Before He Was Gone: Starstruck Book 2 (15 page)

‘Another interesting week, castaways,’ Ed Bernstein says from his place in front of us on the challenge pitch. His shirt is yellow and makes his tan look even more orange. ‘How are we all feeling on yet another eviction day?’

‘Uncoordinated,’ Jaxx says from his place next to Stephanie. We’ve just had to endure watching ourselves on the projector screen again, carrying on our dance routine without Shan. It made me miss him even more. Watching myself spinning and smiling and mastering steps on the screen is so surreal. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. And we don’t even know what we’re dancing for.

‘Alyssa, it’s been three days now, how would you describe the mood around camp now that Shan’s gone?’ Ed asks, directing his gaze at me and folding his arms. ‘You guys were pretty close, wouldn’t you say?’

I draw a breath, clear my throat. The truth is I’ve been fluctuating between sadness and total fury since Shan left and Joshua went all Jekyll and Hyde on me. I’ve tried to keep quiet but of course, Ed would be fishing from
me
.

‘We were all pretty shocked to lose him like that,’ I say, but as the words leave my mouth I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. 
I try not to let my chin wobble. The more people look at me, the more I want to bury my head in my hands, or the sand, or get off this stupid island altogether, but I stay focused on Ed, keep my back straight and my chin up. I came here to be strong; to take on this challenge,
not
to let another guy break me. I refuse to cry in the light of day, in a council meeting, with even more cameras in my face.

‘I miss him a lot,’ I add. ‘It’s been weird since he left.’

‘In what way?’ Ed presses as Stephanie reaches for my hand and Punk squeezes my knee. I take another breath. I can feel Joshua’s eyes on me from his seat behind me. I won’t turn my head and look at him. Looking at him would make it worse. I will
not
cry in Ed Bernstein’s face. I will not give them that footage.

‘It’s hard to know who to trust,’ I say carefully as the camera to my left moves in closer. ‘I guess when you spend so much time with people, you feel like you should be able to trust them. Only, that’s not why we’re here, is it?’

Ed nods his head in contemplation and as Jaxx squeezes my shoulder from his seat I realize I really
don’t
trust anyone here anymore. Paradise turned to purgatory pretty fast. It’s like a wall’s been built around me suddenly. I’m an island on an island.

‘The weather hasn’t helped you guys,’ Ed says sympathetically, ‘not least because of those jellyfish. But through losing Shan, Punk here had a bit of a turnaround…’

Ed goes into Punk’s dramatic rescue and I zone out, but Punk’s next words bring me round again like a bucket of ice on my head. ‘I really just came here because of my fears,’ he says. ‘I haven’t told anyone here, as you know, Ed, but my friend was killed in a jet ski accident in Florida when I was a kid and since then I’ve had this almost crippling fear of the water. I just see bad things happening in there, you know?’

Everyone turns to him.
Wow
. I squeeze his knee right back as a wave of shame washes over me. God, I’m so selfish. My own dramas have made me blind to everyone else’s lately. Punk’s been suffering this whole time and I didn’t even really see it. Who cares if he would’ve drowned if I hadn’t been there… which is probably what would’ve happened, let’s face it. Just by being in that water, Punk’s self-confidence stopped sinking and started to swim. A rush of pride for him washes over me.

‘Good job then, Punk,’ Ed says, sincerely now. ‘Shan will be eternally grateful you faced that phobia head on.’ Punk flushes, a glimmer of a smile on his face and my heart goes out to him. He really is a sweetheart.

‘So, castaways, the time has come,’ Ed starts, turning from us and walking up the torch-lit pathway towards the voting booth. The cameras pan around us all and the lights flash on like they always do. I can’t help it now - I shoot a look at Joshua. He’s chewing on his bottom lip, staring at his wrought hands resting on the covered knees of his board shorts.

‘Who will be the next to leave this island?’ Ed continues, dramatically.

I swallow my nerves. Jaxx is the only one who can save him now. I’m not sure he will. I’ve seen the looks he’s been getting since the incident on the raft. Since he yelled at me, Joshua’s been keeping himself to himself, distancing himself from everyone, wandering off to the waterfall alone whenever he can.

