Bang Gang (34 page)

It was so surreal. I lay back in Darren Trent’s bed, which used to be mine too. Only now it smelled just of him. Of musk, and shower gel, and cigarettes, and sweat and oil, and sex…

I pulled the covers to my face and breathed him in.

We had sex again last night. I couldn’t stop grinning.

I would have stayed there all morning if I didn’t have to get back to Nanna. I dragged myself up with wobbly legs, aching with that just fucked feeling that felt divine. I used Darren’s toothbrush, plucked it from the holder where it rested by the two girls’. I knew whose was whose. Ruby’s would be the funky green one, Mia’s would be the glitter purple. I took a pee and I couldn’t stop staring at them, those three toothbrushes, a small token of the life they lived together here. A life without me.

I wandered into the girls’ room, my heart racing even though it was stupid. I was hardly an intruder.

The bottom bunk was freshly made, the bright heart pattern all lined up neatly. The top bunk was a disaster area. I raised myself on tiptoes and cleared a monster truck from up there, managed to find a couple of Haynes manuals and a plastic beaker, too. I put the beaker in the sink, then thought better of it and washed it up, along with the dirty mugs from Darren’s bedside table.

There were another couple in the living room, a couple of empty beer cans stashed down the side of the sofa that I threw in the recycling.

I made Darren’s bed and my tummy was tickly.

I don’t want to leave.

I put his dirty clothes in the hamper then figured I’d return his washing machine favour – loaded up a load of whites and set it going.

I found a pack of wipes and dusted down the bedside table, cleaning off the mug stains.

I shouldn’t have opened the drawers, but I did.

The top drawer was the usual shit. Some of it had probably been there since before I’d moved out. A couple of old watches, some membership cards, his passport. Condoms, lots of condoms. More condoms…

Lube…

I closed the drawer, reminding myself that this was him now, this was his new thing. Just a job.

He said it was just a job.

The drawer handle polished up nicely. The one on the drawer below it, too.

I took a quick nose inside, since I’d already snooped my way through the first. Paperwork. Cheque books. A little black book. My heart pounded as I looked inside, laughing when it turned out to be car events listed not women’s phone numbers.

Stupid, this was stupid.

I’d nearly closed the drawer when I spotted the little blue box at the back. The kind you can’t mistake. A little velvet number with a flip lid.

My God.

Surely he wouldn’t have kept it. Surely Stacey would have kept it?

Maybe she gave it back to him.

Maybe he kept it in case she changed her mind
.

I took a breath as I opened the box.

It was beautiful. A single diamond on a white gold band, delicate and classy and not too in your face. I tried to imagine Stacey wearing it. She’d been so larger than life, so blonde and bubbly and… not white gold.

I guess I was wrong.

The box listed a jeweller in Carmarthen. My skin prickled, and it wasn’t in a good way. We’d always stopped in Carmarthen on the way to the coast. We went every year, sometimes twice. My parents ended up moving that way, their guesthouse wasn’t far away from there – Saundersfoot.

I imagined Stacey and Darren there, walking those same streets that we walked, holding hands like we did. I pictured them on the same beach we’d sat on, grabbing ice creams like we did. Playing with the girls like we did.

I wondered if she played with my girls on the same beach we went to.

Of course she did
.

I told myself to stop being an idiot. Everyone has a past. My relationship with Brian lasted way longer than Darren’s had with Stacey.

But I hadn’t loved Brian. Hadn’t proposed to Brian. Hadn’t bought a ring with Brian.

Hadn’t kept it in my bedside drawer for years after.

So what if he had her engagement ring in his bedroom? Who cares about that anyway?

It’s not like we were together. Not like this was a thing. How could it be?

We had the girls to think about, and I had Nanna and a job and a whole life that was already packed to the rafters without him.

He had the yard, and the pub, and a thousand women to keep serviced for the sake of a boxful of cash under his bed.

And I love him.

This was sex. Just sex. Of course it was.

I put the ring back where I’d found it and walked home in my old sandals.

I was all smiles at breakfast, helping Mum with the pans while Dad played dominoes with the girls. I wanted to say something, wished I could have said something, but there wasn’t really much to say anyway.

I fucked Jodie last night, Mum. It meant everything.

“You alright, Darren?” Mum’s eyes were fixed on mine, her eyebrows raised.

“Alright, Mum, yeah.”

“Anything happened? You seem… bright…”

“Just the usual.”

She nodded, like that even fucking meant anything. The usual what?

Ruby tipped over the domino tower in time for eggs. I watched the girls eat, listened to the way they laughed, soaked up all the stories they told my mum and dad.

