Becca (7 page)

“Do
you
think she’s pretty?” I asked.
 

“Of course. But I don’t have a crush on her, like you do.”

“Wh-what are you talking about?” Tell me this isn’t happening, that it’s just stress and sleep deprivation that’s causing me to think she’s onto me.

“When David was talking the other night and you said he was the last person you’d sleep with, you kept looking over at Natasha.”

“Maybe I was embarrassed about what she would think because she’s my best friend.”

“You watch her all the time.”

“And you know this because?”

“Because I watch you all the time, too.” she admitted. “And then when she looks up at you for anything, or when you’re talking, you keep glancing away and blushing, like you think she’s going to figure you out.”

“You’re imagining things.”

“Maybe. I don’t think so, though.”

“Why are we having this discussion?”

“Because I think you should tell her.”

“Okay, well, you’re just wrong, and... I’m glad we had this talk.” I slid off the hood.

“You’ll feel better with it out in the open. Even if she doesn’t feel the same way.”

Sure I will. Hey Tasha, I love you. What’s that? Oh, you hate my guts and no longer want to be my friend. Sure. Hey, maybe she’ll wander off alone, because I make her uncomfortable, and then she can go off by herself and die.

“What makes you the expert?”I asked. I was staring down the road, unable to look at her. 

“My Mom was in love with one of our neighbors last year.”

“I thought your Mom and Dad...”

“Dad knew. Later. She told him. But she was in love with this guy, and he was their friend, and it was awkward. And she eventually told him. He completely rejected her, but she felt better. It was a relief just knowing it was over.”

“And your Dad stayed with her?”

“She still loves him, too. I think it’s complicated. But it’s not like she cheated on him or anything. She told him about it.”

“He wasn’t jealous?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

I got back up on the hood. I don’t want to go inside right now, anyway. I’d just wind up staring at Tasha. Maybe she’s right, maybe I should just tell her.

“What about you?” I asked. “Apparently you’re here because my sister decided to play matchmaker.”

“I’d probably be dead if she didn’t. What about me?”

“You’re not... jealous?”

“I barely know you, and I know how you feel about me. You think I’m just a kid and you aren’t interested.”

“Sorry.”

“At least I know. I haven’t loved you as long as you’ve loved Natasha.”

“You
love
me?” That’s scary.
 

“Sort of.” She doesn’t even seem embarrassed. This girl is really brave.

“Okay, well, that’s just because of all the crap we’re going through and that I’m you’re only option. You don’t know me.”

“I think I’d really like you anyway, no matter what. But who knows, you could be right. Even if that’s the case, so? It doesn’t change how I feel.”

“Oh.” This is some hero worship thing because I saved her, I bet. “So what if you’re right? What if I am, and I tell her, and it goes bad?”

“It would be done then, at least.”

“She’s not a lesbian.”

“So? Life’s too short to worry about labels.”

“Where’d you hear that?” I asked, laughing.

“There’s a gay-straight group I’m part of online.”

“I just don’t know.”

So this girl is actually sort of deep and thoughtful for a kid. I hope we find someone for her one day. Just not me. I can definitely see why Bridget would think I’d be interested in her, though. I’m just not. I don’t know, if we’re still here in a few years, and if there’s nobody else alive, maybe I’d be interested. Maybe.

I was sitting up for my shift later that night, standing watch while they all slept, and I kept playing with the radio with hopes of finding some information. Any information at all.

“Are there any cookies left?” Tasha asked. She was on the stairs. We moved into the bedrooms upstairs a couple of nights ago. Second floor has to be safe, right? Nobody could reach the windows.

“Don’t know.”

“Score!” she said, pulling out five or six Oreos. “Here, have some.”

“No thanks.”

“Any news?” she asked, pointing at the radio. She opened the cookie and licked the center.

“No. Maybe Mom and Dad will be back soon and we’ll be able to leave and look for other people.”

“Maybe.”

She sat next to me and patted my leg. She’s giving me that sad, ‘I’m so sorry to be the one to tell you this’ look. I hate that look. Even on her.

“I still have hope.” she said.

“Me too.”

“But I’ve been thinking the past couple of days about it. There’s a very good chance I’ll never see my parents again. Even if they are alive.”

“You will. Tasha, you will!”

“I’m just being realistic, Becca. And I think they’re dead, really. It sucks, and I miss them, but with six billion other people dead I just don’t have the energy to feel too overwhelmed by their deaths. That sounds awful. I just mean they’re only two people, and all those others died too.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“We have to start planning on what happens next.”

