Before Hadley (24 page)

I returned to the table a little while later, letting Lorelei know I’d already called an Uber and was ready to head out. She hugged me hard and whispered that she wouldn’t be coming home. The girl was definitely taking advantage of the college experience. Good for her.

I smiled at the guy whose name I couldn’t even remember and made an excuse about not feeling well so he knew he had no shot at coming home with me. After my quick goodbye, I bolted to my awaiting car and settled inside the backseat. As we pulled away from the curb, I eyed the line of people outside the bar waiting to get in. The groups of girls laughing with their friends. The guys behind them checking out their skimpy outfits. The couples in tight embraces keeping each other warm on the cool night.

Was this what my life had come to? Rides home alone? Talking to guys in bars I had no interest in talking to? Feeling alone in a room full of people?

Before long, my driver pulled onto campus and the familiar cobblestone buildings materialized. When he pulled up at the curb in front of my place, I stepped out of the car, pulling my coat snuggly around me to ward off the crisp fall air that had descended without warning. I walked toward the front door, jarring when I spotted Conner sitting on the steps with his elbows dug into his knees and his hands clutched tightly together. “Conner?”

He glanced up, his eyes squinting at me.

I exhaled a deep breath, blowing wisps of hair up as I did. “What are you doing here?”

He patted the spot on the step beside him. “Sit with me.”

I contemplated standing for no other reason than to be difficult, but my boots were killing my feet and my curiosity proved too much to stand. I took a step forward and sat on the cold concrete beside him. His presence still overwhelmed me. His crisp scent still invaded my senses, burrowing in like a sweet memory. His imposing form still gave me a sense of security, like no one could hurt me when he was around. Ironic, given the fact that he was the one who kept hurting me.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“For three years I’ve held on to you. My memories of you. My feelings for you. My need for you in my life.” His voice carried a slight quiver. “My feelings never wavered. Not even a little.”

My guilty eyes cut to his.

“But being here has made me realize I need to give up.”

I swallowed back my surprise. I guess I never imagined he’d back down.

“Chasing you around. Trying to remind you of what we shared. It’s not me. The real me anyway. I want you, Hadley. Make no mistake about it. But I can’t force you to want me. And I can’t force you to forget what happened. I guess what I’m saying is…
I
need to be someone’s everything, too.”

My heart constricted, leaving a dull ache in my chest.

“Just because I made mistakes in the past, doesn’t mean I don’t deserve a future with someone who wants me for me. I deserve to be wanted, too.” He shrugged, brushing unexpectedly against me as he did. “Maybe this is what was supposed to happen. Maybe I needed you to teach me that lesson.” 

The finality of his words made me uneasy. Made me search for the right thing to say. Made me wonder if him leaving would make my life easier—better.

He stood up and faced me. “All I know is I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep feeling this way. I was supposed to be happy once I was released. But all I feel is…”

My eyes dropped to my knees, uncomfortable with my hand in his unhappiness.

“I don’t blame you, Hadley. What happened with us sucked. And I shouldn’t have been pressuring you to forget it.” He shook his head. “I should’ve never come here.”

I looked up at him. Like really looked at him. His hair had begun to grow back. The stubble on his chin was thicker. The light dusting of freckles still graced his nose. His long eyelashes still fanned over the tops of his cheeks. His full lips, the ones I’d spent hours kissing when I was younger, were still just as inviting.

So much time had passed. And though parts of our younger selves still remained, we’d grown. Life had taught us both valuable lessons. Lessons I’d been too naïve to know existed in the real world. But now I knew. Good things did eventually come to an end. And Conner and I were no different.

“Hadley?”

I blinked, realizing he’d spoken. “Yeah?”

“Thank you for all the memories. Regardless how this turned out, I’ll still cherish them and think of them as some of the best times of my life.”

If words had the power to destroy, his words—his honesty—crushed me.

“I don’t think I’m gonna stick around.” His eyes focused on anything but me. “I can take classes anywhere. I was only here for…well, you know.”

I nodded, my heart cracking like a spider web of glass.

“I’ll let you know before I take off. Just in case you want to know.”

Unexpectedly, my eyes pricked with tears. This was happening. He was actually leaving. Leaving for good.

He buried his hands in his pockets. “Bye, Hadley.”

I watched as he turned away, each step taking him further away from me. Inside, I was screaming for him to stop. For him to give me more time. For him to fight harder. But the words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. I couldn't stop him. I couldn't give him a reason to stay.

Once he’d disappeared into the darkness, I sat for a long time wondering if I’d just made the biggest mistake of my life.

CHAPTER TWENTY

Hadley

A week had passed since Conner walked out of my life for the second time. He hadn’t called to let me know he’d left, but he probably decided not to bother. It wasn’t like he owed me anything. I’d been the one who wouldn’t accept his apologies. The one who ignored his attempts to prove himself. The one who let him go.

I’d stopped partying with Lorelei. Instead, I’d spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts. I realized that while partying distracted me, it hadn’t fixed my issues. That took time. Time without Jake. Without Conner—showing up or sending gifts. Without letters bombarding my every thought. Time alone. Time to process everything that had happened since Conner showed up on campus.

