Between Black and Sunshine (26 page)

“I wondered who this girl was that got into Luca’s heart.
Golly, she must be quite the woman,
I thought
. She must be beautiful and charming, sweet and sexy. She must be perfect.
But Blanca wasn’t any of those things, was she? She was sad and ugly, quiet and desperate. I have to admit, I felt guilty for a minute, like I was some predator and you were my prey, I mean you really were pathetic. But I was wrong wasn’t I? You knew exactly what you were doing. You walked into my life with a purpose. With the intent to completely destroy the one woman who Luca had kept in his life. The one woman, besides you, that he thought he could maybe love. You couldn’t handle it. Having him wasn’t enough, was it? You had to screw with my head and break me in order to be satisfied. And I’ll admit, I fell for your stupid act. I let myself care about you, I let myself want you. You let me see the soft, pretty, sweet side of you and I fell. Hard.

“But I wonder, what was your plan? If Luca and I wouldn’t have figured out what you were doing, how far would it have gone? What lengths would you have gone to to see me hurt? Where did you see this all ending, sweet Jude?”

I stare at her blankly. This is much more horrifying than I imagined. Best case scenario- I thought, maybe she’ll laugh it off, feel sorry for me, feel sorry for Luca for being stuck with me, that she would think about it for a minute before moving on with her life. Worst case scenario? This- this right here is the worst case scenario. I can’t think of one word I could utter to this woman that could make her hate me less.

“Jesus, you dragged me here, say something.”

And then I see it in her eyes; the desperation, the need to understand, the desire to make sense of what I did, how I could do this to her. I see it, that she truly loved me. That she truly cared about me. She needs me to explain.

“You’re right. I was sad and ugly and pathetic. And I was quiet because I never imagined you would speak to me. When you did I couldn’t think of a thing to say back to you. I couldn’t believe you would stoop so low… to talk to me.

“I was at your store the first night you opened. You don’t remember me, and why would you? The room was filled with people who had come to see you. People that were there for you. I was just some college girl, tagging along with my friend’s older brother; her brother that had been in love with you at one point, same as all of the men that walk into your life, I’m sure.”

“Don’t patronize me,” she says, but her voice isn’t as angry anymore.

“I watched you walk across the room. You were wearing a black dress and fishnet stockings. Your hair was hanging over your shoulders in perfect pin curls and your lips were bright red. I remember exactly how I felt when I saw you. I felt star struck. And not just because of how beautiful you are but because of your presence; how important you seemed, how every eye in the room was trained on you.

“You spoke to us. You told me and my friend that we should look around, that we might find something we liked and then you said you had to go because it looked like
your guy
was getting ready to bolt. I thought,
it must be one hell of a guy to nab her
. And it was. It was Luca. Luca, with his arms wrapped around you, his eyes staring intently at you, his mouth getting ready to kiss you.

“I gave up right then and there. I didn’t even think about trying to compete with you for Luca, what would be the point? Why would he ever want me when he could have someone like you?” She rolls her eyes at me, but doesn’t interrupt me. “I never even considered that I had misunderstood. I never even considered that I had a chance with him, not after meeting you. So I gave up. I disappeared into that studio and tried to forget him, tried to forget everything, tried to die.

“I wasn’t pretending, I wasn’t acting, when I came to see you. I really was ugly, pathetic and sad. I just wanted to see you- this woman who Luca was in love with. I never had an agenda. I never imagined that I would get to be part of your life. That was never my plan.

“But you know this, Clara, because you were there with me. You knew that I wasn’t right, that there was something severely wrong with me. You had to have realized that I was mentally unstable when I walked into your life. Your instinct to help me was right- I needed help. If you wouldn’t have helped me I think I probably would have found a way to just let go of everything… of life.” As I say the words, I know they are true. What would have happened to me if I didn’t have Clara, if she wouldn’t have talked to me, if she wouldn’t have told me the truth about her and Luca? I look at Clara whose face has relaxed a little, so I carry on.

