Becca (2 page)

Except none of them will have Tasha’s cute little way of laughing. None will have her pretty blonde hair. None will have that spot on her back that is so ticklish. None of them will know what makes me cry, or makes me laugh, or how I’m terrified to be alone, even for ten minutes when everyone goes to the store. They won’t have the shared experiences like I have with Tasha, where something can happen and we can just glance at each other and smile because we both are reminded of the exact same thing.

“Are you awake, Tasha?” I asked. Her bed is across the room from mine, and I said it softly in case she had already gone to sleep. I didn’t want to wake her.

“Barely.” she replied.

“If I tell you something, will you promise to keep it a secret?”

“Did you steal that twenty dollars from Miss Freeman?”

Miss Freeman is our Spanish teacher. Last week she had twenty dollars disappear from her purse, which was locked in her desk all day. She swears one of the students figured out how to get into the drawer and took her twenty dollars.

“You know if I had I would have gotten a whole bunch of M&Ms and shared them with you.” I joked. 

“So what’s your secret?” she asked. I could hear her rolling on her side, facing me, even if I couldn’t really see her too well in the dark.

“Well, um...” Actually, it being dark sort of helps, I think. “I’m a lesbian.”

“Oh. That’s nice.”

“That’s nice? That’s all you have to say?”

“Well what do you want, Becca? You want me to be your wing girl?”

“Wait, you’re not like shocked or anything?”

“Well,” She paused for a few seconds, like she was trying to figure what to say without insulting me. “Not really, Becca.”

“So you already knew?”

“No. I’m just not surprised.”

“Oh. So you’re not freaked out by it or anything?”

“Why would I be? Look, I’m tired, I’m going to sleep. We can talk in the morning about how to scope out girls for you, okay?”

“Um, okay.”

I’ve told two people, scared to death how they’d react, and their reaction has completely been nothing. Like it’s not important at all. What the heck?

“I think Kendra Logan might be bi.” Tasha said.

“Kendra’s a total skank. What makes you think I’d remotely be interested in her?”

“Aw come on, she’s not that bad. Just because people say she does all that stuff doesn’t mean she really does. And she’s not bad looking.”

“Her hair is always a total mess.”

“See, this is where you come in.” she said. I could
hear
her smiling. “You clean her up, make her look all classy and cute. Girl has potential, I’m telling you.”
 

“And you think
I’m
the one to bring that out in her?” I asked, laughing.
 

“I have faith in you. Now go to sleep, Becca.”

“Goodnight.”

Wednesday, April 6
^th
 

It was weird, sitting there at breakfast and not talking about what I told Mom and Tasha

yesterday. They don’t even know that each other know. I can tell Tasha wants to talk, but she’s not because she doesn’t think I want my parents to know. I mean Dad doesn’t know yet, unless Mom told him, so I guess it’s best. Except he just left, and she’s still not talking.

“Hurry up, Bridge.” Tasha shouted up the stairs. We give Bridget a ride to school most days. She goes to the middle school, and it’s on the way to the high school.

“Mom,” I said. I waited for her to stop cleaning her cereal bowl and turn toward me. “Is it okay if I tell Bridget, or do you want me to wait on that?”

“Tell her what, Becca?” she asked. “Oh.” She glanced over at Tasha.

“I told her about it last night.” I said. I hoped she wouldn’t think I meant I told Tasha everything. If she said anything about me being in love with her I think I’d die.

“Its up to you, Rebecca.”

“I just didn’t want to say anything. I mean in case you thought she was still too impressionable or something.”

“Well honey, judging from the googly eyes she keeps making at the boy down the street, I think her sexual orientation is pretty well set at this point. I seriously doubt you’ll influence her in that arena.”

“Okay. Good.”

The thing is, Bridget sort of looks up to me. She’s thirteen, and I’m her big sister, so I guess that makes sense. She’ll actually probably get a kick out of it if I tell her. Like it’s special that I trust her enough to tell her. I mean I guess I do, though. She’s a good kid, she won’t make this harder than it has to be.

“Mrs. Lang, your youngest has a serious problem getting ready in time in the morning.” Tasha said to Mom. “Is it okay if I go drag her outside, even if she’s half naked? We’re going to be late.”

“By all means.” Mom told her. And then, when Natasha was gone, she sat by me. “You told her?”

“Not everything. Just that I’m gay.”

“What was her reaction?”

“She was cool about it. She already started talking about trying to set me up with other girls.”

“You should take her up on that. If she can help, that’s great.”

“Yeah. So... um, what would it be like if... like if I brought a date home?”

“I just want you to be happy, honey.”