My phone rang as I made my way across the quad after my afternoon chemistry class. Once I saw the name on the screen, I paused nervously before lifting it to my ear. “Hi, Dad.”

“Hey. Just checking in on my girl. I haven’t talked to you in a while.” I could hear how much he missed me, and it killed me to know I still hadn’t been honest with him.

“Yeah, I figured you were avoiding me,” I teased.

His hearty laughter carried over the line. “Never.”

“Well, actually…you may want to after I tell you something I’ve been holding off telling you.”

“What’s wrong?” He immediately went into serious detective mode.

I approached a bench and dropped down onto it. “Well, on the plus side, I haven’t been expelled, arrested, and I’m not pregnant.”

“Hadley,” he warned in that tone that said he was in no mood for jokes.

“I just need for you to not flip out.”

“I can’t promise that.”

“Then I’m not telling you.” I stared out at the other students rushing across the quad to their next classes, wondering if what I was about to do would relieve some of my guilt. I hadn’t realized how much keeping a secret from my parents would wear on me.

“Fine,” he relented. “I promise.”

I pulled in a deep breath. “Conner—Caynan showed up on campus the day he was released.”

“I’ll kill him.” The anger in his voice told me he would.

“Dad, you promised.”

He sighed, staying silent for a long time. So long I wondered if he’d texted campus police while still on the phone with me. “Continue.”

“He wanted to apologize. Wanted to make amends.”

“Did he hurt you?”

Had he hurt me? Or had I done it to myself this time? “No, he didn’t hurt me. I actually sent him away.”

“That’s my girl.”

A breeze carried some leaves in front of me, swirling them at my feet. “But I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and…would it be wrong to forgive him?”

“Oh, Hadley.” He morphed back into dad mode. "It’s never wrong to forgive someone. Forgiveness is really about you. It releases you of anger.”

“Wow. I did not expect that.”

He laughed. “See. I can be reasonable. Now if you said you wanted to date him again, it would be a different story.”

I laughed to myself.

“Would you be upset if I called campus police—just to let them know he’s been around?” he asked.

“Of course I’d be upset. He’s not going to hurt me. He’s not even here anymore.”

“Can I ask why you decided to tell me now?” my dad asked.

“It just felt wrong keeping it a secret from you and Mom.”

“You never want to keep things from the people who matter to you,” he assured me. “They’re the ones who always deserve the truth.”

* * *

I hurried into the cafeteria to grab a quick breakfast after philosophy the following morning. I reached for the last cranberry muffin in the bakery section as another hand reached for the same one. “Oh, sorry.” I pulled my hand back, turning to the person who’d grabbed it. Conner’s pixie friend with a bright red bow in her hair stood there with the muffin in her hand and a death-glare on her face.

“Bitch.”

I jerked a glance over my shoulder, but no one stood there. I looked back at her scowling face. “Tell me how you really feel.”

“Nah. That would take all day,” she said, the hate in her eyes transparent.

“Well, hey, enjoy the muffin,” I said as I turned away from her. “Be sure to choke on it.” Her quiet laughter stopped me and I spun back around.

She stood there looking slightly amused. “He said you were feisty.”

I cocked my head. “I thought I was a bitch?”

“Yeah, that, too” She turned and handed her dining card to the cashier.

“Did he leave yet?”

She snorted, her head glancing over her shoulder. “Careful. Someone might think you actually care.”

“I never said I didn’t care about him.”

She walked over to me. “Well you have a screwed up way of showing it.”

I narrowed my eyes. Who was
she
to tell me how to handle Conner?

“Come sit with me,” she said, turning and grabbing a handful of napkins.

I glanced over my shoulder again. Still no one but me.

“I hate eating alone,” she continued, walking to one of the empty tables in the corner of the room and sitting down.

Was this girl for real?
My curiosity carried me toward the table.

“Sit.”

I slipped into the seat across from her as she split the muffin and handed me half. I stared down at it. “Did you poison it when I wasn’t looking?”

She laughed. Like really laughed. “He said you were funny too.”

Our interaction was getting stranger by the minute. “Look, I don’t know what else he told you, but—”

“He loves you.” She lifted her bony shoulder. “That’s what he told me. What else is there to know?”

“There’s more to it than that.” I broke off a piece of muffin and popped it in my mouth.

“The way I see it, a hot guy spent three years paying for his crimes. He got out a changed man and headed right here because he wants
you
. What more do you want?”

I popped another piece of muffin into my mouth, knowing I didn’t have an answer. I didn’t doubt Conner loved me. And to be honest, I was tired of not trusting him.

“Just so you know, he’s got his pick of girls.”

“Yeah. Nothing I haven’t seen before.”

“For what it’s worth, he hasn’t touched a single one.” Her lips twitched. “The guy could be a priest.”

“Yeah, well, he’s not really into forward girls. He’s more into the chase.”

Her sad eyes stared across the table at me for a long time before she spoke. “Until he’s not anymore.”

I averted my gaze, snagging the eyes of a girl in my chemistry class who smiled at me from across the room. I tried to smile back, but my eyes shifted back to the girl in front of me. “So, is he still around?”

