B00VQNYV1Y (R) (9 page)

She frowned at herself. It wasn’t like lacing fingers together would automatically push them through terror and the space-time continuum and into the relationship zone. They were sleeping together, for heaven’s sake. She let him inside her body more than once a day. Holding hands was not more intimate.

And there was that word again. That annoying word that made everything feel heavy.

Why did anything have to be intimate? Why couldn’t it just be sexy and fun?

Why did she have to think about everything so hard?

She stepped to the side while continuing to walk forward, bumping into him a little bit harder this time, her hand hitting his again. She jerked it away, looked at him, then back straight ahead as he looked at her. “Are you okay, Mel?”

“Just… The sidewalk is kind of bumpy.”

“It’s not really.”

She let out an exasperated sigh. “Why can’t you let me get away with my lie?”

“Because we don’t lie to each other?”

“Fine. I ran into you on purpose because I wanted to touch you.” Her cheeks heated.

“You can touch me.”

They stopped walking, and she turned toward him. “Can I? I’m not sure. I’m not sure where the line is. I feel like we’re walking this ridiculous tightrope. I’m trying all day to pretend that nothing has changed. Then I get in bed with you and… And everything is different. Well, not everything. You’re still you. But… I don’t feel like I can…”

He reached out and took hold of her hand, lacing his fingers through hers, then dipped his head and kissed her lips. “How’s that?”

“Worlds are colliding,” she said.

“Is that okay?”

“I’ll let you know as soon as Main Street stops spinning around me.” She shouldn’t have said that probably. That was revealing. Not just to him, but to her.

It hit her then that the root of the problem was the sex wasn’t enough. And neither was friendship. Otherwise it wouldn’t matter to her if the two were kept separate. Wouldn’t matter to her if he were her friend during the day and her lover at night. It only mattered because independently they left her empty. Because she needed them together, needed all of Luke combined all at once.

That was a relationship.

That was the love thing she told herself she badly wanted to avoid.

No. Not that.

Luke had a life in Bozeman. She had a job. She didn’t want to get married. And the relationship with Luke would never be a casual relationship. It would be all or nothing. She didn’t want all. She didn’t want nothing either.

Well then. She was screwed.

“Yes,” she said, lying, because nothing really felt okay right now.

“You don’t sound convinced.”

“Maybe if you kiss me again I will be?” It came out sounding more like a question than she’d meant it to.

She didn’t have to ask him twice.

“I should wait to do it again until we’re out of the public eye,” he said. “Because if you thought losing it on your grandma’s quilt was horrifying, I’m sure you don’t want me to do you up against the wall of the toy store.”

She laughed in spite of the sinking feeling in her chest. Luke could always make her laugh. No matter what.

“Yeah, probably not,” she said.

He winked. “Do you want to get something to eat at the deli or anything?”

They started walking again and Luke didn’t let go of her hand. She felt like he was squeezing her chest.

You’re the worst, Mel. You can’t be pleased. You wanted to hold his hand and now you’re freaking the heck out.

She was the worst. But it didn’t change her feelings.

“Yeah,” she said, forcing a smile. “I want a sandwich.”

“A footlong?”

“I’m not walking into that one, Shuller,” she said, before lowering her voice into a poor imitation of his. “Yeah, I got your footlong right here.”

“I wasn’t going to say that,” he said.

“Uh-huh.”

“But I do.”

She stepped to the side and bumped his arm with her shoulder. “Gross.”

“You don’t think I’m gross.” He kissed her cheek and her heart expanded to the point she thought it might burst.

Then it plummeted right back down.

If there was one thing she knew about this kind of thing, about wanting more, having more, it was that there was a dark side to all the smiling. It was that pain lived right around the corner.

Luke would never hurt her physically, she knew that. It wasn’t about him. It was about her. She’d imagined freedom on the other side of all this. A physical release that brought the release of all those past hurts. All those past fears.

She didn’t imagine it would bring on new ones.

“Okay,” she said, clearing her throat. “Get me a sandwich before I faint.”

“As you wish.”

