Bootleg (13 page)

  D
id you hear about the eighty-year-old man that left his wife and got a younger woman after taking Viagra? I can’t say I really blame him. It’s probably been fifteen years since the poor old man has had an erection, and I’m sure after sixty years of nagging she had something to do with his dysfunction.

He finally gets it up and he’s thinking, “Man, do I have to use it on this eighty-year-old woman? She wears an oxygen mask and a heart monitor. How can I have sex with that?”

Hell, he’d have to use defibrillators just to get her wet. “Okay, give me four hundred volts, stat. Clear!” And you know his wife would try to doll herself up. But it wouldn’t work. Imagine her in some Victoria Secrets on a walker, saying things like, “Taste my diaper. It’s edible.”

The old guy would have to help her to the bed and onto all fours with her breasts dripping down. She’d say, “Okay, Daddy, I want you to knock my teeth out from the back. What are you waiting on? Stop being silly, it’s just a hemorrhoid.”

Man, that’s just nasty. Maybe they ought to screen people before they actually prescribe the Viagra. What’s an eighty-year-old man doing having sex anyway?

  W
hen a man comes home from work, he wants quiet, just to be left alone for a while. Women, however, can’t resist trying to pry their way into his head by saying things like, “What are you thinking?”

Of course, a man would just get angry and say something to upset her, such as, “I’m thinking, can I kill you and get away with it?”

This is simply not going to work if you want a meaningful and productive relationship. Men need to learn the female language, to look behind the veneer at what is really going on in a woman’s head. It has taken me years to figure out that when a woman asks you that question they just want some attention. That in mind, see how successful the following approach is:

Woman
: What are you thinking?

Man
: Why, I’m thinking about you, dear.

Woman
: Oh, that’s so sweet. Okay, well, I’m going to leave you alone because I know you must have a lot on your mind.

  M
en, I don’t care how slick you might think you are, women can tell when you are cheating on them. They’ve got some special radar, their powers of intuition.

Wife
: I had a bad dream last night.

Husband
: What about?

Wife
: I dreamed there was a snake in my bed.

Husband
: Are you serioussss? That soundsss like a ssscary, ssscary story. I need sssome lotion, my ssskin is ssstaring to ssshed.

  W
hen you have an affair there’s always the chance that the other women will start to develop strong feelings for you. Before you know it this woman that agreed that the relationship would be strictly sexual will utter the words like:

Woman
: Are you going home to her?

Man
: Yes. If it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be here.

  Y
ou can’t be friends with a fine woman, otherwise, you’re going to want to sleep with her. If you need a female friend, find you a big, fat, ugly woman. They’re the best friends, except there is a whole lot of emotional baggage you have to deal with. You being the friend are the one that has to talk her fat ass off the roof every week: “Come down, Rotunda, you’re not that fat. Come on, let’s go get some ice cream and Twinkies. I’ll pay. Come on, there’s an all-you-can-eat down at Sizzler. See, I knew you’d come down, buddy.”

  I
used to play this mind game on myself whenever I saw a pretty woman that tempted me. What I would do is look at this woman and find a physical flaw, then I would animate her flaw in my mind until it turned me off. Like, a pair of little legs in my mind would look like pool sticks. This worked for years without any problems. Until I moved to LA. Some women in LA are flawless. I’d run across women who were so beautiful, I’d have a problem finding anything wrong, so I had to make some adjustments in my mind. I had to start thinking about what’s wrong on the inside. “She probably has a cyst on her ovaries. Her intestines are probably all backed up with red meat. I bet she wipes to the front.”

  W
hen a man is in love with you, he puts you on a pedestal. You are his queen, his baby, his boo. You are the one he brags to his friends about at work and there is only one person in this world that can knock you off of this pedestal. And that person is you.

How? you might wonder. By farting. Don’t ever fart around your man! It ruins his image of you as his flower. You become a stink weed. How is your man supposed to keep you on that pedestal when you’re farting around him? I guess you might say, “Well, he does it.”

