Capricious (13 page)

The service is at six tomorrow

We'll pick you up at five

After we can go to his house

And do the shiva thing

Mom can explain it

I'll grab you something on the way

From the kosher deli, egg salad

Or bagels, something round

Did you know Michael very well?

I went to his bar mitzvah.

What a messed-up world.

THE END

Samir calls

As promised

Close to midnight.

We cry

And he says

I can't do this anymore.

He adds

We can't stay

Friends. That's bullshit.

You

Are not

A good friend.

My heart is

Torn in pieces

My soul is corrupted

You

Did this

You ruined me.

I listen

To his rage

His heartbreak and

I do

Not dare

To disagree.

MIDNIGHT

As quietly as I can

I slip my bicycle

Out the garage side door.

No helmet

The night wind blows

My wrinkled cotton dress

Around my knees

I stay on the sidewalk

For safety. I want to arrive

At my destination alive

The address from research papers

In Dad's study.

Ella?

Kieran says

What are you doing here?

Wanna go for a walk?

I say

We tuck my bike

In his hallway

And head out

Into the dark.

Kieran lights a joint

And we pass it back and forth

As we walk around the lake

Better?

He says

Flicking the butt into the water.

You seemed a little tense before

I heard about your boyfriend's brother

That's too bad.

He's not my boyfriend

I say

Yeah,
says Kieran

Does he know that?

WHAT DOES HE KNOW?

All I've ever done is toy with David

Like a cat with a crippled mouse.

All I've done is evade questions

I've avoided moments where

Feelings are discussed

Focused on other things

Myself mainly

My anxieties

My stupid plan

My selfishness.

My shame

Makes me stumble

I sit on the curb.

Whoa, are you okay?

Kieran asks

Not really, I say.

I search his face

Hoping maybe he's the one

Who will listen to the whole

Sad and sorry tale

And tell me what to do

But undergrad degree or no

He's just a stoned boy

Looking down my dress

And I don't even like him.

Though I let him kiss me

Later in his front hall

His smoky sour tongue

Flops in my mouth

Like a rancid fish

I'd gag if I could be bothered.

And when I put a stop to it

He holds the door

While I push my bicycle out

And doesn't say, “I'll call you”

Or any other platitude

For that anyway

I'm grateful.

And more I suppose

Because he's shown me

Something important

About me

That I didn't know I knew.

This:

At least I don't hate myself enough

To have sex with a guy like him.

INVISIBLE

The on-ramp is quiet

But for occasional trucks

Rumbling like distant thunder

The gas station emits

Weak and sickly

Zombie light

I lock my bike

And turn down into the dark

Staring at the spot

The hidey-hole between

Two Dumpsters wondering

What magnet held me there

I would like to shake that girl

And ask her why it matters

Why she cared so much

She waited in the dark

For something to happen

Almost as if she wanted it

To be broken down beaten

Left for dead but no one even

Noticed she was there.

MOONLIGHT

By the time

I reach the deep scrub

My bare legs feel flayed.

I'd raise my head

And howl at the moon

But I don't need to.

She appears

Damp fur and coiled muscles

Ready to flee

To leap back into her dark

Primitive past.

I would like to think

She was drawn by our moonlight bond

But it's more likely the hotdog

I've placed on the ground between us.

I've been thinking about you, I say

She snuffles as she gobbles my gift.

Ignoring me

I swear I think

She even rolls her eyes.

How do you tolerate all this?

I ask, looking around

At the highway, the on-ramp

The gas station

The Dumpsters

The truckers, the taxi drivers

Unbuckling.

How do you stay you?

How do you not lie down

On the road and let a truck

Crush the wild out of you?

Surely you of all creatures

Must be weighed down

By the hypocrisy

The betrayal of a God

Who gave you a perfect world

Then populated it with

Imperfection

Personified

Who plowed and

Paved your

Paradise.

She licks ketchup from her maw

Yellow teeth, pink gums

And stares back

Low growling

All coyote, she has

Nothing to say to my

Irrelevance

But her tail disappearing

In the long grass.

Tell me what to do!

I call after her

At first only the cool

Night wind

Replies.

But then

From the dark

She howls

Twice as though

Begrudgingly

She's giving me

Her best advice.

TORN

The synagogue is packed

Sarah and I stand at the back.

Apparently David has hardly said a word

To anyone since it happened,

Sarah whispers

As the rabbi says things in Hebrew

And English things that are meant

To console.

In the front row David

Towers above his mother

Even with slumped shoulders

His head hanging down.

His lawyer father

Stands gray wool and stiff

On the other side.

