By the Creek (13 page)

“I’m seeing someone, and he’s having a tough time reconciling who he is with his other beliefs. My mom was so cool when I told her, but his family never will be and he knows it. It’s tearing him apart, and I’m starting to think the only way to help him is to not see him anymore.” The thought made David’s heart ache.

“You know that isn’t going to help him. If you turn away, he’s going to be lost and alone. The conflict is still going to be there, because leaving him alone isn’t going to change him or the beliefs he was taught. All it’s going to do is leave him with no one to talk with, alone, and feeling rejected. That’s a pretty bad combination, especially if he’s our age.” Lynn slowly rolled the empty soda can between her extended hands. “You didn’t create the conflict. He may feel it more intensely because of his relationship with you, but that’s not your fault.”

“But I was the one who broached the subject,” David told her quietly.

“He was still gay before you said anything, and he had to be confused and alone.” Lynn took one of David’s hands in hers. “Don’t reject him or leave him on his own. He’s going to need you.” Lynn slowly rubbed the back of his hand with her thumb. “Besides, you’ll hurt yourself too, because it’s obvious that you love him.”

David nodded as he held his breath. “I do, and it hurts to see him hurting.”

“Yes. You’re feeling that because you love him. You care what happens to him.” Lynn released David’s hand and pushed back her chair. She leaned against the counter, placing the empty can on it.

“How’d you get so smart?” David asked, already knowing that Lynn was completely brilliant as well as one of the sweetest people he’d ever met.

She scoffed lightly. “You think because I’m some sort of brainiac like you, I haven’t had my heart broken? I have, and it hurts no matter who you are.” Lynn sat back down at the table. “I’ve decided to study psychology in college, so I’ve been reading a lot of the texts lately.”

David grinned. “And you decided to try it out on me?”

“Was I wrong?” she asked with a knowing smile.

“No. I do love him, but I’m afraid I’m hurting him instead of helping him.”

Lynn sighed softly. “You can’t help him if you aren’t in his life, and you can’t show him you love him if you’re not there, either.”

“I know,” David said, and Lynn nodded before standing up. “You have to go?”

“Yeah. We’re leaving on vacation for a few days, and my mom is going to take me shopping.” Lynn shook her head. “I hate shopping with her. She keeps picking out these frilly dresses that she’d like to see me wear instead of what I want to wear.”

“Good luck,” David said as he stood up and walked Lynn out to her car. She hugged him again, and he opened the car door for her. “Thanks for listening.”

“You’re welcome,” Lynn said as she climbed into the car. David stepped back, and Lynn started the engine on the old land yacht her father had bought her. And David knew why. As she backed out of the driveway, Lynn nearly took out their mailbox as well as the trash cans waiting to be picked up. David waved, thinking maybe Lynn’s dad should have gotten her a Sherman tank.

The day was warm, but David wasn’t in the mood for a swim. He did, however, want to see Benjamin. So he grabbed a book and walked across the field toward the clearing. They’d long ago established a basic time of day to meet, and David knew Benjamin would see him as he walked across the field. Sometimes, of course, Benjamin wasn’t able to come, and David would sit by the stream and read or think. Even if Benjamin wasn’t with him, being in this place made him seem close.

David sat at his usual spot and opened the book to read. But after reading the same paragraph three times and not remembering a single word, he closed the book and set it on the log next to him. Closing his eyes, he let the sound of the water and the breeze passing through the trees soothe his mind and his heart. David could not believe how happy he was that he’d told Lynn and Carol, or how comforting Lynn had been. She was right. David could not leave Benjamin alone to figure everything out on his own. David was having a difficult enough time, and he had his mother and now Lynn and Carol in his corner. Benjamin only had David.

“I thought I saw you walking over here,” Benjamin said from across the swimming hole, and David smiled, motioning Benjamin over. He nodded, and David waited until Benjamin joined him.

“Let’s go for a walk,” David suggested, and he took Benjamin’s hand, picking up his book before leading him down the trail, deeper into the woods. “I was hoping we could talk, but I figured with a day as nice as this that the kids would be down to swim.”

