Bootleg
Authors: Damon Wayans with David Asbery
Damon
Wayans
Bootleg
with David Asbery
It’s easy to create a great joke.
It’s harder to create great joke tellers.
This book is dedicated to my parents,
Howell and Elvira Wayans, who did it ten times.
They probably laughed a lot during sex.
Part 1: The Cult of Personality
Would You Rather Have HIV of O.J.?
You Don’t Remember My Movies, Do You?
The Scariest Words Known to Man
How to Make Your Man Not Forget Your Wedding Anniversary
If Your Wife Doesn’t Like Your Friends, Watch Out
The Delivery Room Is No Man’s Land
Your Kids Will Ruin Your Sex Life
Aerobics Are Not Good for a Marriage
You’re the Proud Parents of a Baby Girl Named Monica
Disneyland: White Man’s Paradise
Taking Revenge on the Family Dog
Appreciate Your Parents or Die
Hot Steaming Stinking Bad Breath
A Haitian, a Plunger, and the NYPD
Relationship Tip #1 for Him: Keep Clean
Relationship Tip #2 for Her: Communication
Relationship Tip #3 for Her: The Power of Lookin’ Good
Relationship Tip #4 for Her: Insensitivity and Men
Relationship Tip #5 for Her: The Power of Indifference
Relationship Tip #6 for Him: Women Can’t Mind Their Business
I
was very sad to see my brother’s show get canceled because out of the three black talk shows—Keenen’s, Sinbad’s, and Magic’s—I think that Keenen had the best one. At least he was good looking, articulate, and occasionally funny. Sinbad is a good friend of mine, and I love him, but, I just think he’s too yellow to be on TV. I never had to use the hue button before on my remote control until he showed up in late night. The first time I watched the show I said to my wife, “Is something wrong with my hue? My tint must be off. Is the brotha supposed to be pink with freckles? And the damn contrast must be broken’ ‘cause I can’t believe that he’s wearing a purple, red, and green outfit.”
Sinbad should have fired everyone in the wardrobe department. One time he came out with balloon pants, a tuxedo jacket, and sneakers. Even Prince used to laugh at the way Sinbad dressed. And another thing, Sinbad thought “talk show” meant he’s supposed to talk during the whole damn show. Have you ever watched Sinbad do an interview? He asks a question and then answers it. All the guest can do is shake his head.
Sinbad goes off like, “Man, I saw you in your
last movie. You was good, too, and, man, you had that pretty girl. What’s that pretty girl’s name? ‘Cause I worked with a pretty girl that looked like that pretty girl, she had big breasts—
Plow!
—and butt all over the room, HA HA HA. She was fine, too, but hey, do you do your own stunts? ‘Cause I know somebody that did that, fell down, broke his back, he ain’t worked since. They replaced him with two midgets, HA HA HA. Man, I would never do my own stunts, ‘cause I ain’t gettin’ any younger and neither is this interview. Listen, we out of time. Why don’t you come back and do the show again?”
“Uh, yeah I…” the guest would try to answer.
Sinbad would flap his arms, saying, “I’m sure you can. Everyone give him a hand. Up next a funky fresh fella from Philly that never fakes the funk. He’s the original funk master funkateer, Bootsy Collins.”
Then, there was Magic. Who the hell told Magic that he should do a talk show? Anybody that says “bassetball,” repeated says “bassetball,” doesn’t have any business doing a talk show. I’m sure that sometime in his life someone tried to correct him. When he was a little boy his mom must’ve tried.
Magic’s Mother
: Hey, Earvin, what are you going to be when you grow up?
Magic
: I wanna blay BASSETBALL.
Magic’s Mother
: Now, Earvin, it’s called BAS-KET-BALL BASKETBALL.
Magic
: That’s what I said, BASSETBALL. BASSETBALL, BASSETBALL
Magic’s Mother
: Well, baby, I hope you can play it ‘cause you sure can’t say it.
Magic went through college. He was in the NBA. Someone had to sit him down and try to make him say it correctly. I’m sure when he was with the LA Lakers Coach Pat Riley must have pulled him aside.
Riley
: Magic, if you’re gonna represent the game you have to say it the right way. It’s called BASKETBALL. BAS-KET-BALL Now you try.
Magic
: BASSETBALL BAS-SET-BALL Danks, Toach!
Riley
: Ah, yeah, well, I’m glad you can play it ‘cause you sure can’t say it. That’s enough practice for today. Tomorrow we’ll work on saying “coach.”
I was actually sad to see his show get canceled because it gave me a lot of laughs, most of them for the wrong reasons. But I’ll take comedy any way I can get it. I wanted to be on his show so that I could sit down and be the one to figure out what he was saying when he went to commercial. It always sounded like, “Y’all dick around and mill be might back after a bird from our bonsor.”
I’d sit there thinking, “Did he just say ‘might back’ or did Buckwheat just grow up and get a talk show?”
