Beauty in Disguise (26 page)

“It is a pleasure to see you, ma’am.”

“Kathryn, why don’t you invite your friend to the porch and I’ll bring you both that lemonade.”

“Miss Mattingly, I thank you for your hospitality, but I was hoping I could talk privately with Lady Kathryn. Perhaps we might walk together? I promise I will remain out of doors and in plain sight.”

“That sounds wonderful, my lord. Kathryn has been working diligently all morning. A nice walk is exactly what she needs. I will keep your lemonade to fortify you when you return.”

What on earth was happening? They stood discussing her as if she was not even present. You would think they had been fast friends their whole lives!

“Lady Kathryn, will you join me?” He put his hand down to help her rise.

She did not wish to argue with him in front of her old governess, so she preceded him out of the gate. “Matty,” she said over her shoulder, “we shall just walk around the duck pond. We will not be gone long.”

“Take your time, dear.”

They were silent at first, but he took one of her hands, entwined his fingers with hers and brought it to his lips to kiss. “It seems to me as if we have been in this position many times. Whenever I am near you, I feel the urge to hold your hand. I can even remember the first time I kissed your hand and stared into the depths of your deep blue eyes so long ago in London.” He said it with a smile, and she knew he meant to put her at ease.

He released her hand. She felt bereft of it the minute the hold was broken, but she could not take it back.

“How did you find me?” She looked at him seriously and asked, “How is Father?”

“Your father is getting a little stronger all the time. But he is very sad you did not come to him when you left that day.”

“You mean hurt. He is very hurt that I did not go home. It is one more hurt to be added to the list.”

“He is sad, Kathryn. Just sad. He was pretty certain this is where you were. He said you mentioned the safety of Miss Mattingly’s home when you went to see him.”

“And he told you.”

“Yes, he did. While
he
was certain, I was not. I needed to know you were all right.”

“It seems you are always checking to see that I am all right.”

“And it seems you are always running away, so I must be certain.”

“We have been at cross-purposes for a long time.”

He lost his amiability as quickly as it had come. “God’s truth, Kathryn, I have so many things to say to you, I hardly know where to begin.” He ran his hand through his hair. She almost smiled at the endearing gesture she now knew so well. But she could not tell him that.

“I am sorry you have come all this way to be sure of my safety, but I do appreciate it. Having both admitted our follies in the past, perhaps we may cry peace and remember the splendid friendship we began so long ago.”

“No,” he growled. “You know I want more. We were friends in the past, but we became more while in Trotton, did we not? Tell me we did.”

“It makes no difference. I am bound by a disguise for a crime I committed in my youth. I cannot marry you. Can’t you see that? Even today in the middle of nowhere, you came upon me without my disguise. If it could happen in Uckfield, it could happen anywhere.” She had to choke back a sob. “There are a hundred more Charitys out there who would love to pull out the old scandal. I would make you the laughingstock of the
ton.
I will not do that to you.”

“No one knows about it, Kathryn. I did not know until that night under the tree. I searched for you for weeks and found no clue!” He was getting frustrated, and she did not want them to end that way.

“Perhaps we should turn back now while we
are
still friends!” She gave him a weak smile, but he did not return it.

“I did not know about Salford until you told me about it. You were young and innocent of such blackguards. You have nothing to fear on that score. Indeed, was he not dead, I might have called him to account by now.”

“Is he dead? I suspected he found another whose dowry was not tied up as mine was. I shall always be thankful for that, or I might actually be married to him.” She shuddered at the thought.

“I can only imagine how scared you must have been. I felt it that night under the tree, but I was so transfixed on my own selfish feelings, I did not even attempt to comfort you.” He stopped and turned to face her, putting his finger under her chin. “But you were as brave as ever. For a while I let my pride have free rein, and I blamed you for not being yourself with me. You have known for some time that is no longer the case.”

She was quiet as they began to walk again, approaching the pond. She looked off in the distance. An idyllic place with the ideal man, and she could enjoy neither.

He stayed beside her, allowing her silence. But he noticed the tear roll down her cheek, and he lightly turned her to face him.

“Kathryn, I have fallen in love with you. Not the figment of my imagination on the bridge, not the disguised companion, but
you.
You are the most wonderful combination of mystery, practicality, bravery and resourcefulness I have ever seen. And I have not even touched on your wit and your ability to nurture, along with so many other things I see in you. I am making a mull of this. My pride has been in the way, but I want us to spend the rest of our lives together. I want to make up the nine years that we lost.”

She pulled free and moved away from him. She began to wring her hands as the words she had once dreamed of hearing were being spoken again. Yet she knew it was impossible, and there was nothing left of her heart that had not already been broken.

“Kathryn, I want to marry you. You can decide when you are ready. If you do not wish for it now, perhaps...” He stopped as she shook her head. His voice became soft. “I love you with my whole heart and soul.”

She kept shaking her head; he had begun to endow her with characteristics she did not possess. His new feelings made him forget who she really was. Well, she would remind him. “You have only known me for a few months. The first were in London when I was a child. The rest have been these past two, as a ruined woman hiding from the world out of shame.

“You say you have forgiven me, and I thank you for that—I truly do. But there are others who never will. Not the least of these being the God who forgives you. And not the rest of the world I come from.” Her voice cracked, but she went on. “I am willing to continue this charade to nurse my father back to health while he can also hold his head up in Society. I was willing to give up Jacob and Lacey, but there will always be another Charity waiting to bring up the old scandal. It is better this way.”

“As the daughter of a marquis who is marrying an earl, I promise you there will be no repercussions. You were too young to know about any of this when you left London. Since then you have avoided Society altogether. With such connections and with the passing of so much time, no one will care.”

