Capricious (12 page)

To get him to

What's left of his

Family.

We need more time

To capture the tears

Even Samir is crying

Wiping his eyes

As he drives blind in

The dark damp streets

Slower than time.

I've run out of time

David kisses me

In the backseat

Smothering sobs

On my lips. Stop

I whisper, stop this

You don't know

What you're doing.

This time

Samir pulls the hand brake

And yanks David's collar

Dude, calm down

She said stop.

Their eyes meet

And the look they share

Tells me my time

Has come.

HOW NOT TO SAY GOODBYE

The rest of the drive drowns

In one of those silences that suffocate.

David curls up against the door

Trembling, his face tucked into

The crook of his elbow.

Samir stares at the road

Lips parted in a protest

An accusation or

Condemnation

That has yet to find the words.

His eyes are as dry

As my mouth.

The white light of the
ER
entrance

Silhouettes the tall shape

Of an uncle or father

That gathers David as

I step out of the car.

You must be Ella
, the shape says.

Not a father then

Since David's father knows me

All too well.

Is Michael dead?

I say, because David was never able to

Speak the words.

The shadow speaks for him.

Yes, I'm afraid he is.

STATE OF NOT BEING

PARKED

Just tell me this one thing

Have you been with him all along?

Since that day on your stairs?

Since you told me he was just a friend?

Come inside, come upstairs with me, please

Do you think that's how it works?

Is that what you think of me?

That I'll forget what just happened

If you take off all your clothes?

Please just let me try to explain, please

What possible explanation could there be?

We have been together like man and wife.

You told me, repeatedly, that you love me.

Is this what you call love?

I do love you. I promise you, that's true

It's a sin, what we have done together,

I should marry you and make it right

But how can I trust you ever again?

You're completely crazy! Why would you do this?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

EXIT

He reaches past me

And pushes open my door

Everything he wanted to say

He has said.

I plead from the sidewalk

Please, Samir

You're in no state

To drive.

Close the door

He says

And when I do

He drives

Slowly

Away.

LIES

Every time I told him

David is just a friend

Every time I told David

Samir and I are over

Every lie I told

To support this experiment

To entertain myself

Throbs in my brain

Every person I care about

Floats before my eyes

Like a video game

Played by God and me.

He smites them. I hurt them.

The points add up.

Smite. Michael dies.

Hurt. Samir cries.

Smite. Kayli's lungs.

Hurt. David's trust.

Smite. Marika's brain.

Hurt. Puffy's portrait.

Smite. Charlotte dies.

Hurt. Mom believes my lies.

Smite. We lose baby Gabriel.

Hurt. I try to seduce one of Dad's students.

And all the people I just
want
to hurt.

I'm jealous of Kayli

I hate Genie for what she did

I hate all those car-wash girls

And school, and teachers and principals

And those bitches in junior high

And Samir's family and God

And the one I hate the most of all:

Me.

Chapter Ten

Indiscreet

REASON

Sometimes

When people speak

To me of God my eyes

Fill with tears of loss.

As though they are talking

About some kid who died young

From drugs or guns.

As though someone I loved

Who I once thought loved me too

Was an illusion.

How can I mourn him

The imaginary friend

Who was never real?

MOM'S BATHROOM

Last Christmas

I found her in here

Unconscious

In a puddle of blood

And vomit

That's not something

You easily forget.

The white tiles shine

No evidence is left

I scrubbed this floor

Until my fingers ached

And stung from bleach

But the image remains

Like permanent marker

Scrawled graffiti

In my brain.

Tucked behind her closet

It has no windows

And if I close the door

I can imagine I'm

Flying through space

Alone past the heliopause

Outside the influence

Of the sun, somewhere

Not even comets live.

WHEN KAYLI IS HERSELF

             A warm hand rests on my shoulder

             And for an ecstatic moment I think

             I left the mudroom door unlocked

             And Samir has silently crawled in

With me

             But it's not Samir, the thin wrist wears

             A hospital bracelet and has pink painted nails.

             Kayli's long lashes rest on shining cheeks

             
It's hot up here
, she says without opening

Her eyes

             I slip my arms around her and squeeze

             Until she calls me
an incestuous lesbian

             But she squeezes back, smelling rank

             And medicinal. She's sweaty too—we both

Are

             I wouldn't believe the sun rose again

             The world kept turning and orbiting

             As though today was just another day but

             Above the open skylight the sky is glowing

Blue

             Like nothing dreadful happened last night

             Wheezing, Kayli leans back and thoughtfully

             Considers the state of my unplucked eyebrows

             
Where's Samir?
is just the first of her

Questions.

