Bootleg (11 page)

  P
enis length isn’t the only thing guys lie about. I had a guy tell me that he made love to his woman for six hours straight. This is impossible. First of all, you can’t physically last for six hours, your back will spasm. It may feel like six hours, but I guarantee you, it’s more like six minutes. And second of all, you can’t apply that kind of friction to a vagina without it bursting into flames. Fellas, stop lying.

  W
omen search hard for the answer to this question, “Why do men stray?” They buy self-help books, watch Oprah, and spend hours on the phone with their girlfriends just to find out how they can keep their man. Well, look no further. I have the solution to your problem. My five-step program will guarantee total satisfaction for both you and your man. After taking the Penis Worship Program you won’t ever have to worry about that man straying again.

It’s important that you make your man think that he has the biggest, baddest penis on the planet. Even though you both know it’s not true, he needs to hear it. And you have to be the messenger. He needs to hear this morning, noon, and night, any time and any context is appropriate. For instance,

Woman
: Pass me the salt, please. Do you want a piece of bread? And, oh, honey, have I ever told you that you have an incredibly fat shaft?

Give your man plenty of head. It’s not the act of giving head that turns him on, it’s the fact that he’s getting head that turns him on. He knows that if his girl is taking the time out of her busy day to get down on her knees and put the uncircumcised thing in her mouth she is performing one of the ultimate acts of love.

Learn how to give a proper blow job. And get right to the point. All of that kissing on the neck and chest is unnecessary. Men don’t have titties. There’s no erogenous zone to be found up there. You know what a man is thinking when you start with all of that kissing? “She ain’t gonna suck my dick. She’s just wasting time.”

Ladies, if you don’t like the way it tastes, put something on it. These are the best dipsticks ever made. Try some honey, chocolate, peanut butter, guacamole, CheezeWhiz—whatever you like. If you want to put some popcorn in the crease of his balls, he’ll let you. He’ll never stop you. If a man is sure that you’re going to put it in your mouth, you can set it on fire and he will let you. He’ll actually light it for you.

Man
: All right, baby. Let’s start the wienie roast. Come on, get to it! My ass hairs are burning.

Don’t make faces while giving head. It’s not a sour pop. Think about how he would feel. What if your man had his head between your legs and started making faces like he’s drinking wheat grass. Your feelings would be hurt, right? So, try to look like you’re enjoying yourself. Maybe smile, but not a big smile ‘cause you don’t want him to think that you’re laughing at the size of his dick. A little smirk will do.

This concludes the Penis Worship Program. If you follow the steps I guarantee that your man won’t stray. HE’LL STAY!!!

One extra tip, throw in a little choke. Men like that.

  M
en, there are things that you can do to help your woman stay sexually attracted to you. Like the next time you are about to put your underwear in the hamper take the time to rub those little doo-doo stains out. Take a little soap and water and shout those out. This tells her that you’re thinking about her. I mean, think about what must go through her mind when she picks up your dirty draws and sees those brown stains: “Ugh, what kind of animal am I married to? This grown man can’t even wipe his ass!”

After looking at that mess how do you expect her to even consider giving you head again? It’s not because she just doesn’t like doing it. No. It’s because she doesn’t want to smell butt funk. As a preventative measure, think about buying some of those baby wipes and keep them by the bowl. A happy woman is a happy relationship!

  E
ver notice that there are very few products for men in the drug store, but they have a whole aisle devoted to the vagina? Massengill, Monistat, Stay Free, Stay Soft, Just Stay, powders, puffs, sprays, shavers. Anything you can think of, they have for the vagina. I guess there’s no market for the male organ. No soaps, no sprays, no Peany Pads, no nothing. Not even a cute little bow to tie around the shaft.

They don’t have any products for the penis because it would be a hard sell. Men don’t think that there’s anything wrong with them. And, besides, that there’s no way to sell these products on television. I mean, look at the commercials they have for women. They can suggest anything, right? You’ll see two beautiful women sitting in front of a fire in a cabin on a mountaintop with snow all around them. And one of them looks over and says, “Jenny, I just don’t feel fresh.”