“I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to take advantage of you. I just wanted to see you. I don’t know why I made up that stupid name or didn’t tell you who I was. I guess I knew you wouldn’t want your boyfriend’s crazy stalker anywhere near you. I loved you for helping me and being there for me and pulling me off the ledge. I felt safe in your arms. I felt happiness again, in your apartment, with you. I knew I would have to tell you the truth, I just wasn’t ready to let you go. I just needed to be there, with you.”

Clara’s eyes have softened but they are still angry, more hurt now maybe. I don’t want her to enter the hurt stage. I don’t want to see her go through that, but I know I can’t stop it. I know I can’t take it away. “I know you hate me. I know you will never forgive me. But I care about you, Clara. If you ever feel like maybe you would like to get to know me, Jude, I will always be here.”

Tears start to trickle out of my eyes. I know Clara probably thinks it’s part of my act, but it’s not. I’m sad, because I realize that I do love Clara. I love her for saving me, and for saving Luca. Because we took part of her away from herself in order to survive.

“I can’t do that right now. I can’t be around you right now, but it helps to understand….that you weren’t trying to hurt me. That you did care about me. Maybe someday, Jude, but not today.” Clara picks her purse up off the table and walks out of the restaurant.

I tried to act calm as Jude left our bed to go meet Clara, but I’m not. I don’t like it at all. I haven’t been away from Jude, my body hasn’t been separated from hers for more than a couple of minutes, for five days and I don’t like it. I need her with me.

I’ve made my way out to the street under the pretense of making sure my truck was locked. Once outside, I started pacing. With each turn my path inched closer to Daddy O’s where Jude is with Clara. I shouldn’t let her go places without me, it never turns out good, but she asked me to trust her, and I do trust her; that’s not the problem. The problem is that I don’t trust Clara, not at all.

I know her. I know what a crazy bitch she can be. I’ve gone through the process of separating from her and it isn’t pretty.

I should maybe go check, just look through the window… But then I see Jude crossing the street toward me. She looks stressed, like her mind is somewhere else, but then she sees me and her smile lights up her face. I go to her, picking her up and carrying her the rest of the way home. Her arms and legs wrap around me and her head rests on my shoulder, like she needs a shoulder to rest on. I carry her up the stairs and back into our bedroom and to our bed.

She looks around the room. “I thought you’d have this place transformed into a candle-lit, sexy, music-filled love den,” she jokes.

“I figured you wouldn’t want to jump right into the love making… that you’d need a little recovery time.” She gives me a sad smile. I wish Jude just didn’t give a shit. That she would understand that Clara is as much to blame as Jude is, but she doesn’t see it that way. “You want to tell me about it?”

“She’s angry, really angry.” My leg starts bouncing erratically against the bed. “It was just words Luca, calm down. They were words that I deserved to hear. That I needed to hear. I hurt her, Luca, and you did too. To be honest,” she says, taking a hold of my hand, “I’m pretty sure it’s not even me she’s upset about, but you. I don’t think you understand how much she loves you. I don’t think you get that she was still holding onto the hope that you might want to be with her someday. I think you’re the one she really needs to talk to.”

“That’s not happening, Jude. You gotta let it go. Anything remotely close to something between me and Clara was forever ago. She’s over it.”

“She’s not, Luca. I know how bad it hurts to lose you. I know how bad it feels to not be good enough for you. I know how it feels to think that someone else is. That you just weren’t good enough. I know that it’s impossible to stop loving you.”

“Jude, come on. What you and I have is…. I don’t even know how to describe what I have with you, but it’s huge, it’s a lifetime, it’s completely consuming, it’s part of me, the biggest part of me. What Clara and I had was miniscule, it was literally nothing.”

“Not to her, Luca. Couldn’t you tell that she loved you? Didn’t you think it was strange that she never found anyone after you? Would you have abandoned your life, your new business, for a week, just to sit by a friend and watch him waste away?”

“I did do that. You were there with me. We sat in Jonah’s room and watched him die.”

“Would you do that for Clara?”

“Jude, please.”

“Would you?”

“No, I wouldn’t.”

“Would you do that for me?”

“Of course- I would do anything for you.”

She stares at me, begging me with her eyes to see that Clara loved me enough to be devastated by me. “Okay, I get it.”

