Bootleg (3 page)

  I
’m doing standup again because my movie career wasn’t happening. I wasn’t happy with it. I had turned into a total whore, doing movies that I didn’t care about. I just did them for the money. I felt like that little cartoon penguin—Chilly Willy. I was just being greedy. They would say:

Hollywood
: You want to make a movie about basketball?

Me
: Mmhmm. That’s nice.

Hollywood
: How about boxing? Do you know how to box?

Me
: Yes, I box. I’ll hit-em like this and hit-em like that.

But even at my lowest, there was one line I wouldn’t cross.

Hollywood
: Would you play a slave?

Me
: No! I’ll get the hell out before I sell out!

  A
lot of people ask me if I’ve ever thought about doing a dramatic role. The answer is yes. I tried to get a role in the movie
Amistad
, which was directed by Steven Spielberg. Unfortunately, Steven wouldn’t even see me. They said I wasn’t black enough. I was a little offended by that at first. But then I thought about the audition process and what I would’ve been subjected to, and I started to feel a little better. After all, it’s hard to get your dignity back after auditioning for a slave role.

Spielberg
: Action!

Me
: I is da bestest nigger you gots, sa. I’s can picks da cotton with my feets if I has ta. I’s do anything to be yo slave, sa. You can beat me and I don’t bleed much. Plus, I’s tells on all the other niggas. Please, please, massa, don’t give me my freedom.

Spielberg
: Cut!

Me
: Thank you, Mr. Spielberg, for giving me the opportunity to showcase my talents.

Spielberg
: You’re welcome. But I’m sorry, Damon, you’re just not nigger enough. I’m looking for someone more coonish. I need a more … Danny Gloverish type.

  W
hen I found out that Spielberg has two black kids, I was amazed. What I want to know is, where the hell did he get these black kids from? Are they a prop left over from
The Color Purple?
Probably after the movie he was walking around the set, saying “Okay, I want those two spears, Oprah’s handkerchief, Harpo’s hat, and wrap those two little niggers up over there.”

I guess when you have a lot of money you can do anything. I hope one day to adopt me a little white kid. Maybe a nice little Jewish boy. He’ll be able to help me out with my taxes and manage my career. We need a lawyer in the family. I’m tired of all these damned comedians.

  E
ven if Spielberg didn’t want to consider me for
Amistad
, it seems every time I look up there’s some Hollywood producer coming to me with a slave role. I can’t play a slave. I refuse to play one ‘cause I’ve got four kids. How are my kids ever going to respect me if they see me being beaten and treated like a slave?

Me
: Little Damon, get off that chair before I spank your behind!

Son
: Yeah, you weren’t so tough when the massa was kickin’ your ass.

Besides that, there has never been a cool slave role. Every time you see a brother playing a slave he’s always whining and crying. If I had to play a slave, I’d want to play the one that gets raped by the white woman, and has to go to trial and defend himself:

Slave
: I didn’t wants to do it, yo honor. She forceded herself on me. I was outs in da fields bustin’ up the chifferobe. I don’t even know what the chifferobe is. But they say I have to bust it up. So, I bust it up.

Then, I hears Missy, off in the distance. She comes just a jumping and a skipping singing “Yankee Doodle Dandy.” And I’s knows somethin’ was a wrong, Massa, so when she comes close to me I looks away. She said “Timbuck, look at me.” I said, “No, Missy, yo whiteness is hurtin’ my eyes.” Then she comes over and toucheded me on my privacy. My eyes sprung up as wide as dey can be. I said, “Missy, you don’t want to let this here monkey out of the bag. ‘Cause you know once you go black you don’t come back.”

Missy said, “Timbuck, I wants to give you head.” Shucks, I thought she was gonna put me in charge of the other negroes. I want’s to get ahead, sa. But she had her lil’ mind on somethin’ else. She gets to kissin’ me all over my black face with them little thin lips of hers. It felt like two pieces of baloney on the side of my face. Then, she says, “Timbuck, I loves you.” And she put her head down there where no white women’s head belongs, sa…. That’s right. In the jungle. Then, she looked up at me and there was this shadow going across her face. Must have been one of them trees or somethin”. And I remember she look up at me and said, “Timbuck, yous might hang for this.” I said, “Yassum, but you gonna choke first, Missy.”

  W
hen I get bitter about my acting career, I just think about the other people that had it worse than I do. Guys like Hervé Villechaize, the little guy that played Tattoo on
Fantasy Island.
Imagine how tough it was for him. I mean, what possessed him to look into the mirror and say, “I’m going to be an actor. I want be the next Latin lover.”

