Bang Gang (53 page)

The thought made me feel sick. “See, that’s the thing, Buck. I thought I could handle this shit, but I can’t. I just can’t. I can’t cope with knowing he’s off fucking half the village, people I know, people I see every day. I wanted to think it was alright, that it meant nothing, just another job, but it isn’t alright. It’s just not.”

His eyes were wide. “You think he’s fucking half the village?”

“Isn’t he?” I scoffed. “I’m a big girl, Buck, I can take it.”

“No,” he said. “He’s fucking not. He bailed out of Bang Gang, gave me the diary and called it quits. He’s done, Jo. Has been for fucking weeks now. Ever since you turned back up on the scene.”

My stomach lurched, turned right over. I felt the blood drain from my face. “You what?”

“I can’t believe he didn’t tell you this, dumb fucking idiot. He hasn’t fucked anyone, Jo, not since… you know. Not since you and him…”

“Nobody? Not even for money? What about the blonde in the Porsche?”

He shook his head. “Nobody, especially not the blonde in the fucking Porsche, and believe me, they’ve offered, plenty good enough cash as well.”

I felt unsteady, a bit lightheaded. “But why… why didn’t he say anything?”

“Because he’s Darren fucking Trent, I guess. He’s a fucking fool like that, Jo, you know he is.”

I did know. I knew it all too well.

“Jesus, Buck. I don’t even…”

He sighed, squeezed my shoulder. “Go after him. I know he’s a prize fucking tit, and he’s brought this crap on himself, but seriously, if you want him then go after him. He’s falling apart, Jo, breaking his fucking heart.”

“He said that?”

“He doesn’t need to say it, it’s written all over him.”

I was shaking all over again. “I didn’t think he gave a shit.”

“Yeah, well, he ain’t fucking helped himself in that, has he?”

“But Lorraine… and her lies…”

“That bitch hasn’t done either
of you any favours, that’s for sure.” He smiled at me. “He fucking loves you, Jo, always has. Loves those girls, too.”

I looked across the road, the lights were on upstairs.

“Go,” he said. “He’ll only be moping up there.”

I took a breath, squeezed his hand. “Thanks,” I said. “At least someone told me what the hell was going on.”

“Tell him he can buy me a pint when he pulls his head out of his fucking ass.”

I smiled. “I’ll let him know.”

My legs were wobbly as I climbed the steps up to Darren’s place. I thought about knocking then decided against it, tried the door on the off chance. It was open.

The place stank of beer and cigarettes, the hallway dark. I fumbled around for the light switch, flicked it on.

“Darren?”

He came from the bathroom, his face dripping. He pulled a towel from the hook, wiped himself down. His lip was swollen, cut. His t-shirt was splattered with blood.

“Come to have a go at me?” he said. “Don’t bother, I know I was a fucking prick.”

He threw the towel aside and walked into the kitchen. I followed him, kept my distance.

“Are you going to tell me what happened?”

He shrugged. “Punched Jimmy O, he punched me back.” He pointed to the kettle. “You want a cuppa?”

I shook my head. “Lorraine lied about me, I know that now.”

“Lorraine fucking lied about a lot, Jodie.”

“I wasn’t there for an orgy, Darren, I can’t believe you seriously thought I was.”

“She said you were going to her sex party. I asked
you
if you were going to her sex party. You said yes.”

“I was going to a girls’ night! I was going to buy some stupid sex toys!”

“I know that now,” he said. “Christ, Jo, she spouts some lies. I can’t believe I was such a gullible fucking prick.”

“Yeah, well, I guess that makes two of us.”

He flicked the kettle on anyway, grabbed a couple of mugs from the drainer.

He stared right at me and it burned. “It wasn’t how it looked. I wasn’t there for that.”

“It looked bad, Darren. It looked really fucking bad.”

“I know how it looked, Jodie, but that’s not… I wasn’t about to fuck anyone. It was a pissing ambush.”

“You never said you’d given it up, I never expected you had. It’s just…
Lorraine
. She’s my boss.
Was
my boss.
Was
my friend, too. How do you think that makes me feel?”

“I haven’t been anywhere near Lorraine in months. Must’ve made her fucking crazy, like. Scheming fucking bitch.”

He made me a tea and I took it. We stood drinking in the kitchen like this was normal.

“How long were you seeing her?” I didn’t know why I was asking, since I already knew. I guess I just needed to hear it. Needed to hear a lot of things.

He shrugged. “Couple of years. She signed us up for the calendar, for some kids’ charity she’s on the board for. Came to me after, said she wanted a bit extra.”

My heart was racing. “That was Lorraine?!
She
was your first client?”

“Yeah, the only client for fucking ages, too.”

I thought back three years, to me still crying on her shoulder over Darren’s engagement to Stacey. To the way she’d pushed me to online dating, told me to get over it once and for all.

He sighed. “You were getting with Brian. I’d just done the pissing calendar. The money sounded good.”

“And it just went on and on? You didn’t… fall for her…”

He pulled a face. “Hell no.”

I nodded. “Alright. So she’s a crazy twisted bitch. We know that now.”