“You need to talk to her.”

“I will, Jude. Not now though. Unless… it’s not another prerequisite is it?”

“No! God, I can’t live through another minute of waiting out your stubborn ass.”

Thank God.

My phone chimes, alerting me to a text message. I take it out, seeing Clara’s name. Jude sees it too. “What does it say?”

“Tell Jude I’m sorry for the things I said to her. Tell her that someday I’d like to have a civilized lunch with her as two grow, never been fucked over, adults. Tell her thanks for the coffee.” Jude smiles at me. Another text comes. I read it out loud, “I miss you. Let me know how you’re doing when you have a chance, I forgot to ask Jude.”

“I told you, she needs you.”

“Got it,” I say, moving to throw my phone on the bed side table.

Jude puts out a hand to stop me. “You have to text her back.” The look on her face is telling me she’s not going to be happy until I do.

“What do you want me to tell her?” I ask, my thumbs poised to start typing.

“Tell her that you miss her too and that I deserved the things she said, that I’m not mad and I hope she can forgive me. And thanks for meeting me.”

I’m not typing that.
For some reason Jude thinks that this is all her fault, like you and I had nothing to do with it. Like it wasn’t all my fault. She was happy that she got to talk to you. I’ll tell her you’re sorry- you should be. She’s a good girl, and she cares what you think about her. That Blanca though… she sounds like one fucked up bitch! Me??? I’m doing great,

Jude’s watching over my shoulder, which is why I’m being so civilized with my words, but she stops me here. “Don’t say you’re doing great, it will upset her.”

I give Jude a
who gives a shit
look, but back space over the word great.
I’m doing fine. Thanks for helping me when I needed it. How are you? Jude said you seemed really happy and optimistic, not bitter or mean at all.

Jude objects to the last line, but I hit send anyway. And then I turn the phone off and throw it on the floor. “I’m ready,” I tell her, “for the month to start. For forever to start.”

“I love you, Jude,” Luca tells me.

I smile at him. He’s sitting on his bed, facing me. His hands are holding onto mine. His naked torso is lit by the dim lights in his room. The National plays quietly in the background. I smile at Luca, at the serenity that he’s living in. “I love you too,” I tell him.

“I need you to promise me something,” he tells me, his tone serious, his eyes piercing.

“Anything,” I say without hesitation.

“Once we do this, I’m never going to be able to let you go. You have to promise me that nothing will ever come between us again.”

“Nothing will ever come between us again.”

“If you think that I’ve done something to hurt you, you have to talk to me. I will never hurt you.”

“I’ll always talk to you, I’ll never assume anything again,” I tell him with some regret. It’s hard to realize that everything that we went through, everything we put Anton and Clara through, all that time that was wasted, could have easily been prevented if we could have just talked to each other.

I remind myself that good came out of all of that too. Luca met Rose and he got help. We couldn’t have gotten here without going through that.

“Do you realize what I’m saying to you, Jude? You have to be mine. Forever.”

“I wouldn’t know who to be if I wasn’t part of you. I have to be part of you, forever. Without you, there is no me.”

He gives me a crooked smile and shakes his head. “I love it when you say shit like that.”

“I love that I can say shit like that – that it’s true.”

He leans across the bed and I meet him half way. His warm, soft, wet lips tug at mine and a buzzing sensation flows through my body. I’ve waited too long for this, I want it too much. All of his touches are over-stimulating.

His hand reaches through my hair and grips the back of my head as we lose ourselves in each other. Luca pulls back and reaches for the bottom of my tank top, pulling it over my head. His hands wrap themselves around my neck, slowly making their way over my collar bone. He watches the trail his fingers are making. “I’m glad we had to wait,” he whispers. “There is nothing between us anymore.” His eyes find mine, they pull me in like they always do.

I push myself up on my knees and shimmy out of my shorts and panties until I am naked. His eyes run up and down my body, I can feel every inch of my flesh that he lays his eyes on. “You’re pants are still between us,” I tell him.

