Canary (22 page)

“If you don't want to go, say so,” Ali blurted. “We're all getting a little sick of hearing what your excuse of the day will be. We're not stupid.”

“Ali,” Jenna said, trying to silence her.

“Oh, really, guys. Stop acting like she's going to do things with us. We know she won't. We're honored you decided to join us today, but you didn't have to.”

“I know I didn't have to,” I said, narrowing my eyes. “I wanted to eat lunch with you. Maybe I don't sit with you all the time because you treat me like this.”

“Why 
do
 you keep hanging out with Julia?” Ali asked.

“What do you mean?” I asked, not letting her scare me. “I hang out with Julia for the same reason I hang out with any of you guys. Why do I need to have a reason?”

“You 
know
 what I mean,” Ali said and sighed as if this discussion was a waste of her time.

“No, I 
don't know
 what you mean,” I said,
emphasizing my words the same way she did. “Fill me in, because I don't have a problem hanging out with Julia, so I'm confused about why you do.”

“She's weird, Kate.”

“Weird? That's the best explanation you've got? Half the world is weird. You could call me weird because I drink my milk at room temperature.” But I knew that wasn't the kind of weird she was talking about.

“You know what I mean. She's not one of us.”

“One of us?” I asked, my voice turning to ice. I looked around the table to see if everyone was buying it, but no one would make eye contact with me. “She's my friend, and she's dating my brother.”

“Julia's not even a part of Beacon.” Ali said as if it were fact. “She only goes to our school because her mom teaches math. Otherwise, she wouldn't be able to afford Beacon.”

I ran my fingers through my hair out of frustration. “Do you remember the only reason I'm at Beacon is because my dad works for the school?”

“It's not the same. Your dad is a different part of Beacon. You're a different part of Beacon. I don't understand why you'd want to hang out with her.”

The reasons perched on the tip of my tongue, and I wanted to spit every one of them at her. Was she really telling me she didn't think I should be friends with Julia? “Sure, you're right,” I said, but my
patronizing tone went over her head. “I'm completely different, just like my brother.”

“Come on. You know what I mean.”

“I do know what you mean, and I don't like it one bit. You talk about Beacon as if it were a piece of property you were buying. I'm friends with Julia now, and that's not going to change.”

“Hang out with her. I don't care.”

“Good. That's what I plan to do.” It was true. I wasn't going to let Ali tell me who I should hang out with.

“Whatever.” Ali pushed back her chair and picked up her tray, ignoring the incredulous looks on the faces of everyone else at the table. “Stay as long as you want to, since it'll probably be weeks until you decide to sit with us again.”

I watched Ali walk away and waited for someone to say something. When they didn't, I giggled nervously. “I don't know why Ali thinks I need to choose sides. I can be friends with everyone. I'm not sure what's gotten into her. I'll go find her and talk to her after lunch.”

Dave gave me a weak smile, and Jenna turned away. Jack shrugged as if he wanted nothing to do with it.

I ate silently. Even though Ali and her accusations were gone, I still didn't feel like part of the group.

I spent the next few days trying to avoid Ali and Jenna. I continued to sit with Julia at lunch and skipped watching Jack practice after school. It was so much easier to run out when the bell rang than to sit with everyone at practice and deal with Ali getting on my case about hanging out with Julia.

Today, however, Ali didn't let me escape so easily. She was waiting outside my classroom door when I left at the end of the day. She linked her elbow in mine. “I'm taking you with me.”

I let her steer me around the students heading out of school. She pulled me down the hallway, and I had to walk quickly to keep up. I held my books tightly, afraid they'd slip out as we dodged other students. She spoke loudly so her voice could be heard above the shouts of the rest of our classmates in the hallway. “We're going to meet Jenna in the gym and watch the boys practice. You haven't been there all week, and I'm not letting you run straight home again.”

The girl was impossible to predict. One day she was about to blow up at me for not hanging out with them, and the next she was acting as if nothing
was wrong.

