Before Hadley (25 page)

He reached for the hem of my shirt, only releasing my lips to tug it over my head. I grabbed at his shirt yanking it over his head. Then both of us were tugging off our own bottoms unable to get back to the other fast enough. I was turned on and needy. Needy for him to possess me. Possess me in a way his eighteen-year-old self hadn’t. Possess me in a way only his twenty-one-year-old self was capable of.

I pulled him down to me, my hands wrapping around the bulges in his biceps. He was jacked, so much more so than before. There wasn’t an ounce of fat on his body. He was defined, cut, and perfect. And currently turning me on.

He unlatched my hands from his arms, lifting my arms above my head. “Keep them up, Hadley. Let me look at you.” He sat back on his knees, his eyes burning into every inch of my skin, sweeping slowly and methodically. Like he was memorizing my body, in case he didn’t have another opportunity to see it.

Devoid of his body heat, the room chilled my skin. Goosebumps erupted all over. Conner seemed to notice, leaning down and rubbing his hands up from my ankles all the way to my thighs, his hands igniting a fire inside me. He trailed them up my hips, his fingers digging in, moving slowly up my sides. His thumbs purposely brushed the sides of my breasts.

A moan erupted from me.

“Oh, you like when I do this?”

I willed myself not to beg him for more. Not to cry at the absence of his touch for the past three years.

“Let’s see what else you like.” He leaned down, his mouth closing over my nipple, the gentle suction crossing my eyes. “Oh, you still like when I do this.”

My breathing became labored as I fought to keep my hands above my head.

My breast popped free from his mouth. “I want you so bad,” he murmured into my chest before sucking the other nipple into his mouth. One of his hands slid down my stomach to  between my legs. I groaned as his fingers skated over my wet skin. I lost all sense of reason as he slipped two fingers inside.

“Tell me you forgive me?” he murmured as his fingers pumped slowly in and out.

I whimpered softly, unable to say a word.

“That wasn’t an answer. I need you to tell me you forgive me. I need to hear you say it.” His fingers stopped moving, taking with them the ripples of pleasure he’d sparked.

My eyes popped open, flashing down to him staring up at me. “Is that all you want?”

His lips tipped up in the corners. “Do I look like that’s all I want?”

I didn’t even blink. “Yes.”

He grabbed me by the legs and twisted me onto my belly, covering my back with the weight of his body. His lips moved up the side of my neck as he sucked his way up to my ear. “I want all of you, you crazy girl. I want this beautiful body.” His left hand slid down the length of my side. “I want this beautiful mind.” He buried his lips in my hair and kissed me hard. “And I want every moment from here on out to be spent making you love me and only me. So, I’ll ask you again. Do you forgive me?”

I vibration of his heartbeat ricocheted against my back as his weight pushed me into the bed, his erection steel against my butt. “I want to. Every part of me wants to. But I can’t be that girl again.”

He dropped feather-light kisses all over my bare shoulders. “I just want you to be you.”

“Then don’t ask me if I
do
forgive you. Ask me if I
could
.”

He paused, giving my question the seriousness it deserved. “Could you forgive me, Hadley?”

“Yes,” I whispered, knowing without a doubt, it would take time. More time than we had before both of us shattered with need.

Conner flipped me over so quickly, I had no time to hold on. He smiled down at me, clearly pleased by my response. He reached for his jeans hanging off the side of the bed and dug into the pocket, pulling out a condom and slipping it on. “I need to look into your eyes.” He lowered his weight onto me, his knees on either side of my hips, his elbows by my head. “I need to see the second I’m inside of you again.”

I stared up into his eyes. The eyes of the guy I wanted in that moment. The guy I could very well love again one day. The guy I missed more than I realized—more than I thought possible.

As if he heard my thoughts, his lips crashed down on mine. My arms slipped around him, holding him to me, my knees bending and cradling him.

He pulled back. “I’ve thought about this for three years. What it would feel like. What I’d say. What you’d be like.”

