Before He Was Gone: Starstruck Book 2 (11 page)

The team turns to head towards the well, where the goat is. I lag behind and grab Stephanie’s arm. ‘Swim?’ I ask her.

She looks at me in confusion. ‘Now?’ she says.

‘Paddle then,’ I say, yanking her towards the shoreline.

‘What’s going on?’ she asks, eyeing me up and down, ramming a hand through her messy bangs and clutching at her guitar necklace.

‘They want you out, just so you know.’

She freezes in the surf. ‘What? Who?’

‘Joshua, Punk, Karin and Mia.’

‘Why?’ She looks like I just punched her.

‘They think you’re hooking up with Jaxx, they don’t trust you.’

‘That’s crazy!’

‘I don’t care what you do, or don’t do, you know that, but listen, I’m going to get them to vote Journey out. You have to vote for her too, OK? Tell Jaxx to do the same, no matter what.’

She frowns at me in suspicion now. ‘Shan told us all to vote Joshua out,’ she says. ‘Punk was next. Why would he…’

‘Not anymore,’ I say, folding my arms. ‘We spoke this morning. Why bother with Punk – he’s not going to win, is he? He’s not as threatening as Journey. Joshua apologized to you Stephanie, for yesterday, right? He wasn’t feeling too hot, he didn’t mean to speak up like that…’

‘I know,’ she says, looking at the sand. ‘It’s a sensitive issue, that’s all.’

‘I get that, let’s put it behind us here, OK? Look, Joshua’s strong and he has skills, and right now we need those skills. He needs to spearfish.’

She sucks in air through her nose. ‘Damn, you’re right. I don’t want to eat that goat for three days. I don’t wanna eat it at all.’

‘Neither do I,’ I say. ‘Do we have a deal?’

‘OK,’ she nods. ‘What about the others?’

‘Leave them to me. Just talk to Jaxx, no one else. Don’t say anything to raise suspicion.’

‘I won’t.’ She narrows her eyes at me. ‘What’s going on with you two, anyway?’

It’s my turn to lower my head. ‘I don’t know,’ I tell her honestly. ‘This place is crazy. What about you and Jaxx? Seriously?’

She sucks in a breath. ‘He’s just someone to talk to.’

‘Well, we all need that,’ I say. She looks at the ocean with me for a moment before turning and walking back to camp, shaking her head. I feel awful but… can I pull this off? Everyone’s going to be distracted, what with the new food situation. I just need to stop them discussing the votes again. If me, Joshua, Shan, Stephanie and Jaxx all vote Journey or Punk next, Joshua will be safe, at least. The others can do what they want.

I take a deep breath as I follow Stephanie back across the sand. I’m treading dangerous waters here, following my heart instead of my head, attempting such espionage so soon in the game. Chloe’s going to tell me I’m an idiot, not least for hooking up with Joshua like this, on TV, so soon after splitting from world-famous Sebastian Moreno.

But then, I couldn’t have stopped
that
if I wanted to could I? And besides, as much as I love her, sometimes Chloe doesn’t really understand the concept of spontaneity. My best friend wouldn’t even
think
about doing anything with Noah Lockton at all till he’d written about nine songs in her name and the entire planet felt like thumping her about the head with one of his guitars.

‘It’s basically The Hunger Games, isn’t it?’ Shan says to Alyssa. His hands are on his hips as we all stand around the goat. ‘Do you think if we kill it we’ll get costumes made of flames and tiny packages from the sky?’

‘May the odds be ever in our favor,’ Alyssa replies, but her face is straight as she looks at the bleating creature in Journey’s arms.

‘This is barbaric!’ Journey cries for about the seventeenth time and I breathe hard through my nose, willing myself not to speak. She’s sitting on the sand with it, ignoring its blatant struggle to get away from her. ‘This creature has a heart and soul like all of us. It’s not a food source.’

