Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) (11 page)

I’m surprised to find
Jax pacing my living room. The second he notices me, he rushes to me.
Right when I’m about to open my mouth to ask him why he’s still
here, I realize that I smell . . . bad. Holy B.O. I need a shower,
quick, if I’m going to be around him.

“I need to jump in
the shower . . .” I hesitate. I want to ask him to stay, but I
don’t have the right to ask.

“I’ll be here when
you get out,” Jax says, reading my mind like always.

I return his smile
before making a quick dash to my bathroom with the single thought of
my Midnight Pomegranate body wash from Bath & Body Works. I smell
so ripe there could be a rotting corpse in my apartment and you
couldn’t tell the difference. Okay, maybe not that bad, but close
enough.

I turn the shower all
the way to hot before slipping off my Nikes. It isn’t until my
drenched workout clothes are on the bathroom floor that I notice my
swollen ankle. Because my mind was absorbed in my memories, I didn’t
even realize my ankle was hurting while I was running. It’s not the
first time this has happened either and I know it won’t be the
last.

Stepping into the
steaming shower I welcome the pain from the scalding water and my
throbbing ankle. The water burns my skin, turning it a nice shade of
red, to the point that I want to yelp, but I hold it in. Instead I
force my muscles to relax, enjoying the pain the hot water brings.
It’s easier to deal with the physical pain right now than the
emotional pain from my memories.

No,
I’m not that girl anymore!
Disgusted with myself and my
thoughts, I quickly adjust the water to a much more normal
temperature. I tilt my head back and let the water stream down my
back while rubbing my hands through my long hair. I lather shampoo
and right as I start to lean into the water again, there’s a knock
on the door. I could bang my head against the wall right now. I
pretend that I don’t hear him come into the bathroom and continue
to shower like he isn’t here. I’m not ready to face him, let
alone talk to him yet.
What are
the chances that he will just go away? Not big.

Once the shampoo is
washed out, I squeeze conditioner into my hand and massage it into my
scalp. The shower is made of glass, I know he can see me even with
all the steam. I’m tempted to ask him to make me forget about
everything, but instead I remain silent.

“I got you a cupcake
so hurry up or it might be missing by the time you get out.” With
that, the bathroom door swings open and he leaves before I can ask
him if he knows who sent the flowers.

I rush through the rest
of my shower, not because of the cupcake, but because I know it’s
time to face Jax. The cupcake is a bonus, of course. I dress in
leggings, a cami, and my favorite rose colored sweater of my mom’s.
Lifting the soft material to my nose, I inhale deeply. I can almost
smell the fresh floral scent my mom always smelled like. For a split
second I pretend that she’s here with me and not in a box six-feet
under. I’m happy, then the second is gone and I’m back to
reality.

Jax is back to pacing
my living room again. I clear my throat, ready to explain myself, but
Jax’s utterly lost expression stops me. He takes two long strides
and then suddenly I’m in his arms. He hugs me tightly. I struggle
against his hold; I can’t handle the way he always makes me feel
like we have more than friendship. It’s not fair that it can never
happen. I keep struggling a pointless battle against his iron-like
grip.

Very slowly, about the
speed that ice melts off of glaciers, I fall lax into Jax. He never
loosens his hold on me; if anything it gets tighter the more I relax
into him. He rubs my back in a soothing manner. When I finally mold
to him, he picks me up and sits on my couch. He drapes my legs over
him in a way that has me practically sitting in his lap.

A few minutes go by in
a comfortable silence before I murmur, “I’m sorry Jax. I lost it
when I saw those stupid flowers and I just—”

Jax’s large hand
covers my mouth.

“I already told you
not to apologize. YOU. DID. NOTHING. WRONG.” Sighing Jax runs a
hand through his hair. Collecting himself, he says in a much calmer
voice, “I get it more than you can possibly understand, Ads. I know
who Stargazer Lilies remind you of. I know all of this is too much
for you on most days . . . but being blindsided with something like
Had’s flowers . . .” His voice trails off as he gets a distant
look in his eyes. I know that look, he’s remembering something. I
wonder if he’s picturing me setting the flowers onto her grave.

