Capricious (9 page)
All the best,
Ashraf
NOT YOUR BUSINESS
Samir looks left then right
Then plants a kiss on me
Behind Starbucks.
Samir looks intent
When he reads the email
On my phone
Samir looks at his feet
When he tells me
I don't understand.
Samir looks at his watch
And I remind him
I lost a brother once.
He lived and died
In the time it takes
To tell his story.
We look at each other
Across that chasm
Ashraf described.
DUSK
The sun skims along the horizon
Rolling slowly like a ball neglected
Slipping into the earth reluctant
Darkness trickles over houses
Leeching colors from lawns sighing
And cooling the air relieved
My feet turn me away from home
And past sprinklers going
tsk tsk tsk tsk
As though they know my destination
Is David's house.
WITNESS
It's hard to watch someone you love
Watch someone they love
Fall apart.
Like all those times with Mom
Catching her
Weighing herself
For the fourth time that day
Watching her eat
Or not eat
And the way Dad looked at me
When she'd abandon dinner
It was hard to watch him
Watch her leave.
David beseeches his raving brother
To come inside
Hey, Ella, whazzup?
Michael slurs at me
Blinking and twitching
Let's go party.
And he yanks my hand so hard
I stumble onto the grass.
Whoa, sorry,
Michael says
And helps me up
That was uncool.
David doesn't move
He doesn't speak
It's hard to watch him
Watch this colossal wreck
This giant idol
Tumble over in the dust
Like Ozymandias.
Michael pulls his shirt off
Hey, Ella, let's moonbathe
He says and lies down
On the driveway.
His rib bones outline a history
Of self-neglect.
Come inside
, David whispers
I'm not sure to whom.
CONFIDE IN ME
It started again
At college
He dropped out
And came home
And seemed to get better.
But lately he's relapsed
I guess.
Relapsed.
I really never thought
I'd have to use that word.
And he's nineteen now
So we can't force him into rehab
Like last time.
Rehab.
Another word I never thought I'd need.
And now you're looking at me
Like “why didn't you tell me this
Before now?”
The thing is it's not every day
Sometimes he's like my brother
We shoot hoops and watch hockey
But sometimes he loses it
And runs off
Somewhere
Then he usually texts me
And I go pick him up
And he's like this.
ADVICE I COULD GIVE MY SISTER
They tell you boys will take what they want
From your body and leave you with nothing
But tears and unwanted babies, but really boys
Take much more (if you let them) from your heart.
They tell you to be strong and independent and
Decide where and when you want to give that
Part, but really you need to be strong enough for
Two because every feeling he'll need to share.
And he will be as helpless as that unwanted baby
In the face of sadness or regret or worry or anger
He won't know what to do unless you tell him and
Then you have to be prepared for him to blame you
When it all goes to hell.
COFFEE
Samir and I
Have coffee
Before his shift.
Him struggling
To not touch me
Me struggling
To wake up.
I rub my eyes
And focusing
See Genie.
The door swings closed
Behind her
And Samir
Seeing my expression
Spins.
Do you want me
To kick her out?
He asks.
She gets in line
Glancing my way.
The line moves slowly
I'll kick her the fuck out
Samir whispers
I don't care
What it looks like.
The line moves
She glances.
I still haven't
Remembered how
To speak.
Tell me what to do
Samir says.
Nothing, I manage
It's fine.
It's not fine.
She glances my way
Halfway down the line
Then, coffee-less, turns
And leaves.
TEXT FROM DAVID
Can't do lunch.
Looking for Michael.
Again.
Sorry.
HONESTY
I ask Marika
Is it wrong
To bail on someone you care about
Because you don't want
To deal with their problems?
Yes.
I-M-A-G-I-N-E
If
Mom
Had
B-A-I-L-E-D
On
Me.
I ask Marika
Is it wrong
To tell people
Everything's fine
When it's not?
S-T-U-P-I-D
Not
Wrong.
I ask
Is it wrong to have sex with one boy
When you are falling in love
With another?
She takes her time answering.
Wrong
And And And And
A-N-D
Stupid.
WISDOM
You
Are
S-E-L-F - D-E-S-T-R-U-C-T-I-V-E
For
All
The
Wrong
R-E-A-S-O-N-S
You
Think
The
World
Is
Out
To
H-U-R-T
You
So
You
Want
To
Get
There
F-I-R-S-T.
LAST MINUTE (S)MOTHERING
Do you have batteries
For the nebulizer?
Do you have the vials?
Your spare inhalers?
How far away is the clinic?
What's the phone number?
Drew, did you write it down?
What's the camp nurse's name?
Do you have sanitary pads?
Bug spray?
Sunscreen?
Band-Aids?
