Back to You (8 page)

Standing there in my shower, lathered in soap, reality smacked me upside the head. I’d wasted two years of my life going to therapy to try and convince myself that I’d done the right thing by leaving Tyler, pretending I was okay without him, but the truth of the matter was that I missed him more than I ever wanted to admit to myself.

What in the world was I supposed to do with that realization?

I couldn’t just break it off with Donny because of that, could I? I mean, I did love him, maybe not in the way I was supposed to, but in a real and true way. He was my best friend and probably one of the only reasons I’d made it through the two years of emotional hell after I’d arrived in Texas. Losing him on top of everything else would probably send me straight to the asylum.

I knew just who I needed to talk to, so I shut off the shower, dried off, dressed then made a beeline for my cell phone and dialed that all too familiar number.

“Alex!” was the greeting I got from the other end of the phone. “Hello, baby!”

“Good morning, Mama! How are you?” It was always so good to hear her voice because I missed her so damn much.

“I’m good, but I miss you, sweetie. When are you coming to visit?” That was the same inquiry I got every single time I called.

“I’ll try to come soon, Mama, I promise. You know with work and everything, it’s crazy around here.”
Not to mention how I can’t be trusted to be in the same city as Tyler without breaking down and running back to him.

“I know it is and I’m still so proud of you for making it as far as you have. It’s just, you know me. I miss my baby boy. Maybe we can come down for a visit to see you again soon.” In the two years I’d been gone, my family had been down to visit me several times because I just couldn’t bring myself to go back to Lincoln. I think deep down they knew the reason why even though they never really brought it up.

“I know, Mama, I know. I’ll try to be better, I promise.” I realized that that was the same promise I’d had to make to Donny the previous night, and finding myself having to say it to my mother broke my heart. I really was a terrible person.

“Oh, you know we understand, Alex. We love you and just want you to be happy!” Best. Mother. Ever.

I felt the emotion welling up and had to swallow to clear the lump in my throat. I missed my family so much. “How’s Daddy and Ashton?” Yes, I was a twenty-two year old who still called his parents Mama and Daddy; it’s how I was raised and I had no intention of changing it because of some people’s perceptions.

“Oh, your father’s doing really well. Work is keeping him busy and he’s been doing a lot of late nights trying to prove he has what it takes to become VP at the bank. He’s got a really good shot at it and we should hear back within the next couple of weeks who’ll be selected. I’m pretty sure it will come down to your father and Hank, so we’ll see!” Hank was my father’s best friend at the bank so I was sure it’d been a bit stressful to be competing with him.

“And Ashton?” I asked.

Mama laughed. “Oh, you know your brother. He’s really taking advantage of every opportunity and experience senior year is offering. He’s got a new girlfriend every other week and I think this one’s name is Sara or Tara. I can’t really keep up with his social life anymore.”

Ashton was your typical all-American boy. He played football, basketball, and soccer, got good grades, had loads of friends, could get any girl that he wanted because of his good looks and muscles (I liked to think he got those from his big brother) and he was a true gentleman. I’d always been proud of him, but I felt extremely guilty for missing out on those important years with him. “Well, that’s good. I’m glad he’s enjoying himself this year. Has he started basketball yet?”

“Next week is district finals in football, and if they win they’ll make it to State. If not, then they’ll start basketball the week after. If you make it back in time, maybe you can see a game this year; he’s really hoping you can come to one since this is his last year playing.”
Knife, meet heart.

“I’ll be there, Mama. I won’t let him down again.” I needed to start a list of all the things I sucked at being and at the top of the list would be boyfriend, son, and brother. Damn.

“So, I know you didn’t call me at eight in the morning on a Saturday to catch up on family gossip, baby. What’s wrong?” The kindness and caring in my mother’s voice almost broke me down but I resisted. Barely.

“I need some advice and you’re the only person I know I can count on to be objective and give it to me straight.”

“Of course, sweetie. What’s up?”

