Back to You (5 page)

What was it about me that made the men in my life turn into these angry people who eventually ended up resenting me for doing what I thought was best for them? Why did they turn on me when all I was trying to do was protect them from being hurt? “I'm sorry you feel that way, but I can't keep doing this.”

He let out a long frustrated groan, one that made it clear just how pissed off he was, and then he dropped a bomb on me that about shattered my world again. “Then I can't be your friend anymore.”

“What?” My heart stopped.

“I can't be your friend anymore, Alex. I can't go back to being just friends with you when I know how good it can be when we’re together. You might not have been paying attention but we've basically been in a relationship, just without you acknowledging it. I'm not going back and I know how stubborn you are, so I think it's just best if you leave.” He hung his head and turned around to face his bed.

I stood up and walked over to him, lightly touching his shoulder. “Donny... don't...”

He flinched away from my hand. “Don't touch me, Alex; please, just leave.” The defeat was clear in his voice. I had no choice but to go, so why was my heart cracking in two?

I gasped as I startled awake. My heart was racing, sweat was dripping down my face and it felt like the walls were closing in on me. It was hard to breathe and I could feel the panic taking over my body.
It was just a dream, Alex; it was only just a dream. Donny is still your best friend, stop panicking before you pass out. Breathe...

I tried really hard to breathe normally, in and out at a steady pace, until I could feel the walls receding back to their places. That was more than just a dream; that was a fucking nightmare. I thought back through what Donny had said in my dream and realized he was right about everything.

Who was I to make that decision for him? He was a twenty-two year old man who knew what he could and couldn’t handle. Apparently, I wasn’t even qualified to make my own decisions, let alone make them for somebody else.

I sat up in my bed, trying to recall more of the dream conversation. Was Donny right? Were we already in a relationship that I wasn't aware of? We did spend most of our time together. Any night that we were free we were either at his apartment or mine for dinner and a movie before heading to bed together. We talked about everything and I felt so comfortable with him it wasn't even funny. I obviously cared a lot about him or I wouldn't have been so worried about how he felt or making sure my actions didn't hurt him.

Oh my God!
How in the world was I in a relationship with someone without even knowing it? The thing was that I loved him; I knew I did, but I wasn't in love with him. I mean, I'd never been in love with anyone but Tyler and, to be completely honest, I wasn't sure it was possible anymore.

I needed to talk to Donny but he didn’t get off work until six, which meant I had an hour and a half to wait. I decided that sitting around my apartment wasn't going to do me any good, so I got up and dressed, deciding to walk to his place. I figured I'd cook dinner and then we could talk before the guys showed up later.

I got to Donny's with the supplies I needed to make his favorite dinner—spaghetti with homemade meatballs—using my key to let myself in. That was just another indication of the relationship we had because I was sure most people wouldn't have given their only spare key to their best friend when their mom and sister lived right across town.

While dinner was cooking, I set the table and found some candles to put in the middle of it. That took a while and by the time I was ready to start dishing out the food, I heard the telltale creak of the door opening. Donny walked into the kitchen as I was placing our plates on the table.

“Hey,” he said quietly with a slightly confused look on his face. “What's all this?”

“I wanted to surprise you. I have some things to talk to you about,” I informed him as I walked up to embrace him. He smelled amazing, even if he had just gotten off of work.

“All good things, I hope,” he murmured as he wrapped his arms around me and squeezed back.

“I think so. Are you hungry?”

“Starving! Did you make my favorite?” he asked, his mouth creeping up into a grin.

“Yes.”

“Well, let's eat then!” He sat down at the table and we ate. He told me about his day at work and I thought about how to start the conversation we needed to have.

After I cleaned up from dinner, we went to sit on the couch. Donny looked a little unsure about what was going to happen so I scooted closer to him, allowing our legs to touch. “So, after you left the bakery today, I felt really bad about the crap I've been putting you through,” I began. “I know you care about me as more than just a friend and I was beginning to fear that our sleeping together was causing you hurt that you don't deserve.”

“Wait, are you saying...” he tried to interrupt me.

I put my hand up to stop him. “Hold on, Donny. Let me finish.”

“Okay.” He stared intently at me, willing me to hurry. He wasn’t exactly the most patient person in the world.

“Before I took a nap earlier, I had every intention of telling you that I couldn't do this anymore and we would go back to being only friends.” I could tell he wanted to talk but he bit his tongue, possibly quite literally, and kept quiet, so I continued. “Then I had a nightmare—daymare? whatever—that I told you and you got so pissed off at me for making the decision for you, that you told me you couldn't be friends with me anymore and asked me to leave.”

The shock in his eyes told me that dream Donny's reaction might've been a bit extreme but I kept talking. “I woke up in a panic, nearly having an anxiety attack at the thought of losing you. Something you said to me in the dream really struck a chord with me. You told me that we were already in a relationship but that I just wasn't willing to accept it because Tyler's memory has been controlling my life.

“I thought about it and you were right. I don't want to lose you, and while I can't promise that I won't hurt you unintentionally I can promise that I want to try this relationship thing with you again, but this time I want to be a fully aware participant. I do love you, Donny; I just want to try.”

An entire array of emotion crossed his face before shock won over again. “You love me?”

“Of course I do, and I hate that you even question it. I trust you more than almost anyone, which you know is a huge thing for me.”

“And you want to be my... boyfriend?” he asked cautiously.

How freaking cute could he get
? “I do.” I couldn't help the smile that took over my face. “So should we give it a try?” I asked him, my voice full of teasing.