He’s a liability, he’s a liar, he’s moody -
 that’s what the others have all been saying. Every time I look at him now a truck ton of emotions crash over me and I don’t even know what to think. If he doesn’t want me, he doesn’t want me. I’ve been humiliated enough. I need to just let it go and keep my focus on this game. That’s what Chloe would tell me. That’s what my own brain is telling me.

But my heart…

Block it out.

‘When you’re ready, one by one, starting with you please, Stephanie, let’s cast these votes.’

I watch her go - neon pink bikini top, scruffy daisy dukes low on her thinner hips. Jaxx follows, all six-foot-five of him, skinnier round the arms and middle. Punk goes up next. When he’s back, I stand up and head to the booth, pick up the pen and write Jaxx’s name automatically. He’s the biggest threat, to me at least. And I still can’t do it. I told Jaxx I would, and that Joshua had to go, but I can’t vote him out.

‘One more vote,’ Ed booms. ‘Joshua, would you please make your way to the booth.’

We cross on the path and he catches my eye before I can look away. Butterflies and every flying bug in this frickin’ jungle zoom through me. You could cut the tension with a machete but within minutes he’s walking back to us, six-pack shimmering with perspiration, and Ed is clapping his hands together. ‘Let’s count these babies up, shall we?’ he tells us. ‘But first, if anyone has the immunity charm, now is the time to play it.’

I keep my face forward. Ed’s looking at us expectantly. Time drags and I know Joshua’s waiting for someone to save him. America’s waiting for someone to save him. 

The pitch is still silent. Jaxx isn’t going to save him and Joshua’s realized their alliance has been broken. Ed’s shuffling with the pieces of cardboard. I bite on my cheeks, sit up straighter on the bench; grip the sides of it with my sweaty palms.

‘The castaway with the most votes… the one leaving their
Deserted
journey today is…’

Ed takes a deep, dramatic breath, makes sure the cameras are panning round all of us, taking in every anguished expression.

‘Joshua,’ he finishes. ‘I’m so sorry, Joshua, it looks like the decision’s been made.’

My heart heaves against my chest as Ed walks closer. I turn around. Joshua’s face is pale. He’s not looking at me, or anyone as he stands up, whips the bandana off his head, ready to throw it into the fire, but Ed stops him in his tracks. His hand is out like a barrier now.

‘Wait a second. There’s something we didn’t tell you guys before you cast your votes today,’ he says.

Jaxx meets my eyes briefly, nervously. Stephanie’s frowning. Joshua’s wrenching his hands together and Punk’s just looking confused. What the hell are they doing to us now?

‘As you know,’ Ed Bernstein starts off slowly, ‘Shan was evicted from the game through no fault of his own this week. Therefore, it’s way too soon to let another one of you escape so easily.’

He shakes his head at all of us. ‘Joshua, we can’t let you go, buddy. But we
will
send you to Asylum Island, where you’ll stay alone until the next castaway voted out gets to battle you in a duel. Whoever loses leaves for good. The winner will stay on Asylum Island and keep on battling future evictees for the chance at a place in the final. Joshua…’ he stops to address the camera head on. ‘It’s not over yet.’

What?

I turn to him. He meets my eyes again for a split second and I see hope flicker like a candle before something darker crosses his face and he shoots Jaxx a look that could kill. He’s been betrayed, but he’s been thrown a lifeline. I clench the seat. This changes everything. Joshua can survive on Asylum Island. He can fish, he can climb. He’s the best person this could have happened to.

Punk looks at me, eyes wide and shocked. I almost want to laugh. Stephanie and Jaxx have their heads low now. They’re screwed and they know it. We all know they can’t be trusted, using that damn immunity charm between them.

‘Joshua,’ Ed says, stepping backwards with the cameras.‘ It’s time for a new adventure. Are you ready?’

Joshua stands up. The muscles in his back are tensed as he turns to narrow his eyes at Jaxx. Jaxx shrugs apologetically, like it will do him any good.