“Mom and Dad...”

“Becca, you know there’s a good chance they aren’t coming. They would have been here by now.”

“You don’t know that!”

“No, I don’t. And they could show up in a few days and that would be great. I love your Mom and Dad almost like they were my own. I’m just saying... don’t get your hopes up. I can’t have you falling apart on us now. You’re the strong one here. I flake out every time I see a spider, I sure as heck can’t think of what to do if we’re being attacked by a bunch of rabid zombies, or whatever they are.”

Zombies. They aren’t zombies. They die if you shoot them. They’re human. Stop calling them zombies. Just because they attack and bite people and seem blood thirsty doesn’t mean they’re zombies.

“I’m weak.” I said. “It took me forever to admit that I’m gay.”

“But you did. And you feel better, right?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“See, you are strong.”

“Yeah.” I’m so strong I can’t tell her. Except I have to, eventually. “Tasha,” Why not now? “There’s something I need to tell you. The situation could be better,” I actually laughed. “But I just... have to say it.”

“Okay.”

“See, um,” I looked away from her. Why is it so hard to say things like this? “You don’t have to respond to this in any way, and don’t feel like you have to do or say anything. This isn’t about you, it’s about me, and I just need this out there. I know... how you feel already, I just need to say it out loud.”

“Say it.” she said. “Whatever it is.”

“I’m... in love with you.”

She didn’t say anything. I told her she didn’t have to, but I actually expected her to at least tell me she was sorry, but she couldn’t think of me like that. Or tell me that I was being silly. I didn’t expect her to ignore me.

“I’m sorry if that bothers you. I didn’t mean it to.”  

“It doesn’t, Becca. I just don’t know what to say to that.”

“I’m sorry.” Great, start crying. Brilliant.

“Don’t.” She hugged me. “I'm flattered. You know I love you, but...”

“But you’re not gay.”

“No. I mean I’m open minded and all, but I’m not sure I could think of
any
girl that way.”
 

“I know. I just needed to say it.”

“I’m sorry. Please don’t let this come between us, Becca. You’re my favorite person in the world. It would kill me if you were mad at me over this.”

“Me mad? What... no, I just thought
you’d
be mad at
me
.”

“No. Rebecca, I value your opinion more than anyone’s. If you think so highly of me... that just feels really good, okay. Don’t worry about it.”

“So we’re good?”

“Yeah, still best friends. Forever.”

Wednesday, April 13
^th
 

I made bacon and eggs for breakfast for everyone. It needed used anyway. This

is just about the last of our food. We have a few cans of beans and some corn, but nothing that makes a healthy meal.

“I want everyone to get ready to go when you’re done eating.” I told them. Natasha put her spoon down and swept her hair back behind her ears. “We’re getting low on food.”

“We’re supposed to stay here until Mom and Dad get back.” Bridget said.

“We need food.”

“We can get by for a couple of days until they come.” she said. 

“No, we’re going.”

“What if they show up while we’re gone?”

“I don’t know” I told her. “We’ll leave a note.”

“Well then why don’t you just go by yourself?”

“You’re coming.”

“No.” she said defiantly. 

“I vote we stay here.” David said.

“Yeah, see.” Bridget said, her face twisted in anger. “Me too. I’m staying.”

“This isn’t a democracy! You’re coming.”

“You’re not my boss, Becca.”

“Yes, I am. Dad said...”

“Well when they show up I’m going to tell them how...”  

“They’re not coming!” I shouted at her. I slammed my spoon down next to the bowl and slid the chair out.

They’re all staring at me. Amber and David look scared of me now. Bridget is crying and she is looking at me like
I
killed them. Tasha is giving me this look that says I handled this all wrong.
 

“You don’t know that.” Bridget mumbled. “They could be here any day.”

“Bridget, they would be here by now.”

“You don’t know that!” She shouted at me. She actually threw her spoon at me.

“Bridge,”

“Shut up!”

I blew this. Tasha looks so upset with me. What would you have me do, Tash?

I went around the table and wrapped my arms around Bridget. She struggled against me at first, but I kept holding her. Eventually she let me hug her and we cried together.

“I’m sorry, honey.” I said. “I really hope they get here soon, okay? But we have to continue doing the right things until they do. Dad made me responsible for you, and there is no way I’m leaving you here where you could get hurt or killed and I won’t be around to take care of you.”