Being a Teen (21 page)

Bullying says more about the bully than it does you. If you are bullied, it is
not
your fault. Bullies are people who need to feel powerful. Hurting someone else makes them feel in control.

There are many forms of bullying.

Girls’ Bullying

Many girls want to appear nice, kind, caring, and never angry or violent, and that’s partly why girls’ bullying is more hidden than boys’. It can include backbiting, exclusion, ignoring, spreading rumors, name-calling, ganging up, or making subtle, put-down gestures. Teachers may not be aware of girls’ bullying, and may not call them on it the way they do boys.

Girls may think that even if they are mad at a friend, they shouldn’t come right out and say it, so they go behind the person’s back instead. If this is something you have done, know that your friend can tell you’re mad by the way you’re behaving. This is probably even more hurtful than a good fight because she feels it but isn’t supposed to trust her feelings.
Also, when you go behind someone’s back, you usually let your feelings stew and boil until you wind up getting really upset and losing control.

Boys’ Bullying

As I write about in
Chapter 3
, our culture’s view of masculinity and its pressures can cause boys to repress their feelings. When there are conflicts between boys, this can lead to physical aggression toward each other and toward boys who are “different”—who don’t fit the culture’s “masculine” model. It’s not that boys don’t also engage in backbiting and gossip the way girls do, but they tend to act out their bullying physically more than girls do.

You Can Get Out of It!

Do not stay in a bullying relationship. Do not tolerate meanness. Don’t stay because you think you can change the person. Staying in it can cause you to believe that friendship and abuse go together and, later, that love and abuse go together. That’s not a pattern you want to continue.

It may not be easy to tell your parents about the bullying at school and how hurtful it is. You may be worried about what their reaction will be, that they might only make it worse. But speak up and discuss it. It may be necessary for them to make the school aware of the bullying. If, for whatever reason, a parent isn’t available, go to a coach, another trusted adult family member, or a religious leader for their help.

Things to Remember About Bullying

• If you are being bullied, as I said, it is not your fault. It is not about you! It is about the bully him/herself.

• Never get into a fight with a bully. Stay calm. It may be hard, but try to joke about it. Bullies often don’t pick on people who refuse to let it upset them.

• Make note of the exact time and place where the bullying incident happened, what form the bullying took, and if anyone else witnessed it.

• Bullying is serious. It can lead to the bully’s expulsion from school. Bullies need to know this.

• Don’t bully others, even if your friends are doing it.

• Report the bullying to an adult, either your parents, a teacher, or a school official. Give them details, including emails, and so forth. If there were witnesses to what happened, see if they will report the bullying instead of you.

Cyberbullying

Bullies may use websites, social networks, or cell phones to send or post texts or images meant to hurt, embarrass, and torment the target of their cruelty. It can include:

• being ignored, disrespected, insulted, and called names

•
taking inappropriate photos when a person doesn’t realize it and sending them around

• using texts or photos stored on your cell phone or computer to blackmail you, get you to do or say something you don’t want to do or say. If you don’t, the bully can send them—through multimedia messaging or uploading to a site like Facebook or YouTube—throughout your school, your neighborhood, your city, the entire world, even.

• making unwanted sexual advances

• posting unflattering or personal or nude photos of people

• sending mean or threatening messages to someone

• using social media, instant messages, chat rooms, and email to create made-up stories about a person and posting them

Cyberbullying may be coming from someone you know, a friend, someone from school, or from a chat room. It may come from an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend or a stranger. It may not be physical, but cyberbullying can spread quickly and leave a long-lasting trail that can do terrible damage to both the person being bullied and the bully. You cannot ignore it. You must certainly avoid the particular website, chat room, or message board where you were harassed. And you must speak up! You may need your parents’ or guardians’ help to stop the cyberbully. You can take official action by contacting your Internet service provider (ISP). If you are receiving death threats, the bully may face criminal charges.

Electronic Dating Violence

Cyberbullying usually happens between people who do not like or want to be around each other. But sometimes bullies use emails, cell phones, and the Internet to harass and bully their romantic partners. It is wise not to give your password to your friends or romantic partners, and never allow them to pay your cell phone bill. Studies show that people who share their passwords with friends or romantic partners are almost three times as likely to be victims of electronic violence. (Sameer Hinduja, Ph.D., and Justin W. Patchin, Ph.D, “Electronic Dating Violence: A Brief Guide for Educators and Parents,” 2011, Cyberbullying Research Center,
www.cyberbullying.us
.) You may feel certain you can trust these friends, but you never know, and, as I pointed out earlier, relationships in high school can change.

You may know someone who has been stalked, harassed, checked up on constantly, or threatened by a former friend or romantic partner. Sometimes a victim can receive thousands of calls and texts at all hours of the day and night—“Where are you?” “Who are you talking to?”—to the point where the victim may become afraid to answer his or her calls or emails. Someone who is paying your phone bill may feel he or she has the right to monitor who calls or texts you. Because you have your phone or iPad with you all the time, you may end up having nowhere to hide from this harassment. It’s as if the cyberbully has an electronic leash attached to you.

