Being a Teen (13 page)

• Keep your fingernails trimmed short and filed smooth.

• Use tampons during the day and use a pad at night.

• Don’t use “superabsorbent” tampons. Use “slender” or “regular” ones unless you have very heavy flow.

• Change your tampons at least every six hours.

• Switch to pads when your flow lightens.

Fertilization and Pregnancy

If a sperm that has traveled up into the uterus fertilizes the mature egg, and the egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, the menstrual cycle stops because you are pregnant.

If you stop menstruating and you have had sexual intercourse, you should take a pregnancy test as soon as possible. Even if you have never had a period, if you have had penile-vaginal intercourse you could get pregnant anyway. An egg may have been released and you don’t know it yet. This is one
reason why you must not engage in unprotected sexual intercourse even if you haven’t yet menstruated.

For more information on protection, see
Chapter 13
.

Perimenopause

All through adulthood, your hormones will continue to regulate your periods until you reach your forties. At this time the levels of your sex hormones will begin to drop and your periods may become irregular. This stage is called
perimenopause.
⁶

Menopause

Roughly about the time you’re in your early fifties, your periods will stop for good. This is because the level of estrogen in older women drops and they no longer make mature eggs. This time in life is called
menopause.
⁷

¹
   menstruation (men-stroo-
a
-tion)

²
   ovulation (ov-yuh-
ley
-shun)

³
   dysmenorrhea (dis-men-uh-
ree
-uh)

⁴
   menorrhagia (men-uh-
rey
-jee-uh)

⁵
   amenorrhea (ey-men-uh-
ree
-uh)

⁶
   perimenopause (peri-
men
-uh-pawz)

⁷
   menopause (
men
-uh-pawz)

III

Sexuality

10.

Sexuality, Abstinence, and Sexual Intercourse

Sexuality

By nature, we are all sexual beings, from the time we are born to the time we die. This is one of the most beautiful parts of being human. During adolescence, you are learning to bring all aspects of yourself into relationship—your values, thoughts, emotions, and, yes, your sexuality. This is part of your identity. Understanding and becoming comfortable with your sexuality is an ongoing, lifelong process, as important as developing your mind and character. As you mature, this is what lets you join with another person to give and receive pleasure as well as to have babies.

Sexuality isn’t just about having sex, as in sexual intercourse.
Sexuality is also about thoughts, fantasies, feelings—thinking sexy thoughts, feeling turned on, when we feel excited to see a person who appeals to us. It’s those sexy feelings that make us want to kiss and hug and dance close.

Sexuality in its totality (kissing, fondling, and so forth), and sexual intercourse specifically, is too important, too potentially beautiful (and too potentially harmful—both physically and emotionally), to enter into without being thoughtful.

There are many joys, but also complications, that can arise when you have sexual intercourse. There are the risks of getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant or getting a sexually transmitted infection (STI) that could affect you for the rest of your life. Then there are the emotional risks of having your heart broken if you’ve given yourself to someone you don’t really know, or trust, or aren’t with for very long. While some high school relationships last a long time—maybe a lifetime—more often they are short-lived.

I am stunned by how many girls, when asked how they came to have their first intercourse, reply, “I don’t know—it just happened”! You don’t want your first time to “just happen,” do you? Don’t you want to be able to look back on it as an important, beautiful experience, not an uncomfortable, empty one? Your first time should be special. Of course, even if the first time is an uncomfortable one, over time and with maturity, your sexual experiences can become wonderful. Don’t just give it away.

Abstinence

The very best, safest, smartest thing you can do is wait. Waiting is also called
abstinence.
To abstain means to wait—to hold off.

There are many very positive aspects to waiting: You won’t have to worry about getting pregnant or getting your partner pregnant; you won’t have to worry about getting an STI, including HIV; you won’t have to worry about making a decision every time you go out with someone; you will feel good about living your values; you’ll have something to look forward to; and you will learn to enjoy all the beautiful aspects of romance that don’t involve sexual intercourse.

Why Waiting Can Make Sex Better

Actually, waiting until you are ready to have sex can make the experience better, and here is why. There should be a freedom from inhibition during sex with a trusted partner. Given that sexual arousal stems from a mind-body connection, you do not want unnecessary worries to interrupt your feelings of sexual pleasure. If you move ahead with sex without thinking things through, you might feel self-conscious about what you are doing. You could experience nagging thoughts about catching a disease, about whether you really like this person enough, about becoming pregnant or getting someone pregnant. It will disrupt your ability to stay aroused or have an orgasm.
¹
If nothing else, it certainly will put a damper on the
satisfaction you could have if you waited to have sex at the right time, in the right type of relationship.

Taking an Abstinence Pledge

If you are a member of a religious congregation, you may have been taught the value of abstinence. Some religious groups ask their young congregants to take an “abstinence pledge” to remain virgins until they are married.

It is important to pay attention to the values you have been brought up with. Beginning at this stage of your life, it is good to give a lot of thought to those values and what they mean—especially what they mean for you. To stick to those values, you need to make them your own, not just go along because some adult told you to.

Knowledge Is Power

Even if you have never had sex, even if you have taken an abstinence pledge, it is important to be fully informed about how to prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. These are just normal parts of life that you need to know about, and now is the time to learn, if you haven’t already. There is a wise saying, “Knowledge is power.” The more you understand about something, the more power you have to handle it when the time comes.

