Beauty in Disguise (25 page)

“My lord, no matter how you say it, I cannot—would never—bring any taint of scandal to you.”

“What scandal?” He was running out of ways to convince her. He saw his happiness slipping away. “Even
I
did not know of it until I found you here. What would anyone else know?”

“You do not think that after nine years of least in sight, my reappearance, on
your
arm, would not have any repercussions?”

“There is only one reason I need to hear that would keep me from marrying you. Tell me you do not love me, and I will go away and leave you in peace. Do you love me, Kathryn?”

“I love you too much to—”

“It’s you!” The scream from Charity startled both of them. “Who are you? Lord Dalton, do you know this woman?” She lifted her skirt and stomped to them. “You were in our house last night. You carried Jacob out of the fire! What is going on here?” Her voice rose in intensity with each question.

Dalton finally snapped. “Charity Dinsmore!”

But he stopped as Kathryn ran away from the house, her hand covering the sobs that escaped her.

Chapter Eighteen

D
alton felt so very alone. He just wanted to be home. He needed to see his mother and hear her particular brand of wisdom.

He knew he had many friends in London and even closer relationships with the men who served with him and under him. But Kathryn completed him. It had always been that way. He had met her at an alfresco luncheon, and she was as fresh and beautiful as the whole outdoors. Indeed, she enhanced the outdoors. And he had wanted to know her from that moment.

They had been introduced by the lady hosting the luncheon, long forgotten now. When she raised her eyes to his face, he held his breath. Her eyes pulled him into her soul.

He remembered thanking God for the knowledge that He had planned this meeting before the earth was even created. Nothing had ever prepared him for the experience, and he soon learned that everything they did together from that day on
was
a new experience, whether he had done it before or not.
She
made it unique.

He never again felt comfortable without her. He accepted the wisdom of his mother, who told him not to rush his fences. He danced with others at every event so gossips would find no interest in his actions. However, he was only alive when he was with her.

Then one day she was gone. And all he could feel went with her.

And now it was happening again. He did not think he would survive it.

“Christopher!” his mother said as she entered the drawing room. “What brings you home?” She smiled at him and added, “Not that I am not delighted to see you, just surprised.”

She sat before a fire, and he stooped to kiss her cheek. It almost brought him to tears.

“Christopher?” she asked warily. “What is it, son?”

She sat in a wing chair that flanked the fire and indicated he take the other. The butler brought in the tea tray and showed surprise at finding the master there. “My lord, may I pour you a glass of brandy?”

“Yes, thank you, that would be good.”

When they were finally alone, his mother would not let him stay inside himself.

“Christopher, tell me what has you so blue-deviled.”

“I apologize, Mother. I did not mean to be rude.”

“You have not been rude, but you are completely distracted. And a little sad, I think. Do you wish to talk about it?”

“She will not have me, Mother. I have lost her again.” He had been reliving this over and over since this morning. What was the purpose of it?

“Kathryn?”

“Yes, I am sorry again. I am lost, I suppose. In order for my heart to beat again, it tells me I must have her.”

“Oh, darling,” she said, feeling a mother’s anguish in her son’s pain.

“Tell me what happened.”

“I begged her to marry me, and she turned me down.”

“That cannot be all there is to it, my dear. Indeed, the last time you were here, you were quite angry with her, as I recall.”

“No—it sounds quite complicated, but it boils down to the fact that she is being a martyr...trying to save me pain because she fears I will suffer should her past raise its ugly head.”

“So she loves you in return?”

“I believe so. She started to say it when we were interrupted by the selfish and vain daughter of Sir John. Kathryn has been particularly fearful of her because the girl is bent on figuring out who she is.”

“And you do not see that as a problem?”

He finally became agitated. Maybe that is what his mother wanted. She never believed in holding things in. “No, I do not see the problem. The girl is the most recalcitrant, spoiled, out-of-control viper I have ever met. I am afraid I told her so to her face today.”

His mother smiled. “Did you, dear? How positively heroic of you!”

He knew her teasing; she could pull anyone out of the doldrums. “It was not heroic and you know it. But I will not confess it. Someone should have taken her over their knee years ago. It would have been kinder than letting her become such a termagant.”

“Why is Kathryn afraid of her?”

He came back to earth with a thud. “She fears the past will haunt us if we get married. She thinks the world is full of Charitys who will stir up trouble. She cannot risk my life being ruined just by association with her.”

“Are you fearful of that?”

“No, of course not. I love her. I would walk through fire for her.”

“And she understands that?”

“I kept telling her.”

“May I ask how you told her?”

“I do not understand.”

“When she expressed her fear of such a thing happening, how did you convey your feelings on the subject?”

“I told her she was worrying for nothing. I tried to reassure her that no one could possibly find out about her past.
I
did not even know it until a few weeks ago. I told her with our connections and her father’s support, no one would dare wag their tongues with questions or innuendo.”

“And she fears that it is a certainty?”

“Yes, Mother.” He sat down and put his head in his hands. “I cannot lose her again. I cannot.”

“Son, what would happen if you did marry and the story came out?”

“What do you mean?”

“Would you rusticate until the worst blew over? Would you throw around your power as an earl and threaten a duel to the next person who spoke of your wife?”

“What an odd question! No, of course I would do none of those things. I do not care what others think. If somehow someone found that she eloped or that she had worked as a companion, what difference does it make? It was nine years ago.”

“So you told her you did not care. She understood that?”

“I am not sure I used those exact words, but that is what I meant.”

“Darling, what
I
heard you say is that it was too remotely possible to happen so why worry about it.”

“That is correct.”

She leaned over and took his hand. “My love, they are two very different things to a woman.”

“I do not understand.”