‘With all due respect, honey,’ Mia says, ‘they didn’t send this animal here to be our friend. It never gave us any milk. It was pretty darn obvious they were going to find a purpose for it sooner or later.’

Jaxx is shaking his head now too. I notice how he reaches for Stephanie’s shoulder but she pulls away from him quickly. ‘So, Joshua, how are we going to do this,’ Karin asks and everyone turns their head to look at me.

‘The faster, the better,’ I say.

Journey fixes me with another of her evil glares. She hates me. ‘I know you probably want to kill it jungle boy, but seriously, what if we all just refuse?’ she says. ‘We’ll just tell them no one could kill the goat. They’ll have to give us the rice back - they’re not just going to let us starve here!’

‘Bet they would,’ Shan says. ‘That would make fabulous TV. Imagine if we had to resort to cannibalism. I’d eat you first Double G, while you were fresh,’ he says sincerely and Alyssa pretends to look thankful.

The camera guy is on his belly in the dirt, pointing from us to Journey with her arms around the animal. I notice Punk looking at the machete leaning up against the well. Before anyone can say anything else he’s lifting it up, albeit with difficulty.

‘No! Not like this!’ Journey screeches, leaning further over the goat like a shield. All the girls wince and step backwards as he hobbles over with it. I take it from his hands.

‘She’s right. Not like this,’ I tell him.

‘How would
you
do it then?’ Punk says, raising his eyebrows at me above his glasses. I look around me. I know some of these people will be voting me out tonight because of what I said to Stephanie. I’m a goddam idiot. I can’t control my mouth when there’s this much going on in my head; not least Alyssa. I have to keep my head in this game before I lose it altogether. I also have to hope Jaxx sticks to his word about protecting me with that immunity charm if I need it.

Everyone’s still looking at me. I clear my throat. ‘What would I do? Well, I would take a point twenty-two high-speed long rifle and a hollow point cartridge and shoot it straight in the back of the head.’ I tighten my bandana, fold my arms. ‘But seeing as we don’t have one, I’d slit its throat, or strangle it.’

‘Strangle it?’
Journey looks horrified.

Alyssa leans into Shan. ‘Honestly, that thing looks like it would rather be strangled than have to be hugged by her.’

‘I’d be careful what you say if I were you,’ Journey warns her, hissing through gritted teeth.

‘Woah!’ Shan throws an arm across Alyssa. ‘Someone needs an exorcism.’

‘We need more of the rope,’ I say to Punk quickly. ‘Can you get that? And a sharp knife. Jaxx, I’m going to need your help to hold it down. Mia, Alyssa, Karin, can you guys go start the fire? This thing will probably take…’

‘…all day to roast,’ Alyssa finishes. ‘I’ll make mash potato and spiced pumpkin sides, and thick gravy like mom makes.’

‘With chocolate pudding for dessert!’ Shan claps his hands.

‘I can’t believe you’re talking like this!’ Journey screeches. ‘It’s not funny! Look at this poor creature!’ She’s on her feet now, hands against my chest. Her eyes are pleading. The production guy is grinning as he adjusts his mic. Does she really not care that she’s looking like a total freak to the nation right now? There’s something about her that’s not quite right, in more ways than one.

‘Please, Joshua, don’t do this,’ she begs, eyes imploring. '
You don’t have to be a murderer.’

‘It’s not my decision, Journey, I’m sorry,’ I say, moving her aside and walking to the goat. ‘Perhaps you’d like to try eating grass for three days?’

‘There are other things to eat,'  she says, coming up behind me, long hair flailing like a cape. ‘I’ll eat anything but this.’

‘Then by all means, go get it. The spear’s back at camp. The fish are waiting for you on the reef.’

‘I’m a vegetarian! You know that.’

‘Then the coconuts are up the tree if you can reach them. And the plants that won’t kill you are all in the jungle, hidden with the ones that will.’

Her eyes fill with fury before Stephanie walks up and puts an arm around her shoulder. ‘You don’t have to be a prick all the time,’ she tells me.

