Back to You (19 page)

“Of course I will,” he answered, squeezing my hand again.

Alex turned to both Donny and Riley at that moment. “Are you two going to be able to get along long enough to make it through this? Because I absolutely will not have either one of you making a scene and causing more hurt or anguish for Tyler or his family. If you need to be separated, now would be the time to speak up.”

Riley looked absolutely guilt-ridden by Alex’s words. “We’ll get along. I wouldn’t do anything to make Tyler’s day worse,” he swore.

“Yeah, I’ll be okay,” Donny agreed.

“Good,” Alex told them and then turned back to me. “Ready? Your family is waiting up there.”

I slipped my arm back through his and held on tightly as we made our way to my family. My mom and dad stepped forward and pulled me into a group hug, I didn’t let go of Alex which pulled him in too. “How are you doing, honey?” my mother asked softly, in that concerned tone of hers.

“I’m hanging in there so far,” I told her. They let go and I went down the line hugging each family member as they stepped toward me.

Karly held me tight for a moment too long and I knew she was having just as hard of a time as I was. Grammy was so important to both of us. “We’ll get through this together,” she whispered and her tears started flowing again. I wiped them away with my thumbs and kissed her on the cheek. “I love you, sis.”

Judd handed her a Kleenex and hugged me tightly. “She was a wonderful woman and she’ll be deeply missed.”

Austin threw his arm around my shoulder and pulled me to him in a side hug. “Grammy’s with Papa George now,” he assured me. “She’s happy up there. I’m sure of it.”

I nodded and Abi stepped forward to offer me comfort too. My brother had chosen a wonderful woman and it made me smile for a moment. Then, like a moth to a flame, I stepped back into the safety of Alex’s arms.

My siblings had decided to leave Lily, Keira, Hayden, and Connor at home with Abi’s little sister. They were too young to really understand what was going on and they figured it would be better this way. We took our seats in the first row of pews and waited anxiously.

I watched Stephen walk in and take his place at the podium. He’d been so hands on and helpful during the entire planning process that it was nice to know he was the one also officiating.

He started by greeting everyone and thanking them for coming to celebrate Grammy’s life. He read through the obituary then “Amazing Grace” was played which we’d all agreed on and the tears slipped silently down my face. Alex held me tighter, and when I glanced up at him, his eyes were shiny as if he were trying to hold back the tears.

Stephen then asked Austin to please come up and say a few words about Grammy. He went to the podium and cleared his throat, clearly nervous and emotional. “Grammy Bea was one of the most beautiful women on the planet. She was a fantastic cook who was happiest when she was in the kitchen preparing a big meal for her family. We all loved going to her house for dinner or holidays because it was warm and welcoming, and, let’s be honest, Grammy spoiled us grandkids like nobody’s business. As we grew up, she was always there for us, telling us how proud she was of us when we did something good and threatening to paddle our behinds with one of her big wooden spoons if we didn’t straighten up when we were naughty. She was the best grandmother we could have asked for, and we’ll miss her more than words can express. I’m so lucky that she was able to meet my beautiful girlfriend and that she got to know Connor, our two-year-old little boy. When she became a great-grammy, it was like a new spark had been lit inside of her. She told everyone about her great-grandkids, pulling out photos to show strangers in the supermarket or while she was in line at the post office. She was just that kind of woman, the kind everyone loved and was drawn to. I love you, Grammy,” he finished. “’Til we meet again.” Then he kissed his hand and blew it toward the sky.

I buried my head into Alex’s shoulder as the song “I’ll Be Missing You” played. That was what Austin had chosen for Grammy.

After it finished, Stephen asked Karly if she wanted to say anything, but she was too emotional to get up there. Judd had both of his arms wrapped around her as she sobbed into his suit and my heart broke even more. It was hard to see my family going through this. My mom was rubbing her back soothingly, telling her it would be okay.

I knew in my head that I was probably going to be asked to say something about Grammy and I wasn’t sure I could do it alone, but I had to be strong, so I said yes when Stephen asked if I had any last words for Grammy.