“What about Dad?”

“I think your father would handle it.”

“You didn’t tell him, did you?”

“I promised you I wouldn’t if it wasn’t something he needed to know.”

“Oh.” Good. I’m glad I can trust her. “Do you... um, think you can?”

“If you’d like.”

“Do you really think he’ll take it okay?”

“Your father loves you, Rebecca. I’m sure he’ll want you to be happy.”

“Okay.”

“Hey, try to keep Tasha away from the television today.” she warned.

“What’s going on?”

“They keep talking about bombs in Europe. I’m sure her parents are fine, but there’s no point scaring her until they’ve figured out where was bombed and what they were hit with.”

“Yeah. When is this going to end, Mom?”

“I wish I knew, honey. All we can do right now is pray for it to be over soon.”

“I guess.”

“Don’t worry about it right now. Things will work out. Soon, I’m sure.”

“I hope. I better go see if I can speed those two up.”

“Try to have a good day, honey.”

Bridget didn’t even have her shoes on yet. She is so incredible slow. I grabbed her shoes and hauled them to the car, figuring she’d follow. She can put them on in the car.

“Hey Bridge,” I said. We were several blocks from home. I looked back and she was still struggling with her shoes. “I want to tell you something that I’ve only trusted two other people with. It’s something important to me.”

“Did you steal the twenty dollars?”

“Why does everyone think I’m a thief!” I shouted. This is really offensive. “I’m not a thief!”

“Chill, I was just kidding.”

“We’ve already covered that.” Tasha said, laughing.

“I’m gay, Bridget.”

“What?” she sat up quickly. “Oh my Gosh! Are you serious?”

“Completely.”

“That’s so cool! My sister is gay. Cool!”

“What is wrong with you people?” I asked, laughing. “I haven’t gotten the expected reaction out of
anyone
. I hear all these stories, I read about people telling their family, and there’s so many horror stories.”
 

“Well Becca, in your family did you really expect that? You have a really understanding family. They all love you, of course they’re going to accept it if it makes you happy.”

“Well... I mean it’s not about me being happy, it’s about me being honest. With myself.”

“This is so cool!” Bridget repeated. “Do you have a girlfriend?”

“No.”

“There’s this girl in one of my classes, and...”

“I’m not dating a child.”

“Ugh! She’s a year older than me, and I’m not a child.”

“Sorry squirt, you really are.” Tasha told her.

“A year older than you would still make her three years younger than I am.” I said. “That’s gross.”

“Oh, but it would be okay if there was some twenty year old that wanted to date you?”

“It’s not the same. I’m not a child.”

“Well you’re not exactly an adult, either.” Tasha said. “And yeah, it’d kinda be gross, Becca.”

“Okay, well, this is all academic at this point. I’m not...
out
, ya know? So you can’t tell anyone, Bridget. Promise me.”
 

“Aw, it’s not like any of my friends would tell people.”

“Not yet. Please. Don’t make me regret trusting you.”

“Okay, okay.”

The world didn’t change. I came out to my family and best friend and everything is the same. At least so far. Mostly. Nobody at school is staring at me or making remarks about it. Of course nobody else knows.

“Becca,” Natasha said, nudging me with her elbow. “How about Jenny Lewis?”

“What?”

“She might be. When was the last time you saw her even look at a guy?”

“Stop. I don’t want to do this.”

“Oh come on, Becca. I’m just trying to help. Hey, I’d love it if you found someone special, someone who makes
you
feel special. You deserve it.”
 

“Well not today. Please don’t embarrass me.”

“I was just making a suggestion.”

“I gotta get to class. See you later.”

I do deserve someone who makes me feel special. Don’t I? Maybe I don’t. Maybe I’m so messed up that I just fall in love with the one person I can’t ever have, with the sole purpose of punishing myself. For what, though? I don’t know. Maybe for not being honest about how I felt since the third grade, when I first figured out that I had a crush on Natasha.

I was thinking about Tasha’s mom and dad being stuck in a war zone, and how terrified she must be. I was in third hour, and Mr. Walters was droning on and on about something, and I was ignoring him. And then there was an announcement over the PA that classes were being canceled for the rest of the week, that all students were to go home immediately.

“What’s going on?” April shouted. She was crying already. “Mr. Walters?”

“Just follow the instructions, April.”

He went to the corner of the room and turned on the television. There were scrolling bars across the bottom saying we were under attack. The screen showed a thick fog, and people running and screaming from it. Before the camera panned away, a man stumbled from a building that had been enveloped by the fog, and his skin was sagging, almost like it was dripping off his face.