Big Girls Do Cry (37 page)

He turned his head sideways, and Jessica said, “Oh, he’s rooting. That means he smells your milk and he’s trying to find it.”

I lifted my breast toward his tiny mouth, and he latched on right away. I winced a little from the pain, and Jessica showed me how to help him latch on correctly. Once I got the hang of it, it didn’t hurt at all. In fact, it was the most beautiful feeling in the world, knowing that I was the only person who could provide this milk, this perfect food that God had created just for Little Rashad. I had never felt such a warm bond, such unconditional love for another human being. I knew at that moment that I would throw myself in front of a truck to save this boy if I had to.

“He’s a good feeder,” Jessica commented. “Is this your first baby?”

“Yes.”

“Well, you’re nursing him like an old pro. So many new mothers have a hard time expressing the milk.”

“Thanks,” I answered as I put the baby on my shoulder to burp him. “It just feels like this was meant to be, you know what
I mean? Like God had always planned for me and him to be together in this life. Was it like that with your babies?”

“Mmm-hmm. There’s nothing in this world that compares to that mother/child bond,” she said with a smile as she leaned down to admire my gorgeous son.

“Oh my goodness!”

I looked up at her. “What? Is something wrong?”

“No, no, it’s just the first time I’ve seen him open his eyes. He has the most unusual green eyes I’ve ever seen.”

“What did you say?” I took him off my shoulder and looked down into my baby’s eyes. They were a beautiful shade of green. To Jessica, they were unusual, but to me, they were very familiar.

“Yep, he sure does have green eyes. Just like his daddy—my fiancé, Tony.” A smile a mile wide took over my face as I looked up at Jessica. As soon as she left the room, I had to make a very important phone call to New York.

I’d just returned from the most spectacular trip to Jamaica. Big Poppa and I stayed at a private villa in the hills of Montego Bay, where we had a private chef and a driver who took us sightseeing all over the island. We had such a good time that by the end of the week, I was seriously considering buying a place there and renting it out until I was ready for retirement.

Then again, the whole trip wouldn’t have been half as good if I hadn’t been there with Big Poppa. I missed him already, and it had been only six hours since his flight left. We’d taken separate flights to and from Jamaica, for discretionary reasons. Big Poppa was paranoid enough as it was, but with that crazy-ass Peter lurking around every corner, neither one of us wanted to take a chance.

I hadn’t been home more than a few minutes when my phone started ringing. I was hoping it was Loraine so I could tell her about my trip. No matter how well her weekend with Michael went, she was still going to be jealous when I told her the glorious details of my week. I glanced over at the caller ID and was happy to see her number.

I didn’t even give her a chance to say hello before I started bragging. “What’s up, girl? I’m back and I’m black, literally! You should see how dark I got.”

“You need to come over here right now. We need to talk.”

Talk about killing my mood. The tone of her voice was so cold, she might as well have thrown a bucket of ice water on me. I guess she wasn’t interested in hearing the details of my vacation.

“All right, what’s up?”

“We’ll talk about it when you get here,” she snapped.

Damn, what had her panties all in a bunch? It had to be something dealing with work, because Loraine never talked to me this way unless I messed up on the job. The only thing I didn’t understand was why she couldn’t wait until we were at the office to talk about it. With the mood she was in, though, I wasn’t about to question it.

“I’ll be right over.”

“Good.” She hung up.

No, she didn’t just hang up on me without so much as a goodbye! Damn, I really must have fucked up something at work. Part of me was afraid to go over there, and the other part was afraid not to. There were a lot of things Loraine would put up with, but fucking up at work wasn’t one of them. The girl was like a pit bull in a skirt when it came to the business. This was really killing my postvacation high.

Five minutes later, I was in my car headed to Loraine’s house. I’d just gotten on Parham Road when I spotted Peter in my rearview mirror. I pounded the steering wheel in disgust. With Loraine in a tizzy, the last thing I needed was to have this fool following me to her house. Hopefully he didn’t know the area like I did, and I’d be able to ditch him, but I wasn’t so sure that would work. I’d been taking cabs and car services to go out and meet my sponsors lately, because I had a strong suspicion that he’d put some type of GPS tracking unit on my car. If that was true, I had no hope of losing him now.

