Canary (21 page)

I had no time to ease into Brett's absence. He signed the papers and walked out of our house. There was no warning or grace period as with Mom.

The silence roars around me.

I have not been okay since Brett signed those papers and left our family.

A cord was cut, the thin line that connected me to earth was gone, and I am now spinning, turning, twirling my way through space, into a deep midnight blue of nothing as I wait for Brett to return.

And I worry that, like Mom, he might never come back.

Posted By: Your Present Self

[Wednesday, December 3, 12:31 PM]

Our choir teacher, Mrs. Reid, gave us a free day once a month. She said we got this gift because we worked our voices so much we needed to rest them once in a while. It was a day meant for us to catch up on schoolwork, but usually people talked in small groups or watched the TV in the corner that was supposed to be used for announcements.

Mrs. Reid didn't do a good job fooling any of us, the boys included. She sat during these days with a cup of steaming tea, shifting positions and rubbing her eyes a lot. We knew she really wasn't giving us a day to rest our voices but was dealing with a bad case of cramps.

“I wish I was able to have voice rest days when I got my period,” Ali complained, surrounded by papers. She was trying to study for a test in chemistry.

“It would be nice,” I said. “Especially since Dad freaks out when I mention anything that has to do with cramps. I'd stay home all day in my bed with junk food and my laptop.”

Today the TV ran the latest episode of a court divorce show, the only thing everyone seemed to be able to agree on. Mrs. Reid sat at her desk and told us she had e-mails to write, but she was probably shopping online. We were on to all her tricks.

The TV switched from the show to a commercial for the local lunchtime news. It was short, a ten-second teaser for the actual news. Most of these teasers claimed silly threats or promises: restaurant investigations where employees didn't wash their hands or a gas station giving away gas for free. The stations usually held these segments until the end of the show, capturing the viewer and then offering little or no payoff for sticking around, the actual story something completely different. Brett and I always seemed to fall for them, no matter how many times we'd been duped.

Today, however, the news promo was different. It didn't offer false claims, miracles, or shocking revelations. There was nothing far-fetched about the woman who spoke solemnly on the screen: “Today on Channel 3 lunchtime news, a local soldier who headed off to war will not return.”

It was a short statement, just one sentence, but it felt as if everyone in the room was gone and it was only me and the television. I forced myself to breathe, wishing someone would turn off the TV.

The court show ended, and the news started. It was the lead story. “A family mourns the news that their son, twenty-year-old Ken Wilson, died in a roadside bomb explosion two days ago. Ken, who leaves behind his wife, Molly, and their eight-month-old daughter, loved his country. His mother told reporters that joining the Army had been his dream since he was little.”

I jumped up and ran my fingers through my hair. I couldn't listen to this anymore. I started to gather my stuff.

“Are you okay?” Ali asked.

“I'm fine. I just need to go to the bathroom.”

“You're not thinking about Brett, are you?” She'd been watching the television too. “Brett is still here. He hasn't gone anywhere.”

“Are you serious? You really can't see why I'm upset?” I wanted to shake her. How could she think this was nothing? “I need to get out of here.”

“Wait. I'll go with you.” She closed her book and stuffed it in her bag.

“No, don't come.” I left the room before she could follow, not bothering to tell Mrs. Reid.

I pushed open the door to the restroom and walked to the sink, turning on the cold water and running it over my hands. I was the only one there, so I didn't wipe away my tears. I gripped the front of the sink, water dripping from my hands to puddle on the floor. I tried to look at myself in the mirror, but everything was blurry.

“It's insane, isn't it?”

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and turned.

Julia stood holding the door to the bathroom. She let it swing shut and walked toward me. “Brett enlisting. It seems like a bad dream.”

“Please tell me how I can wake up,” I whispered.

“At first I didn't believe him,” Julia said. “I thought it was a joke. He'd bring up the Army and your uncle John, and I'd just listen to his stories and nod. But then I realized he was serious.”

