B00VQNYV1Y (R) (11 page)

And maybe, just maybe, if they went back to the sex, it would erase the ache that he’d felt since he’d walked into her kitchen and smelled the cake. Since he’d walked into that house, and wished for one blinding moment that it was his. That he was coming home to her. But this was more than friendship, more than sex. That it was more than therapy between two screwed up people who couldn’t seem to move on from the disappointments in their past. Or, in his case the disappointments in his present.

“Sure, but it doesn’t get us anywhere.”

He kissed her, deep and hard, flexing his hips and pressing his hardened cock against her clit, settling deeper between her thighs. “It’ll get us far enough.”

She let her head fall back, rough, raw sound on her lips, and he’d never heard or seen anything more beautiful. How had he ever ignored this? How had he ever thought of her as only a friend?

She squeezed her eyes shut tight and wrapped her arms around his neck, tugging him down and kissing him. He didn’t like that she closed her eyes. Didn’t like that she was trying to shut out everything, their discussion, the reality of the situation. Didn’t like that he put her in the position where she had to do that. But he wasn’t going to fight against it either. He wanted this. He wanted it more than he wanted to be right. More than he wanted to be helpful. He just wanted her. It had nothing to do with helping her break through any walls. Had nothing to do with having her so that no one else could have her. So that no one else could hurt her.

He was going to hurt her anyway. Like the useless bastard that he was, he was going to break her heart. He knew it. He knew it now. Soon enough that he could still turn back. But he wasn’t going to. He was going to make the bad decision, the wrong decision. He wasn’t going to try hard enough. Because that’s what he did.

And right now, he didn’t even care.

He wrenched her top over her head, stripped her bra from her, took her jeans and panties off as quick as he possibly could, baring her beautiful body to his hungry gaze. He needed her, needed this. He was being selfish. And he was owning it.

“You’re so beautiful.” He lowered his head, tracing her pale pink nipple with the tip of his tongue before drawing it deep into his mouth. “You have no idea. You’ve always been beautiful. I’ve just been blind.”

She tugged at his shirt, and he helped her, pulling it over his head and casting it to the side before shrugging his shoes, socks and pants off. He pressed himself against her, skin to skin all the way down, and enjoyed the feeling of her, bare and beautiful and perfect. This was perfect. He’d managed to screw up their friendship enough that talking wasn’t working anymore. That sex worked better than casual conversation.

He couldn’t regret that right now either.

She moved her delicate fingertips down his back, over his shoulders, as she wrapped her legs around his hips, urging him on, urging him inside of her. He pressed the head of his cock against her slick flesh, testing her, teasing her, teasing them. Then he eased in slowly, so slowly he thought he was going to explode. She was so tight, so hot, so incredibly perfect. He clenched his teeth to keep from losing it completely. He wanted to laugh at himself. For thinking that somehow this was going to help him maintain control. That sleeping with her would have somehow put him in a position to guide her actions when in reality it had taken his ability to direct his own.

And then he didn’t think at all.

He was lost in her, in this, in the heat and desire building in his blood. She flexed her hips with each move of his, each thrust he made deep into her body accompanied by a hoarse, sweet sound from her lips that let him know just how into it she was. Just how much she wanted him. Melanie Richards wanted him.

It was that thought that sent him over the edge.

He tightened his grip on her hips, tried to get a handle on himself as he lost complete command over his body, as his movements became wild, unsteady. She stiffened beneath him, arching against him, her release rippling through her, around him. In him.

And he let go. Let his need, his desire, his pleasure roar through him like a beast, overtaking him completely, stealing his every thought, his every concern.

Mel held him tight, her breathing soft and steady in his ear. And then she whispered. “I love you, Luke.”

Chapter Nine

‡

T
HE MOMENT THE
words left her lips, she knew they were true. She also knew that she had made a big mistake. At least, in terms of not scaring Luke away forever. After their conversation, after what had just passed between them, the odds of him reacting favorably to her declaration were slim to none. She knew him well enough to know that.

Still, even though she knew she was setting herself up for a world of pain, she couldn’t regret it. She wasn’t afraid anymore.