To test my theory, I made a quick U-turn, then ran a red light, taking back streets toward Loraine’s house. Surprisingly, he was no longer behind me. After a few more turns, I was pretty convinced that I’d lost him, and I finally relaxed. Well, I relaxed as well as I could, considering I was driving to see my best friend, who was pissed off for some unknown reason.

I was startled by the sound of my cell phone. It was Peter. I checked my rearview mirror again, and he was still nowhere in sight.

“What is it gonna take for you to leave me alone?” I screamed into my phone.

“I tink you gots some ‘splaining to do!” he said in a weird Ricky Ricardo imitation, then started laughing with that crazy hyena laugh of his. This guy was nuts. He was really fucking nuts.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“You’ll find out. You’re headed to Loraine’s, aren’t you?” How the fuck did he know that? Dammit, did he have my phones tapped too?

“That’s okay. You don’t have to answer me, Jerome. I already know that’s where you’re going. Maybe I’ll meet you there. Me and Loraine have become such good friends since you’ve been gone.”

“If you’ve done anything to her, I’ll kill you. Do you hear me? I’ll kill you with my bare hands.”

“Jerome, Jerome, don’t you know making a threat against someone like that is against the law? You could get locked up for that. But since emotions are high and I’m sure you didn’t mean it, I’m gonna let you slide.” He laughed. “Oh, and you better hurry. Loraine’s waiting. Like I said before, I tink you got some ‘splaining to do!”

He disconnected the call, and I held the receiver in my hand, staring at it like it might somehow help me decipher Peter’s strange words. What did he mean, I had some explaining to do? And what did that have to do with Loraine?

The possibilities were frightening. I had a few secrets I’d never revealed to Loraine. I had no way of knowing what, if anything, Peter had told her, but there was plenty that he could have said, and none of it would be good for our friendship. I was tempted to turn my car around and go home.

My phone rang again, and this time it was Loraine’s number on the caller ID. Whatever was on her mind, she wasn’t going to let it drop until we talked about it. I had no choice but to go see her. I let the phone ring. Might as well face her in person.

I pulled into her driveway, then took the longest walk of my life to her front door. I rang the bell, and before I even had my hand away from the buzzer, she snatched the door open, stepped outside, and slapped me so hard I stumbled backward.

“What was that all about?” I held my stinging cheek. Goddamn
could she hit hard. Now I knew why Leon hit her ass back. She was throwing blows like a man.

“You son of a bitch! I hate you. I hate your fucking ass.”

“What are you talking about, Loraine? What did I do?” I hoped it wasn’t what I thought it was.

“You know what I’m talking about.”

She threw some pictures in my face, and they fluttered to the ground. It was déjà vu. Just like that night with Ron, I was getting my ass beat over some pictures Peter took.

I bent down to pick up the photos to see what she was yelling about, but there was no need, as Loraine blurted out, “I talked to Tina and she told me everything.”

“Shhhh-it.” I didn’t know what else to say. What could I say, with a picture of me handing Tina money staring me in the face? That son of a bitch Peter had done it again.

“I thought you were my friend. How could you do this, Jerome?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry! Is that all you can say? Aren’t you going to deny it? Tell me it’s not true. Beg me to call this woman up so you can confront her and prove your innocence? Why don’t you just fucking lie?” Loraine had tears in her eyes—first time I’d ever seen her cry—but the sadness in her eyes did not belie her anger.

“Loraine—” Before I could say another word, she was screaming again.

“You fucking asshole! It was all you, wasn’t it? The panties, the thong, that woman coming to my door—it was all you trying to ruin my marriage.” Her eyes flashed with an icy fire through her tears.

“I wasn’t trying to ruin your marriage, Loraine. I was trying to save you.”

She was silent for a long while, with her arms crossed over her chest, giving me the coldest glare. I stood waiting for her to talk, praying she would understand that I had her best interests at heart when I did those things. I didn’t want to lose my best friend.

