Back To You (19 page)

Chapter
Twenty

Spencer

“Whatever you’re
about to say better be encouraging, bro.” Mills was already shaving when I
entered the bathroom of our hotel suite to do the same. “I don’t need any of
your lectures about how marriage and the military don’t mix. Not today.”

I scoffed. “It’s
your wedding day. I’m a better friend than that.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

“Besides, I don’t
feel that way anymore.”

Mills paused with
the razor halfway to his shaving cream-covered face and gaped at me in the
mirror. “Since when?”

“Since that night
we all went to the movies.”

“Does this new
revelation have anything to do with why you bailed halfway through the movie?
That was really weird.”

I put some shaving
cream onto my hand to lather up my face. “Sorry about that. I was just over
it.”

“I honestly don’t
blame you, Hawk. No one wants to be the fifth wheel.”

“Pretty much. But
anyway,” I began gliding my razor over my face, pausing in the middle of my
sentence when I was maneuvering around my Adam’s apple. “I had an interesting
conversation with my dad when I got home, and he pointed out some stuff to me
that I hadn’t thought about.”

“Like what?”

“Like some
personal stuff about my mom, and how she felt about being a military wife. Then
he made me feel pretty bad about my outlook on the whole thing, and pointed out
that I was basically making decisions for Ellie that weren’t mine to make.”

Mills let out a
whistle. “Wow, sounds intense. Especially since you haven’t had a decent
conversation with your old man in years.”

“Tell me about it.
I wasn’t expecting a heart-to-heart with my dad to change the way I feel about
this thing with Ellie, but it did.”

“So what are you
going to do?”

I was finished
shaving now, so I bent my head to rinse my face while I thought about my
answer. “Honestly, I have no fucking clue.”

“You want my
advice?” Mills asked, drying his face.

“Shoot.”

“Be honest with
her. Tell her exactly why you did what you did in Florida, and admit that you
were taking the choice away from her.”

I winced. “That
doesn’t sound like a very fun conversation.”

Mills shrugged and
started putting his shaving kit back in his hygiene bag. “I don’t know what
else to tell you, man. Olivia and I have had some pretty shitty conversations
before, but it always just kind of worked out. I think that’s because we’re
always so honest with each other.”

I stared at my
reflection in the mirror, wondering if I had the balls to lay it all out there
to Ellie. “I guess I’ve got nothing to lose at this point.”

“Good attitude.
Now get your Blues on, we’ve got some ladies to impress.”

I followed him
into the bedroom of the suite, where the two queen beds were each covered with
the various pieces of our Dress Blue Alpha uniforms. I picked up the black
elastic shirt-stays and fastened them to the bottom of my white T-shirt and top
of my socks. They did a good job keeping my shirt from riding up, but they were
ridiculously uncomfortable. Not to mention dorky as hell. I pulled on the royal
blue pants and stepped into my black, patent leather shoes. All that was left
was the iconic black, red, and gold coat that finished off the look. I held it
up and examined it closely before putting it on, making sure that there were no
loose threads that needed to be cut. Satisfied, I pulled the coat on and worked
my way through the line of gold buttons down the middle, and then fastened the
gold buckle at my waist.

It was hard not to
swell up with pride as I examined my reflection in the long mirror on the wall.
The rest of the Marine Corps may only know me as an inexperienced “boot,” but
only a small percentage of the military earned the right to wear this uniform.
Boot or not, I was damn proud to be one of them.

“I’m a little
nervous, not going to lie.” Mills was dressed and sitting on the edge of his
bed. He was fidgeting with his white cotton gloves, twisting them in his hands
and then trying to straighten out any wrinkles.

“I can tell.”

He didn’t look up
at me. “So, distract me.”

I sighed. I hadn’t
really known when I would have the opportunity to talk to Mills about what had
happened on the boat the day before. I guessed now was fine, since he obviously
needed something to take his mind off of his impending nuptials. I only obliged
in distracting him because I knew that it wasn’t cold feet, it was stage
fright.