‘He’s being realistic,’ Alyssa says, as Jaxx appears with the knife and Punk throws the rope down beside me. ‘The birds and the bunnies are
not
all our friends,’ she carries on. ‘That snake would’ve killed any one of us and so would this goat if it had hands and a knife and it knew what we were planning.’

I look at her, eyes wide. Damn, she’s amazing. I try not to smile.

‘Well… we have to do a cleansing ceremony first, at least,’ Journey says, wiping her tears, getting back on her knees. The goat bleats in her face. Jaxx rolls his eyes and I watch Alyssa walking away with the other girls. ‘We have to free its soul,’ Journey tells me.

‘Get on with it then,’ I say, uncoiling the rope and ordering Punk to slash some off with the knife. I’ve never met anyone quite like Journey. If Alyssa wasn’t here I’d be living alone by now, up a damn tree. If Alyssa wasn’t here I’d be lost.

What?

The thought clouds up my brain cells as I listen to Journey utter some cleansing nonsense, stroking the goat’s fuzzy head and attempting to keep it still. The guys are watching her in what I think is equal intrigue and disdain and my thoughts flicker back to Alyssa’s eyes searching mine, her lips asking for my secrets.

She felt so damn good in my hands, skin on skin. But what the hell am I thinking:
I’d be lost without her here?
I can’t
ever
let myself get lost in Alyssa; physically, mentally, metaphorically, no matter how much I want to be. If Evan was here he’d be telling me the same thing, for a number of reasons. My heart’s been hammering ever since I kissed her. I was stupid; acted like an idiot. It can’t happen again.

‘Take care, free spirit,’ Journey’s saying now, leaning forward to kiss the goat. She stands up with a tearstained face, sighs heavily and shoots me the king of all evil stares before finally leaving.

‘Coooo-coooo,’ Shan sing-songs, twirling a finger at the side of his head in the direction of the camera. ‘That girl is
next-level
crazy. And I’ve seen some crazy. Do you think she’s the plant?’

‘What?’ I say, though I notice how the camera guy zooms in on him fast.

‘A fix! A prop to wind us up, to bring on a meltdown. You know?’

Punk’s eyes are wide now. ‘He’s right,’ he whispers, leaning closer, peering over his glasses. ‘Season nineteen, they brought in this guy who said he was a paranormal investigator, remember? He had everyone thinking the island was haunted. They all freaked out!’

‘Oooh, I remember that,’ Shan says. ‘Turned out he was just some actor. There were no ghosts, but he played such mind games. He had three girls convinced they were possessed by week three. Sensational!’

I shake my head, crouching down by the goat. ‘Journey’s not that interesting,’ I say, although he’s got a point. They’ll do anything to mess with us on this show and I have a feeling we haven’t seen the half of it yet.

‘What can I do?’ Punk says now, getting to his knees beside me. He wipes his hands on his grubby sweater and looks at me, waiting for instruction.

‘Tie some rope up around that tree,’ Shan says suddenly, pointing to a mid-height palm. ‘We have to drain the carcass before we skin it, right Tarzan?’

‘Right,’ I say, cocking an eyebrow up at him.

‘I saw some guy do this on TV,’ he explains, putting his hands on his hips again and leaning over us.

‘Did you watch the way he slit his throat?’ I reply. ‘Cause you can take that job off my hands if you like?’ I hold the knife up to him as Jaxx grabs the goat. It bleats in his arms, eyes bulging and Shan’s eyes do the same for a second as he looks at the blade. I’m just as surprised as I think
he
is when he takes it. He stands tall and gives me his usual look of indifference, but I don’t miss how his hands are trembling suddenly.