What people don’t know is, Hervé didn’t get discovered. He had to audition like every other actor in Hollywood. I’m sure there were several parts he auditioned for that he didn’t get because he was just totally wrong for the role. As an actor you are taught to believe that you can play anything. So, Hervé would walk into the casting office confident.

Hervé
: Hello, my name is Hervé Villechaize and I am here to audition for the part of Superman.

Casting Director
: Well, you may not be right for the part.

Hervé
: What do you mean I’m wrong for the part? I got a big chest. I got little legs but my chest is wide. You can stand me on a table or something. Just let me play the part. Please give me a chance. I drove all the way here on my Big Wheel so I could read for the part. Look up in the sky. It’s a bird. It’s da plane, da plane, da plane!

Casting Director
: Well, thank you very much for coming in. That was great. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.

Hervé
: Aw, fuck you. You don’t know talent when you see it.

The next day he’d be back in the casting office for something else he wasn’t right for.

Hervé
: Hi, my name is Hervé Villechaize. I want to audition for the part of the Terminator.

Casting Director
: Sorry, but we just gave the role to Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Hervé
: Aw, fuck you! You don’t know talent when you see it. I’ll be back.

Casting Director
: Hey, that’s a great line. We should put it in the movie. I’ll be right back.

The worst thing that can happen to an actor is for the public to know him for a single role. An actor does all of this work over the span of a career and all the public can remember is the one thing. For example, Jimmie Walker is forty-nine years old, has a big gut, and looks like a swollen rat. People see him and all they can think to say is “Dy-no-mite.” Jimmie doesn’t want to hear that shit. The same thing happened to Hervé. He will forever be remembered as Tattoo, the guy who said “da plane, da plane.” When he was out in public, it must’ve been a nightmare.

Brother
: Yo, man, that’s the dude. That’s the little mother-fucka from that show,
Fantasy Island!
Yo, little man, say that
shit that you be sayin’ about the plane. Yo, me and my boys be laughin’ off at that.

Tattoo
: Please, I’m standing in line here to get some hemorrhoid cream. Please don’t bother me right now.

Brother on the Street
: Come on, shorty, just say it. Just once, man.

Tattoo
: Okay, okay. You want me to say it even with hemorrhoids? Here you go. Look, boss, da plane, da plane, da plane. You satisfied now?

Brother on the Street
: Yo, fuck you. You ain’t that good anyway. Big-headed freak!

I believe that’s one of the reasons Hervé killed himself. I heard that before his death, he would hang out in bars getting drunk with his best friend Chris Burke, Corky from
Life Goes On.

Hervé
: No one loves Hervé. They only like Tattoo. Tattoo this, Tattoo that. They can kiss Tattoo’s ass!

Chris
: I know what you mean, Hervé. ‘Cause no one cares about me either. It’s all about Corky.

Hervé
: You know something, Corky, I never liked Mr. Roarke from
Fantasy Island.
He was an asshole, a real son of a bitch. You know that in the five years that we worked together, he never once shook my hand?

Chris
: Why not?

Hervé
: He said to touch my little fingers gave him the willies. He said it would make his palms itch for the rest of the day, if I ever shook his hand. That son of a bitch! He makes me sick to my stomach.

Chris
: Well, life goes on.

Hervé
: I guess you’re right, but he didn’t have to treat me with disrespect. I’m a man, not a little boy. Do you know that he was the one that made me call him boss? I said to him, “But why do I have to call you boss?” And he said, “Because you’re down by my balls.” And then, he used me to make the girls laugh. Always trying to impress the
Fantasy Island
girls. His big joke was every time we’d do a scene together he’d find a reason to put his ass in my face. One time we were filming a two-hour special and he ate six burritos with extra guacamole and a jalapeno sauce. He didn’t have to do that. Well, I’ll tell you this, the girls wouldn’t think he was so sexy if they knew what Ricardo Montalban’s ass smells like!

Chris
: Well, life goes on. I mean, I could think of one hundred reasons to be upset. I’m not bitter. So what, I didn’t get the part in
Rainman.
Who cares, they went with somebody else for
My Left Foot?
Even though I would’ve been perfect for
Sling Blade
, I’m not going to wallow in self-pity. You know what? We have to count our blessings. It could always be worse.

Hervé
: You got that right. I mean, we could be niggers, right?

Chris
: I’ll drink to that!

  H
ervé’s not the only short guy who’s had problems. I heard the other day that they arrested Gary Coleman. Damn, what’s the world coming to when little Gary Coleman starts getting arrested? What’s sad is he’s been reduced to working as a security guard in a shopping mall. I don’t know what he’s guarding at four feet tall—must be somebody’s nuts or something.

“What you talking bout, mister?” He’ll be screaming, “Can’t touch these nuts, brother!”

