back on the bar
.

Geordie is staring at Harry
.

Harry stares at him
.

Then the machine makes a whirring noise, as if of a ticker-tape machine, or computer. The Barman raises his head. He waits while a bit of paper comes out. Then he takes the bit of paper and seems to be reading it
.

The Char says to Harry —

Harry is watching the Barman
.

The Barman screws the bit of paper up and throws it to the floor
.

Harry clutches his arm where the Hostess has hit at him. Then he falls on to his hands and knees on the floor. He crawls to where there is the piece of paper
.

Waldorf has looked round at Harry; then at the Char; then at the Barman; then at Geordie
.