“Okay,” Benjamin said lightly, and David smiled to himself, glad to hear Benjamin’s happiness. They continued down the trail, the wooded area becoming thicker, until they came to an area where a large tree had toppled in the storm, creating a sunny clearing. Already, smaller plants were rising toward the sun. David jumped up on the fallen tree, walking its entire length before he turned back and sat next to Benjamin. “You wanted to talk,” Benjamin said, but David leaned close and cupped Benjamin’s head in his hand, sliding his fingers through Benjamin’s luxurious, thick dark hair. David gently kissed Benjamin’s soft, rich lips. He knew he needed to be careful even as his body screamed for more. Benjamin seemed to sense that and pressed hard, deepening the kiss, and soon David started exploring Benjamin’s mouth with his tongue while he worked a hand under Benjamin’s shirt, flicking a nipple with his thumb. Benjamin moaned and arched his back. David held him steady and kept kissing him. He loved every taste, touch, and sound when they kissed. Benjamin threw himself into every bit of it.

David gentled the kiss very slowly, savoring each second before finally tugging on Benjamin’s lower lip as he pulled away. Benjamin threw his arms around him, and David held his Benjamin for as long as he wanted to be held.

“You wanted to talk,” Benjamin said again, without moving away.

“I’m worried about you,” David whispered. He didn’t want to break the spell, so he spoke as gently and softly as he could.

“I know, and I’m sorry. I’ve been so gloomy lately,” Benjamin said.

“Gloomy?” David asked.

“I heard it on a television when I was in town with Papa. He didn’t know I was watching it or he’d have been mad. But I thought it was funny. Those people in the television are really dope.” David couldn’t help laughing at Benjamin’s choice of words. “Did I get it right?”

“Yes, you did,” David said with a chuckle that quickly died away. “I love you,” David said, holding him tighter. “I love how you feel in my arms and how easily you can make me laugh.”

“I love how you hold me and make me feel safe.” Benjamin sat back, and they faced each other. “I used to only feel this safe when I was in the community. For a long time, I never went into town with Papa because I didn’t like being around all the English. They scared me, and I didn’t feel safe. I’d heard stories from other people about how the English were out to change us and make us like them, and how important it was for us to remain separate. They told stories of how bad the English world was, but they never told us about soda or television or the people who helped Papa last winter when he was sick. They didn’t tell us about how easy it was to go somewhere when you rode in a car. They always said that our way was the best, and I believed it. But maybe our ways aren’t better—just different. They work for us, and that’s okay. English ways work for you, and that’s okay too.”

“What are you saying?” David asked.

“That maybe what I’ve been told isn’t always right, just right for the person telling the story. So, if they were wrong about the English or didn’t really know about the English, then maybe they’re wrong about me and don’t really know what God wants.”

“So you’re okay with being gay?” David asked, and Benjamin nodded.

“I went to church with my family like I always do, and a man and woman were called up to answer to the congregation because one of their children had been picking on a neighbor’s little girl because she has light hair like yours.” Benjamin reached out and lightly stroked David’s hair. “The minister told the congregation that God made the bird to look like a bird and the horse to look like a horse. They each have their own function, and the Lord declared them good.” Benjamin wiped a tear from his eye. “So I thought that if God could create different horses and birds and pigs and chickens, then why wouldn’t he create different people?” Benjamin began talking faster. “So if he created different kinds of people, then, like the girl with the gold hair, why would he make me like this if it was wrong?”

“He didn’t, because it isn’t wrong. It’s like Galileo—he was right, and everyone else was wrong.” David couldn’t help pulling Benjamin into a hug. This guy was so smart it sometimes blew David away.

“I haven’t figured out everything else yet, but I don’t feel as pulled every which way anymore. I can be myself and I don’t feel bad about not telling them.” He motioned in the direction of his home. “They’ll never understand because they don’t want to understand.”

David agreed and showed it with a smile. “But it is hard to turn your back on what you’ve been taught all your life.”

“I’m not. I’m just questioning some of it,” Benjamin said, and David kissed him again. In school, he’d done some research and written papers about the Amish, so he knew how important community and shared values were to them. He also realized the huge step Benjamin was taking. “What is it?” Benjamin asked. David realized he’d stopped moving and was simply staring blankly.