His eyes met mine. “I’m sorry, Jo. I fucked up. Should’ve said some things.”

“We both fucked up, Darren.
I
should’ve said some things, too. I should’ve been firmer about this Bang Gang stuff, should have pushed to find out where we stood. I should’ve asked who you were fucking, should have found out what was going on.”

He put his mug on the side. “No, Jo.
I
should’ve told
you
where we stood on the Bang Gang stuff, it was my gig.”

A stupid rush of emotion bubbled up, I struggled to choke it back down. “Why didn’t you? Why didn’t you say anything?”

He didn’t flinch. “Scared of being a fucking fool. Lorraine told me you weren’t interested, said you were after an orgy and nothing else. She said you were chasing something better,
someone
better.”

“And you believed her?!”

“Guess I half believed it myself and she put the nail in the coffin.”

I sighed. “But why?! Why would you think that?”

“Because I’m no Brian, Jo. I’m just a bit of fucking rough, aren’t I? I don’t like fucking opera and strolls in the sunshine. I don’t talk all posh like he did.”

I shook my head. “Not this again! Jesus! I didn’t even love Brian, Darren! I met Brian because I needed to move on, because you were engaged! Because I couldn’t live my whole life alone while you married someone else!”

“I’d never have married someone else!” he snapped.

“You have a funny fucking way of showing it!” I snapped back.

“And here we are, back here again,” he groaned. “Round and round in fucking circles.”

“Seems that way.”

I sipped my tea and felt sick. I willed it to ease off.

He touched his lip and it bled again.

“You need to clean that up,” I said.

“Already done it.”

I sighed. “Properly. Do you have any antiseptic cream?”

He smirked. “Yeah, right.”

I tutted, starting rooting in my bag. “You have two girls, Darren, antiseptic cream isn’t some kind of crazy novelty.” I pulled out a couple of Ruby’s sweets and some plasters. The antiseptic cream was right at the bottom. I pulled out an antibacterial wipe and closed the distance between us. “Can I?”

He grunted, nodded his head.

I wiped his lip and he didn’t even flinch, just stared at me. I put some cream onto my finger and dabbed it on. It made my tummy flutter.

“I’m not a baby,” he said. “Thanks, though.”

A baby.
My legs felt wobbly.

He checked his t-shirt, saw the blood splatter. “Jimmy made quite a fucking mess of me.” He slipped past me and headed down the hall. I followed him to his bedroom doorway, stared at him as he sat on his bed, pulled his t-shirt off over his head and found a fresh one.

Now or never.

I took a breath.

“I’m pregnant,” I said.

He stopped moving, stopped doing anything. Stopped even breathing, I think.

A long silence, and we just looked at each other.

“Well?” I said. “Are you going to say something?”

He looked at the floor. “Is it, um. Is it mine?”

My cheeks burned, horror washing over me. I put my hands on my belly, fought the urge to cry. He looked up and saw my face, and his eyes widened.

“Of course it’s yours!” I spat. “Jesus, Darren, how could you even think it wouldn’t be?!”

I shook my head, reeling. I turned away and propped myself against the doorframe.

“I didn’t know!” he said. “For fuck’s sake, Jo, I’ve had that bitch Lorraine in my head, spouting fucking all sorts. You came to me for a fucking gangbang, that’s what you wanted! Another one, too! How am I supposed to know what to think? All this new hair and clothes and fancy makeup, how am I supposed to know what you’re doing? What you want? Who you’re fucking seeing?”

“I told you I loved you!” I said. I couldn’t even look at him. “I can’t believe you’d think that of me after all these years. I wanted
you
, Darren! I always wanted
you
!” The tears came, welled up. I sniffed them back but he heard me.

“Fucking hell, Jo, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, alright!” He kicked the bedside table. “I’m such a fucking prick, I never know what to fucking say. Always putting my fucking foot in it.”

I wiped my eyes, turned back around. “Stop,” I said. “I’m ok. We just need to talk… need to plan… I don’t work at the cafe anymore and I’m scared… I need to know you’ll help me…
if
you’ll help me…”

He looked like I’d slapped him. “Of course I’ll fucking help you.”

I choked a sob of relief. “Thanks,” I said. “I’m happy, I think. I mean it’s crazy, and it was stupid, and I’m scared, and it’s all messed up, but I’m happy.”

He nodded. “That’s good.”

“That’s all you’ve got to say, is it?
That’s good
?” I shrugged. “Say something, Darren! For once in your life just fucking say something, will you? Tell me how you feel! Tell me anything! Just give me
something
! I’m out on a limb here and I’m all alone!”

“You’re never alone, Jo,” he said. “I’m always right fucking here.”

I brushed stupid tears away, and he fumbled in his bedside drawer.

My heart raced as he shoved his hand to the back, rustled around in the paperwork.

No.

Please God no.

He pulled out the ring box and my heart turned cold. So cold.

He dropped to one knee, and opened the box, just like that, on his bedroom carpet amongst his dirty clothes.

I couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t fucking think.

“Will you marry me, Jo? Say you’ll fucking marry me.” His eyes were so intense.

I pulled a face, a horrible face. “Good God, no!” I said.