*

L
UKE DID HIS
best to ignore the vague awkwardness that pervaded his lunch with Mel.

It was normal, and yet entirely abnormal at the same time. She ignored her salad, and ate half of his french fries, and he complained about how she should have just ordered them if that was what she wanted. She rolled her eyes and continued to eat his food.

Normal.

The abnormal came when their eyes clashed and held, and tension stretched so tight between them he would be surprised if everyone else in the deli couldn’t feel it. He was pretty sure they were giving off sex vibes so strong other people were going to leave and get laid because of them. But mixed in with that was more. Something else. He couldn’t quite figure it out, and that bothered him. It made him feel helpless. He hated that. Hated feeling like there was nothing he could do to fix the situation. It reminded him too much of what it was like to be in high school. Failing everything. Always failing everything no matter how hard he tried.

A GED and a garage were not exactly his parents’ dreams for him when they were working sixty hours a week to give him a better future. He knew that. Still, there wasn’t much he could do about it.

“Are you finished?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she said, snagging the last french fry out of his basket.

“Little scavenger,” he said, picking up her basket and his and walking over to the trashcan by the door.

Just as he did, the door swung open and he came face-to-face with his sister, Kaitlin, who had been doing her very best to avoid him the past few weeks. “Luke,” she said, her eyes round.

“Yeah, did you think that I left town?”

“I wondered.”

He scowled. “You wouldn’t have had to wonder if you would have answered any of my phone calls.”

“I’ve been a little bit busy dealing with the epic curveball that I was just thrown in my life, nothing personal.”

“What’s going on with you and Beckett?”

Kaitlin’s brows locked together. “Beckett is currently making like a burrowing owl up in my apartment.”

“I have no idea what that means.”

“It means he moved into my house,” she said. “Without giving you a biology lesson.”

“What? So he sells his stake in the business, is currently unemployed, knocks you up, and then moves in with you?”

Kaitlin’s hands curled into fists. “It isn’t like that.”

“I have half a mind to go over and boot his ass out.”

Kaitlin growled and Luke took a step back. He wasn’t used to his sister being quite so pigheaded. “Beckett is my problem, not yours. I’ll decide what to do with him when I’m ready.”

“Or, maybe you make a decision when he isn’t in your space trying to force your hand.”

“I didn’t say he was in my space. I didn’t say that I wanted him gone.”

“Well, do you want him there?”

She said nothing, she just stared straight ahead, her eyes glittering, her expression defiant.

“I didn’t think so. You need to get rid of him, the sooner the better. You’re going to have Mom and Dad’s support. You know you have mine. That is going to be nothing but a drain on you. You don’t need him involved.”

“It’s not your decision to make, Luke.”

“Why? You think you should make the decision? Because you make such great ones? Obviously you have a blind spot where he’s concerned.”

“Or maybe you do!”

“Probably not. Since I’m not the one sleeping with him.”

Kaitlin clenched her teeth together. “Don’t treat me like a child. I’m not a child. And you can’t make this decision for me. More than that, I don’t want your opinion. This is why I’ve been avoiding your phone calls.”

“Because I’m logical and I speak the truth?”

“Because you are an overbearing asshat.” She spread her arms wide.

“Possibly because the people in my life seem to need that.”

Kaitlin whirled around like she was going to walk straight back out the door, then turned back to face him. “You seem to think that. About everyone but you. Maybe intervene in your own stuff, huh?”

“Me? I’m fine.” He shoved his hands in his pockets, very carefully not looking back at Melanie.

“Well, maybe someday when you aren’t so obsessed with my decisions, you’ll realize you don’t make very many of your own. And you’ll realize that you actually aren’t fine. But until then? Don’t call me. Don’t pressure me. I have enough on my plate without putting up with your white knight complex. Newsflash, I do not feel rescued by you. Not only that, I don’t want to be.” She looked ahead at the sandwich counter. “I want to storm out. But I need a sandwich. So I’m not going to storm out. But you don’t talk to me.”

She swept past him, moving to get in line at the counter, her frame vibrating with rage.