* * *

I sat on the concrete steps in front of my building. My body trembled nervously as I watched people pass by on their way to their dorms. It was after nine and wispy clouds from my breath floated in front of my face as I pushed out a deep breath.

The sound of more footsteps trailed over from the right of my building. My heart surged as Vik and Conner approached, walking down the sidewalk engrossed in a conversation. Conner didn’t notice me sitting there—or at least he tried like hell not to notice—as they made their way by. Vik stopped abruptly in front of my building.

Conner took a couple more steps before stopping and turning toward her. “What are you doing?”

She didn’t answer, but I assumed her eyes cut to me because his head whirled around and he found me sitting on the steps. Vik walked over to him. She said something as she patted his chest and walked away, leaving him standing alone.

I took another deep breath and let it out slowly. I hadn’t really considered what I’d say once Vik got him near my place. “You’re still here.”

He nodded. “I told you I’d let you know before I took off.”

The tapping inside my chest kept a steady tempo. “I was hoping I’d run into you.”

His eyes narrowed. “Why’s that?”

I swallowed down the nervous lump in my throat. “I’ve never done it before, but I could probably teach you to ride a bike.”

His face filled with a mix of confusion and disbelief as he took a step toward me.

There was no stopping now. “And my mom does some fundraising for animal shelters. So if you’re looking to get a dog, we might look there first.”

His eyes were locked on mine as he continued walking slowly toward me “You read my letters?”

I nodded.

A look of hope swept over his features as he took the remaining steps, stopping directly in front of me. “And?”

I shrugged. “I’m confused.”

He dropped to his haunches in front of me, his big hands cupping my cheeks and forcing my eyes on his. The feel of his hands on my skin warmed them, numbing them in a way I hadn’t felt in three years. “I’m not stupid enough to think it won’t take time, but I will prove to you I’m the guy you want. The guy you need.” He sounded so sincere—so convinced he could do it.

“How can you think it’ll be easy?”

He dropped his forehead to mine, the action taking me back in time. “Because I love you. I love that you challenge me. I love that we argue but it doesn’t change my feelings for you. I love that I’ve never felt more alive than when I’m with you. Whether we’re on the top of a water tower or watching a train pass by, I just want to do everything with you by my side.”

I pulled in a shaky breath as my eyes glazed with tears. It was one thing to read his feelings on paper, but hearing them right from his lips overwhelmed me.

“I love you enough for the both of us right now,” he assured me. “I’ve had three years to think about my feelings for you. You’ve spent those years hating me. I know you must be confused, but I promise, I’ll do everything in my power to gain your trust. I’ll stay by your side or keep my distance while you figure it out. Whatever you need. The ball is in your court. You call the shots.”

Gahhhh
.

His candor and desperation blindsided me. I felt lightheaded, dizzy from the depth of his words. “I know I don’t want to lose you—”

His smile spread so wide you’d think I told him I’d forgiven him.

“But I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fully trust you.”

He nodded. “The only way to gain your trust is to prove you can trust me. I know that. I just need you to give me time to do it.”

I stared into his eyes. Being that close, it was as if I’d been transported back three years. “How can you be sure it wasn’t your loneliness talking in the letters? How do you know you weren’t wrapped up in me because I was familiar?”

“You are the only person who has ever given me hope. The only person who has ever shown me love. The only person who has ever given me all of herself and made me want to do the same. I won’t let you down again. I promise. I
will
kiss you every morning for the rest of your life. If you let me.”

It was all too good to be true. The poignancy of his words. The sincerity in his eyes. I’d been in that spot before and look where I ended up. “I don’t know if I believe you.”

That slow-spreading cocky smirk lifted his lips right before they crashed down on mine. His tongue plunged inside my mouth. There was nothing gentle about it. This was three years’ worth of pent-up frustration. He was proving his words. Proving his apology. Proving his love for me. His hands stayed on my face, turning it to fit with his before they dropped to lift me up like I weighed nothing at all. My legs locked around his hips as he climbed the steps and slammed my back into the front door. My hands slid behind his neck rough and desperate.

I wanted to hate what he was doing. Hate the feel of his lips as they consumed mine. Hate the feel of his hands clutching my ass. Hate the force of his body pressing up against mine. But the truth was, for me this kiss was three years’ worth of resentment. I was punishing him for the pain he caused me—the unnecessary pain. For the love I once had for him. For making me feel again.

I dropped one hand and pulled my key card from my pocket. He ripped it from my hand and somehow managed to use it to unlock the door with my back pressed against it and his lips devouring mine.

Once the front door opened, Conner tore down the hallway. “Room twelve,” I said against his lips. He pinned me against the door to my room, using my key card to unlock it. He shoved it open, causing us to practically fall inside. Once he’d kicked the door shut, he carried me to my bed. He lowered me onto my back and followed me down, his weight heavy on top of me.

We didn’t break contact. We were grabbing and pushing and maniacal. Everything felt so right in that moment. It was as if, with our tongues melding and our teeth clashing, I’d forgotten the pain. The anger. The humiliation. I just wanted his hands on me. His mouth on me. His body one with mine.