‘Keep your bandana - put that thing back on,’ Ed tells him as he climbs off the bench in bare feet. He obeys, tying it around the scruffy black hair that’s grown back on his head. He looks younger with it, somehow. It was soft when I last ran my hands through it. I clench my hands harder, remembering his arms around me, dancing with me by the well. And the way he looked when he told me we were nothing.

‘Now, Joshua. Is there anything you’d like to say to your team mates before you go set up camp on Asylum Island?’

I cross my arms around my body. He’s standing here now, running those eyes over all of us like an animal, sweat running down the cuts of his abs. His board shorts are hanging looser around his slimmer waist, revealing the band of white I know goes all the way down to his solid mid-thighs.

‘I didn’t think there was an I in team,’ he says, glaring straight at Jaxx. ‘But I was wrong. You’re looking at it.’

*

Back in the shelter, I’m listening to the voices of the others outside, sitting round the fire. They’re still discussing what happened in the council meeting. Of course, Jaxx is within his rights to use the immunity charm however he wants, but he’s actually wearing it proudly now – the string of shells on a leather cord that makes him look like some kind of warrior. I couldn’t be out there.

I can’t stop thinking of Joshua on that island, all by himself. In previous seasons of
Deserted
, Asylum Island has been the tiniest patch of a beach or forest with just a hammock between two trees, or some kind of shelter with room for two. I think I know where this one is. The other islands are too far away, and they wouldn’t put him on the staff one.

Before, when I climbed to the waterfall alone, before the rain started, I saw another trail leading from the top, downwards into the jungle. It was blocked off with branches – I think they tried to hide it. But they did a bad job. Is he lying there now, wondering who he’s going to have to fight to stay in this game? Is he hurting? 

My mind slips back to before, when I heard him crying, right here in the dark. Whatever he does, however much he pushes me away, the fact that he’s in pain is killing me. 
We’re nothing
, he told me, but I don’t believe him. I
could
just be a stupid girl... a stupid deluded girl going crazy with malnutrition and lack of contact with the world, but my heart's never known reality 
clearer than it knows it out here, and I don’t believe him. 

I turn to my side, see his jeans folded up one sleep spot away. I reach for them but as I pull them towards me something rolls out of the pocket. I sit up, catch it before it tumbles out of the shelter. It’s a jar - small and clear with a white screw cap.

I spin around, make sure no cameras are in the shelter with me. Already a bad feeling is churning in my stomach. I turn the jar around in my hands as sweat breaks out on my palms.
Oh my god.

Pills.

There’s no label on the jar but the sight of the big, scary looking capsules inside is bringing my heart to my throat and making me feel sicker by the second. What the hell does he need
these
for?

Footsteps outside are moving closer. I can tell without looking that it’s Jaxx. I shove the jar back into the jeans pocket quickly, but as Jaxx crawls inside and sees me scrunching them up as a pillow, I ignore the amused expression on his face and turn away from him. Tears flood my eyes now as my heart batters my ribcage.

The pills are bright red.

Red means danger.

‘How hungry are you, Alyssa?’ comes the voice over the megaphone.

I’ve been standing on a wooden platform on a post in the shallows for forty minutes in the blazing sunshine. Stephanie seems to have adopted some kind of magical yoga pose to keep her balance. Jaxx looks like a statue and even Punk isn’t moving as the camera guys paddle round us on their kayaks.

Balancing on the post isn’t a problem. Feeling the hot sun scorching my shoulder blades, even through the sunscreen isn’t a problem. It’s the smell of food items brought around to us every so often by Ed Bernstein on a jet ski that’s driving me crazy.

‘Not hungry at all,’ I tell him, although we all know that’s a lie. First it was pizza with hot cheese bubbling between islands of pepperoni on a silver plate. Then it was chocolate fondue, hot in its pot. Just a few minutes ago it was tuna steak on a bed of fresh greens with what smelled like sesame and ginger dressing. My mouth’s watering like a drooling dog’s; my stomach’s growling like there’s a pack of something bigger inside, but if we cave in and accept the food items, we miss out on a bigger prize at the end. We have no clue what that is yet.