“You cannot convince her it will not happen—she obviously does not believe that. But if you promise her it does not matter, even if it does happen, then she has nothing to be afraid of.”

“You mean...”

“Yes, I do. But it cannot be nonchalant. You need to make up your mind that you truly do not care. If you have thought about it and prayed about it and still you truly do not care if her biggest fear happens, then she does not need to save you from that.”

“What have I done?”

“Nothing permanent, Christopher. Do you hear me? You were trying to convey that her worries are groundless. Her feelings and fears are real to her. But if you promise you will love her no matter what happens, then that is an entirely different matter.”

He jumped up, kissing his mother’s hand. “I knew I needed to be here. I knew I needed your wisdom.”

“Christopher, what I am telling you still may not make her look at it any differently. But it gives her an opportunity to do what she wants instead of feeling selfish by doing it.”

“Mother, would it hurt you if it ever came out in the open? I would not want to put your feelings aside for mine.”

“My darling, I dare anyone to say one wrong word about my daughter-in-law. They would certainly be sorry for it.”

“Thank you, Mother. I love you very much.”

“Be sure and tell her that, as well!”

* * *

Kathryn sat at the base of a gnarled oak surrounded by a bed of rhododendrons and jonquils. Matty had certainly brightened her cottage since the last time she had been there. Kathryn was weeding the planted bed, but with each tug, her sadness resurfaced until Matty had to shoo her away before she started pulling up plants that belonged there.

Apologizing to her dearest friend, Kathryn moved to sit with her back against the tree for a few moments. The shade brought her relief from the heat, and she began to draw in the dirt as her mind traveled to the mess her life had become.

Kathryn had not stayed in Trotton even one night. She took the pony cart to the inn at Midhurst and had come directly to her old governess, her safe haven, as she had nine years ago and several times since.

She knew her father would be disappointed; in fact, he had told her so when he wrote back to her, but she could not hurt him again. Charity was tenacious. Kathryn knew she would not stop at discovering who she was, because she would blame her for Lord Dalton’s failure to propose.

She would not lead the scandal to her father’s door.

If she took this experience as a whole, she thought she might go so deeply inside of herself that she would never come out. Instead, she broke it into wedges like a pie, with each piece proving worse than the last.

Growing up, Miss Mattingly always talked about the little cottage in Uckfield that she was purchasing a tiny bit at a time with the money paid to her as Kathryn’s governess. She used to tell Kathryn stories about how special it was, so small in comparison to the houses where she had been employed, but it was her special flower-bedecked retirement home where Kathryn would one day visit her with
her
children. Matty had no vision then how that small cottage would become such an oasis in every trial of Kathryn’s life, beginning with her botched elopement nine years ago.

It had been her haven during the many disappointments of trying to find employment and being kicked when she was down, by mistresses who believed their husbands, sons, brothers and butlers over her. It was here in Uckfield that Matty concocted the disguise to protect her from such behavior in the future. And here she was again, lost and in pain, and she wondered how she would find the strength to start over after all that had happened to her since she ran away with Lord Salford. The only difference this time was that they would no longer be living on Matty’s meager income: she had her own money now.

She brushed back what seemed an endless flow of tears. Her wonderful friend was sitting in the rocker on the little front porch tatting away, happy to be with Kathryn again, no matter the circumstances. She had often told her of God’s unconditional love for her, and she believed it because that is all Matty had ever shown her. The change only came when she realized it was Matty alone who had unconditional love for her.

Enough self-pity,
Kathryn thought. She wiped a stray curl off her forehead with the back of her gloved hand. “Matty, why don’t I run in and get us a glass of lemonade that we may enjoy as we take a rest.”

“You sit right where you are, young lady—I will get the lemonade. If it is your mission to destroy every weed in Uckfield, you will need a little fortification. I will get us a few of those scones you baked this morning, as well, and we can have a short respite while we wait for today’s post. I have a feeling today will be the day God shows you the new direction He intends for you.”

Kathryn only laughed at the tiny lady’s forcefulness and remained seated, her back against the tree trunk behind her. She thought of the Dinsmore children once more, and memories flooded back. She had just written to them yesterday, and she sometimes wondered if Lady Dinsmore was giving her letters to them. Reflecting on their current status brought her nothing but pain. She was suddenly so very tired of it and closed her eyes, hoping to block out the dark thoughts that seemed to overtake her more often of late.

Nothing would stop Charity from trying to figure out her true identity. She could not bring scandal on her father or Lord Dalton. She could stay hidden away from the world with her only friend. Everyone else was better off without her.

She would be perfectly satisfied writing to the children and helping the poor around them. Well, nearly satisfied. At least she had memories, albeit not without blemish, but memories of Lord Dalton as he was now. She played his proposal over and over again in her mind, pretending different endings than the real one. She loved to concentrate on the moment he told her that he loved her.

She could imagine being free to return his love. She pictured a life full of laughter and a closeness she knew they would share. He would be able to take his seat in Parliament with pride, and she would support him in every way possible.

They might even have had children one day. He would be a tremendous father, his kindness making him tender and loving.

But she always awoke in the morning and remembered that none of those things were meant to be.

It was those thoughts that kept her from hearing someone enter Matty’s gate and silently walk to stand before her.

“Kathryn?”

Assuming she had been dreaming, she did not immediately acknowledge his presence. It happened almost nightly since their last meeting. It was the realization that he blocked the sun from her eyes that made them open.

“Lord Dalton!”

“Kathryn, are you all right?” Matty’s voice came from the front door of the little house.

“Yes, Matty. I am fine. We have a visitor.” Kathryn stared at him as intently as he looked at her, but she did not move.

“I can see that. How do you do? I am Tess Mattingly.”