Becoming Turned On

What exactly is going on when you become turned on? Enjoying any type of sexual experience, from kissing to having
intercourse, involves changes in your level of physical arousal. The first stage is really mental. They say the brain is the largest sex organ. It relates to your overall mood, your level of attraction to a person, and your feelings about starting sexual activity with that person.

If you are really turned on, your brain sends messages to your organs. Your blood pressure changes, your heartbeat may go up, and there is increased blood flow to your genitals. Even your skin feels more sensitive. Boys achieve erections and girls experience vaginal lubrication and expansion of the vaginal canal. (See
Chapters 4
and
5
for explanations of your body’s reproductive parts.) Girls will also find that their clitoris becomes larger and their nipples may become erect. People usually maintain this state of pleasurable arousal for some time until either they reach a
climax
(an orgasm) or they discontinue their sexual activity. As I said before, if you do not feel aroused, stop what you are doing. The time or the person is not right for you.

Fantasizing

Some people like to think sexy thoughts about someone who attracts them or about doing sexy things while they make love or masturbate. This is called
fantasizing.
There is nothing wrong with fantasizing. It is a good way to learn what turns you on.

Masturbation

Masturbation is a natural and safe way to express sexuality throughout our lives. Many people discover masturbation when they are young (even babies). Don’t for one minute think that you are weird or the only person to do it. And, boys, you should know that girls masturbate, too, and so do grandmothers and grandfathers. People, after all, remain sexual well into old age.

Masturbation and Boys

If you are a boy, masturbating means stroking or rubbing your penis, “bed or pillow humping,” or even just fantasizing to the point where you experience sexual pleasure. When masturbation lasts long enough and if you are old enough to be making sperm, it can result in ejaculation (usually beginning between ages eleven and sixteen). In fact, most boys first experience ejaculation while masturbating. It is a safe way to privately and safely release the buildup of sexual tension and to learn about what pleases you, what your body enjoys. And don’t worry—you won’t run out of sperm by masturbating, it won’t affect your athletic performance, and it is not something you will have to stop when you are older and begin to have sex with someone. Similarly, it is not dangerous to become aroused, have an erection, and not ejaculate. The penis will simply relax into its softened state.

Masturbation and Girls

Girls masturbate for the same reason boys do. It is a safe and pleasurable way to release sexual tension. Girls masturbate by
rubbing their clitoris and the area around and just inside their vaginas. They can do this with their hands or with a vibrator (a handheld device that vibrates) or by rubbing up against something that is hard. They do not ejaculate sperm like men do but they do have orgasms and a few women release fluid when they orgasm. This fluid is different from urine.

Not Everyone Masturbates

However, not all people masturbate and your family may not approve, so you need to be sensitive to their feelings. But you (and they) need to know that there is absolutely no medical evidence that masturbation can cause mental or physical damage!

When Is It Too Much?

Masturbation is just like anything else. If it’s all you can think about, or if you can’t stop doing it over and over many times a day, or if you do it so often that it interferes with school, chores, sports, family, or friends, then it’s just as much a problem as anything else you might overdo. If this happens, or if masturbation makes you feel bad about yourself or guilty, then maybe you should stop and take time to think about why you have these feelings. Are they really yours, or are they feelings that others have imposed on you? Perhaps you should discuss your feelings with a parent, school counselor, clergyperson, or doctor.

Outercourse and Hooking Up

Some young people feel that “hooking up” or “messing around” is a casual thing to do. Kissing or touching someone’s body without having intercourse can be called
outercourse.
I like this word better than the one your parents probably use,
foreplay,
because foreplay implies it is leading up to something more, such as
inter
course.

Outer
course implies doing things that are pleasurable in and of themselves without penetration of any kind. Naturally, deciding if or when to move ahead further with outercourse, from kissing to French kissing (using your tongue) or from kissing to petting (stroking breasts), for example, is different from having sexual intercourse. For instance, touching someone’s breasts or genitals with your hands won’t result in pregnancy. Nonetheless, heavy kissing and touching still involves powerful feelings, and in certain situations (hand or mouth to genitals), can involve transmission of sexually transmitted diseases.

Oral Sex

Let’s define what is meant by
oral sex.
The medical definition of
sex
is any genital contact at all, whether hand to genitals, mouth to genitals, or genitals to genitals. Oral sex is the act of putting one’s mouth, lips, or tongue on another person’s genitals with the intention of sexually arousing and stimulating the other person to orgasm.
Cunnilingus
²
is the term for orally
stimulating a woman’s vulva and clitoris.
Fellatio
³
is the act of orally stimulating a man’s penis. Performing oral sex on a boy is also called “giving head,” “giving a blow job” or “going down on.” When girls are receiving it is also called “going down on.” Oral sex counts as sex.

Some people believe that oral sex is a way to remain a virgin and not have to worry about getting pregnant. Another belief is that it’s a way to avoid getting an STI. This is not true.

You can get HIV, herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and trichomoniasis through oral sex. You can also feel just as emotionally involved and therefore vulnerable. To avoid contracting an STI, you must perform fellatio with a condom and cunnilingus with a “dental dam” (a piece of latex covering the female’s vulva).