“I didn’t throw
them away. They’re in your room . . . where they belong.” He
continues to say something to me, but I don’t hear him. I’m
somewhere else.

“Stay with me, Ads.
I’m here. Talk to me,” Jax begs quietly before pressing his lips
to mine. All of my senses come to life, everything disappears but
Jax. He brings me back before I’m gone.

“Thank you,” I
mumble against his lips. Jax winks. My face heats up. “Not for
that. You’re always here for me. So thanks, Jax, for knowing what I
need more than I do.” I kiss his cheek. “Thank you for not
throwing them away like I would have done,” I whisper into his ear.

Jax holds my hand in
his. “I’ll always be here for you, Ads.”

“I know,” I agree
because I don’t doubt him. Whenever I needed him most, Jax has
always been here. I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it.

“Did you know when
Hadley was two, that’s when she first fell in love with Stargazer
Lilies?” I ask even though I already know the answer.

“She would always go
to such lengths to get her way.”

“That’s putting it
mildly.” I surprise us both by jumping off the couch. “I’ll be
right back.”

“Take your time.”
Jax knows exactly what I’m going to do.

I need to see the
flowers that remind me of my dead baby sister. I need to do this.
Each step closer to my bedroom, brings me closer to everything I
chose to forget. When I finally reach my doorknob, my breathing is
rapid. I wish my brother was here. I don’t think I can do this by
myself. I’m not strong enough. I can’t move. My knuckles whiten
as I firmly squeeze the doorknob.

Jax comes up behind me,
his hand covers mine. “You ready?”

He didn’t leave me.
“Yes,” I say with a shaky breath.

Together we open the
door. Jax holds my hand again. The warmth from his fingers helps
center me. As usual, Jax is right. Hadley wouldn’t want me to act
like her favorite flowers are a bomb ready to explode. No matter how
painful this is, I need to do this.
I
can do this.
I chant in my head.

My gaze instantly goes
to the flowers sitting on my nightstand. I have no idea how I missed
them when I took a shower. I feel them pulling me toward them. Jax
doesn’t let go of my hand while we approach my nightstand.

The pink petals are
vibrant against the white backdrop of the walls of my bedroom. Some
of them haven’t fully bloomed yet. Hadley’s favorite thing, she
would love to watch them grow, to open up. She thought it was
magical. The way she view the world was extraordinary. She saw the
beauty in everything.

I rub the yellow
tentacles in the center of the bulbs, dyeing my finger tips yellow.
It’s exactly what Hads would do, just to one of them. Their
powerful scent already fills my room with their fragrance. I used to
hate that, I always thought these were the type of flowers that
needed to be outside. Now it’s as if I have a piece of my little
sister back, I don’t want to part without them, without Hadley.

“I’m so proud of
you, Ads,” Jax says, breaking the silence.

Without taking my gaze
off them, I attempt to lighten the mood. “Now that you got your way
and pretty much forced me to face my fears, you can go now. I know
you need to get up early for your meeting, and besides, I’m getting
kinda sick of seeing your ugly face.”

“Ugly? Me? Come on,
Ads, we both know I’m the hottest man on the planet. I have women
falling all over themselves just to catch a glimpse of me.”

I try to hold a
straight face, but I can’t. “You’re impossible.”

“Ah, but I got you to
smile.”

“When are you leaving
again?” I quip.

Jax takes my face into
his hands. “How are you doing?”

“Better than I
thought,” I say truthfully.

“I really don’t
want to—”

“Jax, I’m a big
girl. I actually don’t need you to look after me all of the time.”

“If I don’t, who
will?”

“Go home already,”
I say, ignoring his question.