Now, we all know that what this means is, “Jenny, my vagina is stinking even up here on this mountain.” But she didn’t have to say that for Jenny to understand. Jenny just nods and hands over a carton of Super Absorbent Sweet Box. But see, you can’t do this with a guy because guys don’t understand
subtlety. It’d have to be raw. Like two guys sitting on a scaffolding at a construction site eating lunch:

Jim
: Hey, Tommy, my balls stink. I don’t know what’s wrong. I tried everything. Baby powder, talcum powder, foot spray and nothing works. It’s like a freakin’ laundromat down there.

Tommy
: Well, Jim, have you tried Cheese-Away?

Jim
: Cheese-Away, what’s that?

Tommy
: Cheese-Away is the first ball deodorant made especially for the hardworking blue-collar man.

Jim
: Really? Can Cheese-Away help me?

Tommy
: Sure, Cheese-Away helps stifle the cheese smell that occurs between the ass and the ball area. With Cheese-Away you will no longer have to deal with smelly balls. After one application your balls will smell fresh and clean. Yeah, smell that.

Jim
: Minty!

Tommy
: Yeah, and now Cheese-Away comes in New Car Smell.

Jim
: Thanks, Cheese-Away!

  M
ost women feel that men are not the best communicators. It may be that they’re just not properly interpreting what their men do say. Maybe the best way for women to better understand how men communicate would be for them to listen to men when they play basketball. It’s very primal. You’ll see a guy coming down the court and yell at his teammate, “Motherfucka, pass the ball!”

The player handling the ball doesn’t get mad, because he knows that his teammate isn’t calling him a “motherfucka” per se. He knows what he’s trying to say is, “Friend, we’re a team here. If we’re going to win this game you have to stop being selfish and share the ball.”

So, the ball handler passes the basketball to his teammate, who will most likely score a basket. They share in the moment and grow closer as a result. Everybody wins.

Now, to relate this to a domestic situation, let’s say a man tells his woman, “Motherfucka, bring me something to eat.” She shouldn’t jump to conclusions
or be offended. She should take the time to understand what the man is really trying to say, which is, “Baby, when I come home from a hard day’s work your food is the only thing that soothes my soul.”

Women shouldn’t get caught up on little words like “motherfucker.” Try to understand what he’s really trying to say.

  W
hile men do communicate well on the basketball court, women shouldn’t go thinking that men are having thoughtful, in-depth conversations with each other when they hang out. They’re not. Believe me, you’re not missing out on anything. Here’s a typical guy conversation:

Man
: Hey, man, what’s up?

Other man
: Nothing much. You see the ass on that girl?

Man
: Yeah, I saw that. Would you hit that?

Other man
: Yeah, I’d hit that. Her titties are kind of flat, though.

Man
: Yeah. But I’d still hit it, though.

Other man
: Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’d hit it, too.

Man
: All right, well, I got to get home to my woman. I’ll see you later.

Other man
: Yeah, me too. It was good hanging out with you.

  L
adies, I don’t care what you read in magazines, men don’t like it when you stick your finger up their butt. It challenges their masculinity. Just because we do it to you doesn’t mean we want you to reciprocate. It does not feel good. A female friend of mine was arguing with me about this. She told me, “When I put my finger in my man’s ass while giving him head it makes him cum quicker.” And I have to patiently explain to her, “No. He’s cumming quicker because he wants you to take your finger out of his ass!”

  I
believe that men and women are not connecting anymore because of the condom. A lot of intimacy is getting trapped in a little plastic bubble. Men and women are going through the motions of making love, but with all of the rubber between them, emotionally they’re not in tune with each other because the message the condom brings to the relationship is: I like you, but I don’t trust you!

  W
omen need to realize that men are visual creatures. A woman must stimulate and constantly appeal to his visual nature, otherwise, a man will lose his desire. In the beginning of the relationship women are very creative at keeping him engaged. They come to bed with a little nurse’s outfit on, eight-inch pumps, saying, “I’m here to check your temperature, Big Daddy.”

“You know, I was feeling a little feverish,” he’ll say, excited because he knows he’s about to get his freak on.

But time passes in a relationship and women start to forget about his visual nature. They start coming to bed with nurse shoes on because they’re comfortable. And they have that baggy army fatigue shirt on with rollers in their hair, cream on their face, and cucumbers on their eyes.

Now, if a woman who dresses like this wonders, “Why don’t we make love anymore?” then she shouldn’t be surprised if her man replies, “Because I’m tired of fucking the fruit stand!”

