Bang Gang (37 page)

Then one day she’d reached for my hand.

I remembered the first time I’d kissed her, round the corner from the fish and chip shop as we finished up our supper. I remembered the first time I’d taken her, in bed at her parents’ house, listening out for footsteps on the stairs. She’d been so nervous, all giggly and breathless, the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

“We can wait,” I’d said. “Whenever you want, Jo.”

“Now,” she’d said, and she’d kissed me, so hard. Kissed me hard enough to make me sure she was sure. “I’m ready,” she’d said, and I knew she was.

I’d been with her when she did the pregnancy test, as shocked as she was when the blue line appeared.

I’d been with her when she told her parents we were having a baby.

I’d been with her when she gave birth to our little girl, held her tight as our Mia cried for the first time.

I’d always been with her, even when she couldn’t see it. Even when she didn’t believe it.

“Darren?” She smiled, and the plate was dripping, hovering between us as I gawped at her.

I took it from her. “Sorry, was a million miles away.”

“Kinda gathered,” she said and smiled.

It made my heart ache.

“You staying for Question King?” she asked. “Celebrity special on a Sunday. I think that guy from the jungle is on. Should be good.”

I nodded. “Righto.”

Nanna took the armchair and I took the sofa with Jodie and the girls. Ruby was on my lap, squirming around the place as she tried to answer all the questions, Mia snuggled in tight to my side. Jodie kept her distance, her legs folded under her, her head on the backrest, trying to pretend she was looking at the TV and not at me.

I know that, because I spent the whole show doing the same.

I had a cup of tea before I went home. I’d have had ten in a row just to prolong that awful fucking moment.

It came too soon, much too soon. Bedtime for the girls, and I’d said goodnight, said I’d be round to pick them up in the morning and take Mia to the bus stop.

It’d been Ruby that had stared at me with glassy eyes, Ruby whose lip started trembling this time around.

“But Dad…” she said. “Can’t you stay? You can stay now, right? Now you and mum are proper friends again…” She turned to Jodie. “Mum, tell Dad he can stay! He can stay with us now, can’t he?”

Jodie looked as fucking gutted as I did.

“Your dad has to get home,” she said. “He’s got work in the morning, things to do.”

“Yeah,” I said, ignoring the lump in my throat. “Got things to do, Rubes. I’ll see you in the morning though, bright and early.”

“But you’re gonna stay with us! You said so! I heard you tell Mia!” Her cheeks were so pink, her eyes so wide. “We can be a proper family now! Like Sophie Pickton’s family! Her dad still lives with her. Selena Murphy’s dad still lives with her, too!”

Fuck how it hurt.

“I gotta go, Rubes,” I said. “We are a proper family, I just got my own place, that’s all.”

“Tell him, Mum!” she begged. “Tell him!”

I wished she fucking would. How I fucking wished.

But she didn’t.

“We’ve all got to get to bed,” she said. “Come on now, Ruby, clean your teeth and get your PJs on. Your dad stayed for Question King, he’s only going home to sleep.”

“He can stay in my room!” Ruby told her. “I don’t mind! I’ll sleep in with Mia!”

“Bedtime,” I said. “Your mum’s tired, Rubes, be a good girl now.”

And she’d cried. She’d cried really fucking hard.

“I thought you were staying…” she said. “I thought… I thought…”

It was the worst fucking feeling. The most soul-destroying fucking feeling.

I needed a cigarette, needed a cigarette so fucking bad I could hardly hold my shit together, but I stayed put, kept breathing.

“A bedtime story,” Jodie said. “Maybe your dad can read you one, if he’s got time?” She looked at me and I nodded.

“I’ve got time.”

“There you go,” Jodie said. “You won’t even notice he’s not staying, Ruby, you’ll be asleep by the time he’s gone, and he’ll be right back round in the morning, won’t you, Darren?”

“Yeah,” I said. “Right back round in the morning.”

Ruby gave a nod and accepted defeat. She went up the stairs with her sister, cleaned her teeth and put her PJs on like a good kid.

“Day from hell,” Jodie said when they were out of earshot. “Talk about an emotional wringer. I could drink a whole bottle of Nanna’s brandy and my nerves would still be shot.”

“It’ll be alright,” I said, but I wasn’t so sure.

Rubes was asleep by the time I’d finished up her Rally Car Racers story, flaked clean out with her mouth open, catching flies. I sat and watched her sleep, just a little while. Flicked on her nightlight before I left.

I said goodbye to Mia, who was back on her phone. She handed it over as I kissed her goodnight. “Mum always takes it,” she said. “Ask her to put it on charge, will you, please?”

I did just that.

Jodie plugged it in, then put the kettle on. I hovered, just in case there was one for me.