No, that was a lie. She was afraid. She was terrified. Of what would happen when Luke finally spoke again, of what the future would look like without him. Of any moment beyond this one where he was still holding on to her, still buried deep inside of her. She was afraid of it all. But she wasn’t too afraid to face it. Wasn’t too afraid to press forward, asking for more, not just from him, but from life.

She had thought her moment of reckoning was in Grey’s a few weeks ago. That it had come the moment she decided she was going to put on a sexy dress, lose her virginity, stop being afraid of the unknown. But no. She could see clearly now that the Great Awakening that had happened then had been another red herring. A cautious step forward. Like a small animal who had only poked her head out of her burrow, and left the rest of herself safely shrouded.

A sexual relationship without an emotional component. A way to pretend that she was stepping out while continually protecting the parts of herself that were most vulnerable. It had never been her body. It had always been her feelings. That was why she had made such a weak pass at Luke and called it an honest try.

Because it had always been him. And she’d always known it would be a risk. But she’d been too afraid to try. She wasn’t now. Even being certain she would fail.

He moved away from her suddenly, leaving her cold, bereft. “What did you say?”

“I love you,” she repeated without hesitation.

“Why? I’ve been nothing but a giant asshole to you.”

“An asshole who made me a picnic in a barn.”

“And stole your garlic bread.”

“Yeah, that wasn’t very nice.” She moved into a sitting position, tugging her knees up to her chest. “I’ve always loved you.”

“Bullshit.” He closed his eyes and looked away from her. “You never said. You never acted like you did. You were never even dating anyone.”

He sounded panicked now, and part of her could vaguely understand why. She was changing his reality. Changing the rules. It was going to suck for her too, depending on how he reacted. But she couldn’t go back. Not now.

“I know. Because of the fear thing that I already told you about. I would rather have hooked up with a stranger in a bar than take a real risk in going after you and being rejected. And I told myself it was all about relationships, and finding myself, and making sure I didn’t fall into the same trap my mother did, but the thing is, Luke, I never had to worry about that with you. It was never that. I just didn’t want to lose our friendship. I didn’t want to lose this thing that had meant so much to me. I’ve been content for a very long time to take half. I thought asking for whole might be greedy. And that’s where I’m like her. Like my mother. I’m so afraid of being left with nothing that…”

“I would never leave you with nothing, Mel. Never. I can’t… I can’t do this.”

“Why not?”

“It’s not me. I just… I don’t finish things that I start. I’m not a long-haul kind of guy. I don’t do the hard yards.”

“Now it’s my turn to say bullshit. What about your garage? Your business?”

“I only do that because it’s the only thing I can do. Don’t you think I would probably be better off with a cushy office job? But I can’t do that. You know that. I’m too stupid to do it.”

“You’re not stupid, Luke. You never have been.”

“Doesn’t matter what you call it, I still have my limitations. So yeah, I have the garage. Out of necessity. Is it anything to be proud of? Is it anything to really strive for, or parade out as an achievement?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t think it is, neither do my parents.”

“Well, they’re wrong too.”

“It’s just not me, Mel. It’s not… I can’t. But it doesn’t mean we can’t keep what we have.”

“What?” Her lip curled. “Friendship with sex on the side?”

“Don’t sound so disdainful of it. You always order the salad instead of the fries, but I know you want fries. Consider this the fries.”

“I’d rather have nothing.”

“What?”

She started to collect her clothes, a tear tracking down her cheek. “You heard me.”

“I hope this is still a food metaphor, because you can’t have meant it like I think you did.”

“It’s all or nothing. Luke, I think you could give me all if you weren’t so afraid.”

“That isn’t fair.”

She straightened and he took a step toward her. She extended her hands, shoved him back. “You fucking coward! I’m standing here exposing my soul and you can’t even pull your head out of your ass and look me in the eye.”

He looked at her, his dark eyes flat. “How’s this? I don’t love you, Melanie. But I care about you. I’m your friend. There’s no reason to throw all of that out because I can give you marriage and whatever else you think you want right now.”

