Capricious (14 page)

The oppressive hands.

A coyote's paw

Is for standing

For grounding

I wonder, if we walked

On our hands

As animals do

Would the world feel more like

Something that supports us

Instead of something

We have to hold up?

BUSTED

Raphaelle!

Dad shouts up my stairs

Along with my middle name

AND last name

That's how I know

I'm in big trouble.

I had an interesting conversation

With one of my students

He begins

Oh shit, I think.

And he yells at me

For ten minutes

About smoking pot

With Kieran

And Mom joins us

And shares the news

That she found

A condom wrapper

Under my bed

And I'm about to get

So grounded I'll practically be

Dead and buried.

And Dad says

Jesus Christ

Did you sleep with Kieran?!

And I say

No, I did not sleep with Kieran

It was Samir

Only Samir

But we broke up

So you don't have to worry

About that anymore.

But they both keep yelling

Until even Kayli is telling them

Stop it! Stop it!

Can't you see how upset she is?

And everyone stops

And sees.

TEARS

For my little meltdown

I get:

A hug from Kayli

A glass of water from Dad

And an interrogation from Mom.

Was that a panic attack?

I used to get them too

All through high school.

I would wake up

Unable to breathe.

Is it like that?

Are you eating?

You look thin

Are you throwing up?

Are you sleeping?

Do you want to try pills again?

And Dad

Who prefers an unmedicated life

Says,
Maybe she could share a room

With Kayli again

She might sleep better.

And when Kayli hears this

Despite her earlier support

She screams until

She has an asthma attack

I've got to give it to her

She knows how to work a crowd.

So Dad says

My house, my rules

Stop being so selfish

Then Kayli says

Can't she just find another boy

To keep her company?

And Dad says

Watch your mouth, young lady

Which makes her go crazy

Wheezing and screeching

So even though I'm grounded

And under observation

I just walk out.

I figure I'm seventeen

That's old enough

To join the army

Right?

HEAT STROKE

No sunscreen

No sunglasses

No hat

Bare shoulders

All I have

Is a bus pass

Phone

Flip-flops

And five bucks

In the pocket of

My overalls.

I buy a Gatorade

And park my butt

Under a tree

By the lake

Thinking

I should have

Spent the whole

Summer here

Watching ducks.

And I mean

The WHOLE summer

Day and night

Twenty-four/seven.

DEADLY SERIOUS

As the air finally cools

My phone beeps

Samir:

I need to talk to you

Tonight

Can you meet me?

He gives an intersection

When I reach it

I realize it's his mosque.

Samir stands

Rather formally dressed

Between the columns.

When I join him I see

His parents and sister

Standing nearby.

Samir turns to look at them

A beseeching look on his face

His father's eyes narrow

And I begin to suspect

Some kind of intervention.

Look, I know this is
—

Samir begins

But his father clears his throat

Rather forcefully.

And Samir snaps

Something back in Arabic

Obviously his father

Is unmoved.

Poor Samir

He's still very cute

When he sulks.

Until he sighs

And says

Raphaelle, will you marry me?

COOL

And it takes all my

Self-control to breathe through the

Urge to laugh out loud.

PARENTS OF THE YEAR

But it goes on

Samir crosses his arms

And looks anywhere but at me.

You will have to convert

Samir says

But, well, will you?

He recites tonelessly

Like a bad actor

Will-you-convert-to-Islam-and-marry-me?

By now I have an idea

Of what's going on

And I play along

Because poor Samir

Is as red as the setting sun.

No, I say.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Samir turns to his family

Happy?

How do you feel?

His mother says

And Samir answers

With a stream of Arabic

That makes his sister hide her smile.

In English
, his father says.

Embarrassed, S
amir says

Humiliated.

And?

And ashamed.

I feel

Ashamed.

His father looks satisfied

We'll see you inside
, he says.

RELIEVED

Would you have married me

If I'd said yes?

I suppose
, Samir says to his feet.

You shouldn't feel ashamed

We didn't do anything wrong

We were careful, mostly

And we love each other

We loved each other

How can that be wrong?

If you fall in love

With another Muslim

Or any pious man

He might not want you

Because you're not a virgin.

I'll have to make sure

That doesn't happen then

No more pious men for me

Anyway, you're not

A virgin either.

It doesn't work that way

He says, and I can almost taste

His bitterness

A Muslim girl only wants

To be respected

But now I'll always want

What you let me have.

He turns his head away

So fast I wonder

For a moment

If I've slapped him

Or if he only expects me to

For showing me a side of him

He usually hides so well.

That's a revolting thing to say

I tell him, measuring my voice

Like strong medicine

Don't ever say that

To me or to any girl

Ever again

For any reason.