Gary got back in the spotlight when he had an argument with a woman at the mall. Apparently, the woman wanted an autograph. He said, “Not while I’m on duty.” So, she got mad and called him a little has-been. And then he punched her in the thigh. I feel sorry for him. He started out so little and cute. People were coming up to him saying, “Awww, look how sweet.” Then, he stayed four feet tall and grew a beard, and started scaring people. “Oh shit, what is that thing?”

“What you talkin’ ‘bout, mister?” Gary would say, his lower lip sticking out.

“Oh God, it talks! It’s a little black Ewok! Run!”

  I
saw Oprah recently on the cover of
Vogue
magazine. Damn, she looks good! Nothing like
The Color Purple
days. The woman lost over fifty pounds, which is an amazing feat. But she had to lose weight because there was a time when Oprah would come down the aisle on her show and knock people off their chairs with her big ass. I remember one show in particular that was really frightening:

Oprah
: Okay, we have a caller. Who’s on the line?

Caller
: Hello, Oprah, my name is Harry and I’m calling from inside your ass.

Oprah
: Really?

Caller
: Yeah, you remember last week when you dropped the microphone? Well, I was right behind you when you bent over to pick it up.

Oprah
: What is your point, caller?

Caller
Well, I just wanted to say, I like what you did with your ass. It’s really comfortable in here and I don’t think I ever want to come out. They’re actually building a mall on the right cheek of your ass.

Oprah
: Thank you, caller. If you see Stedman tell him I don’t care how long he hides out in there, I’m still not going to promote his book.

Ain’t that a bitch. Stedman Graham wrote a book titled,
How to Be Successful in Business.
It should have been one page. Chapter One: “Marry Oprah.” He’s a lucky man, because if I were Oprah—smart, rich, with my own successful talk show—not only would I have stayed fat, but I would’ve gotten fatter. I would’ve made it my goal to gain a pound a day. I would have made him lay down with me and feed me cake and ice cream and tell me how pretty I am and how much he loved me for who I am. That would’ve been his job. Then he would’ve added a second chapter to his book. Chapter Two: “How to Kill Your Woman and Hide Her Fat Body Without Getting Caught.”

  S
tedman could have gone to Dr. Kevorkian for advice on how to get away with killing someone. I’m glad they finally convicted this madman for murder. I mean, what kind of profession is that, where you kill people and call yourself a doctor? He must have been the worst student in his class. His professor must have said to him, “Maybe you should try law. You’re really not good at keeping these people alive.”

Kevorkian answered, “Hmmmm, maybe I’ll be a death doctor. Carve my own niche.”

Do you know this man has killed over a hundred people? That’s too much power for any man to possess. And he tries to justify it by saying he’s helping them make a transition to a better place. Do you know how many black men are down in county jail right now trying to use that same excuse?

They’re standing before the judge, saying, “Your honor, I was trying to help these people get to the other side. And I knew they wouldn’t be able to get there with all that money they had. So I simply took their lives and wallets. But they are in a better place now. They don’t need all these material things that this world says you’re supposed to have.”

I’m sure that in the beginning they were mercy killings and Kevorkian was sincerely trying to help
these people by easing their suffering. But, like any job, after you do it over and over again, you start getting bored. You start looking for new ways to keep yourself entertained. Over time, he started toying with the way he took them out.

Kevorkian
: All right, Mr. Nadlehaff, just sign right here. And then I can help you make that transition. Now, why don’t we do something a little different here? We’ll put a little acid in your IV, just to mix it up a little. Help speed up the transition a little.

By the twenty-fifth guy, he tried something even more creative. He walked in the room with a mallot behind his back.

Kevorkian
: How you feeling there, Mr. Johnson?

Mr. Johnson
: Not too good.

Kevorkian
: Great. Listen, I was talking to the nurse. And … hey, is that your wife over there?

Mr. Johnson
: Where?

Crack!

Kevorkian
: Another one bites the dust. Yeah!

I guess by the time he got to the seventy-fifth guy, he just walked into the room with a loaded gun.

Kevorkian
: All right, fucker. You’ve got three seconds to run.

Smith
: Aaahhhh!!

Recently, he’s been feeling a little feisty and that’s what got him caught. He got way too creative and filmed it.

Kevorkian
: Hello there, Mary. How are you doing, sweetheart?

Mary
: Not good.

Kevorkian
: Great. Listen, Mare, do you trust me?

Mary
: Yes, doctor.

Kevorkian
: Good. ‘Cause I’ve designed a trip to the other side that’s gonna make you the envy of the deceased. This will be my greatest transition of them all. Okay, I want you to take your thumb and put it in your ass.

Mary
: Like this?

Kevorkian
: Yes, that’s right. Now I want you to grab hold of this electric cord. Okay, wave good-bye.

BZZZZZZTTTT!