I saw one show where he had Howard Stern on as his only guest. Howard Stern prides himself on being a jerk. Then, he talks about how flat his ass is, how big his nose is, and how tiny his dick is. So, he
doesn’t leave you room for retaliation. He was very disrespectful to Magic. He asked Magic if he had fun contracting HIV, and Magic just being a nice man sat there and tried to smile it off. If that was me, I would’ve spit in his mouth right in the middle of that question and I wouldn’t have stopped there. I would’ve leaned over and bit him and drew blood and then asked him, “Now, did you have bun catching HIB? Y’all dick around we’ll be might back after a word from our bonsor.”
After that show, Magic should have fired everybody that worked with him. He was ill advised. I knew Magic’s show was in trouble from the start. His first show Magic picked Arnold Schwarzenegger as the lead guest—another man who can’t talk! I didn’t understand either one of them during the interview.
Magic
: Oh, Arnold, you beally great man. I doryo lass moobie. It was babulous. The way they blow you up, man, that was fantastic. I fell like I was watching Michael Chordan duckin’ fro the free trow line.
Arnold
: Oh yeah, Magic. OH AHH EHH OH OOH SEE.
Magic
: Juss hole on, Ahnol. We want you to binish your dory. But we wanna pay a bill right naw. Y’all dick around we’ll be might back with Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, and Mike Tyson after a bird from our bonsor.
B
efore he had his own talk show and even after his first return to the NBA, there were always rumors that Magic Johnson was going to come out of retirement and play for the Lakers again. Now, I didn’t know much about HTV, but it sure seems to make you real indecisive. Magic just could not make up his mind. He didn’t know what to do with himself. Still, when he returned, I was glad to see the players embrace him. I thought there would have been a lot of controversy. I mean, there he is, coming down the court, all sweaty. You just can’t play the same defense that you used to play on him.
Player
: Whoops, couldn’t block that one. Magic just went by me, man. Hey, coach, that’s Magic! I can’t check Magic.
I wouldn’t be surprised if someone put on one of those outbreak costumes while defending him.
Player
: You know what you got. Let’s play the game!
The only player in the NBA that showed him no mercy was Dennis Rodman. He just did not care. Hell, he played him like he was HIV-positive, too. He was not afraid of the contact. He just kept throwing Magic
to the ground, saying, “Look, I fucked Madonna.” He didn’t know what he had.
I make jokes about Magic, but the truth is I have nothing but respect for this brother, and I mean that from the heart. I cried when Magic Johnson made the announcement that he is HIV-positive. I just wasn’t ready for it. Why couldn’t it be Little Richard that made this announcement? I would have seen that one coming. At his press conference he would’ve said, “Guess what? I’m HIV-positive! HEE HEE HEE! Shut up! I started AIDS. It wasn’t no green monkey. The monkey stole it from me. I had it first. I was HIV-positive when Rock Hudson was just a pebble. Shut up! I gave everybody some of this tutti-frutti, good booty.”
But, no, it was Magic. Just the fact that he came forward and announced that he was HIV positive makes him a better man than me. He risked his family, his career, and his lifestyle to tell a whole bunch of paranoid people about having the virus. There are not a lot of men that would do this. Myself included. No, you would not have got that kind of honesty from me. I would have been the skinniest brother in the NBA. Manute Bol would have been saying, “Look at how skinny this motherfucker here is. He’s trying to take all of the flies!”
I would have lied my ass off at interviews.
Interviewer
: Damon, rumor has it that you are sick.
Me
: Man, that’s bullshit. Yeah, I might have dropped a few pounds. But, you know, I’m working on my inside game. Why a brother gotta be sick?
I know what Magic was trying to do. He went public to reach out to all of those women he slept with. Of course, I would have felt that I had the same obligation because that’s some foul shit to pass on to somebody. But the way I look at it, you can’t take it back. So why go public? I would have made a bunch of anonymous calls or something. Get that ten-cents-a-minute calling plan. I would have been dialing my ass off.
Ring, ring, ring.
“Hello. Hi, I’m sick, you’re sick, too.”
Click.
Ring, ring, ring.
“Hello. Hey, if you’re losing weight it’s not Jenny Craig.”
Click.
Ring, ring, ring.
“Hello. Hey, you feel indecisive? You don’t know? You got it.”
Click.
It’s strange to hear guys in denial about how Magic got it. I’ve heard guys saying, “Man, he was kissing on Isiah Thomas that’s how he got that shit.”
Isiah isn’t gay. And neither is Magic. The man is too tall to be gay. The brother is six-foot-nine! You’d have to climb a ladder to get into his ass.
Potential Gay Lover
: Okay, Magic, we’re going to try something different now. You just stand there and let me get this ladder set up. I never done it like this before. Okay, here I come … Shit, I still don’t reach! Listen, I’ll be back. I’m going to get my stilts.