Alex squeezed my hand before I let go and I walked shakily up to the podium. I had to focus on him as I spoke in order to retain the strength that I wasn’t sure I had. So as I began to speak, I looked him straight in the eye. “Grammy Bea had the most amazing soul. She was selfless and she loved people. She helped with a lot of charity events and never once asked for anything in return. Whenever I had a problem, she was always the first one to look at me and say, ‘Tyler, what’s the matter? Why do you look so sad?’ and with such concern directed at you, you told her what was bothering you. I remember when I told her my deepest, darkest secret, I was thirteen at the time. We sat down at her kitchen table and she placed three homemade chocolate chip cookies in front of me. ‘Spill,’ she instructed and I did. That was the day that I whispered for the first time, ‘I’m gay, Grammy.’ I was expecting some big reaction of shock or disgust or denial, but with her, the only response I got was, ‘Okay, so what’s the problem?’”

Alex was smiling at me and nodding, he’d heard this story before but he was encouraging me to continue.

I took a deep breath and continued, my voice quivering as I spoke. “I told her, ‘That
is
the problem, Grammy. I’m not normal.’ She just laughed at me and I was quite taken aback by her reaction. ‘That’s not a problem,’ she told me. ‘So you’ll love boys instead of girls. Who cares?’ she’d asked me. ‘You’ll love someone, Tyler, and that boy will be the luckiest man alive. You make sure he treats you as well as Papa George treats me. That’s what you deserve, my sweet boy.’”

A traitorous tear slid down my cheek and Alex mouthed, “I love you” to me which gave me a reason to smile. “I cried that day as I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of me. I next told my family my secret, and they were all so supportive and loving and I realized I’d been scared for no reason. When I finally did fall in love, four years later, with a beautiful boy named Alex, I introduced him to Grammy and she grilled him. It was almost comical to watch. She made him so nervous that I though he was going to hightail it out of there.” I chuckled at the memory. “But he didn’t. He stayed and answered every single question she threw at him, and when she asked him, ‘Do you love my Tyler?’ he answered her, ‘More than anything in this world.’ That was what she was looking for. She pulled me aside later and told me that she liked him and thought that he was a good choice for me. She told me that love was a fragile thing and had to be constantly nurtured in order to keep it, and that no matter what, it was something to fight for. She and Papa George didn’t have the perfect relationship, but they fought for their love and they made it fifty-six years. I want that to be me one day, and I’ll always cherish the words of wisdom that Grammy gave to me. I stopped fighting for a while and lost the man I loved, but he came back ready to fight for me. I want Grammy to know that I’m prepared to fight now. I’ll do whatever I have to in order to keep it. Alex became family to Grammy, and I’d like him to come up here and say a few words, too. I love you, Grammy. You were my angel without wings while you were here and now you’re my guardian angel. Tell Papa we love him, and I’m so glad you finally get to be reunited with the love of your life. Rest in peace, Grammy.” The tears were steadily streaming but I didn’t even care to stop them. I just motioned for Alex to join me, and he was there in seconds, wrapping me in his strong, warm embrace.

He held me close and sniffled before kissing my forehead. “I remember the day Tyler was talking about so clearly. I was scared out of my mind that I was going to answer her questions the wrong way and she wasn’t going to approve of me, but I had nothing to worry about. She told me that as long as my love for Tyler was pure and honest that I was welcomed into the family with open arms, and she meant that sincerely. She didn’t treat me any differently than she treated her grandkids or their significant others, Judd and Abi. She loved me and accepted me for who I was and that was so nice. My family is great but it was incredible to be welcomed into the Matthews family. Grammy was indeed a beautiful soul and I miss her so much. She gave me the same advice as she gave Tyler, to hold on to love and fight for it. I need her to know I’m sorry for hurting Tyler the way I did, and that I learned my lesson and will never let him go again. I cheated myself out of two years, and I hate that I wasn’t here spending those years with Grammy. She was the warmest and most loving person I know and she will forever be missed.”