“I’m not pushing you into anything, am I?” David asked, afraid he was pressing Benjamin to do things and decide things he wasn’t ready for.

“No, Davey,” Benjamin said indulgently. “Just because I’m Amish doesn’t mean I’m not able to make up my own mind or think for myself. Granted, the ‘thinking for myself’ part is kind of new, but I rather like it. I like being able to make my own decisions and weigh whether what I believe is right or wrong instead of letting others tell me what to think.”

“So you’re okay?” David asked with relief. “Because you really had me worried for a while.” David grinned, tugging Benjamin into a hug and then another kiss. This time he didn’t stop, holding Benjamin in his arms while he tugged his shirt up his chest.

“Davey,” Benjamin whispered urgently, and David sucked lightly on a small, pebbled, pink nipple. The sun warmed them, and David tugged off Benjamin’s shirt before licking and tasting his skin. He desperately wanted to know what Benjamin tasted and smelled like everywhere. “We shouldn’t,” Benjamin gasped as his entire body shook with tiny vibrations that sent a wave of desire through David. He stopped and peered deeply into Benjamin’s eyes. He saw desire and want, but there was also caution and timidity, so David gentled his touch. After he tugged off his own shirt, he pulled Benjamin close and just held him, skin to skin, lightly stroking Benjamin’s skin. That was enough for now. He would go as slow or as fast as Benjamin wanted. There was no rush. Right now, as the shade from the surrounding trees shifted and enveloped them, they had all the time in the world. No one was around, and they had time for just the two of them.

“When do you need to be back?” David asked before lightly sucking on Benjamin’s ear.

“I have time. The harvest hasn’t quite begun yet, so there aren’t as many chores as there will be in a few weeks. I’ll be fine until late this afternoon, when I have to feed and take care of the animals,” Benjamin said, leaning back. David closed his eyes and impressed each and every sensation on his memory. He never wanted to forget what this felt like.

“You aren’t disappointed that I’m not ready to… you know?” Benjamin asked, lolling his dark head back against David’s shoulder.

“No. Just being here with you is enough.” David lightly kissed Benjamin’s shoulder. “I’ve heard guys talking at school about having sex. They go on and on, bragging about how they bagged this girl or that girl.”

“Bagged? What does that mean? It sounds awful,” Benjamin said.

“It means that they had sex with a girl just to have sex with her. They didn’t necessarily care for her, and sometimes they weren’t even nice to her afterward. She was just some girl to have sex with and then brag about to the other guys later,” David explained. “I’ve told you about my friends Lynn and Carol. Well, this guy Will got Carol to go out with him before I knew her, and she thought he really liked her, but he was just playing her to get sex. He bragged about it to everyone who would listen, and, of course, Carol was really hurt.”

“Didn’t she have a father and brothers to protect her?” Benjamin asked and then went on. “Is this one of those English and Amish differences?”

David held Benjamin tighter, adjusting things slightly for added comfort. “If her father had found out, he probably would have killed Will, but Carol kept it from him and didn’t say anything.”

“So are you trying to bag me?”

“No. That’s my point. It hurt Carol deeply to be treated like that, and I’d never try to have sex with you just because it was what I wanted. Being with you, holding you like this, is enough. And when you’re ready I’ll be happy to try to show you what it means to express love physically. My mom said it’s the most amazing thing in the world when two people truly love one another, and I believe her. Since my dad died, she hasn’t dated or even talked about seeing anyone else. She really loved him, and I don’t think, even after almost four years, that she could bring herself to see someone else.”

“Would it hurt you if she did?” Benjamin asked.

“I don’t know. If he was good to my mom, I’d be okay with it. But I’m not really looking forward to having a stepfather. I like it being just my mom and me. She’s been so supportive and understanding. If you wanted to talk to her, I know she’d listen.”

Benjamin shook his head. “I don’t know if I can talk to anyone else about this.”

“I was just offering, in case you wanted someone else to talk with,” David said. He wished Benjamin would agree to talk to an adult. David worried constantly that he was giving Benjamin the wrong advice, but he knew better than to push. Sometimes Benjamin needed to arrive at things himself.