Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) (10 page)

Great, now Jax is going
to realize how crazy I actually am. Crap, Logan! If Jax called my
brother and told him what happened, Logan should be bursting through
my door any minute now. So not what I need!

“Ads, it’s okay.
You’re here, you’re fine. Just breathe for me, baby,” Jax says
in a calming voice I have only heard from him once. The funeral. The
memories start to come back, but I fight them off. I won’t lose it
in front of Jax. Not again.

Watching him closely, I
mimic Jax’s breathing because I’m unable to perform the most
basic task in the world.

“Sorry.” I have to
clear my dry throat so that I can talk above a pained whisper.
“Sorry, Jax, you didn’t need to see that.” Much better. I
almost have full strength in my vocal cords again. “I’m fine, I
promise. I just wasn’t expecting to see those . . . st-star . . .
flowers.” I choke up. I can’t even say the name of the stupid
flowers.

“Shut up,” Jax says
calmly but with an edge still to his voice.

Startled by his
outburst, my head snaps up to see Jax steaming.

Venom drips from my
voice. “Excuse me?” I can’t believe he just told me to shut up.

“You heard me, Ads, I
said shut up.” Before I even have a chance to open my mouth, Jax
drags me off the couch and pulls me on top of his lap. “I don’t
need to hear any explanations. I know why you just completely shut
down on me, I get it. So stop. If you open that sexy mouth of yours,
it better not be to explain or to apologize, do you understand?”

I can only nod because
I’m shocked that Jax knows why I broke down and gets it. Not that I
should be surprised, Jax knows a lot more then he lets on. Right when
I start to lean into his embrace, I shove his arms away and stand up.

“Thanks, Jax, but I
need to be alone right now.” I hastily retreat to my room and I
hear a faint, “Shit,” from Jax. I slam my door, hoping that he
takes the hint and leaves.

Sinking to the floor, I
try to shut it all off. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to
think that I could change, that I could be me again. That I was
dancing around my apartment without a care in the world, as if I
hadn’t killed my family. I can’t do this, I need to shut it off.
It hurts too much.

I rise and make my way
to my closet until a crippling pain from the guilt brings me to my
knees. The memories start flooding back full-force. I can hear
Hadley’s laughter as if she’s sitting right next to me. God, I
can’t do this. I need to get out of here, away from Jax, away from
everything.

Forcing my legs to
cooperate, I open my walk-in closet. After blindly changing into the
first work-out clothes my hands touch, I’m out the door. I jump
from foot-to-foot as I put my socks on while walking. Not an easy
task for someone like me. I snatch up Logan’s Columbia sweater I
stole from him and then my Nikes that are still by the front door
where I left them. I’m about to leave, but then I remember my phone
is still in the living room. Ugh!

I’m relieved when I
find my living room empty. I collect my phone from the coffee table
and slide it into my armband. Before I can even leave the living
room, Jax blocks my path. Great. I study my bright pink Nikes because
I can’t face him right now. Why couldn’t he just leave? Was me
telling him I need to be alone not a big enough hint?

“Where do you think
you’re going, Ads? You can’t just go out and run right now in
your condition.”

It would have been
better for Jax to slap me across my face. Anything would have been
better than saying “my condition” as if I have some contagious
disease.

I’m no longer staring
intently at the floor. I’m glaring at Jax. “MY CONDITION? WHAT
CONDITION WOULD THAT BE EXACTLY, JAX?” I yell. Taking a deep
breath, I try to calm down. I’m anything but calm as I say, “I am
going for a run. I can’t be here right now, Jax.” I shove past
him towards my escape.

Jax follows, closing on
my heels to the door. This would have been so much easier if he just
left.

Turning around, I
whisper, “Please don’t tell Logan.” I leave without another
word.

As I wait for the
elevators to escape to Central Park, I try desperately to forget
Jax’s expression. I wish that I was strong enough to turn around
and reassure him that I’m okay, but I’m not. Instead I step into
the elevator, and as the doors close, I feel like I’m making a
mistake, but I can’t go back in there. I can’t face Jax right now
even though everything in me is telling me that I need to be with
him.

I’m so distracted
that I don’t even realize that I’m not alone until I see movement
to my left. I ignore the person behind me and concentrate on the
emptiness inside of me.

“Well, this is a
pleasant surprise. How are you Adalynn?” a deep husky voice asks,
startling me. I know who that voice belongs to.

Putting my mask
perfectly into place, I swing around toward Kohen. “Hey, I’m
doing great!” Too cheerful, I need to take it down a notch or it
will be obvious that I’m anything but great. “How are you?”
God, I couldn’t be more awkward if I tried.

The doors open before
Kohen has a chance to respond and like the socially inept person that
I am, I flee without saying anything else. It’s better for him if
he thinks I’m strange, then any interest he has in me will
disappear. I don’t need to start anything with Kohen, well anyone
for that matter, especially Jax. I deserve to be alone. I like it. I
need to continue with the life I made for myself. I learned a long
time ago that I can’t trust myself, let alone anyone else. Nobody
would want the real me anyways.

I almost reach the
doorman when Kohen comes running up to me.
Just
keep walking. Ignore him.

“Want some company
while you run? I’m the perfect workout buddy.”

Why
can’t everyone just leave me alone?

“I actually prefer to
run by myself,” I answer in a bored tone. Finishing my bitch act, I
pat his shoulder while I patronizingly say, “But, hey, no hard
feelings, you can try that line with the next chick you see.” I
turn and walk away. “Thanks for the offer,” I toss over my
shoulder before leaving the building.

I head across the
street to Central Park with the heaviness of despair coursing through
my veins. Later on, when I’m back to myself, I know I’ll feel
guilty. I make a mental note to apologize to Kohen the next time I
see him, which should be easy considering we live in the same
building.

I slide my phone out of
my armband and I click on Marilyn Manson’s
Sweet
Dreams
, before putting it back. As the music blares I
wonder what sick fuck sent me those flowers. It couldn’t be any of
the guys. They know better than that. So if not them, then who? I
turn the music up and I finally get the chance to do what I’ve
wanted since the flowers arrived at my place . . . escape.

On my third mile
through Central Park I slowly allow the memories to roll in. Whenever
I let the memories come back it reminds me of the person I once was,
everything that I lost, and why I don’t deserve happiness. This is
why I continue to put myself through this unimaginable pain, so that
I can never forget, so that I can never be happy. I don’t deserve
to be happy.

There is only one
memory that I can never relive . . . the day I lost everything.
Whenever that memory comes barreling through, it feels like I’m in
the ocean with the waves crashing down on top of me, the surface
always out of reach. I pant, on the brink of collapsing into despair.

I stop running and use
all of my energy to push that memory away. I can taste metallic even
though I haven’t cut my mouth . . . the memory is that strong.
Breathe in . . . out.
Bending at the knees, I take slow calming breaths. When the white
spots fade from my vision, I run again. The surroundings of Central
Park change from pavement to grass; soon it’s as if I’m seeing my
old backyard with the swing, and the Olympic-size pool my parents had
built for my tenth birthday, to a memory that I’ve repressed for
far too long, tugging at my consciousness, reminding me of time I
thought was lost . . . a happy time with Hadley.

“
What’s
wrong, Hads?” I ask my frowning baby sister.

With
fresh tears in her eyes she mumbles, “I can’t come to your
birthday party.”

“
Why
not?” I sit down beside Hadley on her bed. I nudge her with my
shoulder when she doesn’t answer. “Come on, you can tell me
anything.”

“
Promise
you won’t laugh?” She hiccups.

“
Promise.”

She
twirls her thumbs. “Everyone is going to make fun of me because I
can’t swim.”

A
laugh escapes before I can stop it. “Sorry,” I say when she
glares at me. “Nobody would dare laugh at you, Hads.” Even though
I know she’s lying, I still tell her to put her suit on.

“
No!”

God,
even at six she’s stubborn. “Come on Hads. We have two hours
before anyone gets here. That’s more than enough time.”

“
Enough
time for what?” she asks cautiously.

“
For
me to teach you how to swim, obviously!”

She’s
jumping off her bed and racing towards her dresser before I can even
finish my sentence.

“
You
really mean it?” she asks as she starts to put on her bikini.

“
I
can’t have my favorite person not at my party.” Her smile is
breathtaking. She’s going to be a heartbreaker when she’s older.
I actually feel bad for all of the boys.

“
Really?”

“
Of
course.”

Within
an hour, Hadley is swimming better than Ariel the mermaid. I know
that swimming wasn’t really an issue since I’ve been working with
her on her skills all summer. She was worried that I was going to
ignore her; all she needed was some one-on-one time with me.

“
Ready
for the party?” I ask when it’s obvious that she doesn’t need
help at all.

“
Can
we swim some more before everyone gets here?” Hadley ask as she
paddles away from me.

“
Of
course!” Logan yells before jumping off the diving board to join
us.

Dad
takes a picture of the three of us in the water. When he sets down
his camera, I get a brilliant idea. And by brilliant, I mean
hilarious.

“
Dad
can you look at my finger? I think I have a splinter.”

“
From
swimming? Doubtful,” Logan says. I wink at him and he catches on
immediately.

Logan
climbs out of the pool as our dad comes closer to the pool to inspect
my finger. Logan circles behind our father. When Dad gets to the edge
of the pool, I kick off the wall in perfect timing with Logan.

“
Andy!”
our mom shouts from the doorway as Logan pushes our dad in.

We’re
all laughing when our dad surfaces.

By my fifth mile, I
force myself to turn around. Swimming used to be the most important
part of my life. At age ten, I knew that I was destined to be a
swimmer. There’s some days where the pull to be in the water again
is so fierce that I find myself itching to smell the chlorine-filled
room, but I’m never able to open the door. I haven’t allowed
myself to touch the water, even with my toes, ever since I tried to
kill myself five years ago.

Finally reaching my
apartment building, I force all of the memories away. I need to face
the mess I left up there and hopefully Jax won’t think I’m a
total lunatic. As I press the elevator button, I find myself
questioning my sanity and Liv’s. Maybe she’s as crazy as I am for
thinking I can move on with my life. I can’t even receive Stargazer
Lilies without a meltdown. Maybe with time I can prove her right, or
I’ll just prove my new theory of us both being out of our minds.