“Yes, it is. I hid for a long time. I hid behind you. I hid behind what was comfortable, behind our friendship. I’m not going to let you do it too, Luke. If you don’t love me, you don’t love me, and you won’t miss me that much.”

She tugged her shirt over her head, pulled her jeans on and started hunting for her shoes.

“You know that isn’t true.”

“No, I don’t,” she said, straightening, ignoring the pain in her chest and the sinking feeling in her stomach.

“You should. If you know me as well as you claim to. Well enough that you can psychoanalyze me, and tell me what you think all of my problems are, then you should understand that you mean a hell of a lot to me.”

“Not enough.”

“I can’t believe you.”

“No. You can’t. Of course you can’t. You’re used to me running away. Hiding. Not asking for anything.”

“Don’t act like that’s what I want from you,” he said, his voice rough. “That isn’t what I want. I don’t want to hide. I don’t want you to take less. But I don’t want you to walk away from this either. From us.”

“If you don’t love me, then there is no us.” She turned away from him and started to walk out of the barn, doing her very best to hold herself together while she felt like she was cracking from the inside out.

“We didn’t use a condom.”

She closed her eyes, his words hitting her with the force of a bullet. “I know,” she said, though she hadn’t been overly aware of it until that moment.

“What now?”

“Hope to God I’m not pregnant with your baby.”

“That bad, huh?”

She turned to look at him. “Being stuck with a man who just told me he would never love me? Yeah, that bad.” She took a step away from him, then stopped again. “You know what, Luke? You’re only a failure because you’ve settled into it. And I don’t mean the garage, the garage isn’t a failure. But this other stuff? Being afraid to want anything because you think you can’t? That’s all on you. I know your parents made you feel bad about yourself, about what you could and couldn’t do. I know it must have been hard to try for something, to want something, and feel like you couldn’t get it. But you can have me. No strings. The work is already done. You just can’t reach out and take my hand until you stop clinging to fear.”

And with that, she turned and walked out of the barn.

Chapter Ten

‡

E
VERYTHING HURT.
H
IS
head. His chest. Hell, his toenails hurt.

It was nearly noon and he was still lying in his bed at the Grizzly Lodge, nursing the biggest hangover of his life and trying to process where everything had gone wrong in the last twenty-four hours.

He had, at some point, fucked every last thing up. And he had no idea how to get back.

He scrubbed his hand over his face and swung his legs over the side of the bed, pushing himself into an unsteady standing position, just as there was a heavy knock on the door to the room.

He made his way over to it, wrapped his hand around the knob and jerked it open, wincing as the sunlight hit him full in the face. He couldn’t even focus on who was standing there. All he knew was that he was being stabbed in the temple by a ray of light. He turned away, just for a second, because it was too damned intense.

“Luke.”

Oh, shit. Beckett. He didn’t turn toward him, or the evil sunlight. He just couldn’t. Not right now. Not when Beckett was just another thing he’d fucked-all-to-hell.

“Trust me, Beckett, now is not the time,” he said, his voice rough from lack of use and the burn of too much whiskey.

“Trust me, Luke,” Beckett said, his tone hard. “I don’t care. I only have one thing to say to you. It’s simple, and you should have known it all along, but I also should have said it. Outright. Fought for the truth. I didn’t take any money from you.”

Luke closed his eyes, guilt lancing him, stabbing him deeper than the light had. “That’s a bit late in coming.”

“I shouldn’t have to say it. You should have believed in me. You should know me better.”

No. No, no no.

Luke turned, rage pounding in his skull along with pain, pain that went all the way down through his chest. “All evidence—”

Beckett frowned, his jaw clenched tight. “Fuck your evidence, Luke. You were my best friend. You were supposed to know me better.”

No, he couldn’t do this, Couldn’t deal with it now. If he was wrong about Beckett, he was wrong about so many damn things and he just couldn’t do this now. “If you’re trying to win some points with Kaitlin, you’re barking up the right tree. Now, why don’t you go make yourself useful and oh, I don’t know, get the fuck out of her life.”