Big Girls Do Cry (16 page)

“It’s all there,” Rashad said. “You can count it. We wouldn’t short you.”

I tossed the envelope on my night table. I guess it was time to get this show on the road. “I know you wouldn’t, Rashad. It was never really a concern. All I want to know is when do we go to the doctor?”

Once again, Egypt took over the conversation. “I made an appointment for next Monday. Don’t worry, I’ll drive you.” She was so damn pushy. How could he stand her?

I barely acknowledged that I heard her words as I turned to Rashad. “You gonna be there?”

He nodded happily as he got up from my bed. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Neither would I,” I replied. “Neither would I.”

I was mad when the lights came on and the music stopped playing, signifying that the club was officially about to close. I was having such a good time. I just closed my eyes, holding on to Terrance like the music was still playing. Lord, forgive me, but I didn’t want this moment to end. I would have traded my soul to the devil if we could just keep dancing for a few more hours. I couldn’t remember the last time I had this much fun. Not only was the dancing great, but also the attention that Terrance and the other men gave me made me feel alive again. To hell with Leon’s cheating ass and his bullshit put-downs. Tonight confirmed that men still desired me and that sexy wasn’t a dress size; it was an attitude.

“Um, Loraine,” Terrance whispered in my ear, “I think we’re the only ones left on the dance floor.”

I took one last sniff of his coconut-oil cologne, then reluctantly lifted my head off his shoulder, my arms still wrapped around his upper back. I glanced over at the bar. He was right. It was completely empty, along with the dance floor. I couldn’t even remember hearing them announce the last call. Damn shame too. I could have used another drink. I was already a little buzzed, but one more watermelon martini and I would have been feeling just right.

“I think it’s time to go.”

I rested my head back on his shoulder. “Do we have to leave?”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean the night has to end. I know this place where we can dance until the sun comes up.” He gave me a squeeze, then let me go, taking hold of my hand.

I hesitated for a moment, but he tugged at my hand gently and told me, “Trust me.”

A few minutes later, I followed his car off the military base and onto I-295 toward Emporia. After a fifteen-minute ride, we got off the interstate and traveled down a long, winding road. Ten miles later, we pulled over near the side of what looked like an old barn, and he got out of his car. There were cars parked all around, and I could hear people laughing and music playing inside, so I opened my car door to get out. I’d barely gotten my foot out the door when Terrance came running over, shaking his head.

“No, no, I just stopped here to get a bottle. The place we’re going is BYOB, but it’s much better than this.”

“Are you sure? We’re kind of far out in the country, aren’t we?” I asked.

“Trust me.” He flashed me the sweetest smile, and that was all I needed to put my mind at ease.

“Okay, but don’t leave me out here alone too long.” I got back in my car to wait.

He disappeared into the front door of the shack and then quickly returned with a bag. He opened my passenger side door, sliding into the seat next to me.

“Go ‘head down this road.” He pointed and I just drove. I didn’t even ask about why he was leaving his car.

Up until this point, I’d been on autopilot. I never asked where we were going. I just assumed it was some after-hours place out here in the country. But at about the same time my martini buzz started subsiding, my sensible side woke up. Why the hell was I going to some juke joint way out in the country with a man I barely knew? For a moment, I was nervous, wondering if I was driving myself into some sort of trap. If I needed to be rescued, would my cell phone even get reception way the hell out here? I looked over at Terrance to see if his face would reveal any sinister thoughts in his head, but all I saw was a man who couldn’t take his eyes off me.

“I’m so glad I met you tonight,” he told me.

And just like that, I relaxed. This man was just looking to have a good time with me, and he was sure showing me a good
time—something my husband hadn’t done in a long time. So that’s why I was here, traveling down a dark country road with someone I’d just met, behaving in a way I never dreamed I would. I wanted to pay Leon back for everything he’d done to me. Oh, I still loved my husband; I couldn’t help it. But those panties were like a dark shroud hanging over me, and the only way to cleanse myself of it was to get even. I wanted him to feel the same way I did.