SISTERLY ADVICE

You should tell Mom

Is what Kayli says

After I have confessed

Almost everything

About Samir and David.

(I don't mention the car wash.

She can't know about that.

The official story is still that it was “great fun.”)

Poor David

She says about Michael

Were you sleeping with him too?

I shake my head and suffer

As Kayli's questions get

More and more

Indiscreet.

She always could

Make me reveal anything

She wants to know

Everything.

I spew out monotone

Salacious details

And sad ones

While she listens

Entranced.

I keep talking

I don't want to stop

I want her to listen

Forever

To never leave this room

To never leave me

Because she is

My best friend

Maybe the only friend

I have left.

NEWSFLASH

What happened with Parker?

I ask when I run out of my own tragedy

He mutated
, Kayli says

And I wait for the rest of the story.

Don't tell Mom, okay?

We made this plan to sneak away

And, you know, do it

But I changed my mind

And he got all pissy.

Then he said I was a slut

Which is, HELLO, illogical

But everyone believed it.

What an asshole!

I thought he was supposed to be a Christian

Newsflash, Rah Rah

Christians can be douchebags.

And she stares at my slanted ceiling

Tears dripping into her ears

Reminding me

She's human too.

LIFE GOES ON

Marika barely waits for her mother to leave

Before typing quickly

What

Is

W r o n g?

David's brother died of an overdose, I say

And she doesn't even spell out

A strong specific word

She just hits a button

Bad

Bad

Bad

And then

Sorry.

What

Happened?

And so I

Tell her the whole

Sordid story too

Like I can't keep the words inside

How I used them both

And betrayed them

For no good reason.

She falls silent

Not her good silence

But a reproachful

Judgmental one

And we spend the day like that

Me wondering

If I've lost her too.

TEXTS TO SAMIR

Talk to me.

Forgive me.

My mind isn't right. I AM crazy.

I love you. Please answer me.

I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I lost control of my life.

I'm so sorry.

Until finally Marika grabs my phone from my hand.

She's surprisingly fast at texting.

This is Marika. Ella has been crying all day. It's getting

annoying. Pls reply.

To which Samir texts back:

Will call 2night. Late.

ON THE OTHER HAND

All texts to David

Are revised, then deleted

And nothing is sent.

EPIC

Marika bends her head

Over her iPad typing

Ignoring me

My feet get numb

In the kiddy pool

Marika made it clear

I

Don't

Want

To

Swim

Which is how I know

She's really mad at me

Normally she loves it.

Marika types

And children stare

And fretful mothers

Pull them away

Shielding them

From their own rudeness

As though it's a disease.

Marika frowns with concentration

Her tanned fingers thrumming

And I suspect her composition

Might be aimed at me.

MARIKA'S WISDOM

I used to throw tantrums

When I was little

It was torture

Learning to speak

And Mom would say:

“You have to name your pain.”

Name your pain, Ella.

Mom would say:

“It's easier to run from a lion

Than some shadow in the dark.”

I'm not mad at you.

If you can't talk to me,

Talk to someone.

Please.

CROSSHAIRS

Now I feel like

I am walking around

With rifle crosshairs

On the entire world

Well maybe not a rifle

It's not that I want

To shoot someone

Apart from myself

Occasionally

Only now I look at Mom

And Kayli painting her toenails

Ms. Sagal and Dad

And ask myself

Is this the person I can talk to?

But I have an excuse for each of them

I have caused them enough pain

Or they have their own problems

Or maybe I'm scared of

How bad I would feel

If they can't hide the fact

That they don't really care.

PENCIL

It's painstaking work

Carefully rendering

In lethally sharp pencil

Every detail

Of Marika's speech app

With her gnarled hand

Curled finger pressing on the word

BAD

In the corner

Barely visible

A tendril of black

Lace.

EGGS AND OTHER ROUND OBJECTS

To my surprise

Sarah emails

We're going to Michael's funeral

Mom thought you might like to come

I know how weird it can be

In an unfamiliar place

I was freaking out at Genie's mom's funeral

All those creepy flowers.

Have you spoken to David?

He won't answer his phone

Or return my texts

I guess we'll see him there

I hope he's okay