Socks?
Sunglasses?
A hat?
Do you have a hat?
Do you have our cell numbers?
Do you really have to go?
TURN SIGNAL
She watches the car
Until the traffic lights change
And Dad turns left
Toward the highway
Out of town
Out of her reach.
It's only two weeks, I say
She watches the corner
As the traffic lights change
Do you want to make lemonade?
I ask, her back turned to me
I wonder if it was me in the car
How long would she watch?
It's only two weeks, I think
Maybe Mom doesn't quite
Understand what I've lost too
My best and only girlfriend
The one who might listen
And snort with sympathetic outrage
If I ever gathered the courage
To tell her.
BRUSH AND INK
If Marika notices my silence
She makes no comment
Maybe in listening to my nothing
She catches the truth of me.
She makes no comment
When I press my brush to paper
And leave a shapeless blob
A spreading black stain.
Maybe in listening to my nothing
Something shouts of joy or darkness
Marika sees more than brush and ink
In my uncertain unmoving hand.
She catches the truth of me
The volumes of lore stacked on shelves
She'll find an unmanageable archive
If Marika notices my silence.
MORE SILENCE
When I get home
Mom is tutoring Nina
Aidan asleep in his stroller
Dad is in his study
Door closed.
I pour a glass of milk
In the empty kitchen
Adding things to the pile
Of stuff I really need to say.
Mom, I'm sleeping with Samir
Dad, David's brother is a drug addict
Mom, Samir's gay brother misses him
Dad, I think Kayli's boyfriend is a jerk.
I feel like I'm going crazy again.
Mom? Dad?
THE GIFT
Text from Samir:
OK, I'll call Ash 2morrow. 4 u.
Text from Ella:
Yay! What made u change your mind?
Text from Samir:
Jibreel asleep in my lap.
Love u.
DRIVING TEST: PART TWO
Last time
I ran a stop sign
Which is an automatic
Fail
And Dad said
Everybody fails first time out
And Mom said
You've got all summer to practice
And Kayli said
Did you hit anyone?
And I said
No
And I didn't say
That I ran the stop sign
Because I didn't see it
Because my eyes were full of
Tears
This time David brings me
Michael's car is smaller
Easier to drive
And he waits while I go inside
And fill out a form
And take a number
Only before my number comes up
I walk back out to his car
And buckle up staring at
Nothing
Okay
, he says,
okay
And we drive
Away
HE TRIES
I know something is bothering you
I wish you would tell me what
I'm not one of those intuitive guys
I'm not sure there is such a thing
I know something is bothering you
And I'm worried it's about us
But it's okay if you're not sure
We could take things slowly
I know something is bothering you
Is it your job or your parents?
I understand how painful both can be
You know I really like you, right?
I mean as more than a friend
But we're still friends too
If that's what you need because
I know something is bothering you.
SOMETHING
Itchy
Dirty
Like my skin
Is choking me
Like my limbs don't fit
Like I'm not a person
Like I'm watching the world
Through someone else's eyes.
Tired
Sad
Like I'll never do another
Interesting thing.
Like all I am is
Some girl to leave behind
Like trash
Like one of those
Missing kids
On milk cartons.
Lost
Alone
And unable to move
Or speak.
DAWN
So early that I haven't slept
When the sky brightens
My curtains and it
Must be a million degrees
I swear I'm swimming
In sweat.
So early that in the half
Awake I forget the
Reasons I sometimes
Dread the day, the
Effort to repress
My regrets.
So early that the birds
Are quiet still
They haven't yet
Awoken to the cats
Who stalk their
Drowsiness.
So early that
Yesterday seems too
Close to unfinished
Like time is overtaking
Me, a runner in a race
I didn't mean to enter.
MONEY
Another day with Marika
Unable to resist her joy
I'm slightly exhausted
Face sore from laughing
Down by the lake.
We watched ducks and boys
And agreed we prefer ducks
Because they're smarter
And have
C-L-E-A-N-E-R
Feet.
Ms. Sagal pays me with a check
I bank it, withdrawing twenty dollars
And blow it all at the thrift store
Under the church on Cornwall
Everything black, a little
Vintage funeral dress
A tiny men's tuxedo jacket
A long witchy skirt.
A T-shirt of an '80s band
No one remembers.
At Starbucks
Samir buys me an iced tea
And we sit on the patio
While he tells me that his brother
Told him that he's marrying
Another man in New York.
I ask him how he feels
And he says
Dead inside.
REALITY CHECK
What He Could Have Said:
“I'm so happy for him
I hope I can go to the wedding
It was great to talk to him
He seems to be in a good place
The guy, Ben, sounds nice
I can't wait to tell my sister
She'll be thrilled.”