“I never thought I'd hear you say that. Yes! Of course I want to try!” His enthusiasm was charming. “I love you, Alex!” He threw his arms around me and kissed me passionately.

I kissed him back thanking my lucky stars that he wasn't gone. I wasn't sure I could handle losing another best-friend-turned-lover. He quickly straddled me on the couch, grinding himself down onto me. He was as hard as I was and he was well aware what licking my neck right below my ear, then nibbling on my earlobe did to me. I groaned and thrust up into him, moving my hand to pop the button on his jeans when his doorbell rang.

“Motherfuckers!” he grunted as he climbed out of my lap to answer the door.

Jon, Adam, and Tanner came into the living room and Tanner gave me a knowing smile. “You boys weren’t busy or anything, were you?”

Donny walked up to him and playfully punched him in his arm. “Yeah, we were a little busy, asshole.”

They both laughed and knocked knuckles before everyone found a spot to sit. Donny came back to the couch and sat down next to me and I draped my arm around his shoulder.

Jon was the first one to ask, “So, you guys finally make it official or what?”

“Yeah, I guess we finally did,” I answered and then placed a gentle kiss on the side of Donny’s head. The look on his face was worth so much more than words could ever describe. He was truly happy, and I’d been able to do that for him. It made me feel amazing.

“It’s about fucking time,” Adam added as he popped the top off his first beer and offered it up as a cheers. The rest of us followed suit.

We spent the rest of the night talking and messing around, playing video games and just generally having fun. After they all left, I took Donny to his room and showed him just how much he meant to me.

Twice.
Yeah, it was about fucking time.

Tyler

After I dropped Riley off, I went home and showered. I felt like a total scumbag and that was not a good feeling for me. While I was in the shower, all I could think about was every little thing I wanted to do to Riley, which made me feel even worse.

Alex used to be the only person I fantasized about, which was a little disturbing considering the guy left me in the early morning hours and never looked back. I was almost positive that he wasn’t sitting at his place in Texas thinking about me.

For the first time in a very long time, I let myself think about what Alex’s life might be like now. Was he dating someone? Did he have roommates or was he living alone? We’d started living together after about a year of dating so it was within the realm of possibility that he had a live-in boyfriend. Did he ever think about me? I wondered where he was working and what type of friends he had as I finished washing myself off.

I dried off and got into my sleep pants before crawling into bed. I turned the light off and lay there, my mind running through the whole night again. Riley was right about one thing: I was single and I should be able to enjoy a night out without feeling all that guilt weighing down on me.

I had to know what was going on with Alex. I figured one phone call wouldn’t hurt and I couldn’t stand it any longer. Two years without so much as one phone call was too much. I grabbed my phone off the nightstand and dialed his number from memory, hoping that he hadn’t changed it.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

“Hello?” someone answered and it wasn’t Alex’s voice but it was definitely male. My heart sped up in anticipation. Hopefully it was just someone else’s number.

“Um, hi… is this still Alex Parker’s phone number?” I asked, my voice shaking more than I wanted it to.

In the background I heard, “Hey, Donny, who is it?” and that was definitely Alex’s voice.

“Yes, this is Alex’s phone. He’s kind of busy at the moment,” said the person, apparently named Donny. “Can I ask who’s calling?”

My heart felt like it stopped beating for a few seconds and my eyes began to well up without my permission. “N-N-No, that’s okay… thanks anyway,” I stammered and hung up the phone.

I swiped my hands angrily across my eyes, trying to wipe away the traitorous tears.
Bastards.

It was after midnight and another man was answering Alex’s phone. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that Alex wasn’t having a tea party with him. My heart hammered in my chest again and I felt as though I couldn’t breathe. Seriously, why was this coming as such a shock to me? Two years was a long time to go without sex; believe me, I knew all about it.

I may have hoped for it, but I hadn’t really believed that Alex was going to stay celibate, so why in the hell was I waiting around? Because I’d made a promise to a man who walked out on me when I needed him to stay?
Yeah, that’s so damn smart.
I’d put my life on hold for over two years for him and it obviously meant nothing to him. And now there was a gorgeous man out there feeling rejected and hurt because of my stupid actions.
Aiming for the genius of the year award here! Damn!

I hopped out of bed, threw on a t-shirt and grabbed my keys as I ran out the door. I drove as fast as I could to Riley’s duplex and jumped out of the car like my seat was on fire. As soon as I got to the porch, I rang the doorbell and then began to beat on the door like my life depended on it. And goddamn it, it did. I wasn’t going to live my life in the past any longer and I was going make it up to Riley, one way or another.
Hurry up, Riley, I know you’re in there.

I heard muffled steps on the other side of the door, then the lock clicked and the door creaked open just a bit. “Tyler?” I heard Riley’s sleep-laced voice question.

“Yeah…”

He opened the door wider and my mouth was on his in an instant. I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him as close to me as I could. It took him a second to respond but he caught up quickly and before I knew it, he was backed up against the wall in his hallway, moaning into my mouth and tugging at my shirt, trying to pull it off.

I backed away long enough to rip it over my head before he turned us around and I was up against the wall. The kiss was frantic and needy and absolutely hot. His teeth nipped at my lips before he soothed the tiny stab of pain with his tongue and his hands were grabbing at any part of my skin he could reach. My arms wound around his back and up into his hair, pulling at it to angle his head perfectly for me to deepen the kiss.

Riley moaned again and drove himself against me, letting me feel his hard length for the second time that night, and if I didn’t get a chance to touch it soon, I was going to go crazy. I flipped us around so that his back was up against the wall again and skimmed down to my knees, pulling his boxers down as I went.