Samir falls silent

Still as the marble columns

And I'm tempted

To stomp away

End it with an exclamation mark

But I can see that he is crying.

Habibi, I say

Gently.

Don't call me that
, he says

Wiping his eyes

I don't think you will ever be able

To see the world as I do.

I need to go pray.

As he turns I call after him

Samir!

You should tell your parents

About Ashraf's wedding

They have a right to know.

He slips off his shoes at the door

Without looking back

And says,
Maybe I will

MYSTERIOUS WAYS: PART ONE

The steps of the mosque

Are cool stone

And feel ancient

As I sit and watch

The dark curtain of night

Rise around me.

The chanting song from inside

Washes over me

Like clear water

And I hear the end

Of summer humming

Somewhere too

Just beyond my reach.

MYSTERIOUS WAYS: PART TWO

An old man sits down next to me

Do you have questions about Islam?

No, I say quickly

I'm just resting.

Rest is good
, he says

I guess he must be some kind of priest

And he's a good one

Because his quiet company eats at me

Until I can't help but speak.

What does Islam say about someone

Who can't seem to stop

Doing stupid, thoughtless things?

Who can't stop thinking

About stuff that scares her?

Who keeps getting betrayed

By people she should know

Better than to trust?

Who might be hurting herself

Without even realizing?

The man turns to me

Islam would say

That person is probably a teenager

Then he gives me a cheeky smile

Or perhaps you are possessed by Djinn

Gin, I say. Like the drink?

Djinn,
he says

Mischievous spirits.

The English word is—

I interrupt

I know, I say

The English word is
Genie
.

I can't help it

I start to giggle.

THE SIDEWALK LESS TRAVELED

There are two ways back to my house

I could skirt the park and cross the footbridge by

The mansions with their water-sucking lawns

Grab the express bus to the coffee shop

And take a short walk up our street.

Or I could board the winding bus

And take a tour of familiar places

School, the spot where Samir and I ate baklava

And the ballpark where I howled at the moon

What difference would it make?

I choose the first way, the walk

Will do me good, the fresh night air

The quiet streets, excited crickets

Though the other route, to be honest

Probably involves as much walking.

One day I might look back and wonder

Why I took this way tonight of all nights

I could have done my usual meandering

Instead, I point myself like a ship's prow

And make landfall in front of Genie's house.

IN GENIE'S FRONT YARD

What are YOU doing here?

Go away.

You're still here.

What is the matter with you?

You have to leave.

My dad is getting suspicious.

Freakazoid!

Get lost!

You can't just stand in our yard all night!

What do you want?

I have nothing to say to her, Dad!

I have nothing to say to you.

Please, Ella, Dad's asking questions now.

I'll get grounded again.

I'm sorry, okay?

Now go.

You're crazy!

Why are you doing this to me?

INSIDE OUT

I had an epiphany

I say

Genie sighs, sits

And pulls out her phone

epiphany
[n. pl -nies]

a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into reality or

the essential meaning of something, often initiated by some

simple, commonplace occurrence.

Go on
, she says

It happened on the steps of the mosque

Samir and I had one of those final scenes

I'll tell you about it one day

It was crushing, but kind of priceless

Anyway, after I was just sitting there

And this old dude started talking to me

He might have been some kind of priest

Long story why, but I thought of you.

And I saw you then, but inside out

And I saw things I recognized

And it terrified me to think that maybe

Everybody looks like that on the inside.

I know now that Samir does, and David

And Kayli, my mom, my dad even

Marika, Sarah, Kieran, it's getting so

I don't want to look into people anymore.

Somehow I thought you might be

The one who was neat and tidy inside,

I thought your meanness required control

But maybe you're just as random as the rest of us.

I take things too personally

It felt like you wanted me dead

But now I'm starting to think

It was never about me, was it?

BLUE BALLPOINT

Do you have a pen and paper?

I ask

I want to draw your hand.

You're so weird
, Genie says

But she goes inside

And comes back out

With paper and a blue ballpoint.

I hate blue ink

So it seems fitting

But soon I'm frustrated

Freckles are hard to draw, I say.

Try living with them
, she says.

And then

Want to hear all the names

I've been called?

Spot, spotty, leopard

Leper, patch, pixels

Spackle, speckle

Freckle-face

Pox, poxy

Measles, dotty

Speck, splatter

Sprinkles, fly poop.

She sighs.

Ugly, fat, stupid.

I reach forward

And take her hand

Turning it over.

Palms are easier anyway, I say.

And let my fingers

Linger

On her wrist

On

A

Thin

White

Scar.

STARS

Genie falls back

Like she's been shot

In a movie