Capricious (4 page)
You look good in a suit.
Right?
I might wear it to school.
Can you imagine?
Parker is not a very good Mormon, is he?
You're not a very good Catholic.
You're not a very good Jew.
What do you mean?
I'm circumcised!
Ew.
TMI
.
You ate five pounds of pork ribs
Right in front of me.
Those were emu ribs.
Emu?
Possibly ostrich. Or wombat.
It was Friday night
And you drove.
You're right
.
I'm a terrible Jew.
I'm not smart enough to start with
And I'm too tall.
Oh, they have tall Jews now.
They do?
Yes, it's new.
Who are “they” exactly?
Sears.
I see.
In the racial-stereotype department?
Yes. It's right next to lingerie.
I love it when girls say “lingerie.”
Even the word is sexy.
It's hilarious when boys say it.
Say “mascara.”
Mascara.
You're snorting again.
I can't help it.
You're funny.
That's because I'm Canadian.
Stop snorting!
Are you making me laugh
So my boobs will jiggle?
What?! No!
But awesome idea.
I haven't even been looking.
That's because you're a gentleman.
No, it's also because I'm Canadian.
You're right.
They ARE jiggling.
David!
What?
It was your idea.
They're like milky Jell-O balls
.
That's the worst boob metaphor
I've ever heard.
Surely not
.
How many have you heard?
And wasn't that a simile?
Thank you, Captain Language Arts.
YOU snorted!
I did not.
That was a chortle.
I should get inside.
I'll walk you to the door.
TEXT
There's a beep
An odd chirp
From David's pocket
And everything changes.
His smile becomes
A frown.
His laughter becomes
Silence.
His offer to walk me to the door
Vanishes.
His phone appears
And our joy
Our fun night out
Ends somehow.
What is it?
What's the matter?
Are you okay?
Fine
, he says
But I have to go.
SILENCE
The house feels empty
Though it's only sleeping.
My head feels heavy
Though it's also churning.
David's car peels away into the dark
But curiosity stays with me.
It's not my business.
He's not my boyfriend.
I'm slightly whiplashed though
By his change of mood.
For all Samir's complexity
David is even harder to read.
DARKNESS: PART TWO
I'm thinking of u,
Samir texts.
At this time of night
This is cheeky code
For something
Rather crude
And according to his beliefs
Forbidden.
Me 2,
I text back.
Not quite true
But close enough.
AFTERGLOW
Sent an email
,
he texts.
I read it
Phone light
Glowing bluish
Around me.
Last time
Before I broke up with you
I was always so happy
When we were together
But miserable
Full of doubt
And guilt
When we were apart.
This time
Happiness lingers
Erasing
The misery
And doubt
And guilt
Day and night
Every minute
I'm blissfully
In love
With you.
XO,
Your Samir
NIGHT LIGHT
A dream
A coyote's howl
Launches me
Into the dark
Real world
As mystery trips away
Like a tail flicking
Slipping through
Grasping fingers
Momentarily
I wonder
If it isn't
Really
                                        Me
I'm afraid
Of
                                                                     Losing.
PINK MARKER
In predawn lamplight
I scribble out Parker's hand
His trimmed fingernails
And boring watch
Skinny wrist
His pale, stumpy fingers
Fisting a handful of chiffon
On Kayli's thigh.
I do the whole thing
In nauseating pink ink
A feeble attempt
To emasculate him
For touching my sister.
OUT OF SYNC
The bell rings
The crowd parts
Like a salty sea
I drift from class
To class
A watery
Washed-up
Ghost.
The teachers start
Looking through me
As though I'm glass
Or falling ash
Like something
Scraped off
Toast.
My classmates see
A repentant smart-ass
I never asked
Who my prank
Would hurt
Most.
Unmasked
At last
I let them
Gloat.
They pass
A note.
INTERCEPTED LIES
She thinks she's so edgy.
She's obsessed with her hoo-hoo.
LOL! Free speech my flappy labia.
Snort! No one even writes on that stupid wall anymore.
It was a boring fad.
They should paint over it.
I heard she practically STALKS David.
He's a loser too. He used to be cool.
He's so MOODY now.
Wouldn't YOU be with a brother like that?
She turned Sam gay.
LOL! You're terrible.
I know.
BOREDOM AND HUMILIATION
After months of homeschooling
Regular school is hard to take
And I have to keep my nose
Squeaky clean.
I'm tempted to enlarge the note
On the library photocopier
And paper the stairwell
And staff lounge.
But Principal Pinch Face
Is just waiting for an excuse.
I don't think he enjoyed
Looking the bad guy last year.
That part at least
Is not my fault.
No one forced him
To suspend me.