‘It might not even be worth starving over,’ Ed reminds us now. ‘Remember, any of this food is yours at any time, whenever you want to jump down!’ He whizzes round Jaxx with what looks like a plate of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and I watch as he wobbles and groans. We’re all ravenous.

Since Joshua left three days ago we’ve had barely any fresh fish and Stephanie won’t let us kill the chickens yet. It’s literally just been rice and the few coconuts I’ve managed to slash from the trees. Thank god my climbing skills have improved with practice. Tension is high. There’s a huge show of us all banding together as a team, still dancing beneath the trees as Stephanie continues to dazzle Jaxx (and all of us, actually) with her voice, but Punk and I know they’re a tight unit now and will never vote each other out if there’s a choice. The way he follows her around like a puppy dog is kind of endearing.

A giant splash to my left. Punk’s jumped from his post and is waving his arms around in the water; a pasty white ball in the blue.

‘Man down!’ Ed yells from the jet ski, sweeping round to collect him. ‘Turns out Punk’s a man who’ll sacrifice a lot, but never a sirloin steak and French fries. Punk’s out of the game! Who’ll be next?’

I watch as Punk’s pulled onto the jet ski and sped back to shore. I feel bad for him, knowing he must hate jet skis with a passion. Back on the sand he’s handed the steak that caused his downfall. My stomach growls again as he sinks to the sand with it and starts eating with his hands like a monkey.

I close my eyes as Ed approaches me a minute later and the smell of garlic bread assaults my nostrils.
Block it out
.

‘Alyssa the Greek,’ he says from beneath me, waving the bread and literally causing me to topple towards it. I catch my balance at the last second. ‘What are your esteemed taste buds craving the most right now?’

His megaphone is hurting my ears. When I look, a camera is catching my tortured expression, hovering a little longer on my bikini-clad cleavage for good measure. I make a conscious effort to breathe through my mouth and not my nose.

Joshua
, I think in silence, in answer to Ed’s question. My taste buds are craving Joshua. My hands, lips, toes, tongue, all of me wants all of him. Even now.

‘You can enjoy this delicious, freshly toasted garlic bread any time you like…’

Block it out.

Even now I want him. But
am
I just deluded?
Was
it really nothing? I go from yes, to no, to yes, to no, till I want to bash my head on a palm tree. 
I took myself and the spear, fished for what turned out to be one tiny snapper yesterday, and for two hours as I dove around that reef, following the path and techniques he taught me, all I could think about was what the hell those pills could be for. He’s suffering in silence, which makes me even crazier. I think this is the closest to crazy I’ve possibly ever been.

‘You ran away here, didn’t you?’ Stephanie said last night, as we walked to the shore with the dirty cooking pots. ‘To get away from your ex?’

‘I told myself that wasn’t the case,’ I said, ‘but maybe I did a little. Idiot, right?’

‘Nope, I did the same thing. I ran,’ she said, dunking the metal container in the water. ‘But I think maybe I was running towards something. I think about that sometimes. I’ve done everything for my brothers for so long, acting like their mom. I forgot what it was like to just be me. I guess I got a little lost.’

‘Well, maybe sometimes you have to get lost to find yourself,’ I said then and she reached for my hand.

‘Or someone else.’ She dropped both our pots and sat me down on the sand with her. ‘If you didn’t come
here
, Alyssa, you wouldn’t have met Joshua. You don’t even know how lucky you are to have found him; I mean, what are the chances, right? Are you going to be with him, when you get out of here?’

Her words stunned me. ‘You don’t even
like
Joshua!’ I said, searching her face. ‘And what do you mean,
found
him?’

‘Your soul mate,’ she answered, brushing her long bangs aside.

‘Why, ‘cause we have the same
birthday?
’

‘No! I mean, well, who knows? But you say the same things, you think the same things. You’re like magnets - I’ve seen you trying to keep away from him. It’s kinda painful to watch. I can’t imagine how it feels.’

‘Joshua doesn’t believe in soul mates,’ I told her as my cheeks flamed in the dark. ‘Do you?’