I sighed deeply and then relayed to her all of the things that had been going on. I told her how I felt and about the realization I’d made in the shower that morning. I told her about my feelings for Donny and how much I didn’t want to hurt or lose him, but that I didn’t know what to do anymore. After I finished the whole explanation, I was emotionally exhausted. “Tell me what to do, Mama.”

“Oh, Alex, honey. That’s a lot for you to be dealing with. There’s no right or wrong answer here. I think you just need to do what your heart tells you to do. Most importantly, I think you really need to reassess your feelings for Donny, and when you do that, if you find that you don’t love him like he deserves to be loved, then you need to let him go. He can’t really be happy if he knows that he doesn’t have all of your heart, and it’s not fair to ask him to stay for less than that. I know you don’t want to hurt him because that’s the type of person you are. Alex, you have the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met and you love harder than most people, which is why it’s so easy for people to love you, but this part has to be about him and what he deserves.” That was why I loved my Mama so much. It hurt like hell to hear her say that, but she was right (she was always right) and I knew she hadn’t said it to hurt me; she’d said it to help me.

I sighed dejectedly. “I know, Mama, but I’ve already lost Tyler. I can’t lose Donny too.” Why was I such an emotional basket case over this? I’d never been one to cry or get too emotional, really, but in the last few weeks, it almost seemed as if I’d turned into a teenage girl with the emotional rollercoaster I’d been on.

“Alex, if Donny really loves you like I think he does, then he probably already has an inkling of what you’re feeling, and that’s already hurting him, so prolonging this is just going to cause him more hurt in the long-term. I can’t tell you what to do, but I know the man I raised and I think you know what the right thing is.” Mama exhaled loudly. “I hate knowing that you’re hurting and I can’t do anything to help.”

“That’s not true, Mama. You’ve helped more than you know just by being here for me.” Why hadn’t they invented teleportation machines yet? I really needed a hug from my mom in that moment.

“Now, about Tyler…” she began and I braced myself for what was coming. “I know you think you did the right thing by leaving, and none of us really know what happened back then since you haven’t talked about it, but if you’re having this much regret about leaving him then maybe you need to also reexamine the reason you left and ask yourself if it was really worth it. It’s perfectly okay to realize that you might have been wrong or too hasty in your decision. No one’s judging you, but if you have this much anxiety and guilt over it, don’t just sit there, do something about it. Being proactive is the only way things will change. You can wallow in your guilt and throw yourself as many pity parties as you want but that will only make you feel worse in the end. You have to be the change you want to see.”

She was right. Again. My mother had a knack for making things seem so clear and I realized that I probably should have called her for advice a long time ago. “Thanks, Mama. I love you.”

“I love you, too, sweetie!” I could feel how much she loved me and I couldn’t be luckier to have such a great supporter. “Listen, I’ve got to get ready for brunch with Grams and Pop-Pop but if you need to talk more, you call me later, okay?”

“I will. Tell everyone I love them and give them hugs from me, okay? Tell Ashton I’ll text him later today.” I really needed to be there for my baby brother more.

“Okay, be good, Alex. I know you’ll do what’s right. Good-bye, sweetie.”

“Bye, Mama.”

I hung up the phone feeling a lot better about things until I realized that I still had to actually talk to Donny about everything. I decided to take the day to figure everything out and call him later that night or the next morning. Maybe some time apart would help me get my shit together.

Or maybe I was just being a coward.

Tyler

I woke up Saturday morning with a throbbing headache, and, when I rolled over to check the time, the unrelenting urge to throw up. Why was hindsight always so much clearer? Good lord, I shouldn’t have drunk so much tequila the night before, but Andrew was there egging me on and Alex’s memory was flooding my brain, so dumbass me thought it’d be a brilliant idea to chase away his memory with tequila.

Hello, hangover.