‘OK, team, here’s to not starving out here in paradise,’ I grin. ‘Shan, when you’re ready, draw a straight line with the blade down its throat, hard and fast. Punk, grab that machete again when you’re done. We need to lose the head pretty fast after we…’

‘No way! I’m not chopping off its head, are you
crazy!?
’

We all turn to him. He’s struggling to throw the rope over the tree branch and he freezes in shame as he realizes he sounds like a girl. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says, pushing his glasses further onto his sweaty nose, almost getting knocked out by the swinging rope. ‘I know we have to do this but I can’t chop a head off anything. I just can’t.’

I note a look pass between Shan and Jaxx. ‘Fine,’ I say, ‘then hand it to me when I say so.’ I take the goat’s front legs and hold its neck out as Jaxx pins down the back. ‘Shan, when you’re ready, buddy. Go!’

There’s a slight struggle but Shan’s fast. The blood starts to drip and the bleating hits a crazy high volume before it subsides. Jaxx is looking the other way. I feel the warmth spread over my hands as the white fur in them turns red. ‘OK, Punk, pass the machete!’ I yell, but there’s a thud from behind us. We all turn around.

Punk’s passed out on the floor.

I sneak a look at Joshua, glistening in sweat, walking between Jaxx and Punk. He’s wearing his white T-shirt and it’s even whiter against his tan, in spite of the dirt. He doesn’t meet my eyes but I can smell him too; the animalistic, primal scent of him that hits my nostrils now before I ever see him, turning me on. I can’t imagine him scented artificially, like Sebastian.

Five cameras are poised as we make our entrance in a line down the sandy pathway. Dusk is falling now and mosquitoes buzz around my face as I take my seat on one of two raised wooden benches. There’s a giant white projector screen pointing towards our seats. I’ve never seen that before.

‘It’s going to rain tonight,’ I hear a runner say. Thunder’s been rumbling for a while, although mostly I just take it for my shrinking stomach. The rations of goat haven’t exactly filled us up. It took me a long time to prepare it and slice it and serve it, but we were all hungry again soon after.

Fire is blazing on a bunch of wooden torches stuck in the sand. My palms are sweating, and only a little because of the heat. The producer is shuffling around the set in headphones. A make-up artist is caking make up onto Ed Bernstein only slightly faster than he can sweat it off. I don’t know why they bother. I hate this part.

Everyone scuttles to the sidelines once we’re seated and the stage lights they’ve rigged up around the pitch and voting booth are switched on. It’s twenty times hotter instantly. A swarm of insects start to buzz and flutter mercilessly under each light.

‘Thanks for coming, castaways,’ Ed tells us, like we had a choice. His shirt is a violent red today. His khaki pants have way too many pockets. ‘How are you feeling now, Colin?’

‘It’s Punk,’ Punk replies, adjusting his glasses self-consciously and wiping his face. ‘And I’m OK, now, thanks.’ I hear Jaxx stifle a snicker. 

‘Good to hear it – we had a bit of a situation on our hands this morning,’ Ed tells us all. ‘In fact, it’s been a pretty interesting week, right guys? Before we go into the votes, we have a few things to discuss. For your benefit as well as for the viewers at home, we thought we’d re-cap a few of the highlights, so let’s start with that very impressive sand couch.’ The white screen flickers into life and I hold my breath.

There’s a flashback to Karin building her doomed masterpiece; first in normal time, then sped up. She’s looking around her the whole time to check if anyone’s watching. I look at her in real time behind me. She’s blushing and Mia’s holding her hand. ‘It took you a long time to build that, Karin,’ Ed says. ‘There’s never been anything quite like that on
Deserted
before. How did you feel when someone sabotaged your work of art?’

A camera on a dolly in the sand pans to her and Karin shrugs nervously. ‘I guess I felt pretty bad at first,’ she says. ‘But the saddest thing is that no one’s admitted to it yet.’

I feel sick. I feel like the worst human being on the planet. Ed Bernstein gets big bucks to stir things up at these things. In previous seasons, these meetings have caused huge rifts in the group back at camp. I struggle not to hang my head; not to look at Joshua again.

‘Do you feel like maybe there are people in the team who aren’t being very honest?’ Ed says, raising an eyebrow.