I shook out of her grasp. “Okay, I'm coming. I promise. You don't need to drag me there.”

“I will if I have to,” she said. “This is ridiculous. We miss you, and I'm sure Jack would like to see you in the stands.”

I followed her into the gym. The boys were already on the floor taking practice shots, while Dad paced the sidelines with a clipboard in his hand. We sat next to Jenna and a few other girls who had boyfriends on the team or wished they did. There were a lot more people watching now that we were getting closer to securing a spot in the play-offs.

Jenna placed her hand on her chest. “Whoa. Long time no see, Kate. I forgot what you looked like.”

I whacked her lightly on the arm with my notebook. “Shut up. It's only been a few days.”

“If I were dating Jack, I'd be here watching him every day,” said Amanda, a freshman sitting behind us.

“Jack understands,” I said, even though I didn't know why I was explaining myself to a freshman. “We don't always have to be together.”

“Really?” Ali asked. “Are you sure he understands?” And just like that, she morphed back into the Ali I'd gotten used to these past couple of weeks.

“What do you mean?”

“I'm just saying. I'd think you'd want to support your boyfriend. Not ditch out on him all the time.”

“I don't ditch out on him,” I said, trying to keep my voice calm.

“Don't get mad at me, but maybe we should talk about things.” Ali gave me her full attention.

“Usually when someone starts a sentence with the words ‘don't get mad at me,' you can expect to get mad at that person.” I joked, feeling a bit uncomfortable.

“No, it's nothing bad. It's more of an observation.”

“An observation?”

“Yeah, it's not a huge deal, but maybe Amanda is right about Jack.”

“Are you serious?” I asked, crossing my arms.

“It just seems as if you're trying to avoid him or something. And when you two are together, you're never happy. Maybe you should listen to Amanda.”

“Are you kidding me? Are we really having this conversation?”

“I think we need to have this conversation. It's the truth. You're so hung up on your brother that you're forgetting everyone else around you.”

“My brother enlisted in the Army in the middle of a war. I think I'm allowed to get 
hung up
 on him.”

“You are, but aren't you afraid Jack is going to break up with you? Do you even like him anymore?”

“Jack and I are fine.”

“I'm not trying to make you mad. I like you and Jack. I want the two of you to stay together. I'm
trying to help.”

“Are you trying to tell me Jack is planning to break up with me? Is that what people are saying?”

Ali paused, as if thinking about the idea. “No, it's not that. It's just that people have started to notice you're hardly around anymore, and when you are, you're never happy. I don't want something to happen to the two of you; that's all.”

I closed my eyes and rested my head in my hands. I wondered if Ali was telling the truth. Were people really talking about us? Was I as close as she said to losing Jack? I bit my bottom lip and tried to imagine not having Jack in my life. It seemed impossible. Unlike Ali, who often seemed more interested in the attention she was getting from boys than in our friendship, Jack really knew me. He knew about Mom and listened when I missed her. Jack understood if I got upset about Dad or Brett. I didn't know what I'd do if he wasn't around anymore.

I thought about Ali getting into my business with Jack, as if she even understood what was going on. I hated that she acted like an expert and talked to me about something that had nothing to do with her. I was mad that she saw I was scared about Brett and, instead of trying to help me, told me I needed to change. It wasn't as if I could suddenly be happy again and stop worrying about my brother. She didn't understand.

Ali put a hand on my shoulder. “You're not mad at me, are you? I'm only trying to fix things before they get bad.”

“No, don't worry. I'm fine.”

“Okay, good.”

I didn't want to hear anything else Ali had to say. I leaned forward and acted as if I was into watching the boys play. My dad had set up a scrimmage, and Jack was guarding a senior who was six inches taller than him. Jack stole the ball and passed it to a teammate waiting to the right of him. I let out a cheer, and Jack looked up. He smiled at me before he turned back to the court.

