Being a Teen (14 page)

Don’t believe that oral sex doesn’t count as sex. It does. I have talked with so many girls who have given their dates oral sex thinking that way they could keep their virginity. But afterward, they felt bad—about the experience and about themselves. Girls your age might do this as a way to keep a boyfriend or do what she thinks her friends are doing but, instead, it just gives her a reputation as being “easy” or “fast,” gives pleasure to a boy who may not really care about her, and does nothing for her except, maybe, give her an STI that may never go away! Some boys try to talk girls into giving them oral sex by saying that sperm prevents breast cancer or that it “makes your skin glow.” Girls, show you’re smarter than they think and just laugh at these myths.

No matter what anyone says, oral sex is an intimate act for
both partners that can leave you feeling used and ashamed if you are not with someone you care about and who cares about you. It can, however, be a beautiful and satisfying experience if you are old enough, in a loving, sensual, trusting relationship.

Orgasm

During orgasm, you will experience a strong surge of sexual pleasure, marked by rhythmic muscle contractions around your genitals. Some orgasms can be short in duration and give you sensations right around your genitals, while other orgasms may last longer and feel like a powerful, full-body experience. After orgasm, your body goes through a resolution phase that is often marked by a sense of relaxation, tension reduction, and well-being.

¹
   orgasm (
awr
-gaz-uhm): a strong surge of sexual pleasure, marked by rhythmic muscle contractions around the genitals in women and ejaculation in men

²
   cunnilingus (kuhn-l-
ing
-guhs)

³
   fellatio (fuh-
lay
-shee-oh)

11.

The Decision to Have Sex, Communication About Sex, and Common Questions

The Decision to Have Sex

The decision about when to begin to have sexual intercourse is affected by how you were raised, your religious beliefs and values, your age, what your parents have told you about how they feel on the subject (if they’ve discussed these things at all), and when you are in a loving relationship. The goal is to wait until you have a committed relationship with a trusting partner with whom you can freely communicate.

Ultimately, the decision to become sexually active is your own. This gives you a lot of freedom but it also requires thoughtfulness and responsibility.

What is most critical is that your decision about moving to a more serious, sexual relationship is just that, serious, as opposed to it just happening in the heat of passion, or because you were drinking, or were pressured, or wanted to “get it over with” or to “see what all the fuss is about.”

How Far Do High School Kids Go with Sexuality?

Some friends may tell you that they’ve done all sorts of sexual things, and this may make you feel bad if you haven’t. But, in fact, over the past years, fewer girls and guys are engaging in more advanced sexual acts. And you should not feel there’s anything wrong with you if you do not date or kiss, have sex, or have any high school romances.

No Matter What You Decide, Communication Is Key

Perhaps the best way to tell if you are in a real relationship as opposed to an infatuation is if you can communicate openly and freely. Communication is the key to healthy sexual decision-making. Whether you want to delay sex, start sex, or have more satisfying sex, you need to be able to
talk
about sex. In an intimate relationship you should be able to have open discussions about all sorts of things—even topics that might make you blush or feel insecure. Good decisions about sexual activity require honest conversations with your sexual partner.

Communicating About Sex Is Hard

Don’t be discouraged if you find it hard to talk about sex—so do lots of adults. You may have been raised to keep your sexual organs covered and to be quiet about any topic that was related to your genitals or sexual feelings. Ironically, now that you are a teenager, you need to relearn how to talk about these intimate, once “forbidden” topics.

It is also very important to have open communication with your partner before you start having sex because part of being in a responsible, mature relationship involves getting tested for STIs if either of the partners in the relationship has been sexually active in the past. Before you start having sex with someone, it is important to know that neither partner has an STI. You need to be able to feel comfortable asking if your partner has ever had sex before and asking him or her to get tested. Someone giving you his or her word about not having an STI is not enough. STIs will be discussed more in
Chapter 14
. But having this conversation about getting tested is an important part of communicating with your boyfriend or girlfriend.

You Need to Know and Trust Your Intimate Partner

You can’t trust your partner if you can’t communicate honestly. Ideally, any amount of physical intimacy should be matched with an equal amount of emotional intimacy. When you know and trust someone, you are much more likely to have safe and satisfying sexual experiences with him or her. If you do not know someone well, any type of sexual interaction could be risky—both physically and emotionally.

Setting Boundaries

If you feel you are in a healthy relationship, it is always a good idea to make your boundaries clear before getting too far into it. This isn’t something to do right away, but as the relationship develops you will need to say what you expect. Here are some examples of things that might be important to you: being faithful, being truthful, not gossiping about each other, not doing anything sexual that the two of you have not already agreed to. It’s sort of like a personal contract.

Here are some ways to open the lines of communication and set boundaries:

• “I want to know how far you want this to go.”

• “I need to tell you something.”

• “Wait, I am confused about what you want.”

• “I want to keep kissing you but I don’t want to have sex.”

• “What we are trying isn’t quite right for me, can we try ________?”