Today all I saw in them was Jodie, even in Ruby. Her eyes, her laugh, the way she flicked her hair.

“Dad’s taking us rallying,” Ruby said. “And Mum and Tonya and Daisy are coming too.”

Mum smiled at me. “They are, are they? Is that right, Darren? Is Jodie going?”

I shrugged. “Think she’s getting a tent.”

“She
is
getting a tent,” Ruby said. “A big one with three rooms, I’ve seen the picture on the internet.”

“How lovely,” Mum said.

“Lovely,” Dad said.

I ate my eggs.

I took the girls to the cinema for the afternoon, some magical crap film that bored the shit out of me. I ate popcorn and stared at my phone, waiting for a text from Jo that never came. I don’t know what I was expecting.

Ruby was in high spirits as we left, but Mia was quiet.

“What’s up?” I asked as we drove back to the village, but she shrugged and claimed it was nothing.

I had a paranoia that she knew Jodie had stayed over, that it would be weird for them. The kind of weird that no kid should have to deal with, at least not until her parents were with the fucking plot. I wondered if I should text Jodie, scope out whether I should push it with Mia and what I should say if she did know, but I held back.

I made them a cruddy sandwich at mine and they didn’t seem to mind. Ruby watched TV while
Mia played around on her phone. I smiled at the flashing washing machine, load completed, couldn’t help but notice that
there were a lot more clean mugs in the cupboard.

We were getting ready to leave for Jodie’s when Mia headed off into her bedroom. I found her on her bed, scrunched into a little ball with her hands over her face.

“Mia’s sad,” Ruby said, like I couldn’t work that out for myself.

“Why don’t you go watch some Top Gear, Rubes?” I said. “I’ll be right out.”

I closed the door when I heard the theme tune ring out, sat on the edge of Mia’s bed and asked her if she wanted to talk. My heart was pounding, guilty, like I’d been caught out doing something I shouldn’t, but the truth of it was nothing like I imagined.

She twisted around and grabbed my waist, buried her face in my t-shirt. I could hardly make out her words.

“Please don’t make me go to school tomorrow, Dad. I don’t want to go to school tomorrow! Please, Dad, please say I don’t have to go!”

“Hey,” I said. “What’s wrong with school tomorrow?”

I thought about homework, some shitty teacher, some cruddy sports day she didn’t want to get involved in, all the usual.

“It’s Tyler…” she cried. “Tyler Dean. He’s really mean to me on the bus, calls me names… Says I’m ugly and stinky and makes all the other kids laugh at me. Mum told Mrs Webber and Mrs Webber told Tyler’s mum, but now he’s even more mean! He sits by me and pretends to smile, rubs my hair and uses his knuckles…” She let out a sob. “He says we’re
friends
now. That he’ll be friends with a slimy stinky ugly snitch like me, but I owe him now, and if I tell anyone…” She was crying too hard to make the rest out.

I could feel the twitch in my jaw.

“And what did the little fucker say will happen if you tell anyone, Mia?”

“He said he’ll make life horrible! So horrible I’ll kill myself and he’ll laugh about it! He’s been
getting people to block me on Facebook. I’ve seen horrible things about me on other people’s timelines.” She gulped in a breath. “He says
he’ll make sure nobody likes me, that every single person on the internet knows what a stinky little snitch I am!”

“Tyler Dean?” I said. “Lanky little shit with glasses?”

She nodded. “He’s so horrible, Dad. He’s really horrible. His knuckles hurt my head so bad, and I can’t cry because he’ll get mad at me.”

“And your mum knew about this, did she?”

She shook her head. “Only about the names, she went to Mrs Webber, said Mrs Webber would sort it out.” It broke my heart to see the tears on her cheeks. “I couldn’t tell her, Dad! Because she’ll only go to Mrs Webber again and Tyler Dean will be even worse! He’ll be even worse, Dad!”

“He won’t be fucking worse, Mia,” I said. “Don’t you worry about that.”

Her eyes were glassy. “You promise?”

“I fucking swear it.” I brushed the tears from her cheeks. “Chin up, now. Get your things together, we’re going out.” I gave her a hug, kissed her head.

“Are you going to say something to Mum? I don’t want her to be mad at me.”

“She won’t be mad at you,” I said. “And I’m not going to be saying anything to your mum. Not yet.”

I turned off the TV, told Ruby to get a move on through her huff at having Clarkson cut short. I smoked a cigarette while the girls got belted up in the truck. Paced up and down the street while the twitch twitched in my jaw.