Back to You (25 page)

“
Don’t you have other
friends to pester?” I push her shoulder. She laughs and gets up.
“As a matter of fact I do. See you guys later.” As she starts
walking off, she turns around and proceeds with the gagging thing
again.
Just wait; your time will come
Sarah.

“
Sarah is nuts. Glad you
two are on better terms though.” Brooke states. She rests her
elbows on the table and leans into Brady. “You guys are so cute
together.” I blurt out. They both look at me, then at each other
and smile. “Thanks Abs. I’m glad it’s not too weird or awkward for
you.” Brady finally speaks up.

“
Nah, I have my own
Prince.” I say as I take Lucas’s hand in mine and lay my head on
his shoulder. He kisses my head and wraps his arms around my waist,
holding me tightly. “I missed you last night.” He whispers in my
ear, and then kisses my nose. I look at him, “I know. I’m sorry. I
was just tired. I got home kind of late.”

“
Can we hang out tonight?”
He asks hopeful.

“
Yes, that will be great.”
He smiles and puts his head on my shoulder.

“
Alright, I’ve got to get
ready for practice. I’ll see you kids later.” Brady gets up and
starts walking off. Brooke follows. “Hey wait I’m coming too. See
ya later Abby.” I wave to her and watch the students migrate to the
double doors. Lucas kisses me on the shoulder, tenderly.

“
Are you okay?” I give a
confused look and nod. “Yes, are you?”

“
You just seem distracted
today.” I remember the conversation with my father and suddenly it
dawns on me that things between Lucas and I are far from resolved.
But he doesn’t know it yet. I get up from the table and grab my
bag.

“
Just come over tonight
and we’ll talk.”

“
I’m so glad you spent
time with your dad. It’s important that you get to know him.” My
mom says as we flip through channels on the TV in the living room.
I shut it off deciding it’s time to get some things off my
chest.

“
Tell me something mom,
why haven’t you moved on? Dad clearly did. Why aren’t you dating
anyone?” She thinks about it for a minute then takes a sip of her
coffee and sets down her cup.

“
Well, for starters I
don’t want to but in reality I didn’t want to worry about being
dependant on a man. After your dad left I decided to raise you
girls on my own. I don’t want to pick up some one else’s sloppy
seconds or their baggage when I have baggage of my own. It’s hard
to date when you have children. Not only that but finding the time
to go out with someone is hard too. There were a lot of reasons I
chose to stay single.” I think about her response but for some
reason I’m not satisfied.

“
Did you ever think you
guys would get back together?”

“
Why are you so insistent
Abby?”

“
I just want to know. I
don’t like the idea of you being alone. You need to be happy.” She
pats my hand.

“
Abby, I am happy. Just
because I’m not married or dating anyone doesn’t mean I’m
miserable. You girls make me happy every day. And if you decide to
move to New York I will be happy then too. I’ll miss you of course,
but I know I will see you again.” She gets up and grabs her coffee
cup. I still have something weighing on my mind.

“
Mom, do you still think
about it?” She stops short and looks at me. She walks back to where
I’m sitting and hugs my shoulders.

“
All the time. But there
was a reason it worked out the way it did.” She thinks about it for
a minute and cocks her head to the side in wonder.

“
You’re still thinking
about Lucas aren’t you?” I sadly nod my head.

“
What am I going to do? It
still haunts me. It’s the barrier between him and me. It’s like I
can’t let it go. What kind of future would that be?” She took me by
the arms and held my hands.

“
Abby, you gotta let it
go. It wasn’t your choice to make. Imagine what kind of life would
he have now if things had been different? Would you be with him
then?” I ponder the thought and can’t really answer
that.

“
I don’t know. I know I
love him enough to get past it. I think.”

“
You need to tell him how
you feel. Get it out and move on. It’s in the past. Don’t let it
dictate your future.” She gets up and goes to the kitchen. There’s
a knock at the door. I get up to get it but my mother has beaten me
to it. She opens the door. “Hi Lucas.” He comes in and closes the
door.

“
Hey Abby. I brought
Ashton’s truck; I was going to see if you wanted to go to the
river.” I get off the couch and greet him with a hug.

“
Yeah, that would be
great. I have something on my mind and we need to talk anyway.” I
look over at my mom and she grins. “You kids have fun.”

“
My family wanted you over
for dinner later.” I perk up and smile.

“
Yes, I would love to. I
haven’t seen your family in awhile.” I walk into the kitchen where
my mom is getting more coffee and eating coffee crumb
cake.

“
Can I have dinner with
his family tonight?” I ask as I take a bite of the cake.

“
Sure, that sounds lovely.
Give my best to your mother.”

“
I will.” Lucas smiles and
we walk out the door.

Chapter 24

We get into the truck and
the tension is thick. I know what I have to say to him but I am
unsure of the approach. I try to play out some scenarios in my head
but really what do I say?
Oh yeah, your
past is haunting me and I can’t get away from it. I still love you
but we can’t be together. If things were different, there would be
no doubts or fears or anything to stand in our way.
I mean seriously, how do I explain this to him? I
love him more than anything. I love him so much it hurts. But is
love supposed to hurt this much? It’s not like I’ve had a stable
family to go by.

“
You’re quiet today.”
Lucas glances at me, eyes filled with concern.

“
I’m just thinking.” I
look away, watching out my window at the trees and houses that
passes us by. My heart rate quickens, every inch we get closer to
our stop. I’m not sure how it is going to go down but I know I need
to get it out. It’s been eating me alive. I just want to be honest.
That’s what love is about, right? He stops the car by the river and
shuts off the engine. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly,
quietly so he doesn’t suspect something is wrong.