“And?” I gasped.

“I fucking love you more than life itself, Hadley.” With one forceful thrust, he pushed inside me for the first time in three years. He groaned, low and feral.

I arched into him, his bare body gliding against mine, the friction electric. His anxious thrusts mirrored the desperation in his voice. I pulled him toward me, my lips taking control as my hips met his thrust for thrust. He filled me, stretching me wide. It was glorious, like no time had passed. Like nothing had changed between us. Like we hadn’t changed. His kisses became sloppy and wet, devouring my lips whole.

Needing a breath, I eventually pulled back, my head pushing into the pillow as my eyes rolled into the back of my head. He nuzzled into the crook of my neck, his tongue licking and his teeth nipping a path to my ear. He reached down and circled my right wrist with his hand, lifting it above my head. He held it there, lacing our fingers and bracing himself with it. I reached down with my left hand, my fingernails digging into his bare ass as he pounded into me over and over again, hitting spots inside me, spots no one since him had been able to reach.

“You are my everything, Hadley,” he murmured into my neck, the rasp in his voice and the certainty of his words firing sensations through me. “I’ve missed you so damn much.”

“I’ve missed you, too.”

My words ignited a fire in him. His hips thrust faster. Harder. Our anxious panting parted the silence in the room. Then the trembles deep inside me started, slow then fiercer as his thrusts became unyielding. An explosion of vibrations rocked through me jetting out to every neglected part of my soul. I gasped, as my body hummed and a blanket of calm fell over me. A stillness I’d only ever felt with him in my life.

He didn’t stop. He kept moving, grunting into my neck as his body glided over mine. Then, as if my release had pushed him over the edge, his hips pumped one last time, deep and hard, and his body froze, quivers taking hold of him. His weight slowly lowered down on me, crushing me into the bed.

I’d never felt so complete in my entire life.

“I’m never letting you go again,” he breathed.

“Prove it.”

Conner

The early morning sun peeked through the blinds in Hadley’s room as I turned over in her twin bed, wrapping my arms around her small body. I buried my nose into her hair, inhaling that strawberry scent I’d missed so damn much. At some point during the night, I’d let go of her, something I never thought I’d be capable of doing once I had her back in my life. She shifted, burrowing into my chest. I lay with her in my arms for a long time absorbing the moment, the reality of what had happened, and the possibilities that lay ahead for us.

In prison I realized my life was best described as two chapters. Before Hadley and After Hadley. Before Hadley, I was a shell of a guy. Sure I had confidence and girls, but I lived my life controlled by my father. Controlled by the fact that I was incapable of making it on my own. Incapable of cutting ties.

After I met Hadley, everything changed for me. I started thinking about a future. About the opportunities ahead of me. And in the end, I’d made it out to the other side unscathed. I moved through each day knowing I had a future and I was convinced Hadley would be part of it.

My phone vibrated on the nightstand, snapping me out of my head. Besides Hadley, only two people had my number. Vik and my PO. I released one arm carefully and grabbed the phone before it woke Hadley. I glimpsed the screen and accepted the call, whispering into the phone. “Hold on please, Sir.”

I slipped out from Hadley’s arms and dug my feet into my sneakers. I grabbed my clothes from the floor, slipping them on as I moved to the door and ducked into the hallway. “Sorry about that.” I kept my voice lowered so I didn’t wake Hadley or her entire floor. “What can I do for you?”

“You staying out of trouble?”

I leaned against the wall, dropping my head back against it. “Absolutely.”

“Good.” He paused. He never paused. He was straight-forward and most of our calls lasted no more than thirty seconds. “So, listen. The reason for my call is a little unorthodox.”

“Okay.”

“Your father contacted me.”

I stood in the empty hallway with that same familiar pit in the bottom of my stomach. The one I’d lived with growing up. The one that disappeared the moment I’d been behind bars—ironically enough.

“You still there?”

“I’m here,” I assured him, my pulse thumping in my ears.