“There was a
moment between Ellie and me on the boat yesterday,” I blurted, sitting opposite
him on my bed.

He looked up.
“Really?”

“Yeah, just some
crazy vibes or whatever when I went down to use the bathroom. But then when I
came up, she was kissing Eric.”

Mills cringed.
“Ouch.”

“Yeah, tell me
about it. I don’t know if it was the first time they’ve kissed or anything, but
it’s definitely a game changer. This thing she’s got with Eric could seriously
get in my way.”

“Not if you can
get in between them before they get too close.” Mills had put aside the gloves,
so I could tell that he was sufficiently distracted with my personal drama.

“I guess I’ll just
have to lay everything out like you said. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Mills frowned.
“I’m not sure you want to tempt fate on that one, man.”

“Speaking of
fate,” I stood, putting my white cover securely under my arm, “let’s go get you
married.”

***

Mills and Olivia
each repeated their wedding vows with million-watt smiles on their faces. It
would have been sickening, if it weren’t for the fact that I was so happy for
the two of them. I gave Mills a lot of shit in the beginning about getting
married so young, but things had changed since then. Ever since I got the
chance to see how great they were together, there was no denying that these two
were role models for how love was supposed to be. Not that I would ever say
that out loud, of course.

The ceremony
itself was brief. The parents of the bride and groom were very emotional, and I
couldn’t help but get a little sad thinking about how my mom would never
witness this day for me. Other than the two sets of parents, Ellie and I were
the only other guests. We were the best man and maid of honor, so we had front
row seats to the action.

I wish that I had
been able to pay more attention to my best friend’s wedding, but I was too
focused on Ellie in that sapphire blue cocktail dress. Her eyes sparkled when
she looked at me, all welled up with girly wedding tears. Her blonde hair was
swept up in this messy style that I knew had probably taken her an hour to do.
I could just picture her with her phone on the counter so she could watch some
girl teach her how to do it on YouTube. Thoughts like that were what occupied
me during the ceremony, so much so that Mills actually had to elbow me when it
was time to hand over the rings. I tried not to be too obvious. It was their
day, after all. But every time I tried to focus elsewhere, my eyes inevitably
traveled back to Ellie’s long, tan legs under that short, blue dress.

Before I knew it,
Mills was kissing his brand new wife, and everyone was cheering. We took
pictures and laughed while they signed their marriage certificate and shook
hands with the judge. Olivia even tossed her tiny grouping of three red roses
in Ellie’s face, playing on the bouquet toss at a traditional wedding. My
stomach turned when her eyes met mine, and I scolded myself for taking the
tradition a bit too seriously. She was, after all, the only single girl in the
room that could have caught it. She wasn’t going to run off and marry Eric just
because of that rose toss.

Outside, Mills
gave the four parents the directions to the restaurant. Then, he swept up his
new bride and carried her to the car he was borrowing from his dad for the
occasion. It was all decked out in “just married” writing and cans hanging off
the back from fishing line. I was sure that it was Ellie’s handiwork. She was
definitely sappy enough to want a movie-like exit for her friends on their big
day. I loved that about her.

I glanced at
Ellie. She must have just realized that everyone else leaving the two of us
standing there meant that she would be giving me a ride to the restaurant. I
had driven from the hotel to the courthouse in Mills’ car, and Olivia had gone
with Ellie, so it was the most logical arrangement.

“Ready?” She
asked, fidgeting a bit with the small bouquet.

I nodded, and
opened the passenger door for her. She glanced at me strangely and crossed to
the driver’s side, getting in behind the wheel. I just stood there like an
idiot for a moment. Before we hooked up, it was just natural for me to drive
whenever we went anywhere. The fact that it was her car didn’t matter; it was
just what we did. I let out a bitter laugh and got in the car.