And he just stood there. Forbidden from talking to his own damn sister.

He felt a hand on his back and he turned around and saw Mel, looking at him with large eyes. “Is there anything…”

“No,” he said, his voice rough. “Let’s go.”

“Are you sure I can’t…”

“Leave it. She doesn’t want to talk.”

“Does that mean you should let her…not talk?”

He let out a long breath and pushed the door open, walking out onto the street, taking a deep breath and filling his lungs with the thin, cool air. He heard Melanie’s footsteps behind him, heard the door close.

“Yes, Mel, I’m going to let her not talk,” he said. “Because she doesn’t want anything from me. She doesn’t want my advice. She’s making a huge fucking mistake.”

“What? Trying to make it work with the father of her baby?”

“With
Beckett
,” he spat.

“I know you think Beckett stole from you…”

“No one else could have done it, Mel. No one. I was out of town checking out some classic cars at auction, and he was there. He was in charge. He was the one with keys and access and…I trusted that bastard. I defended him when no one else did, and he turned out to be what everyone said.” He took another breath. “I guess you can’t hide that shit forever.”

“What shit?” she asked, crossing her arms beneath her breasts.

He paused a beat to look at her breasts, then continued. “Who you really are. If you’re a worthless son of a bitch it comes out eventually.”

“Is that what you think? That we’re all just kind of down to the worst parts of ourselves? Slaves to them?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe.”

“So my father didn’t have a choice when he hit me? When he hit my mother? It was just part of who he was?”

His stomach tightened. “I didn’t say that.”

“If it was fate, Luke, was he really wrong?”

“Yes, he was wrong.”

“Does that mean we were meant to be victims?”

“I said that wasn’t what I meant.”

Mel nodded slowly. “It is what you mean. Whether or not you realize it. You don’t think people have a choice. You think they just have to wait for the inevitable and give in. You think ultimately we’re just going to turn into the worst that we are.”

“There are things you can’t control.”

“So you have to run around trying to control all the things that can be controlled?”

“Yes!” As soon as he said the word, he realized it was true. That he was so damn concerned about all the details of everyone around him because he wanted to focus on the things he could fix. Not the things he couldn’t.

Not his own future. His own stupid brain.

It helped to believe that other people were in the same boat too. That there were things they couldn’t change, just like he couldn’t change the dyslexia. Couldn’t ever make it go away, or get on top of it. Couldn’t seem to transcend it. There was a reason he worked on cars. He didn’t think he was stupid, you had to remember a hell of a lot of information to do his job. But there was a limit to what he could do. He found peace working with his hands, because at least he felt competent. At least he didn’t feel like he was struggling.

His parents had never seen that. His parents had always thought more hard work was necessary. But there had been no amount of hard work that could push through blocks of words on a page that he just couldn’t decode.

“That doesn’t work.”

“So what?” he asked, knowing he sounded ridiculous.

“This is how you lose friends.” She put her hand on his shoulder. “And sisters.”

“Am I going to lose you?” he asked. The idea made his stomach tighten further, made it difficult for him to breathe.

“Not if you stop being an ass.” She smiled, but there was something missing from her smile. But he didn’t want to look too deeply into that.

“I’ll do my best.” Though, on the theme of the conversation they’d just been having, he wondered if he was just destined to fall back into it. “I need to ask you a question.”

“Okay.” She looked a little bit nervous, and he felt a little bit nervous. So that seemed fair.

“Has this helped you? Just, speaking of moving on, of being able to control things and make choices. Has what we’ve been doing actually helped you with that?” He had the terrible feeling, in this brief moment of self-awareness, that all he’d really been doing was finding a controlled, acceptable way for him to slake the lust that had been building inside of him for Mel over the past month. “Do you feel… Normal now?”

Melanie laughed. “I don’t know if anything about this is normal, Luke. But I like it.” She looked away. “I like you.”

“But it’s not normal. It hasn’t… Fixed anything.”

“There’s nothing normal about sleeping with a guy at night and going back to being friends during the day. I’m not complaining. It’s just different.”