Finally, she spoke up. “I don’t know if Leon will ever forgive me—all because of your lies. I had the nerve to be confiding in
you. Gay man, straight man, it doesn’t matter. As long as you have a dick, you’re all conniving liars.”

“But, Loraine—”

She interrupted me. “Just tell me why. Why did you do this to me, and you’re supposed to be my best friend in the world? Why would you do that?”

“I did it because I love you, girl. You know I’d never do anything to hurt you. “

“Well, you did hurt me. In fact, you broke my heart. What kind of monster are you?”

“Look, I did it to help you. He’s not good for you.”

“Who the fuck are you to say my husband is not good for me? Have I ever tried to tell you how to conduct your life with all your tawdry affairs?”

“No, but—”

“I could be sitting in jail right now behind what you did. I almost shot Leon, and I damn near scalded him to death. And now I’ve filed for divorce from a man who didn’t even do the shit I accused him of.” She shook her head and gave me a disgusted look. “You really set me up good.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause trouble.”

“Trouble. Hah! This ain’t trouble. This is goddamn hell you caused in here now. I dropped out of my sorority race because of this crap. And what about Michael? What am I supposed to tell Michael?”

“Don’t worry about Michael. I’ll talk to him. I’ll explain everything. He’s a good guy. He’ll understand.”

“He’ll understand!” she repeated. “I don’t want him to understand. I want him to be able to be with me. Goddammit, Jerome, I’m in love with Micheal!”

“Loraine, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make things between us better,” I pleaded. “Just understand, I had your best interests at heart.” I tried to take Loraine’s hands into my own, but she knocked my hands away.

“You know what, Jerome? I’m done! You haven’t just ruined my life or even Leon’s—you’ve ruined Michael’s too. I don’t know what you were thinking, but I’m done!”

I didn’t like the way that sounded. Nobody other than Leon
had ever survived Loraine’s “I’m done,” and even he had been kicked out eventually. I felt like a criminal awaiting his sentence from the jury. “So, where do we go from here?”

She went into her pocket and pulled out a check. “Severance, one year’s salary. I don’t want you back in my office. I’ll have Hannah send over your personal belongings.”

“Raine, no, please. We don’t have to do this. I can fix this. Just give me a chance.” I gave her an imploring gaze, but this new Loraine was not my friend. She had already cut me off in her mind, and now she was doing it physically.

“Are you kidding? I can’t stand the sight of you right now.”

“But I love you.”

“You know Leon meant the world to me. If you really loved me and cared about my best interests, you would have never done something this low-down and underhanded. I thought I knew you, but now I don’t think I ever really did. I knew you would stab your own grandmother to get somebody’s husband, but to try to break up your best friend’s marriage?” Loraine heaved a deep sigh. “Well, it is just too incomprehensible. As long as I live, I’ll never understand it. Now get the hell out of my house!”

I walked out of the shower to find Rashad fully dressed, gazing out the bedroom window that overlooked the backyard. I’m sure he was trying to remain patient, but the baby’s car seat on the floor next to him gave away his eagerness to get down to the hospital and retrieve our son. Rashad had been a ball of nervous energy ever since we’d come home from the hospital last night. He was so wound up he’d barely slept most of the night. I know this because he’d woken me up three times to have sex. I obliged the first two times, hoping it would help him to sleep, but I had to draw the line the third time, because I was just too beat from my own lack of sleep. I’d slept only two hours the night Isis went into labor, and after Little Rashad was born, we were at the hospital almost eighteen hours.

“Good morning, handsome,” I said.

“Morning, baby,” he replied, but he never turned from the window.

“How long you been up?”

“I don’t know. A couple hours. I was out back, mapping out the playground I’m gonna have built for the baby.”

I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing my naked flesh against him. “I’m gonna put a swing set right over there, a sandbox there, and build him a clubhouse over there.” He pointed out each of the spots, making me smile.

“Why don’t you make me some coffee while I get dressed, so we can bring him home before we do all that? What do you think?”

“Sounds like a plan.” He turned toward me and we kissed. Life was as perfect as it could be, just knowing I had this great man who loved me, and we had this sweet little boy sitting at the hospital waiting for us.