There was.

“We need to talk,” she said. “But Nanna…”

I nodded. “I’ll wait.”

We sat at the kitchen table, drinking tea while Nanna watched her programmes next door. I’d smoke out by the back door, come in again and drink another cuppa, on and on until Nanna said her goodnights and climbed the stairs.

We went into the living room, sat at opposite
ends of the sofa, and Jodie looked as drained as I felt.

“This is all fucked up,” she said, and I agreed with her.

“The poor girls,” she said, and I agreed with her.

“Whatever this is, we can’t… we can’t let it affect them, we just can’t… it would be…”

I agreed with her.

“So what?” she asked. “What do we do now?”

“I’ve got no fucking idea,” I said.

“Last night was good,” she said. “Great,” she added.

I agreed with her.

“But… we can’t just… jump in… we have to be…”

“Sure,” I said. “We’d have to be sure.”

She nodded. “Really sure. One million percent sure. Forever sure.”

I already am
.

“Sounds right,” I said. “For the girls.”

“For the girls.”

Please don’t make me go home.

I cleared my throat. “The sex, Jo. Is that what you want? The bang gang stuff? Is that still what you want?”

She sighed. “I don’t know, Darren. Christ, last night was amazing. The whole thing’s been amazing. But today was… tough.”

“Tell me about it,” I said.

You’re not the one who has to go home alone.

“Maybe we should play it by ear,” she said. “Just for a while. See where things go.”

“Righto,” I said.

“That’s what you want, too?”

No
.
I don’t want to play it by ear. I know what I want.

I shrugged. “Sounds fair, Jo. For the girls.”

She smiled. “For the girls, yeah. We’ll do that, then. We’ll play it by ear. Be careful. Until we’re sure.”

I nodded.

“I’d better get some sleep,” she said. “Monday mornings are always crazy.”

I wish I knew.

“Right,” I said. “I’ll be seeing you.”

I finished up my drink and put the mug on the table. I grabbed my jacket and fished the truck keys from my pocket.

She walked me to the door. “Goodnight, Darren.”

I smiled at her, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it back.

I’d never have got the words out.

I couldn’t sleep. Even though I was exhausted and emotionally frazzled and maybe even still a bit hungover, I couldn’t sleep.

I fired off a message to Tonya, and she was awake, too. She replied with a big smiley.

How did it go?

Great,
I replied.
Really great.
I wanted to tell her I loved Darren Trent, that I’d always loved him, that I would love him until the day I died and I was sure of it, but the little niggle in my heart wouldn’t let me do it. I was too scared, too scared to put that out into the open.

Not with everything at stake.

Not with the girls breaking their hearts.

Not with the whole village booked in for a Bang Gang special.

Not with Stacey’s engagement ring still in his bedside drawer.

And??
she prompted.

I don’t know,
I replied honestly.
We’re playing it by ear, just for now.

I waited for the response.
What the hell does that mean?

I didn’t know. I told her as much.

Shit,
she replied.
I think you two need to lock yourselves in a room for a week and fuck out the details.

It made me laugh.
I’d be game for that.

But would I be? Would I really? Knowing he was dipping his wick in anyone who was paying for it?

Hell, half the women in the playground might be riding his cock all night for all I knew.

Could I live with that?

No. No I couldn’t. Not even if I wanted to. Not even if I thought I could at first, that kind of crap eats away at you, eats away at everything.

I’d never do that to the girls.

You want him,
the next message said.
He wants you. Jesus Christ, Jodie, you two are fucking crazy about each other, you’d have to be blind not to see that.

Maybe I was blind, because I wasn’t nearly so sure.

Not with his box of cash under his bed and another woman’s engagement ring in his bedside drawer.

I sighed, went to type out goodnight, but another message came through before I could. I hoped it was Darren, but of course it was Tonya.

Ladies who lunch tomorrow. You coming?

I typed
yes
on instinct, then thought about it. Deleted it.

No. I wasn’t going to ladies who lunch. If I was honest with myself I couldn’t stand Mandy Taylor’s smug face ever since she’d blabbed that she’d been fucking Darren. The thought of it made me feel sick. The thought of it made me feel like a jealous bitch, a crazy, the kind of woman who wanted to pull Mandy Taylor’s hair out and tell her to
stay the hell away from my man, you skanky fucking hoe.

I’d never admitted to myself I’d felt like that before, but there it was, lurking beneath the surface, the undeniable vitriol.

No
, I typed.
I’ll give it a miss tomorrow.

Working?
she asked.

No.

She sent a line of smileys that took up two rows, and it made me smile. She knew me so well.

Go get your man
, she said.
Fuck him senseless. Figure out the details later.
You know you want to. xx