She didn’t say
anything the whole way to the restaurant. I was still annoyed about the driving
thing, even though it was extremely petty and childish of me. I wondered what
she was trying to tell me by switching up our routine. Was she trying to say
that we would never go back to the way things were? Or maybe I was just being a
total girl about the whole thing and should just let it go.

When she parked
the car and started to get out, I grabbed for her arm. “Wait.”

She hesitated, and
then looked at me warily. “What?”

“I need to tell
you something.”

“Now?”

I nodded. “Yeah,
Mills already knows that I was going to try to talk to you. Besides, they can
have some time with their families without us for a bit.”

She settled back
into her seat with a sigh, apparently waiting for me to begin.

“In Florida, I
made a huge mistake.”

She snorted.

“I know,
understatement of the year, but I just needed you to know that I regret what I
did every minute of every day.”

“Spencer, we already
made amends that day on the swings. It’s fine.” She grabbed her clutch and got
out of the car.

“Wait, let me
finish,” I said, having jumped out to catch her before she walked away.

She stood with her
arms crossed. “I’m just not sure why you feel the need to do this. I think it’s
obvious that I’m moving on.”

“That’s exactly
why
I feel the need to do this. You
can’t move on without at least hearing me out.”

“Fine. But I don’t
understand why you can’t just be content going back to the way things were
before.”

I chuckled. “This
is nothing like the way things were before. I don’t think we’ll ever make it
back to that place. So, I’m taking my shot. I did what I did in Florida because
I was scared. That weekend at Pendleton was amazing. It was like living in a fantasy
world for a couple of days. But when it was time to go back to reality, I
freaked out.”

“You seemed fine
when we would talk on the phone every day after that.” She moved to the side of
her car and leaned against it, so I leaned against the adjacent car to face
her. “If you were freaked out, why didn’t you just say something right when the
weekend ended? It would have been better than letting me think we were in a
relationship for a few weeks and then randomly cheating on me.”

“I know, I’m
sorry. When we were talking on the phone, it was like old times. I wasn’t
really thinking about the relationship stuff. But something happened that night
when I hooked up with those girls. It just sort of hit me how much I missed
you. And then I realized that I would probably be missing you all the time if
we were together and I stayed in the military. Deployments and other
separations would be terrible. Not to mention how it would be for you. I know
all about what your ideal future is. And it doesn’t include moving around every
three years, raising a family without your husband for months at a time, or
always worrying about things that could happen to me. Besides, I wasn’t even
sure if I wanted to have kids if they would grow up be without me around.”

She gaped at me.
“So, you were fine when we were making out that weekend in California, but when
you got to Florida you just all of the sudden started feeling like it would
never work?”

I balked. I hadn’t
planned on having to admit how long I’d been battling those feelings. Mills had
said to be honest, so I decided to just lay it all out. “This all started when
I was leaving for boot camp. I was questioning what kind of feelings I had for
you then, but I held back. I told myself that it would never work if I made a
career out of the military. I even gave Mills shit for wanting to put Olivia
through that. I should have listened to him when he defended himself. He was
right. Plus, you were with Tim, which I thought was a good thing, since it kept
me from telling you how I felt.”

“Until the night
we broke up.”

“I couldn’t hold
it in anymore.”

Ellie seemed to
wrestle with this for a moment. “But you didn’t try to talk to me about how you
were feeling with the whole military relationship thing. We could have worked
it out.”

“You’re right,
that’s what I should have done. I just thought it would be easier to go back to
my old ways. That way, you could find someone who would give you what you
wanted, and I never had to worry about putting someone I loved in the position
that my mom was in.”

I watched her as
she thought about what I’d said. She was staring right at me. She wasn’t
looking around or appearing uncomfortable. She was focused on this conversation
and I couldn’t have been happier about that. It made me think I had a chance.

“I don’t even know
where to start with all of that, Spence. There is so much wrong with what you
just said, that I’m just amazed. You made so many choices for me that you had
no right to make! You had no right to pretend that you were doing any of that for
my benefit. You were just being a selfish, scared little boy.”