Bang Gang (48 page)

How many of these women had taken Darren’s cock and paid good money for it? I couldn’t tell by looking at them, would never have been able to tell Debbie Gibson was game for it, probably not Mandy, either.

They could all be getting a piece for all I knew. They could have recurring diary appointments with the guy whose baby was growing in my belly, and I wouldn’t have the faintest idea.

I’d been such a fool to think I could live with that. Such a fool to think I could carry on without giving it a thought.

I gritted my teeth and smiled through the party, made small talk as best I could, but it was a relief when it wrapped up for the evening and I could get home with Ruby. Bath and bedtime were earlier than usual, but I was still pooped. Insanely pooped.

I’m sure I was a million times more tired now I actually knew I was pregnant than I’d been before.

I crashed on the sofa to watch TV with Nanna, and she wasn’t exactly coy with her conversation.

“No Darren this evening?”

“No, Nanna. He’s probably busy.”

Or ignoring me.

“We could do with a strong man around the house, Jo. Good for getting the cobwebs down from the landing.”

“Yes, Nanna. I’ll ask him to get up there with the feather duster next time he’s over. He doesn’t need to move in for that.”

“Not for that,” she said. “It’s just a bit of icing on the cake, love.”

I turned to face her. “You’d be happy with that? Darren moving in here?”

Like I needed to ask. Her smile was bright, creasing her cheeks with happiness. “Oh yes, love. The girls, too. Just think how happy the girls would be.”

I was trying not to think about that. Trying not to ponder fantasies for their sake. The thought of crippling them with grief if it didn’t work out again was too much to take.

I was yawning all the way through her crime programme, couldn’t keep myself awake.

“I’ve got to go to bed, Nanna. I’m pooped.”

I gave her a hug on the way past and she rubbed my back. “You get some sleep, my girl. You look exhausted.”

I felt it.

I checked my phone again before lights out, but there were no messages.

Radio silence from Darren Trent. Maybe things weren’t all that different this time around.

I tried not to think of all the people he might be with, tried not to consider that any of the women at Ruby’s Halloween party could have made a move straight over to his after dropping the kids home.

My hand was on my belly, my thoughts were all with him. They’d always been with him.

I didn’t want to cry, but I did.

I’d never been pregnant and alone before. Pregnant and scared, but never alone.

Christ, what a fucking mess.

I propped a load of pillows at the side of me and flung my arm over the lot of them, pretended there was someone there with me, pretended he was just busy, just busy with normal shit, pretended he wasn’t a fucking gigolo and that things would be just fine.

Halloween night. I could see the Drum through my window, packed to the rafters with people in daft fucking costumes. The urge for a nice cold pint was eating at me, but I didn’t go out. I didn’t want to see anyone, not one single fucking person in there.

I watched shit on TV and looked through the pics of Ruby that Jo had messaged through.

It broke my fucking heart.

I’d had a fair few cans before my phone pinged again, and again it was that fucking Lorraine bitch and not Jo.

Party starts at 7.30. I’d get there at 7.15 if I were you, make sure you’re not late for the action, hey? Maybe you can take Jodie off for some one on one if she’s game for it.

My text back was instant.

You’re a bitter old fucking cunt, Lorraine. Stay the fuck out of my fucking face.

Another ping.

Oh, Darren! Don’t be like that. You and I both know you’ll be there. Sorry if I hurt your feelings, diddums, but I did try to warn you. xx

And another.
Don’t let her get to you. I can’t believe you ever thought she’d really have you back. x

I threw my phone against the wall and the screen fizzled and went black. I threw my beer can after it. It caught the framed picture of Ruby and Mia on the roundabout up by my parents’ house, and the whole thing swayed and then slipped from its hook. It landed with a crash of splintered glass. I pulled the photo from the wreckage and my girls smiled out at me.

I’d give anything to be with those girls. Any fucking thing.

But that wasn’t it. Not even close. That didn’t even come close to justifying how much I wanted to be back in Jodie’s bed, back in her life, back in her arms at night.

Anger, so much anger, anger at that bitch Lorraine, anger at myself. Anger that I couldn’t fucking say what I needed to say, couldn’t put it out there enough to drive to Jodie’s and tell her how it fucking was, tell her that I’d rather cut my fucking dick off than have her at some dirty fucking gangbang at Lorraine’s house.

Tell her it was breaking my fucking heart.

That she was breaking my fucking heart.

That my heart had been fucking broken since the day she told me it was over. Since the day she’d finally packed up her things and left me on my fucking own.

It’d been a long fucking time since I’d cried actual tears over Jodie Symmonds.

The last time had been in Lorraine’s seedy fucking arms, her greedy fucking cunt eating me up and making it all better.

Like Lorraine could ever fucking make it better.

Nothing would ever make it fucking better.

Still nothing from Darren. I stared at my phone and scowled, shoving it back in my apron pocket before Lorraine caught wind of it.

“Excited for tonight?” she said.

I nodded. “Should be fun.”

She came close. “You shopping for you and Darren?”

I didn’t answer.

She nudged me in the arm. “Oh come on, Jodie. Don’t think I’m not aware you two are back together. I know I was… concerned… but we’re friends, aren’t we?”

I smiled. “Yeah, we’re friends.”

“So,” she prompted. “What are you going to be shopping for?”

I felt a blush brewing. “I don’t know!” I kept my smile coy. “I’ll have to keep an open mind, won’t I? I’m sure something will take my fancy.”

I didn’t say that he was being a dick, that he was barely speaking to me, that I’d told him I loved him and he’d cooled off faster than a hotdog in the snow.

That still fucking hurt.

“Seven-thirty,” she said. “Prompt. Make sure you’re there on the dot, alright? We have some games planned.”

I rolled my eyes. “Christ, Lorraine, I dread to think. Don’t think I’m doing any of that
pass the vibrator between your knees
rubbish.”

“Spoilsport,” she scoffed. “Seven-thirty, right?”

I ditched my apron, shift done. “Seven-thirty,” I said. “Don’t worry, I’ll be on time.”

“Can’t wait.” She grinned.

My phone was trashed, wouldn’t even start up.

I left it on the desk in the garage and tried to get on with the backlog of car services, tried to pretend I didn’t give a shit about this gangbang at Lorraine’s, that it didn’t matter if Jodie was there or not, that it didn’t matter if she really loved me.

I’ll be alright, I told myself.

I’ll get through it, just like last time.

The guys said virtually nothing all fucking day, banter well and truly dead to the bone.