Yes, he does, but he also pees standing up. Are you going to try that, too? Men are pigs. He’s supposed to fart. He’s farting for the both of you, which is why it smells so bad. Just because your man is nasty it doesn’t mean he’s trying to get into a farting contest with you. You start pootin’ around your man, he’s gonna stop doing all the nice things that he used to do for you, like holding the door open, because now he’s thinking, “I’m gonna hold this door for this bitch, and then she’s gonna go and fart. And I’m gonna have to walk behind her and smell it? You get the door your damned self!”

  W
oman are very strange creatures. Most don’t like to see other women happy. Whether it’s envy or jealousy, I don’t know, but I’d be hanging out with a woman and if a pretty woman walks by, the first thing that comes out of her mouth is, “That bitch thinks she’s cute.”

Men don’t trip like that. You’ll never see man look at another man and say, “He thinks he’s got a nice ass.” A man knows he shouldn’t be looking at this guy’s ass in the first place.

  M
en, too, are strange in their own way. Every man thinks that the key to any problem on earth is “some good dick”! A guy will look at a lesbian and say, “All that ho needs is some good dick.” They can look at a cancer patient and say, “To hell with chemo. All she needs is some good dick and she’ll be up and around in no time.” They can even be in a morgue, saying, “So what she’s dead? Some good dick’ll resurrect that ho.”

  I
would love to see a female president in my lifetime. It would be a huge step for women and prove how far we’ve come as a society. Women are as capable as men, and if they run households and companies, they can run a country. And they can’t mess things up any more than men have over the past few centuries. But, really, I don’t think a woman will become president anytime soon. They are just too emotional. A man can separate logic from his emotions. Like, at a time of war a male president can address the nation by simply saying, “We are at war.” It’s a direct statement of fact with no touchy-feely stuff.

I don’t think a women can be that cold. Her declaration would go something like this: “Hello, friends. I’m sorry to interrupt your evening, but I regret to have to inform you that we’re having a little spat with our friends in Iraq. Remember when I invited Mr. Hussein and his wife over for supper? Well, I made lobster Newburg with a lovely white wine sauce with a three bean salad because I’m on a diet right now. Anyway, everything was hunky-dory until I looked down and saw that that bitch had the nerve to be wearing the same shoes as me. Oh no, she knew I was gonna wear them and she wore hers anyway. Then the ho started flirting with my man right in front of me. Uh-uh, I’m not having that. We are at war. It’s on!”

  M
any thanks to David Asbery, Stephen Barnes, Annice Parker, David M. Schnaid, La Trenda Carey, Toni Phillips, Ann Develin Blanchard, Dan Strone, the William Morris Agency, Mauro DiPreta, Toisan Craigg, David Hirshey, NY Comic Strip Live, Improvisation (LA), Comedy Store, the entire east coast and west coast Way-Tang Clan—
where black unity still exists,
and special thanks to the loves of my life; my source of inspiration (and jokes), my wife and kids—Lisa, Damon, Michael, Cara Mia, and Kyla.

DAMON WAYANS starred in the groundbreaking television sketch-comedy program
IN LIVING COLOR
, where he debuted some of his most famous characters: Handi-man, the first handicapped hero, the Head Detective, and Homey the Clown. He has starred in a number of hit films—
THE LAST BOY SCOUT, MO’ MONEY
, and
THE GREAT WHITE HYPE
—and three HBO specials. Born in Manhattan with nine siblings, Damon now lives in LA with his wife, four children, two dogs, and a pet roach named Luther. He is currently touring the country performing standup.

Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.

BOOTLEG.
Copyright © 1999 by Damon Wayans.

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

EPub Edition © SEPTEMBER 2010 ISBN: 978-0-062-03008-5

FIRST EDITION

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Wayans, Damon
        Bootleg / Damon Wayans.
          p. cm.
        ISBN 0-06-019366-2
        1. Family Humor. 2. Afro-American families Humor.
      I. Title.
      PN6231.F3W39 1999
      818′.5407—dc21

99-25437

99 00 01 02 03
/
RRD
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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