She sighed then, stared out at the ocean, played with her necklace. ‘I don’t know
what
to believe, honestly. My head's all screwed up out here. But I do think there are different kinds of people. People who are meant to make us run, and others who we’re meant to run right into.’

Ed’s heading for me now.

‘Alyssa the Greek – we have a special treat for you,’ he says, on his way back from torturing the others with some ice cream. The unmistakable smell of spaghetti and meatballs is taking over my entire space and my stomach lurches like it’s got a life of its own. My feet are moving without my acceptance. Before I know it I’m in the water next to the jet ski and a camera guy on a kayak is in my face.

‘Woman down!’ Ed yells to the others, zooming in to collect me. ‘Turns out Alyssa the Greek can’t resist the taste of Italian. Stephanie and Jaxx, are you planning to join the picnic?’

He speeds me to the shore, where I’m handed the plate of hot spaghetti and meatballs. Punk looks up at me as I stand dripping beside him. His chin is covered in steak sauce and there are splatters of it on his bare, white chest. In spite of my annoyance at myself I can’t help laughing. ‘This is so stupid,’ I say, rolling my eyes and dropping beside him and attacking the meatballs like my life depends on it.

‘Are they good?’ he asks, watching me shovel them ungracefully into my mouth with fingers full of pasta. His own plate has literally been licked clean but he can’t drag his eyes away.

‘They could be seasoned better,’ I tell him, squinting in the sun. It’s the truth, but we both start laughing as I offer him one.

We both eat and watch as Jaxx and Stephanie are tormented with yet more food. To our side I can see the boxes of it they’ve bought over from the staff camp on the speedboat. I bet they’ve got an entire kitchen there. And a branch of McDonalds. It’s weird but the hungrier you get, the more you crave the things you wouldn’t usually want. Junk food mostly. You remember the feeling of
not
being hungry, more than the enjoyment that comes with actually eating anything good.

I wonder what Joshua’s eating. He’s probably got his own supply of fish on the grill as we speak. My heart pangs again and I hope he’s OK. I haven’t told anyone about the pills. I contemplated telling the crew, but we’re forbidden to talk to them and no one’s been to collect them. But it’s been three days. Whatever they’re for, he must be missing them.

‘Punk,’ I say, turning to him conspicuously. I look around us, shuffle closer to him on the sand, hiding my mouth behind a handful of spaghetti. ‘We have to agree on the next vote. I have an idea, but you’re going to have to work with me. How are your acting skills?’

‘Terrible,’ he replies, biting a meatball in half.

‘Well… just try harder,’ I say, swiping at my mouth. ‘Listen. What if Jaxx accidentally overhears us saying we’re going to vote for Stephanie at the next council meeting? What do you think he’d do?’

Punk narrows his eyes, turns his head to check for the cameras. One is on us, the rest are focused on the others still on their posts. ‘I think he’d give her the immunity charm to keep her in the game,’ he says as the camera guy, sensing strategy talk, comes closer.

‘But if Stephanie has the charm, and
instead
we vote Jaxx…’

‘He’s out of the game,’ Punk finishes for me, and his face breaks into a grin.

‘Well, not exactly. Jaxx has to battle Joshua first,’ I follow. ‘And Joshua has to win. But either way, we split them up and get rid of the immunity charm. Joshua will vote Jaxx after what he just did. And he knows I know that. He knows I’ll vote Jaxx too. And sitting out there on that island, Punk, he’s probably guessed I’ll ask you to do the same.’

‘You guys know each other pretty well,’ Punk says with a half smile and a raised eyebrow.

‘I know a few things,’ I say with a sigh.

I shuffle away from him again as a blast from a cannon and some kind of hooter indicates the challenge time is up. They’ve lasted an hour on their posts. Stephanie and Jaxx are the only ones who’ll get to enjoy whatever prize could be better than steak and spaghetti with meatballs.

I watch them speeding in on the back of the jet ski, blazing in on a stream of glory. Right now, I don’t even care. I’m full for the first time in days and I also have another plan forming in my head. This one, I won’t be sharing with Punk.