Sexting

Never send a nude or partly nude photo or video of yourself or any sexual text to anyone! You may think it will remain between you and a current friend, but someone who you think is your girlfriend or boyfriend may get mad at you or want to brag about you, and send it to others, and it can go viral. It can ruin your reputation and embarrass you or make you seem really stupid. The photo can live forever on cell phones and even on social networking sites. The police may be called in, and there could be serious consequences. It could result in your having to move from where you and your family live, and even then, the damage may follow if people recognize you.

If someone sends you a sexually compromising photo of him- or herself or someone else, do not send it to anyone else. If you do, and the person in the picture or video is under eighteen, you may be arrested for dissemination of child pornography, which is a serious felony, and put in a juvenile detention center for up to nine months. In some parts of the country even those who
receive
the photos and those who
save
the photos can be charged with child pornography and, these days, adult jail is also a possibility—and for longer than nine months!

As one boy who was responsible for forwarding a nude photo his girlfriend had sent of herself said, “Not only does it hurt the people that are involved in the pictures you send, it can hurt your family and friends around you, the way they see you, the way you see yourself. The ways they feel about you. Them crying because of your mistakes.” (Jan Hoffman, “A Girl’s Nude Photo, and Altered Lives,”
The New York Times,
March 26, 2011.)

Sexting may be going on all around you in music videos and elsewhere, but don’t be foolish enough to engage in it yourself. Respect yourself and be smart. Remember, you can never take it back, or control who sees it. It will be out there forever.

What You Must Do if You Have Been Bullied

Some victims of cyberbullying are able to dismiss the bullies as merely stupid, pathetic people with nothing better to do with their lives. On the other hand, some people are scared, saddened, become depressed and anxious, and feel helpless and angry.

If you have been the victim of cyberbullying, here are things you must do:

• As with any form of bullying, tell someone—your parents, another trusted adult, a school official.

• Save the emails, text messages, or blogs as proof. Most email accounts now offer services that will automatically filter out messages from certain senders before they even reach you.

Resources

Here are some websites that can help you deal with bullying:

•
StopBullying.gov
: The official U.S. government website managed by the Department of Health and Human Services in partnership with the Department of Education and Department of Justice
for information and resources on how to prevent and stop bullying
www.stopbullying.gov

•
Teenangels.org
: an award-winning teen cybersafety group
www.teenangels.org

• National Bullying Prevention Center: Pacer Center’s Teens Against Bullying
www.pacerteensagainstbullying.org

• Teen Line: a confidential telephone helpline for teenage callers. It operates every evening from 6:00
P.M.
to 10:00
P.M.
PST. If you have a problem or just want to talk with another teen who understands, then this is the right place for you! You can call them at 1–800–852–8336 or 1–310–855–HOPE(4673). It is toll-free from anywhere in California. Text them by texting teen to 839863. Teen Line also offers message boards, resources, and information.
www.teenlineonline.org

Cyberbullying Resources

•
www.cyberbullying.org

•
www.netsmartz411.org

•
www.stopbullying.gov/topics/cyberbullying

• Facebook: Safety Centre for Teens: helpful information about how to be safe on Facebook
www.facebook.com/safety/groups/teens

• A Thin Line: “an MTV campaign that was developed to [empower individuals] to identify, respond to, and stop the spread of digital abuse in their life and among their peers”
www.athinline.org

LGBTQ Resources

• Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network (GLSEN)—
www.glsen.org

• It Gets Better Project: thousands of videos submitted by people across the country to inspire and encourage LGBTQ youth who are struggling. You can watch videos at
www.ItGetsBetterProject.com
.

• The Trevor Project: The Trevor Project is determined to end suicide among LBGTQ youth by providing resources and a nationwide twenty-four-hour hotline. If you are considering suicide or need help, call 1–866–4–U–TREVOR (866–488–7386).
www.thetrevorproject.org

Online Resources You Can Show Your Parents and Guardians

StopBullying.gov
: (information for parents)
www.stopbullying.gov/what-you-can-do/parents/index.html

Start Strong: Through this website or by calling 1–415–678–5500, your parents or teachers can access the organization Start Strong: Building Healthy Teen Relationships. They have a “Moving from a Relationship Bystander to a Relationship Upstander” workshop guide.
www.startstrongteens.org

• Striving to Reduce Youth Violence Everywhere (STRYVE): “a national initiative led by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) to prevent youth violence before it starts among young people ages ten to twenty-four”
www.vetoviolence.cdc.gov/stryve

• NetSmartz411: the parents’ and guardians’ premier, online resource for answering questions about Internet safety, computers, and the Web.
www.netsmartz411.org

• PBS Parents—Resources by Topic: Bullies
www.pbs.org/parents/itsmylife/resources/bullies.html

• Facebook: Family Safety Centre
www.facebook.com/safety

19.

Feelings About Your Looks and Your Body

The most important thing I have to say on this subject is that your value as a person is not determined by how you look. Your self-esteem should not be attached to what other people think you should look like. As you grow up, you will learn that character, loving relationships, and kindness are far more important than looks. Many famous and successful women and men were not beautiful or popular as adolescents and spent most of their time alone because they were rejected by their peers. Maybe it was this time alone that helped them develop the very things that were special about themselves.