Terrance told me to turn down a dirt road that didn’t look like it was traveled by many people. I couldn’t imagine any kind of party spot being down here, and my heart rate picked up a bit. Maybe he sensed my nervousness, because he slipped one of my CDs into the player, and Alicia Keys’s soothing voice came on. It helped a little, but still, that road was getting kind of spooky. It reminded me of something out of a
Friday the Thirteenth
movie.

“Hey, turn off your lights,” he said.

I looked at him like he was crazy. It was pitch-black outside—I mean, damn, even the moon was hiding—and he wanted me to turn the lights out while I was driving. He seemed nice enough, but now I was really starting to worry that I’d allowed myself to leave the club with some nutcase. I casually reached down with my left hand and took my mace from its hiding spot on the driver’s side door.

“Why in the world would I turn off my lights?” I asked.

“Because I asked you to. And you trust me.”

I stopped the car.

“You’re taking this trust thing a little far, aren’t you? And where the hell are we going? I haven’t seen a car or house since we turned down this road.”

“We’re almost there. Come on. All you got to do is drive with your lights out for about fifteen seconds and we’ll be there. Come on, trust me.”

I was going against my better judgment and everything I’d ever been taught when I turned out my lights and started to drive down that road in the pitch black. I was still holding on to my mace tight, though. One false move on his part and I was going to set his eyes on fire.

“One, two, three, four, five …”

Terrance turned up the music as I counted.

“… thirteen, fourteen, fifteen.”

“Stop the car!” he yelled.

I jammed my foot on the brake, switched the lights on, and then dropped my mace back into its hiding place.

“Oh my God.” In front of us was the most beautiful man-made waterfall I’d ever seen. I stepped out of my car, standing there in awe, until I felt his arms come around my waist from behind.

“Pretty, huh?”

“Gorgeous.” We stood there for a few minutes and just took in its beauty. “What is it—a dam?”

“Yep, there’s a larger one a couple miles up the road. Most people don’t know about this one, mostly just fishermen.”

“How’d you find this place anyway? You’re a fisherman?”

“I’d like to think so. A friend of mine took me fishing down here about three years ago. I caught a ten-pound bass down by those rocks.”

“Nobody has ever taken me somewhere like this.”

“Tonight might be a first for a lot of things.”

He reached into the car and changed the music. Bobby Womack’s song “If You Think You’re Lonely Now” was playing.

“Can I have this dance?” He put out his hand. I took it, and we began to slow dance, my head on his shoulders, my arms around his neck, his hands on my ass, our bodies so close an ant couldn’t walk between us. We picked up right where we left off.

I guess we were dancing that way for a half hour before he whispered, “I think you’re beautiful.” I lifted my head off his shoulder and turned it so that we were face-to-face. I knew what was coming next but made no attempt to stop him.

He kissed me and I kissed him back. Leon had never been much of a kisser, other than the occasional peck he’d give me before he left for work. Even when we were intimate, we never really kissed. I was pleasantly surprised when Terrance slid his tongue in my mouth. I offered no resistance.

“I want you,” he whispered when we broke the kiss.

As much as I wanted him too, I still wasn’t sure if I could go
all the way. I’d always prided myself on being faithful, and I looked down on women who tipped around on their husbands—double dipping, as Jerome called it. I thought it was disgusting, but now, with Terrance nibbling on my ears, I just didn’t know anymore. Maybe those women had a reason for stepping out. I mean, after what Leon had done, who could blame me for getting even?

Still, it wasn’t a simple decision for me to make. I had the proverbial angel and devil on my shoulders, as I battled with my conscience.

Okay, you’ve gone far enough. The kissing was one thing, but if you take this any further, there will be consequences to pay. Don’t cross that line. Do the right thing. Get back in your car and take your butt home.

Then Terrance would hit the right spot on my neck, and I’d think, Girl, forget that good-girl shit. What’s it ever got you? It got your ass beat, a black eye, and a cheating-ass husband. Go on and get yours. Leon’s cheating on you, isn’t he? Where do you think those panties came from? Then he had the nerve to hit you, and he’s the one cheating on you? Naw, go on and handle your business.