He walks around and opens my door. I get out
and saunter towards the back of the truck to sit on the bed. He
stands next to the truck, looking out over the water. The river is
our spot. It’s where we first kissed, many years ago. It’s where I
discovered that Lucas wasn’t only my best friend, but my soul mate.
We were kids but I loved him anyway. It’s the place I would go to
when I needed to get away, clear my thoughts, cry, scream, dream.
It was peaceful, almost deserted. Lucas had first sought it out
once, when he was driving by the area with his family. We used to
live next door to each other and we’d sneak out at night, take long
walks together there and hang out. Once he showed it to me, I knew
it was special. It became our place and only ours. There were so
many amazing memories here. I leaned back in the bed of the truck,
my head on my arm as a pillow. I look up at the sky, at the cloud
formations. The way I used to do as a kid. I loved finding animal
forms in the clouds.

“
Something’s going on
Abby. I wish you would talk to me.”

“
What are you talking
about?” I ask, knowing full well that there is something going on.
He caught me off guard and I just said the first thing that came to
mind. “You’re the one that wanted to come here.” I state
matter-of-factly. I look at a cloud formation that looks a dinosaur
eating its tail. The clouds start to break apart, making my
dinosaur disappear.

“
I came here just to be
with you, privately for a little bit. But then you said we had to
talk. So I figure we can come here and talk. So what’s going on?
And don’t say nothing’s wrong because the tension you’ve been
giving off lately is quite noticeable.” I glance at him. He’s
leaning against the truck, defensively. I take my cue and sit up,
pulling my legs to my chest and my arms over my knees. He sits at
the edge, hands in his lap.

“
Remember when I said that
we couldn’t be together? I said it was because of Brady, but then I
realized the real reason we couldn’t be together. I mean, I could
break up with him any time. It wasn’t about him. Something else was
standing in the way of us.” I gesture with my hands, pointing
between him and me to clarify. “It was never about him.” He looks
totally taken aback. His face is unreadable.

“
Okay, so tell me then
what did you mean by that?” He asks, head cocked to one
side.

“
Well, it’s always been
that thing. It was the one thing that stood in our way, like a
barrier wall. It’s still there.” He looks confused.

“
What are you talking
about?” He’s getting impatient, irritable.

“
You know the thing that
happened a few years back with you and…” He stands up,
defiant.

“
Say it Abby.” His eyes
are dark and cold. I’m starting to regret coming here to talk. I
hug my knees to my chest tighter.

“
Why can’t you just say
it, damn it?”

“
The abortion.” I finally
blurt out.

“
Jesus, Abby I thought we
moved past this. It was a long time ago.”

“
No, Lucas it was three
years ago. That’s not a long time. You shouldn’t have convinced her
to do it.” He raises his hand to stop me. I close my
mouth.

“
Excuse me, I don’t know
where you come off accusing me of forcing someone to have an
abortion.”

“
You told her to have an
abortion; she was scared and did it.” He tips his head back to get
a better look at me and narrows his eyes. “I never told her to. She
was scared because she got pregnant and didn’t want the baby. I
told her I would support whatever she wanted. I didn’t force her to
do anything.” I stared everywhere else but at him. Maybe I had
heard wrong or just assumed that he coaxed her into it. I let my
legs go and sat butterfly style, feeling like shit.

“
Why didn’t you talk her
out of it? Abortions are considered murder.”

“
Not when they’re not even
at the fetus stage. She was only five weeks along.”

“
Still, to me its
murder.”

“
You know, I should have
seen this coming.” He gets up and walks closer to the water’s edge.
I get out of the truck bed and follow him.

“
What do you mean by
that?” He turns around, hurt and anger in his eyes.

“
You’ve been placing blame
on me since we started. Or at least making me feel like
everything’s my fault.”

“
Bull shit!” I snap. “My
mother had a miscarriage Lucas. She didn’t have a choice to keep
that baby. And if you guys hadn’t been so careless and had
protected sex or better yet not had sex at all, it wouldn’t have
happened in the first place. And Rachel would not have moved
away.”

In a split second he’s in my face, seething,
irate. “Really? You’re going to go there? Wow, you’re a real piece
of work Abby. Thank you for showing your true colors. I see your
job here is done.” He storms off to the car.

“
What job? Lucas, get back
here.” He walks back to me, his eyes boring into mine. Eyes I love
so much, now dark and angry. “What job are you talking
about?”

“
I mean your job of
sucking me back in, only to push me away again. You’re quite good
at that.” I don’t push him away. But then again, I do. When things
are working well for us, I find a way to sabotage all we’ve
accomplished and worked hard for. It shouldn’t be that way. Love
shouldn’t be that way. I kick a rock in frustration. “I didn’t know
how this was going to go, but I was hoping you would be more
understanding.”

“
Understanding.” Lucas
repeats. “How can I understand being pushed around repeatedly?” His
face softens a smidge and I think for a moment I’ve seen my old
Lucas again. “I can’t do this anymore Abby. I fight and fight, but
what am I fighting for?”

“
I don’t know anymore. I
wanted us to happy, together at last. But I talked to my dad and he
reminded me of why we couldn’t be together. You got this girl
pregnant and then she has an abortion when she could have had it
and given it up for adoption. But it’s done and over
with.”

“
So why can’t you drop it?
My God Abby, you let everything consume you. But I guess I’m asking
for too much. I’m taking you home now.”

I look up at him, tears in my eyes. “So
that’s it? We’re done just like that?” He narrows his eyes and
turns away from me. “It’s what you wanted. You got it.” He gets in
the truck and leaves me standing there dumbfounded and confused.
Did I really want this? I didn’t want to break up with him, just
get things out in the open and try to work through it-together. But
clearly he doesn’t want to. I get in the truck feeling numb and
bitter.

The drive home is long, or at least it feels
long. I can’t take the silence any longer. It pierces my ears.