‘I think withholding some stuff is part of the game,’ Karin replies tactfully. ‘We’re all here to try and win. But yeah, it’s definitely caused some trust issues pretty early on.’

‘Trust issues,’ Ed repeats thoughtfully. ‘Interesting. Karin, would you say there’s anyone in the group so far you
would
trust, implicitly?’

‘I guess, Mia,’ she ventures.

‘Why’s that?’

‘Because she’s like a mother.’

‘Mamma Mia,’ Mia smiles. ‘That’s what they call me back home.’

‘Interesting,’ Ed says again, though he doesn’t really look interested. ‘Let’s watch another highlight.’

The screen flashes onto a shot of us swimming in the waterfall after the last challenge. It looks so idyllic from the helicopter – a perfect frothy spill of white water gushing into a turquoise pool, and all of us just pink dots between the rocks and the emerald green jungle. We really are in paradise.

The scene cuts to Mia again, sitting up on the rocks with Punk. 
‘Who’s out next d’you think?’ Punk asks her and Mia shakes her head.

‘I don’t know honey, maybe me.’

‘You? People love you, Mia! Way more than me and Karin.’

‘You’re good entertainment,’ she tells him.

‘Thanks, I think. So, you think I stand more of a chance than Karin?’ he says over his glasses.

She sighs. ‘I don’t know. She’s a sweetheart, and she’s pretty,’ she says. ‘But then, none of us are as fun to watch as Alyssa and Joshua, I’m sure.’

They both kind of smirk at that for a moment and the screen goes blank again. My throat is dry. My heart’s a kangaroo. I can feel everyone’s eyes on my face. Ed pauses dramatically, allowing time for her words to sink in and for the horrible music I know they’ll add over this awkward silence. 

‘Alyssa and Joshua…’ Ed starts as I try to look un-phased. ‘Any idea what Mia and Punk might have been insinuating there?’ 
Oh, God.

‘Oh come on, we all
know
what’s going on,’ Journey cuts in and my hands clench around the bench.

‘Journey,’ Ed says, walking up even closer and folding his arms. I’m dying to turn around, to look at Joshua, to know what he’s thinking, but I fix my eyes on Ed. Fear knots my intestines. What the hell is she going to say? What the hell are they going show next on that screen?

‘Isn’t it irritating when team members keep secrets?’ Ed says, raising his eyebrows at Journey.

‘I saw them destroying the sand couch. I’m sure everyone at home did, too, right?’ she says.

There’s a collective gasp and I cover my face with my hands. 
Karin takes a deep breath. ‘You never told me that!’ she says to Journey.

‘She never told
any
of us that,’ Jaxx adds. ‘I mean, we all know you guys are hooking up but the couch, wow…’

‘Wait, what were you guys doing exactly, to break it?’ Shan cuts in before Stephanie stifles a giggle. ‘And why wasn’t I invited?’

I cringe internally as I hear the others start to laugh and I know I’m looking crimson in megapixels in a million people’s living rooms right now. We should’ve just told them it was us. God, now we look even worse. At least they’re laughing, I guess…

‘I just had to make sure everyone here knows they can’t trust Joshua,’ Journey starts.

‘Oh please, yogi, you were planning to use that information for bribery,’ Shan says. ‘You’re not too hot at it though, are you? You do know what bribery is, don’t you?’

Jaxx snorts.

‘You didn’t have the balls to face Joshua alone in order to bribe him, did you?’ Punk says now. ‘That’s why you waited for now. You want to twist our votes at the last minute.’

‘Journey breathes deeply like a dragon. ‘Can you blame me? Joshua’s already proven himself a murderer…’

‘A murderer?’ Ed repeats, coolly.

‘The fish, the snake, the goat,’ she starts. I roll my eyes. Journey’s not the hippy at all here – she’s the villain. It’s always the quiet ones. Every frickin’ season.