And remember there are other women out there who are dressing to seduce, constantly tempting men. Just think about fashion today. Something that was once a T-shirt is now a dress. They have a bra that can take a breast that was down by the navel and bring it up front and center. It’s called a Wonder Bra because when you take it off you wonder where those nice titties went.

It’s easier for women to resist temptation, because men don’t dress to seduce. A guy with his shirt unbuttoned is either Arab or a faggot. I mean, when was the last time you saw a guy with one of his nuts hanging out his pants trying to be sexy, saying, “Hey, baby, how’s it hanging?”

I could stand a group of women in a room and tell them what kind of panties they were wearing just at a glance: “She’s wearing a G-string because there are no lines. That one has on a thong ‘cause I see the little
V
in the back. Those must be period panties right there. And over here, that’s laundry day.”

Of course, it’s unfair of a man to expect his woman to look fine all day long. Men don’t understand that being a woman is really intense. A woman needs to do her hair, makeup, fingernails, toes, and eyebrows to look good, or to feel she looks good for her man. The funny thing is that all men really pay attention to is titties and ass. You’ll never hear a guy say, “Man, she got a nice ass, but her eyebrows are connected. I can’t get with that.”

  M
en and women need to understand why it is the relationship sometimes doesn’t work out. Sometimes it’s just because you are the “fat fuck” in the relationship and the other person just doesn’t want to be with the “fat fuck” anymore. Let’s take a look at the ladies first.

Over time women develop these big fat asses that they try to blame on child bearing or age. This is bullshit. These asses are big because they know they got their man and he’s going to have to pay a lot of money to get away from their fat ass. So, they just let their ass go because they have nothing to prove. The ass can be all around the house and they don’t care. You’ll be saying things like, “Baby, this your ass in my shoe? Could you get it out? I gotta go to work. Could you sit on my shirt and iron it please? Thanks, Rotunda.”

I haven’t forgotten the men. As the years go by we develop what many call the Beer Belly, Chippy’s Playground, or the Penis Obstructor. You don’t have to be a beer drinker to develop this. Sometimes you get one of these bellies by simply eating too damn much. Now, while you’re making love to your partner, your belly is getting all hot and sweaty from the friction, and you hear your woman screaming and
you think it’s because the lovin’ is good but the real reason is you’re giving her an Indian burn on the stomach. After it’s over she has to go to the bathroom and put some cocoa butter on her belly so she can sleep. She never tells you this ‘cause she loves you and doesn’t want to hurt the fat fuck’s feelings.

Whether you’re married or single, women don’t want fat, sloppy guys, so it’s important to stay in shape. Women want their men on top of them, looking down, totally in control, not laying on their stomach massaging their intestines. To accomplish this, you have got to work on the upper body to develop strong arms, a strong chest and back, and a strong stomach. Forget legs, they aren’t important to women or sex. Your legs can look like you have polio and it won’t make a difference. It’s all upper body and the ability to take your ass and touch the back of your head and then let your body thrust forward.
POW!
Now that’s a stroke.

I went to a twenty-four-hour gym in Hollywood, which was really strange. Seems like the later you go, the weirder the people get. There was a dude that hung in the showers. He didn’t work out, he just hung in the showers washing his belly, like he’s thinking, “Yummy, look at all this dick. Hmm, hmm.” I can’t wash up there. I just go home stinking. Besides, I’m lifting light weights so I don’t really work up a sweat. I’m trying to get toned, not buff. That’s the excuse guys use when they can’t lift heavy weights. After I do about six curls, I go to the mirror for about half an hour of flexing.

“Yeah, this is coming along. I’m looking good, Jack,” I’d say, smashing my arm against my ribs to try and make my bicep look bigger.

And I feel good until one of those musclebound cats comes along and lets me know just how big I am. “Excuse me, little man, can I get to those three hundreds?”

Truthfully I never go above one hundred pounds because once I tried to bench press one hundred and twenty and the bar got stuck on me. Have you ever lifted weights and you get trapped on the bench? I had done about twenty-five presses. When I tried to push it back up, the shit got real heavy. My hands started trembling and I couldn’t get it off me. I was too embarrassed to ask for help. So, I’m laying there, struggling, making little bitch noises until finally the dude in the bathroom comes running out, rubbing his stomach, yelling, “What’s going on out here? Is somebody lifting a hundred pounds? Oooh, let me help you, you poor thing!”