He held her shoulders tightly. “But in spite of your connections, and in spite of the fact that you have avoided Society—and suppose the worst should happen and someone should ask you where you have been all this time—
I...don’t...care
.” He emphasized the last three words.

She lowered her eyes at the intensity of his. But he would not let her. He lifted her jaw tenderly with his cupped hand. “Do you understand me? I do not care. All I care about is you.”

She pulled away from him and walked toward the pond. He stayed beside her. “That is all very easy for you to say, my lord.”

She heard him mumble under his breath, “She is still ‘my lording’ me at every turn!”

However, she continued as if she had not heard. “Yes, I avoided Society, but you have no idea of the social network that exists in the mansions and country houses of the elite. In
your
house in Town and in Rye. Servants are born into their lives, but they are not stupid. Do you think it will never come out from one of the houses where I was employed as a servant? What will your mother say when she hears your wife’s name being bandied about the servant’s hall?”

“First of all, my mother loves you. She always has. She knows all about this and wants this marriage almost as much as I do. But tell me, Kathryn, how would it come out? You have been in disguise at each place.”

She wanted to stomp her foot as Charity did. “They are not educated as well as you and I are, but they know Kate Montgomery. They did not know Lady Kathryn because I was not in Society. Should you parade me around London on your arm, they will be able to add two and two. Then, not only will I have disappeared inexplicably nine years ago, it will be known that I have been a servant all that time. You forget, I was not always disguised.”

“I am not fighting you—I just do not care.”

“How can one man be so pigheaded?” This time she turned to face him. “What of Charity, my lord, and my old friends, any of whom may have had something against me? They will be spearheading the band to drum me out of the
ton.
”

“They may try...I do not care.”

“Very well. When all of this does come out, as it will, what will be our answer? Why did I resort to a life of servitude? What could have been so bad that I would disappear from all polite Society?” She stared at him, hard. “Only one thing—that I was ruined. Will we lie? I could—it would only be one more for me. Do you think I will let you lie? If so, you do not know me as well as you think you do.”

He did not understand that this was killing her. She wanted to say yes more than she had ever wanted anything. But she had to make him understand. She would go to any lengths, be as brutally honest as she had to be, to accomplish that. And though she did not have any heart left to break, she would die a little more inside when he was gone.

Chapter Nineteen

“S
top it!” The fear that he now understood permeated her entire being and made him want to take her into his arms and hold her, letting her struggle until it all came out. She had done that once, when he held her after her attack, but his instincts told him right now she needed the verbal reassurance that none of this mattered. He took her hand and led her to a bench under a weeping willow tree. The feathery branches just barely touched the pond, making small ripples every once in a while.

“I claim every bit as much of the responsibility for this as you do. But you have been so trampled upon, you feel that God has abandoned you. When you ran away nine years ago and I could not find you or your father, I lost sight of God, too. I lost my way. So I bought my commission in the army. I could have been of more use to my brother when my father got sick, but my pride would not let me. The consequences of that were that I did not get to say goodbye to either of them before they died. I lived through a physical hell on the Continent for four years just to keep my pride. Those were the consequences of my own bout with God. But I received His forgiveness the moment I asked for it. And I believe I am the man I am today because God used that part of my life for good.”

He watched the tears roll silently down her cheeks. “Do you want me to stop?”

She shook her head.

“You made a mistake. It was no worse than others have made. Did you seek God? Did you ask Him for forgiveness, Kathryn?”

“Of course I did. I searched for Him with all my heart. But every prayer was answered with no.”

He grabbed her hands. “Not with no, but with wait. There were consequences to your mistake, but would you ever have touched the lives of those two children, or would they have touched yours, without those consequences? Do you know that when we were in London, I used to tell my mother you were my fragile flower? I never wanted you to know one hardship in your life. I was going to protect you from everything.

“Do you even realize the woman you have become? You are so amazing and strong, yet loving and giving and so much more. I might have smothered you to death had we married then. But Kathryn, you were forgiven the first moment you asked for it.”

She broke his gaze and looked over toward the pond. His heart sank; he had not reached her.

And he did not know what else to say.

Finally she turned back to him, but her eyes were steely blue. She had hardened her heart again. “And that I am ruined, my lord, is that no longer of any importance to you?”

“No it is not.” He took hold of her hands and knelt down before her. “I made a hasty judgment that night. But I have no right to judge anyone, and certainly no right to judge you. I am more sorry than I can say about that. I took the hurt I felt and turned it on you in the worst way. I took a horrible part of your life and threw it in your face. I
let
you relive the shame you place on yourself. I did that.

“I know the reason I did it. I did not want to appear as anything less than the confident, righteous earl, but the only part that has ever really bothered me is that you chose someone over me. I did not ask you why you eloped that night. If I had, I would have learned what I learned in the carriage two weeks ago. That’s when I learned it was really all my fault. But I let you feel shame at a youthful indiscretion.

“Do you still believe I am the kindest man you know?” He put his head in her lap. “Can you forgive me?”

He was desperate; he could feel her slipping away, and he could not lose her again.

“Kathryn?”

“I am sorry, my lord. I think we have said all there is to say.”

No! They could not have come so far for this. He raised his head, took her hands in his and said, “We can do this, my darling. We can hold our heads high no matter what comes our way, and we will get through it and give the glory to God. We will have our entire lives to heal from some of these wounds, but we must do it together. If we give up now, it will all have been wasted.”

* * *

She could not resist the urge to touch him. She stroked his hair as she would a brokenhearted child. Was his heart broken as hers was? Was he really ready to risk the condemnation of everything he had ever known for
her?