‘Ah, the goat,’ Ed nods his head. ‘Yes. You seemed pretty emotional when it came to that goat today, Journey. What upset you most about the killing, exactly?’

She draws a breath. ‘Look, I know you all might think I’m crazy but I don’t agree with what you made us do and I think as the obvious unofficial leader of this group, Joshua had the chance to make a stand. And he didn’t. Instead
he
organized the murder.’

‘Oh yeah, real criminal, that one,’ Shan says boredly. ‘Watch out world.’

Before anyone can add anything else to the mess the screen’s flashing on again. ‘Let’s take another look at today’s goat feast, shall we?’ Ed says and instantly we’re transported back to the fire. There are Jaxx and Joshua skinning the goat, tying it to some posts and hanging its headless body over the blazing coals. There’s Journey, watching it all from the sidelines, scowling, then pretending to meditate beneath a palm tree like an angel.

They’re showing us a few hours later now, slicing up the meat, taking it over to the shoreline on our banana leaves and tucking in with bare hands. Joshua’s head is next to mine and Shan's - we’re sitting away from the others. And there’s Journey again, this time alone, looking at us all eating, sniffing the air.

She’s walking towards the cooked goat, tentatively. For a second I expect her to do something stupid, like throw sand or mud on it, or say another prayer, but as Ed beams to the side of us we all watch as Journey does something crazier. She takes a fork, stabs it into the meat and lifts a giant chunk of it into her mouth. Then she runs off into the forest. 

Oh my god.

The screen goes blank again. Jaxx and Punk both burst out laughing and when I spin around, Journey is fuming. Shan’s shaking her by the shoulders, laughing uncontrollably; even Joshua’s grinning. Journey shakes Shan off. Her fists are clenched around her long hair. She looks like she’s about to break out of her skin and explode into the Incredible Hulk.

‘Journey. Before today, how long had it been since you’d eaten meat?’ Ed asks her, arms still folded. His voice is borderline taunting and right on cue she cracks.

‘I was starving!’ she cries. ‘And Punk ate the fish!’

‘He couldn’t wait for the goat,’ Stephanie tells her, ‘he needed food, he was weak after his fall, we didn’t have anything else.’

‘I didn’t know I ate all the fish,’ Punk responds, looking confused and slightly traumatized. It’s true, he didn’t. The poor guy was in a cloud of mortification all afternoon; even though we thought it was pretty funny that a med student could pass out at the sight of blood. The others are
all
laughing now.

‘This show is evil,’ Journey blurts. ‘Seriously…’

‘On that note,’ Ed interrupts, as the stage lights start to flicker around us, ‘it’s time for the votes. Now remember castaways, Alyssa has immunity so if anyone has the charm it can’t be used right now. When you’re ready, one by one.’

A bonfire is blazing to the left, casting us in dramatic smoke as we’re each floodlit the whole way to the booth with a camera on our trail. With shaking hands I write Journey’s name on the paper, show it to the camera and viewers at home with what I hope is more of a remorseful look than one of utter loathing, and drop it into the voting box.

Ed has to be filmed walking to the booth three times. The first time he trips on a rock. The second his hair is out of place, apparently. By the time he lifts the lid on the box and studies the votes my heart is booming so hard I’m afraid the mic’s going to pick it up.

It could go either way, I guess. Journey’s been a pain in everyone’s ass; Punk’s been weak in more ways than one, but what the hell are they thinking knowing I tried to switch their votes to keep Joshua in, in spite of being the one to destroy the sand couch? I’m the one who looks like she can’t be trusted now.
I’m
the one they might have voted out tonight if I didn’t have immunity. This is getting messy already.

Ed grins like a full moon. ‘The castaway with the most votes tonight,’ he starts, addressing us all with a look of deep, false concern. ‘The one you’ve decided should end their
Deserted
adventure… to burn their bandana right here on this open fire as a mark of both courage and defeat… is Journey. No surprises there, really, am I right?’