He drops hints.
I'm told your sister
Will join us in the fall.
Won't that be nice?
And I hear:
“I hope she's not
As much of a screw-up
As you.”
If you want to go on
The New York trip
You will have to join
A fundraising group.
I try not to choke
At this new horror
But before the last bell
Am down for “car wash.”
FRIENDSHIP
Samir's arms are crossed
When I get into the car.
I buckle in
And wait
Resisting the urge
To kiss the pout
From his pretty lips.
What's your deal with David?
He asks.
It's not like I haven't been
Expecting this.
What deal? We're friends
I say, looking down
At my dorky skirt
And serious shoes.
He took you to Spring Fling?
I explain the “group date” thing
And try to make him laugh
By telling him it sounds
Kinky to me.
Samir is not quite appeased.
Why do you hang around
With that dumb jock?
I would like to tell him
That David is far from dumb
But that's not really
What this is about.
I'm entitled to friends
I say, and it comes out decisively
More than how it feels.
Because I think I'm rewriting
The book of friendship
And entitlement.
GIRLS
Why can't you be friends with girls?
He asks and forgets to add:
“Like a normal person.”
It's almost as though he doesn't know
He's asking for the moon.
I've been “friends” with girls before,
I remind him. How'd that turn out?
Wait. No, I remember. One bunch
Tried to kill me, and last year
My “friend” nearly got you arrested.
So excuse me if I prefer David.
David has no reason to hurt me.
David already feels responsible
For everything that happened
And if David wants something more
He'll tell me and I'll tell you. Okay?
Anyway, if you're ready
To defy your parents and go public
Be my real-life boyfriend again
David will respect that.
Right now he thinks you and I
Are just friends, like you want him to.
So what am I supposed to say?
My “friend” Samir doesn't want to share?
I take a breath
Shocked that all that
Came out of my mouth.
I guess it needed to be said.
Samir is not happy, but behind
Those dark and brooding eyes
Behind that conflict
Is a reasonable boy who loves me
And trusts me too, which maybe
I don't quite deserve.
SHOPPING MALL
I rue the day
I vowed
To get a job.
I think I'd really
Rather
Be a slob.
The mall where
I try to sell
My soul
Is so dark
I might become
A hairless mole.
MY RESUME
Ella, short for elephant
Student
Troublemaker
Seducer of pious boys.
Ella, short for Raphaelle
Fallen angel
Artist
Pornographer.
Ella, who hates
Fashion
Fast food
And most people.
Ella, yes,
that
Ella
Yes, I did go to jail
(For one night)
No, I DON'T have a record.
Ella, founder of
The Freedom Wall
Finder of flaws
Photographer.
No, I don't have
Any experience
Or skills
To offer you.
Yes, I
Really
Need
A job.
EXHAUSTION
Mom tries to be encouraging
It took me a long time to find something
.
She's now teaching
ESL
kids
How to read.
I don't have “a long time,” I say
Face down on my futon
Smelling Samir on my pillow
Though I don't mention that
To her.
We can pay for the trip
Your father doesn't mind.
No way, I say
I want to do it myself
I've cost you enough this year.
Lawyers and shrinks
Don't come cheap
Though I'm done
With them both
For now.
Kayli needs new medicine
Her asthma's getting worse
And Mom's still in therapy
(Speaking of shrinks)
And Dad's not made of money.
I'll keep looking, I say
I'll find something.
Mom's silence whispers
Her worry
About me.
WORRY
They talk in lowered voices
I hear them in the
TV
room
They speak of jobs and college choices
Like one misstep could spell my doom.
I hear them in the
TV
room
The sound is turned low enough
Like one misstep could spell my doom
I'm not so weak that I can't face this stuff.
The sound is turned low enough
Do they want me to know they don't believe
I'm not so weak that I can't face this stuff?
So quiet now that I can barely breathe.
Do they want me to know they don't believe
In me, in my maturity? They talk
So quiet now that I can barely breathe
Through my shame, my hurt, my shock.
They discuss me like I'm a notion
They speak of jobs and college choices
They whisper like the distant ocean
They talk in lowered voices.
ANOTHER TRIP AROUND THE SUN
One year ago
I was planning
And packing
And not worrying
That I had no one to invite
To my sweet sixteen.
Kayli and I
Were Michaela and Raphaelle then.
We “borrowed” a bottle of wine
And drank it out of travel mugs
On the beach
While the sun set
And Kayli complained
About leaving all her friends.
This year
She invites her new friends
To my birthday-party barbecue
And Mom invites her student, Nina
Who is my age and has a baby
And Dad invites some grad students
Who drink imported beer.
And I invite
Samir AND David