“I wish you would've stopped him,” I said softly, even though it wasn't fair. “I wish you would've said something to him so he realized what a mistake this is.”

Julia moved to the window. It looked out over the soccer field. She slid down against the wall until she was sitting. “I tried. When I realized he was serious, I begged him over and over again not to sign
the papers.”

“I already lost my mom. I can't lose Brett.”

“I can't lose him either.”

I looked at Julia, and my entire body relaxed. She understood.

I didn't tell anyone about the conversation with Julia in the bathroom or that we'd been texting back and forth since then. She understood what no one else did.

Instead, I tried to maintain the appearance of a perfect Beacon girlfriend.

Tonight I blended in the eyeliner below my eyes and stepped away from the mirror to take a final look at myself. My hair was tied back with a maroon ribbon. I had on a yellow, long-sleeved shirt under Jack's warm-up jersey, and my jeans fell over black flats. I looked full of Beacon pride, the happy fan, but inside I didn't feel any of the excitement that had been buzzing through school all day.

Beacon was playing another undefeated team, Brookline, and I didn't want to go.

I had to admit my lack of enthusiasm wasn't just from what was going on with Brett; it was the team too. I was sick of the way Jack, Luke, and the other boys acted. It was all getting old.

I didn't think I could fake the pep tonight, but I had no excuse good enough to get out of going to the game.

Ali's brother had agreed to drive us. I watched from my living room window and saw his car pull in. I grabbed my purse and took a deep breath, trying to prepare myself for the next couple of hours.

It was dusk, and the quick orange glow of
cigarettes in the backseat sparked, bursts of light like airplanes flashing in the sky.

Jenna stuck her head out of the window and yelled, “Hey, girl, you ready for tonight?”

I pulled open the car door. The music pounded; the air was thick with smoke twisting around the girls' perfume. Ali and Jenna squeezed in the back along with a friend of Ali's brother's. Another of his friends lit up a bowl in the front seat. My stomach rolled from the mix of smells.

I tried to find a space for myself, sitting sideways so I was able to close the door.

“You look cute tonight,” Ali said.

I smoothed my top. “Thanks.”

“What do you think of my outfit? Luke finally let me wear his jersey.”

“It looks good,” I said and tried to think of something else to say. I knew I was being lame, and Ali and Jenna would be able to see right through me if I didn't figure out how to sound interested.

“Yeah, I know. I might not give it back.” Ali stroked the jersey and hugged her arms around herself as if Luke was the one wearing it. “I can't wait to watch Beaconkill Brookline. Luke's excited about this game.”

“Blah, blah, blah. All you talk about is Luke,” Jenna said and stuck her finger in her mouth,
pretending to gag.

The guy in the passenger seat held up his pipe and lighter. “Anyone want a hit?”

“No, thanks,” Jenna said. “In case you forgot, tonight's game is huge; we don't want to be all spaced out for it.” She dug around in her bag and pulled out a water bottle. “I do have something to drink, though. Some fancy rum I stole from my parents that they'll never notice is missing.”

She took a sip and held the bottle toward me, but I waved it away.

The bottle went from front to back, among the hands of everyone in the car. They joked about what would happen at the game, how much they would drink after, and who would probably end up screwing who.

Jenna took a drag on her cigarette and blew smoke out the window. “Hey, Kate, I bet your dad is ready for this game.”

“He's a bit obsessed at the moment.”

“Can you blame him?” Ali's brother said, looking at my reflection in the rearview mirror. “The whole school is counting on him to bring home a championship this year.”

“Believe me, he knows.”

The door handle dug into my hip. I turned toward the window, watching the houses flash by, the world muted as the sun ended its daily cycle. Everyone smoked, drank, and tried to speak louder than each other. I wished they'd stop. My stomach hurt. This all seemed so stupid. I couldn't concentrate on their pointless conversations. It was the same old stuff, every day, every weekend.