I spent a good chunk of my birthday morning hugging the porcelain throne and wallowing in self-pity in the dark on my bathroom floor. Oh, what fun that was. I couldn’t even begin to say how disgusting I felt, which reminded me all over again why I didn’t usually let myself get so hammered.

I heard the front door open and close, followed by Riley’s voice carrying through the house. “Tyler?” My bedroom door shut with a bang, which made me cringe, and then I heard him walking down the hallway.

I groaned as loudly as I could without making my head pound any more than it already was but it was no use. The vibrations in my head set off another round of vomiting which was so incredibly attractive.
Damn you, Alex.

Before I knew what was happening, Riley had flipped on the bathroom light and was kneeling next to me, rubbing my back and talking to me in quiet, soothing tones. “Are you okay, Tyler? What’s wrong?”

I grunted in misery as my head continued to throb. “Hangover…” I whispered in answer to his question so that he wouldn’t think something more serious was wrong. I realized then that I’d forgotten to text him last night to let him know where I’d be.

“Well, do you think we could get you in the shower? I’m sure it’d help you to feel human again, and it would definitely improve the smell you’ve got going on here.” He smiled that gorgeous smile of his and for half a moment everything faded.

“I’m only getting in there if you’re coming with me,” I whispered again. Riley heaved me up off the floor and I grimaced as my stomach roiled. I felt as though the toilet and I might be meeting again shortly, but he forced me to focus on him and breathe through it, which actually did help.

After we showered, which by the way was a slow and incredibly painful process for me, and I was dressed in clothes that didn’t smell like a brewery, we made our way down to the kitchen where I discovered that it was after noon already. Riley opened my refrigerator, pulled out a bottle of water, twisted the cap off and set it down in front of me. “Drink,” he ordered then reached up into the cabinet where I kept my pain relievers, pulled out two and set them next to the water. “Take those too. They’ll help with the headache.” Then he turned around and went about doing something else at the counter while I focused on his instructions.

“Thanks, Ri.” I put the bottle up to my mouth, closed my eyes and took a few small sips, then when I was certain that it was going to stay down, I took the pills and finished off the water in three big gulps. “I really appreciate it.”

I got up to throw the bottle away and when I sat back down, Riley turned and handed me two pieces of toast. “This will help your stomach feel better so we can maybe go out and enjoy your birthday.”

He walked around the island in the kitchen and hugged me from behind. “Happy Birthday, babe,” he murmured and kissed my neck, which made goose bumps erupt on my skin from head to toe.

I turned my head to capture his lips and his tongue drove deep into mouth. I loved it when he got all needy and forceful, and when his fingers found my hair and tugged slightly, I moaned. I pulled back for some air and muttered, “Damn, Ri.” His kisses could make me hard in about zero point two seconds. He grinned lasciviously at me. “Don’t even think about it.” I laughed. “We’ve got to stop by my parents’ house before we go out today and I’m not going over there smelling like sex.” I leaned in for one more kiss and then turned to eat my toast.

He ruffled my hair (which he knew I hated) and grumbled playfully, “Tease.”

I just winked at him and let him know that he was in for it when we got back to my place later.

We arrived at my mom and dad’s about two in the afternoon and imagine my surprise when I walked into a house full of chaos. “SURPRISE!” they all shouted in unison as I walked in, which did wonders for my fucking head, let me tell you.

“Wow!” I didn’t have to act shocked because I was genuinely surprised. “What’s all this?”

“It’s a freakin’ birthday party! What’s it look like?” I followed the voice and got the biggest surprise of all.

“Grammy Bea!” I rushed over to the chair she was sitting in and hugged her tight. My Grammy was one of my favorite people in the whole world and it was always wonderful to see her. She was a feisty old lady with a mouth like a sailor and absolutely no filter, which made her pretty much the coolest person I knew.

“So, who’s the gorgeous fella you brought with you?” she asked loudly, making sure the whole room, especially Riley, heard her ask. “Did you get yourself a new boyfriend and forget to tell the family about him?”