Alex was crying by the end of his impromptu speech and we supported each other on the way back to our seats. They played my song choice, “Flying Without Wings,” and I broke down entirely, sobbing into Alex’s chest. My heart felt crushed as I faced the reality of living without my grandmother, but I also realized that she was the reason Alex was back in my life. I could easily picture her in Heaven, holding Papa’s hand and smiling down on us, happy with herself for getting the two of us back together. She always was a sneaky one.

I can’t tell you what happened through the rest of the service. I vaguely remember being ushered into a car and driven to the cemetery for the graveside services but I was just numb by that point. I went through the motions and held onto Alex the entire time. Andrew, Robyn, Riley, and Donny joined us and surrounded me in a group of love and support. They were all there for me as much as they were there to celebrate Grammy’s life, and I knew I was lucky to have such great people in my life.

After Grammy was laid in her final resting place, next to Papa for eternity, we all went a reception in her honor. There were photos of her all over the place, and a bunch of my parents’ friends had prepared a lunch for everyone. I was emotionally exhausted and don’t remember talking to anyone. I know people approached me to offer their condolences, but Alex dealt with all of that for me and I was entirely grateful. I just couldn’t deal with people and I never let go of Alex. It was as if his touch were the only thing holding the shattered pieces of myself together and he knew that.

After we’d been at the reception for what would be considered a respectable amount of time, Alex asked me if I was ready to leave. I nodded, having been ready to leave before we’d even arrived and Donny drove us back to my house.

Alex sat down on the couch and pulled me into his lap sideways. I snuggled up to his chest, wrapped my arms around his neck and let his familiar warmth and scent lull me to sleep.

Alex

While Tyler slept in my lap, it was a bit awkward sitting there with Donny and Riley in the same room. The silence was deafening, but I knew that Tyler needed at least a short nap to recover from the emotionally draining day. I turned on the television and we all stared at it mindlessly.

It was nearly forty-five minutes later when Tyler woke up and smiled up at me. “Hey, gorgeous,” he murmured in his gravelly still-half-asleep voice. He pulled my head down and kissed me, and while I would have loved nothing more than to continue kissing him, we had two pairs of eyes staring at us so I kept it short.

“We have company,” I whispered in his ear. He looked over and blushed a bit when he saw Donny sitting on the end of the couch and Riley sitting in the armchair. I couldn’t believe he still had that thing. He’d hated it when I’d brought it home but I really fucking loved that chair.

“Hey, guys,” he said as he sat up and scooted off my lap, still sticking as close to me as he could get. I’d really enjoyed being so close to him for that whole day even if it was under the worst circumstances.

“Hey,” they replied in unison then looked at each other before quickly looking away. The tension in the room was thick until someone knocked on the front door. Tyler scooted off the couch and pulled me up with him as he went to answer the door. If he wanted me next to him, I wasn’t about to deny him. When he swung the door open, Andrew and Robyn were standing on the other side. He motioned for them to come in and they joined us in the living room.

No one had said a word for several long, agonizingly slow minutes. “So, are you two back together officially now?” Robyn finally asked, breaking the silence. You could almost hear a sigh of relief from the room collectively.

I looked at Tyler for the answer because we hadn’t discussed anything official although I was ready to make it permanent. “Yeah,” he answered with a slow, deliberate smile.

“That’s great,” she replied cheerfully. “I mean, if you guys can make it work, then I’m happy for you. Tyler has been miserable since I met him, and I always knew there had to be a reason. Now that I see him with you, I know that your absence must have been what was affecting him.”

I started to say something to defend myself but stopped before the words got out. I had nothing to say to defend myself that I hadn’t already said to Tyler. “I’m not judging you,” she blurted out quickly. “I don’t know the whole situation, but I do firmly believe in second chances, and if you guys are getting yours, then we, as your friends, should support you. Right, Andrew?”

She raised one eyebrow at him, seemingly daring him to disagree with her. “I’ll be honest. I’m not the biggest fan of Alex,” he replied cautiously. “But Tyler truly does seem to be happier when he’s around, so I’ll try to be okay with it. I’m still sticking to my promise from yesterday—you hurt him again and no one will be able to find all the pieces.”