Could I do it? I wondered as conflicting thoughts waged war in my head. One thing was for sure: If I did do it, I’d have to keep it to myself. I couldn’t let this sort of thing get out, not even to Jerome, particularly now that I was being considered for a national position as president of my sorority. He was my best friend, and I wasn’t in the habit of keeping secrets from him, but I didn’t think it would be hard to keep my mouth shut about this one. I’d already had practice when I made the decision not to tell him about the panties and the last beating. I loved my friend, but if I did this, I was taking this secret to my grave.

“I want you,” he whispered again.

“I want you too,” I whispered back. “Did you bring any condoms?”

“Now, just try to relax. You’re going to feel a small amount of pressure as I enter your vagina. Possibly a little discomfort when I enter your cervix and uterus, but it won’t last for long,” Dr. Collins told Isis.

She was on her back, naked from the waist down, with both legs in the stirrups covered only by a paper sheet. She glanced at me. I wasn’t sure if she was scared, but I reached out and held her hand. Anytime I’d ever heard a doctor talk about discomfort, it usually meant pain, so I was trying to comfort her the best I could.

“You okay?” I asked.

She nodded and then grimaced when Dr. Collins ducked under the sheet to insert this long tube thing up inside her vagina. She squeezed my hand tightly. I leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. Yes, she was in pain, but she had no idea how much I envied her. I would have taken a hell of a lot more pain than that to have Rashad’s baby.

“Ow!” Isis shouted. She was squeezing my hand in a vise grip. “Oh my God, Egypt! This man is trying to rip my shit apart.”

“Dr. Collins, you’re hurting her. Can you be a little gentler?”

He ignored me and pushed that thing in farther.

Isis and I had been pretty tight before I started dating Rashad, but I’d never felt as close as I did now with my sister. She’d been poked, prodded, and tested for almost a month without a complaint. I had to give it to her; she was showing herself to be a real trooper, a true sister, and a good friend in every sense of the
word. It was almost as if she wanted this baby as much as Rashad and I did. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to repay her. Up until recently, I thought she might still have a problem with me being with Rashad. Now I couldn’t believe I’d ever doubted her sincerity.

Many people would have said it was my own fault if my sister did hate me. I was the one who had broken what some would call the cardinal rule of dating: Thou shall not date, fool around with, or marry your girlfriend’s or sister’s ex. Plenty of women would say I should never have messed with Rashad. On the other hand, those who saw it my way would say that Rashad was fair game once Isis became engaged to Tony. I didn’t know which one was right, but I wouldn’t second guess myself, because there was no doubt in my mind that Rashad was my soul mate.

I honestly didn’t know if I could have been as forgiving as my sister. Oh, she was mad in the beginning, but she could have tried to make my life a living hell, and she never did. That’s a big part of why I always kept my eye on her. She’d given me a pass, so I was obligated to stand by her side during her times of trouble.

I was truly blessed to have the relationship I had with my sister. We’d gotten past any differences, and now she was making the ultimate sacrifice for me. I mean, to give up nine months of her life to conceive a precious little baby, then give it up to Rashad and me so that we could be parents … It was truly a humbling experience.

On the bright side, the way things were going, I really felt like I was participating in the whole process. And believe me, the process was not simple, for my sister or for Rashad. For the past two days, he and I had been coming to the doctor’s office so that he could masturbate and give them a sperm sample. When he finished, they washed his sperm through a special process, and only the strongest swimmers were used for the insemination process.

Rashad had been taking the whole thing very seriously. He was so concerned about his sperm count that we hadn’t had sex in more than a week. Now, that might have been good for the process, but it sure as hell wasn’t doing me any good. I was used to getting some at least two or three times a week. A sister was about due, if you know what I mean.

I knew I would be all right, though. Now that Isis was being inseminated, Rashad promised me tonight would be our night to celebrate. As I stood there and let my sister squeeze the hell out of my hand, I distracted myself from the pain by daydreaming about the great sex I had to look forward to.