Julia was home tonight watching a movie with her parents. She'd invited me over, and I wished I was there instead of heading to the game.

I felt suffocated in the car, stuck between people who didn't give a shit about things that really mattered, and I needed to get out. “Take me home,” I said quietly. So quietly I wasn't sure anyone heard me.

“What?” Ali asked.

“Take me home,” I said more firmly.

Jenna narrowed her eyes and looked at me. “What the hell? Why would you want to go home?”

“Turn around.”

Ali and Jenna gave each other a look, and then Jenna leaned in between the seats to talk to her brother. “Take her home. What's it matter if she's going to mope all night? We'll still make the start of the game.”

No one tried to argue with me. Ali's brother turned in to a gas station so he could turn around and headed back to my house.

“I'm sorry,” I told them.

“Whatever,” Ali said.

Everybody else stayed silent, letting the music throb against the sides of the car. I felt the pulse of my heart. I closed my eyes until the car stopped.

“Get out. We're here,” Ali's brother said.

“Thanks,” I told everyone and closed the door.

No one said good-bye. The car backed down the driveway before I moved. I heard them laughing as they sped away.

Brett spent a lot of time with the recruiters during lunch. I'd see him in their office or sitting at the table in the cafeteria. I used the time to my advantage and sat with Julia on the days Brett wasn't around. I hoped he'd see the two of us together and decide to join us. I could show him I didn't just care about my Beacon friends. I wanted him to see how important he was also.

I knew my friends talked about me hanging out with Julia. I made excuses, claimed she and I had something to talk about or some work to do. They were weak explanations that didn't fool them, but I convinced myself it was okay.

When I ate lunch with Julia, I didn't have to act happy or fill the time with gossip about people who weren't like us. I didn't have to deal with their stupid, superficial conversations. Conversations that used to be easy. With Julia, I could talk quietly about the things that kept us up late at night, the things we couldn't tell other people.

Julia welcomed me quickly. I was surprised how open and nice she was, especially after the way I'd treated her. I tried apologizing to her the first time I sat with her at lunch, but she dismissed my apologies with a wave of her hand. She refused to talk about anything that may have happened in the past, and I knew enough not to push it.

I liked the way Julia calmed me down. I tried to get out of eating lunch with my friends once or twice a week, but they had started giving me a hard time about eating with Julia.

“Whoa, Kate, nice of you to join us,” Ali commented when I slid into the seat next to Jack.

“Yeah, I didn't know you still went to Beacon,” Luke said and stole one of Ali's fries.

“I know, I know. I haven't been around much. Sorry, guys.”

“It's nothing to apologize for. It's a choice you made,” Ali said and turned to Luke to whisper something in his ear.

I stared at her, hurt that she'd turned against me too. “Julia's my friend too. It's not as if I'm choosing between the two of you.”

Jack broke in before Ali could say more. “We're talking about the Rocky River Academy game during Christmas break. We're thinking of staying after at the ski resort nearby. What do you think? We could rent a condo pretty cheap if we got a bunch of people.” Jack looked at me expectantly. I was thankful he was changing the subject, but I wished he'd spoken
up sooner.

“That does sound fun, but do you think we'd be able to get a condo?” I said.

“I'm sure my dad could get us something,” Luke said. “He knows people who own places there, so maybe we could even stay for free. Are you in?” He looked at me.

The rest of them waited for my response.

“I don't know. I'll have to make sure I don't have anything else planned.” I tried to stall and think of an excuse that sounded plausible. There was no way I was going after what had happened at Ali's cabin.

“What could you have planned? Your dad is the coach of the team. He's going to be at the game,”
Ali said.

“Yeah, you're right.” It was obvious Ali was waging some personal attack on me, and I figured it had to do with ditching out on the game the other night. “I still have to check to make sure.”

“Right, okay. Well, hopefully you can make it,” Jenna said and started to draw circles on her
paper napkin.