He promptly stands and steps out of them, and his boxer briefs. “You’re lucky this is your first time, Jude. I wouldn’t be playing so nice if it wasn’t,” he growls.

“Let’s do this then, so you can make love to me again… when I am no longer a virgin.”

He’s on top of me, laying me down, hovering over me. I pull him down to me, dragging my nails across his skin and biting at his neck.

“Be careful, sweet girl,” he tells me. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You’re not capable of hurting me,” I moan, because he has lowered himself on me and I can feel his hardness between my wet thighs.

He raises an eyebrow at me before bringing his mouth to my neck. He licks me and then his teeth sink into my skin. “Ahhh,” I moan. It does hurt. But I like this kind of pain that Luca causes in my body. His teeth release me and he gently licks then kisses my skin before biting me again on the top of my breast. “Please, Luca,” I beg him. I feel the vibration of his open mouth on my flesh when he laughs.

“Be patient, Jude,” he tells me before biting down on my hard nipple.

My fingers clamp down on his shoulders and my nails dig into his flesh. My hips rise, trying to put my burning insides in contact with his flesh. He licks my nipple and his hand grips hard to my hip bone, his fingers cling to my stomach and my back. His mouth moves again, to my stomach and his fingers make their way around my thighs moving until they skim my overly-sensitive flesh. “Jesus, Luca. Please,” I stammer.

His fingers glide inside of me and I feel myself clamping down on him, hard. His hand, pushing against my aching walls feels so good, his fat lips and his hot breath on my pelvic bone feel like fire. When his thumb rubs against my slick skin I don’t know if I can hold on any longer. “Luca, I need you inside of me now.” I can feel the heat in my belly, I know in an instant it will be covering my entire body.

He lowers himself down to me and when his fingers glide out of me I feel his tip slide into me. “Oh, god,” I mutter. He’s inside of me, not far enough, but this is happening. His lips leave my flesh so that he can look at me. His eyes look drunk, his mouth is wet, he’s pushing inside of me at a painfully slow pace. His eyes start to close, his mouth opens and the look on his face is so hot, I can’t handle it.

My heels dig into his back and I force him further inside of me. He doesn’t fight me, he sinks into me and I feel every inch of him as he fills me up. I watch the ecstasy on his face as my insides cover him. I feel the pressure, the pain, when he is buried completely. He feels it too. His face tightens and his eyes lock on mine.

“Are you okay,” he asks me.

“God, Luca, I am so okay.”

He gives me a lazy smile and pushes farther into me. My flesh around him pulses and clings to him. Like it’s been waiting for him, like it’s thirsty for him.

“Jesus, Jude,” he says with a strained rasp. He moves in and out of me and I absorb every move he makes. My hands run the length of his taunt, moist flesh. He feels so perfect. Everything about him, about this, about us… feels so perfect.

My hips move, matching his slow thrusts. The friction of him inside of me, the idea of him inside of me, is making it hard for me to hold on. I wrap my hands around his shoulders and pull his mouth down to mine. I want to be covered by him in every way possible. He wraps me tightly in his arms, his body completely fused to mine as he continues his slow steady push inside of me.

Luca is inside of me and it feels so much more complete that I could have ever imagined and I can’t hold onto this overwhelming desire.  I pull him closer, I thrust my hips harder.

Luca feels that I’m close, he moves faster, deeper, harder. “Ahh,” I breathe into his mouth as his own sound of appreciation is released into me. He changes his motion, runs his hips in wide circles, pushing hard into every inch of my flesh. “Ahhh, god, Luca,” I cry into his mouth as everything inside of me lets go. I release everything I have onto him as I feel the warmth and the wetness of him fill me up.

Luca pulls out of my mouth, dropping heavy breaths onto my lips. “Jesus,” he exhales. “Jesus, Jude. You’re going to kill me. You’re going to bring me to the most beautiful death.”

He collapses on top of me then before rolling to the side, bringing me with him, never leaving my body.

“I could die right now and everything would be perfect,” I agree.

“Naw, sweet girl, we’re just starting to live. This is just the beginning.”

“This is my life, huh?” I ask, laughing with amazement.

“Our life, Jude. This is our life.”