Dad blew his whistle after fifteen minutes of scrimmaging. “Okay, guys, grab yourselves some water and get back on the court.”

Jack, Luke, and a few other boys picked up their plastic bottles and walked over to where we were
sitting.

“Hi, girls,” Jack said and sat next to me. He kissed my cheek. “Glad you made it today.”

“Yeah, Kate,” Luke said slowly. “We've missed you at our practices.” He squirted his water bottle at me.

“Oh my God, Luke. What the hell?” I jumped up and tried to wipe the water off my shirt.

“Wet T-shirt contest,” he said and aimed his bottle at another girl on the bleachers. Before he could douse her, though, Dad blew his whistle.

The boys ran back onto the court.

Ali looked at me. “Oh my God, Luke,” she said, mocking me and fluttering her eyelashes. She turned to the other girls. “I'm going to grab a drink from the vending machine. Does anyone want anything?”

Jenna got up to go with her.

I watched the two of them walk out of the gym, confused again and wondering if Ali was my friend or my enemy.

Jack came over the next day when I was working on my homework, or at least that's what I was trying to do. I'd get engrossed in a problem, but it was never enough. Soon my thoughts would leave the questions and drift back to Brett. It had been weeks since he moved out, and Dad didn't even seem to miss him. I'd tried to get Brett to talk to me. I'd even asked Julia to talk to him for me, but nothing seemed to work. Brett was refusing to speak with either of us. It was as if he was already gone.

When Jack called and asked if he could come over, I agreed and told myself maybe he could help get my mind off things. I refused to believe anything Ali had said to me. The two of us were fine.

Jack brought his work, but as usual, it was abandoned. He lay on my bed and played with
my ponytail.

I pushed his hand away. “I really need to get this done.”

“Forget homework.” He inched closer to me. “I have something more exciting to talk about. My parents are going to be out of town this weekend for some Christmas party thing. I told a bunch of the guys on the team I'd have a party.”

“A party?”

“Yeah, at my house on Saturday,” Jack said. “Do you think you could find an opening in your busy schedule to fit me in?” He waited for me to answer, as if this was an important question, something I should be considering as heavily as he was.

“I didn't know you were having a party,” I said, choosing to ignore the way Jack was acting about it.

He stood up. “You know, you're really starting to piss me off.”

“I'm what?” I put down my pen and closed my book. “What are you talking about?”

“It's everything, Kate.” Jack frowned. “You've changed. You used to be fun. You used to want to have fun. It's almost Christmas, the basketball team is undefeated, and all you can focus on are depressing things no one wants to think about.”

“How can you say that? My brother enlisted in the Army. I have a right to be scared.”

“Yeah, we all know about this big, bad war.” Jack shook his head and walked away from the bed. “Forget it, you wouldn't understand.”

“Understand what?” I picked up a pillow and hugged it to me, my fingers clenching the fabric.

This was the point where I should have pulled back, stepped out of the fight, but instead I pushed, and I pushed hard. How dare he bring up my brother and act as if this wasn't important.

“I think you're the one who doesn't understand.” I started, aware but not caring that my voice was getting louder and I should probably quiet down. “You don't know anything about what's going on with Brett and my dad right now. You have your family. You have parents who love you and can come to cheer you on at games. You have no idea what it's like to lose a parent. And now Brett won't even talk to me. My dad's doing nothing to fix things, and I'm scared that I'm going to lose someone else I love. Don't tell me I don't understand.”

I refused to cry. I wanted to at least appear strong.

I waited for Jack to snap back, but he didn't.
Instead, he wrapped his arms around me so tight I could hardly move. He stroked my hair. “I'm sorry. You're right. I understand,” he said, repeating it over and over until I believed he really did.

www.allmytruths.com

Today's Truth:

The desire to belong is
 
stronger
 
than the need to break free.

When Mom died, we lost our identities.

We were no longer ourselves: