Bang Gang (46 page)

Tonya called on me afterwards. She said hello to Nanna who was engrossed in
Antiques Hunt
, then ushered me into the kitchen and informed me with glee that both Debbie Gibson and Mandy Taylor were
still in the queue
.

“I’m telling you now, Jo,” she said. “He’s not fucking them. I don’t think he’s got any intention of fucking them.”

“Who knows,” I said, “he might just be booked up.”

“Yeah, right. Like fuck he is.” She rolled her eyes. “You two are hopeless. Why don’t you just ask him? No,
tell
him. Tell him to ditch this shit for good.”

I avoided the question, because in truth I’d been avoiding it myself for long enough. The fear of rejection was always there, festering under the surface, the memory of losing him the first time around embedded so heavily in my heart that I wasn’t sure I could go through that again.
That
was the truth of it. And it scared me.

The whole thing scared me. Icarus sailing way too close to Darren Trent’s sun for comfort.

I told her he’d nearly stayed last night and she clapped her hands. “I knew it!” she said. “It’s just a matter of time. Tell him to come home, tell him to ditch this stupid Bang Gang nonsense and bring his stuff back round.”

“And what if he won’t…”

“Why wouldn’t he?” she said. “It’s not like he’s busy fucking around every bloody night, you’re seeing too much of him for that.”

And that was another thing that was niggling me. We’d made no plans this week and I was still holding off on it. I was due any day, and although Darren really didn’t give a shit whether I was on my monthlies or not, I did. The thought of the washing alone was exhausting, and what if this was just sex? What if he turned his nose up when he found it wasn’t going to be rough and tumble all night long?

But he’d held me, last night, just held me.

“Lorraine collared me earlier,” she said. “Told me she’s having a party on Wednesday night. Some Halloween bash,
women’s
interests.”

The thought of Lorraine made me feel sicker than I was already. “
Women’s
interests?”

She nodded. “Sex toys and that kind of shit, I guess.” She grinned. “Better get that savings card of yours out, I’m sure there are plenty of
experiences of a lifetime
a couple of sex toys and Darren Trent could indulge you in.”

“I think I’ll give it a miss…” I said.

She pulled a face. “No way! We’re totally going! I’d love to see what dodgy shit Lorraine gets up to behind that
Miss Prissy
facade. I bet she’s pure filth.”

“Lorraine?” I laughed. “She was married for a
million years, told me her ex-husband was a terrible lay.”

“Yeah, well, she’s been
un
married for a million years, too. That woman’s no stranger to a bit of bump and grind, I’m telling you.”

“Guess we’ll find out.”

She smiled. “You’ll come?”

I nodded. “Why not. I could do with building some bridges with Lorraine, things have been… tense…”

She raised an eyebrow. “Darren?”

“She doesn’t think I should be going anywhere near him, made it clear she thinks I’m being an absolute fucking idiot.”

She shrugged. “Gah, whatever. She’ll get over it.”

I hoped so. I really hoped so.

Tonya was waffling away about potential purchases when the hangover struck again. I raced to the kitchen sink and struggled to hold it back, retching up nothing and waving her to stay away.

“Shit,” I said. “I really can’t drink anymore. Seriously, that wine fucked me up. Pathetic, I know.”

Her face was unreadable, and that’s rarely the case with Tonya. “You hardly fucking drank any, Jo, not really. I polished off way more than you did, and I’m not throwing my guts up all over the place.”

I shrugged. “I guess I’m not so used to it.”

She was quiet for too long. “You and Trent have been careful, right?”

My cheeks burned, and my stomach did a horrible lurch that helped my queasiness none at all. “We… I have a period planner… I’ve been…”

“Jesus, Jodie! Condoms, yes or no?”

“Well, no… but I’m sure…”

“Christ All-fucking-mighty.” She held out her hand. “Where’s that pissing period planner, Jo. Have you looked at it?”

Oh the shame. No, no I hadn’t. Not for a week or so, but I was sure. I definitely remembered the dates.

I wasn’t such a reckless stupid idiot.

Except I was. I was and I knew it. Had no excuse for it. Nothing but a crazy hedonistic desire to have Darren come inside me.

Like that had been so successful first time round.

What a fucking idiot.

“I’m sure I’ll be fine,” I said. I grabbed my phone from the sideboard and handed it to her. My nerves were jangling as she tapped away at the screen.

“So, you’ve got your period, right?”

“Sorry?”

She turned the screen. “Saturday, you were due on Saturday, Jo.”

I laughed. “
Tuesday
,” I said. “I’m sure I should be due tomorrow.”

She shook her head. “
Saturday
, Jo. You should be cramping all over the fucking place by now.” I didn’t want to look at it. She waved it in my face, and still I didn’t look. “Jesus Christ, Jodie Symmonds, you fucking knew about this.”

“No!” I said. “I didn’t, I just… figured I did…” I stared at her and not at the phone. “First time was…
me
… I just, wanted to feel him.”

“And the rest?”

I shrugged. “And the rest we just…”

“Fucking hell.” She stared at my belly. “Baby Trent number three. Welcome to the world, little guy.”

“Little guy?”

She smiled. “Odds. I reckon he’ll get a little spanner-wielding son next go. Ruby will be stoked.”

“Stop it,” I said. “Seriously, I’m probably due on any minute.”

“Alright then,” she said. “Let’s go get a test. You’ve got to get Nanna’s pills anyway, right?”

My cheeks were on fire. I nodded.

She handed me my keys.

“This will be nothing,” I said. “Just a waste of a tenner.”

“And if it’s not?”

Oh the sickness. “Then it’s not… and we’ll… I’ll…”

“How are Mia and Ruby going to feel about twinning up? You’ll need the extra room.”

“Bit early for that…” I said. I rolled my eyes.

“Darren Trent only has to stare at you and you’re bloody pregnant, Jo. Wine hangover my fucking arse.”

And what about the rest of the village? Does he only have to stare at them, too?

No. He said he was careful. He told me so.

I cashed out with the test kit and Nanna’s pills and Tonya wouldn’t let up, insisted we head straight back to mine and get it done.

I tried to stall, tried to tell her morning was better, but she’d have none of it.

“Now!” she said. “You’ve been burying your head in the sand bloody long enough, Jodie.” She sighed. “Christ, I sound like your mother.”

I checked Nanna was still entertained by daytime TV before I went to shut myself in the bathroom. Tonya shoved her toe in the door.

“No way,” she said. “I’m not missing the main event.”

“Darren’s normally here… when I do this…”

“Call him, then! We can have a pregnancy test party.”

I retched at the thought. Shook my head. “I think you’ll do plenty, you can be my test buddy this time round.” I reached out and squeezed her arm, and she smiled. She unwrapped the packet, handed me the stick.

“Hope you need to pee.”

I nodded, pulled down my jeans and sat myself down on the toilet. I shoved that test between my legs and pissed like a horse.
Probably nothing. This is probably nothing.

My heart was pounding so fast I felt heady. I clicked the little cap on it and handed it to Tonya. She held it away from me.

“It’s probably too early,” I said. “Probably way too early to even know…” I rambled on about dates moving around on that period app and how it was probably nothing, how I’m sure the dates had been different last time I’d checked… probably a glitch… probably just an error on the app… and I’d definitely be careful next time, definitely… I’d buy some condoms myself, totally, a bumper pack…

“Two weeks,” she said. “You’re two weeks pregnant. Baby Trent number three is just a little tiny kidney bean.”

My jaw dropped, and God fucking knows why. Of
course
I was fucking pregnant. Idiot. I was a fucking idiot.

I took the stick from her, and sure enough, it told me so. It told me in plain English as well.
2 weeks
, written across the little screen, not the blue line shit I’d been looking for last time around.

“That’s so early,” I said. “It’s like…”

“Really early,” she said. “You won’t reach twelve weeks until the New Year. That’ll be a nice midnight revelation for the family.”

“Like I’d wait twelve weeks…”

She shrugged. “Wait as long as you want, or don’t. Pregnant is pregnant, Jo.”

“But it’s early…” I said. “Dangerously early to go making crazy announcements.”

“You are going to tell him, right?” Her eyes bored into me. “Like right now, today.”

I put my head in my hands. “I’ll tell him,” I said. “But just… I just need a couple of days. Just to think.”

“Think? Jo, you’re having a fucking baby. He’s gonna have to pull his shit together.”

“And do what?”

She looked at me like I was mentally challenged. “And move the fuck in here, cancel this stupid bloody gigolo crap, and go get
a big book of baby names…”

“I don’t want him to move back in because I’m pregnant, Tonya.” The stupidity of my actions hit hard, really bloody hard. “Not when I’ve just… found myself… not when we’re just…”

“Just what?”

I tried to stop the tears, because I didn’t deserve any self-sympathy, it was way too late for that. They welled anyway, prickling my eyes. “Not when we’re just starting out… not when we stand a chance of fixing the crap we did wrong last time…”

She smiled, and it was kind. I was grateful. “Shit, Jo. You can still fix that stuff. A baby doesn’t make any difference.”

“But it does!” I said. “I’ll be a mum all over again, he’ll be under pressure all over again, working loads of hours all over again, we’ll be busy, and we’ll be stressed, and he’ll be in the pub again, and this time I’ll have three kids and Nanna to look after and I’ll be frumpy Jodie again… I don’t want to be frumpy Jodie again!” My throat was tight and hissy. “And this time he’ll have everyone in a hundred mile radius out for a piece of his cock when I’m not looking… and what if he took it? What if I’m just a bore at home with crappy hair and baby sick all over me and Mandy Taylor’s all over him like a rash?”

“This isn’t how it’s gonna be,” she said. “Not at all! Seriously, Jo, this is just fear. It’s just being scared.”

But I shook my head. “You can’t say that!”

“Yes, Jo, I bloody can. How long have I known you two? Give him a bit of credit, and if not him, then definitely give yourself some.” She sighed. “You were a kid, Jo. It was hard. You had a million things to do, a million things to learn, years of growing up to do in hardly any fucking time at all. That isn’t you
now
. You’ll be fine this time! I won’t let you turn into mum-zilla, I promise! I like having you back as your old self far too much for that.”

I checked my phone, and I was running late. Again.

Fuck.

I wiped my eyes. “I’ve got to go, Tonya. Work.”

“Shit,” she said. “Can’t you call in sick?”

I shook my head. “Lorraine’s already pissed at me enough.”

I flushed the toilet, and shoved the pregnancy test right at the back of the bathroom cabinet, behind the ear buds and pumice stone that never get used.