Take notice of your own body language. Try to be clear with your partner and keep your verbal messages in line with your body language. Do not, for instance, smile and say, “Maybe later,” if you really mean “No.” Remember that no one is a mind reader—if you send an unclear message, you will not be understood.

Telling the Truth

If you feel you are in a good, loving relationship and want to get more serious, it is fine to just say to your partner, “I need to know if you’re having sex with someone else.” This is a
normal, smart, healthy thing to want to know, and so just ask. If you later find out the person was lying to you, you know this isn’t a relationship you want to stay in.

Do you trust that you can tell the truth about your feelings to your partner and not have it used against you? Do you feel that he or she makes an effort to really hear and understand you? A healthy relationship is one where you can tell the other person if he or she has hurt you or if you’re feeling distance between you. Then the two of you can talk it through.

This does not mean that you necessarily should be talking about all of this yet. There is nothing immature about holding off on these conversations if they don’t apply to you right now. For some of you, your conversations may relate to how you like to be kissed … and it’s good to be able to talk about kissing if your partner doesn’t quite understand the way you like it. Pleasure matters, and sometimes it takes talking and practice to arrive at mutual pleasure.

Look Beneath the Surface

Not that this is the time in your life when you’re looking for a lifelong partner, but it may be a good time to learn to look beneath the surface of someone you are considering hooking up with. Is he or she kind? Considerate? Capable of respecting you? Is he or she all about bravado and show or is there substance beneath what may be a flashy exterior?

When Is It Not a Healthy Relationship?

It is not a healthy relationship if there is abuse or pressure of any kind. You should not allow disrespectful language, subtle pressure, or deception in an intimate relationship. It should go without saying that anyone who puts you down, uses violence against you, or tries to force you into sex is an unhealthy partner. You should never tolerate any form of physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse in what is supposed to be a loving relationship. It is also wrong for your partner to threaten to hurt him- or herself as a way to pressure you to do things you may not want to do. Even if your partner eventually apologizes for this behavior, it is still destructive and should not be tolerated. Be wary of partners who are obsessively jealous and paranoid, always suspicious and accusing, even if all you’re doing is talking to someone else. Boyfriends or girlfriends who call you constantly, check your cell phone or Facebook page, want to know where you are and who you are with, are stepping over the line. While you may be flattered at first, this is an unhealthy relationship.

Don’t stay in an abusive relationship thinking you can change your partner! It never works. See the end of this chapter for information about healthy dating attitudes and relationships as well as resources for what to do if you are in an unhealthy relationship.

It goes without saying that if your partner lies to you or uses your relationship to make him- or herself look good, it is not a healthy relationship.

Listen to Your Body

Another way to tell if you are in a healthy relationship is to listen to your body. Are your muscles tense? Is your breathing shallow? These are signs that you don’t feel 100 percent safe. To be able to read your body’s signals, you have to stay connected to your body. It is impossible to do this if you have had too much to drink or are spaced out on drugs.

Sexual Abuse

Some teenagers have been victims of sexual abuse as younger children. When they are in a relationship, it can feel very unsettling when sexual touching progresses. It can be very hard for someone who has been abused to say that he or she wants to stop. If you have been sexually abused, it makes sense that outercourse and sex could bring up difficult memories for you. See
Chapter 15
for more about sexual abuse.

Communicating When You’re
Not
Ready: Saying “No” and Meaning It

It is important to be prepared for how to handle it if the person you’re with tries to convince you to move ahead sexually when you feel uneasy about it. Anytime you feel unsure about sex, the answer is “no.” Anytime you feel afraid, the answer is “no.” Anytime you feel turned off, the answer is “no.” “No” never has to be justified. “No” is enough. Period.

Sometimes you will get pressured to engage in sex in subtle ways. Someone might say, “If you love me you will have sex with me.” This shows he or she does not respect you. Your
response should be: “Wrong! If you love me you won’t ask me to do something I don’t feel ready for!”

Someone could say to you, “We did it before, so what’s the problem?” or “I thought we loved each other!” or, if it’s a boy, “I promise I will pull out.” In these moments you must be true to yourself. If you don’t want to have intercourse you should be ready to say things such as:

• “I don’t want to do this.”

• “No. That’s my final answer.”

• “I don’t feel right about this. We are going to stop.”

When You
Are
Ready, Communicating What Feels Good

There are many ways to tell your partner what feels good to you. Some people have direct conversations about the sexual acts they prefer. This is a good way to communicate, but it is
not always easy for people. Many couples rely on subtle signals like soft sounds or body language. Saying things like “I like that,” “Yeah,” or “Keep doing that” are effective ways to indicate what feels good for you. You may also get your point across by gently guiding someone’s hand or saying, “Mmm.”

Body language alone simply does not suffice as effective sexual communication. If you rely on body language, you are likely to be misread or to misread someone’s feelings or intentions. For instance, someone who is opposed to sexual intercourse before marriage may still want to kiss you or engage in outercourse. This is why it is so important to talk about sex. If you can’t discuss sex, you’re probably not ready for it.

Be gently inquisitive with your partner. Don’t laugh at or put down your partner when he or she tries to talk about sex.