“He wants to see you.”

What the ever-living-fuck? A brigade of unwelcome emotions rushed me at once. The anger that consumed my youth. The deep-rooted hate I had for him. The guilt I carried for my part in his arrest. What could he possibly have to say to me?

“Conner?”

“Still here.”

“Look, I’m no counselor. But it’s been three years since you’ve talked to him. You’re both grown men. Holding a grudge doesn’t do anyone any good.”

Yeah. That’s what he thought.

* * *

My hands twisted together on the worn wooden table in front of me. My eyes shot around, taking in the inmates meeting with their family members around the cold room. Their families looked upbeat and excited to be there. The inmates all looked the way I felt when I was in their place. Alone in a room full of people.

A heavy door in the far corner of the room clattered open. My eyes shot up. An older version of my father walked through the door in his matching khaki shirt and pants. His hair had turned entirely gray. His steps slower. 

He stepped up to the seat across from me. We both took a minute, observing the physical changes we’d both undergone. Acknowledging the passing of time. Recognizing the huge divide that existed between us—the same one that
always
existed between us. “Hi.” He lowered slowly into the seat. “Thanks for meeting me.”

I shrugged. As much as I didn’t want to see him, I knew I didn’t have a choice.

“You look good.”

“Thanks.”

He linked his fingers on the table, his eyes fixed on them. “How’d they treat you in there?”

“I held my own.”

He nodded. I wondered if he’d had similar experiences. Wondered if his longer sentence—even just the thought of it—had taken a toll on him. I didn’t dare ask. I didn’t want that shit in my head.

“Got my GED.”

He finally glanced up at me. “I always wanted that for you.”

“I know.” I found it difficult to meet his gaze. He
had
always wanted that for me. Just nothing more. He didn’t want me to reach my full potential. In school or on the baseball diamond. “I started work on my Bachelor’s degree.”

“That’s good.” He tried to smile, but I could see it was difficult for him. It was the first thing I’d done on my own. Without him pulling the strings.

My eyes shifted, landing on a young girl and her mother visiting an older inmate who stared at the girl like she hung the moon. I wondered if she had any shot at a bright future with a criminal as a dad. Maybe that’s why I felt the need to keep talking to mine. To keep proving to him that I’d done it. I’d broken free from a life of crime. I’d broken free from the future he laid out for me. “I’m not sure what I’ll major in, but now that I can actually attend real classes, I think I’ll be able to figure it out.”

“Sounds like you’ve got a plan.”

I nodded.

His voice lowered, like he didn’t want any of the other inmates or their families to overhear. “I didn’t do you any favors, did I?”

I stared across the table at this man who had lost everything. The majority because of his poor decisions, but some through no fault of his own. “You just got caught up in the wrong shit.”

He dropped his head, his voice lowering even more. “Your mom would’ve been so disappointed in me.”

I definitely had not expected that. “Yeah…she would’ve been. But she’d also be happy to know I made it out okay. My life is now on the straight and narrow. I’ve got a girl who I plan to marry someday. A degree that’s within reach. And if I play my cards right, I might even be able to earn a walk-on spot on the baseball team.”

His eyes held regret. And I kind of liked that they did. It meant he was human. And he could feel things again. “Do you ever think you could forgive me?”

I averted my gaze, watching the kid interact with her father. If Hadley could forgive me, then I knew I could forgive my father. Would I ever have a real relationship with him? Probably not any time soon. But I didn’t want to live a life filled with anger and regret. Holding onto it didn’t get anyone anywhere. When I glanced back to him, his eyes were hopeful. “Some day.”

* * *

The sun had slipped beyond the horizon as I ducked in the front door of Hadley’s building as a guy stepped outside. I approached her closed door unsure how to proceed. I’d sent her a text on my way to the prison and on my way home, but she never replied to either. I worried that meant she was having regrets. Me not being there when she woke up might’ve given her time to reconsider her promise to try to forgive me.