Walking Jax to the
front door, I have the sudden urge to keep him here. I don’t want
him to leave, I don’t want to be alone. I quickly throw away that
thought. I don’t need to spend anymore one-on-one time with him, it
just confuses me.

“Bye, Ads.”

I don’t say anything
to him as the door closes because I’m afraid that I’ll ask him to
stay. Definitely not something that needs to come out of my mouth.

The next day, I wake up and smile
when I turn over to see the beautiful Stargazer Lilies on my
nightstand. It feels amazing to smile at something that used to bring
delight to Hadley without getting stuck in the past. For the first
time, I realize there’s a note attached to the flowers. I’m not
even a little surprised that I missed it yesterday. Anticipation
killing me, I lean over and grab it.

It’s been 3 weeks & I still can’t stop thinking about you. If
you feel the same, let’s see where this can go.

-K. D.

He sent me the flowers.
Wow, I never would have guessed that. God, I’m such a bitch! I
wonder if I should call him to apologize for yesterday, but decide
against it. I don’t want to give him the wrong idea. I’m not
interested and it’s better for him to learn that now then think he
has a chance. Even if Jax wasn’t in the picture —well he’s not
technically— I still wouldn’t give him a chance. Sure, I’m
attracted to him, what woman wouldn’t be? But it doesn’t change
anything. My heart will forever belong to Jaxon Chandler.

I get up and take a
quick shower. Taking advantage of the perfect weather, I choose one
of my favorite sundresses with a cutout heart on the back and my
beige Steve Madden’s to complete the look. I curl a few pieces of
my naturally curly hair, apply mascara, add a light coat of rose
color lipstick, and I’m ready to go. After retrieving my phone off
the nightstand, I pick up Kohen’s note and slip it into my purse.

Deciding to skip
breakfast and buy a smoothie, I’m almost ready to leave when I spot
the camera bag Jax bought me. Without over-thinking it, I quickly
grab it and walk out the door.

Smoothie in hand, I
browse at a few stores to buy supplies for Logan’s surprise party.
Two hours later, I have everything that Jax and I will need, and much
more. I’d rather be overly prepared than realize too late that
we’re missing something. I want the party to be perfect for Logan.
He deserves it.

After a cab ride back
to my place, I drop off the bags in the living room and close the
door. I’ll put everything away later, it’s too nice of a day out
to be stuck inside. Looking to kill an hour until I meet the boys, I
head over to Central Park with my camera bag still in hand.

Cedar Hill is my
all-time favorite place in New York. I always come here when I feel
like the world is crumbling down on me, so it’s the perfect place
for today, even though I doubt I’ll be able to take any pictures. I
play with the zipper and remember the first time my dad bought me a
camera. He wanted me to try to get into something other than
swimming. Apparently it’s important to have more than one thing to
love.

If only he could see me
now.

With shaking hands, I
reach in and grasp my new camera. I have so many mixed emotions right
now. I want to remember how I’ve felt being behind the lens, how I
share the same passion as my dad had, but I can’t help feeling
guilty.

The last time I ever
held a camera was the last day I ever saw my family. If I take a
picture, I won’t be able to share it with my dad anymore. I don’t
know if I’m ready to move on with this chapter in my life yet. The
day my dad took me to buy my first camera was one of my favorite
times with him. He was able to see that I was missing a creative
outlet, even if I didn’t see it myself.

I’m afraid that if I
pick up this camera, I won’t feel the same, everything will be
different, and I will lose what my dad gave me that day. I don’t
want to taint that memory with my demons.

Another fifteen minutes
pass before I’m finally able to talk myself into capturing one
simple picture. I can take one picture without ruining everything. I
stand up and examine the area. I spot a butterfly landing on a flower
a few yards away. Bringing the camera up to my face I focus on the
scene before me. With a shaky breath, I press the button to forever
imprison the image before me. As I view the digital photo, I feel a
weight has lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I’ve just found a
piece to my soul again.