No one for him to

Prosecute here but God

And I'm surprised to find

I can forgive him for

The near ruination he inflicted

On me and Samir last year

I wonder if this is God's punishment

For his self-serving hubris.

The thought makes my heart

Flicker like a faulty light

One of those ones that

Makes the whole string fail

If God was meting judgment

I wonder

What would he have in store

For me?

BROKEN BOY: PART ONE

He bounces a basketball

His tie loosened

Torn shirt untucked

As mourners trail into his house

He doesn't shoot for the hoop

Or respond to people

Who try to say hello

He bounces a basketball

Like the beating of a heart

One-handed, rhythmic

One player short for one-on-one

He doesn't shoot for the hoop

That effort would require

Raising his head to see

The front door open and close

Like the beating of a heart

He sees me and drops the ball

As he disappears inside

He doesn't speak, lacking the will

That effort would require.

WHAT I DESERVE

So you're the shiksa

An ancient woman says to me.

Bubbe!
someone says

In a scandalized tone

But the old lady is unchastened.

I'm Ella, I say

I'm a friend of David's.

A little more than a friend

To hear him tell it

Bubbe says with a sniff.

Men hide from pain

Like dying cats.

See if you can get him

To come out of his room.

BROKEN BOY: PART TWO

But I'm smart enough to know

David won't be in his room

I find him on Michael's bed

Where we laid him that day

Surrounded by towels

And watched him

Made hopeful by his promise

Not knowing what it meant.

That WAS the last time.

He doesn't look at me

Just stares at the ceiling

I heard you haven't been talking

I try a peace offering

I guess I can't blame you

For not wanting to talk to me.

And he doesn't

He just slides to one side

Inviting me to lie next to him

I move slowly

Take off your shoes
, he snaps

I do and anticipate

Him enumerating what else

He wants me to take off

Which I would do

Right now I would peel

Off layers until there was nothing

Left of me but bones

A grinning skull on the pillow

Next to him.

I won't share you with Samir

He says while I try to conceal

The minor freak-out I'm having

At the idea that this is even up

For discussion.

We broke up, I say

For good this time?

For good, for bad

Forever.

That's over.

DAVID SPEAKS HIS MIND

I'm not a very assertive guy

But I'm going to try

This next year is going to be awful

I can't screw up grade twelve

I want to get into a good school

For architecture

And I think it might be easier

With someone to…like…

Cheer me on.

I know you're probably

Not the best person for that role

But the amount of bullshit

I would have to deal with

To find someone else is not worth it
.

Wow, I don't know what to say

I'm overwhelmed by your offer

It's so romanti—

Shut up.

On any other day

I'd be telling you

I never want to see you again

But I haven't slept in days

I'm exhausted, my throat

Feels raw from sobbing

Like a two-year-old

And right now all I want

To do is spoon you.

I roll onto my side

Obediently

And he curls into my back

My head tucked into his shoulder.

If this is love

He says into my hair

It really sucks.

MAYBE WE WILL MAKE IT

Because I listen to him cry quietly

For a few minutes before he moves back

Rolling me over to face him and

After I wipe away his tears he leans in and

Whispers something very naughty in my ear.

But later,
he says

In a few weeks maybe

I'm too messed up right now

I think I would break into a million pieces.

Also, I don't want to be that guy

Who is always begging for it

So if you don't want to that's fine

But you should tell me now.

I take a moment to process that

It seems a little clinical

Like washy wishy

Soft and squishy David

Has been replaced

By a more officious twin.

You won't have to beg, I say.

Then he lets me kiss him

Like I've wanted to for months

Nothing tentative this time

About his lips and tongue

He slides my thigh

Over his hip and moves

One hand over my breast

Giving it an emphatic squeeze

Like a promise

His eyes close and that's how

Holding on to my boob

Wrapped up in me

He drifts off to sleep.

As the day fades to night

Bubbe appears

A stout silhouette

Against the hall light

Humph
, she says

And closes the door.

Chapter Eleven

Infinite

HIATUS

David says

We should have some time

Apart

He needs to work on forgiving me

But right now

He's busy

Forgiving Michael.

You need to forgive me too
, he says

For what? I almost say

But my throat burns

Tied in a knot with the anger

I still hold for him

The night in jail

The lawyer and

Panic, how I

Drowned in

Panic

That pours out of me

As tears.

See? I knew it
, he says

You wouldn't behave like that

Without a reason.

We hold each other

The words

I'm so sorry

Orbiting us and then

We give each other space

And time

Which after all

Are both

Infinite.

TEXTILE COLLAGE

I shred old jeans

A once-white towel

Now gray

A tattered pair of mittens

And snip and glue

Shaping, fluffing

Until a coyote's paw

Pads quietly among