B003B0W1QC EBOK (9 page)
Authors: Dossie Easton,Catherine A. Liszt
Dossie remembers a time when she was working in a mental health agency and she realized that she had become so reluctant to talk about anything about sex, lest she betray her difference by saying something too outrageous, that the people around her believed her to be somewhat old-fashioned and conservative, possibly a prude. It was acutely uncomfortable to be treated like someone other than who she is, and yet, if she had openly discussed her lifestyle, it would have been shocking and disturbing to her coworkers.
So when we, as kinky people, spend significant time in non-kinky space, we may feel depressed, or that we are losing our identity, because we cannot communicate about what is important to us - or even honestly present ourselves to the people we are with.
Isn’t it understandable that people would want to show pride in themselves by talking, even boasting a little, about their partners, spouses, families and loved ones? Kinky people, and other sexual minorities, don’t get to do that. We become curiously silent when conversation turns to husbands, wives, dating and the like. You might imagine there is no love in our lives. You might even offer to arrange blind dates for us. Many of you have.
Hiding your truth
. And when we have to hide our truth, then how can we feel good about ourselves, how can we outgrow our cultural heritage of shame about our desires? All people in oppressed minorities get stuck having to deal with internalized oppression, which is that nasty voice within that learned a long time ago that we ought to be different from who we are, and keeps telling us that we are not okay. These messages are hard to overcome. And when we suspect that if our parents or kids or friends find out about our love lives they might treat us with disgust, we have an even harder time achieving any form of self-acceptance.
. And when we have to hide our truth, then how can we feel good about ourselves, how can we outgrow our cultural heritage of shame about our desires? All people in oppressed minorities get stuck having to deal with internalized oppression, which is that nasty voice within that learned a long time ago that we ought to be different from who we are, and keeps telling us that we are not okay. These messages are hard to overcome. And when we suspect that if our parents or kids or friends find out about our love lives they might treat us with disgust, we have an even harder time achieving any form of self-acceptance.
When we choose to stop hiding, there is no middle ground. A kinky person who comes out of the closet becomes sensationally conspicuous. We are often accused of “flaunting it,” but as long as there is so little public acceptance and understanding, there is actually no low-key way to be open about our lifestyle.
And why shouldn’t we flaunt it? Aren’t all of us proud of our relationships? Is it flaunting to walk down the aisle in a huge white dress so everybody can celebrate our happiness? Is it flaunting to walk down that same aisle in a leather corset, which might better express our intentions? We look forward to the day when kinky people can walk down the street arm-in-arm like any other turned-on couple in love and people will smile and say “Look, aren’t they sweet.”
Confidentiality.
There are real-world consequences of being out of the closet that go far beyond disapproving glances. We get arrested and convicted of sex crimes, we lose our jobs, our homes, our children and our families. We can lose our financial security defending ourselves from criminal charges or hostile divorces. And all for behavior that harms no one.
There are real-world consequences of being out of the closet that go far beyond disapproving glances. We get arrested and convicted of sex crimes, we lose our jobs, our homes, our children and our families. We can lose our financial security defending ourselves from criminal charges or hostile divorces. And all for behavior that harms no one.
Some years back a married couple, very wonderful kinky friends of ours, lived in the closet in a small city where they sincerely enjoyed their work as high school teachers. The police found out about their personal lives, searched their home, confiscated their toys, their costumes and their play furniture, and splashed their names all over the front pages of newspapers statewide. They were professionally ruined, even though the kids they taught knew nothing about their private life until the police and the headlines told them. Newspaper articles featured quotes from school parents: “But they seemed like such nice people!” Well, that’s true, we know them - they are genuinely very nice people.
Why did these nice people have to give up their professional lives? Why were they not allowed to be good teachers, to make a contribution to those high school kids? Even being in the closet wasn’t enough to protect them from prosecution.
This means something very important for you, our reader. When your friend with the unusual sexual lifestyle confides in you, he is demonstrating great trust in you. If you betray his confidentiality, if you gossip about him, if you complain about him, you might be endangering him in very concrete ways. If this is a person you care about, please be careful about his safety.
A culture in the closet.
Inside the S/M closet, the sexual minority’s “ghetto,” you may be surprised to learn that there is a large and very active community. Most major cities in the U.S. have a variety of support groups for people of alternative sexualities. The Resource Guide in the back of this book lists some of them.
Inside the S/M closet, the sexual minority’s “ghetto,” you may be surprised to learn that there is a large and very active community. Most major cities in the U.S. have a variety of support groups for people of alternative sexualities. The Resource Guide in the back of this book lists some of them.
These groups function as clubs, usually screening their members and requiring a membership fee and attendance at an orientation before an individual can become a full member. Some of these support groups restrict their membership to a particular population by gender and/or orientation, like some lesbian and gay male groups. Still others specialize in particular behaviors like spanking, particular forms of drag like cross-dressing or baby clothes, or particular fetishes like cigar-smoking or high-heeled shoes.
The larger and more active clubs typically offer meetings once or twice a month, discussion groups, a newsletter and/or a web page, and access to a lot of volunteer work, which is a great way to make new friends and keep that newsletter coming out. These clubs protect their membership lists and have a very high regard for confidentiality.
Support group program meetings often feature a guest speaker, who might offer information and a demonstration of a particular kinky activity, such as how to do rope bondage or use an English cane. The speakers are usually experienced players who are willing to hand down what they have learned to those with less experience, and so club meetings offer the member an opportunity to listen to and meet veteran players who already do whatever it might be that a newer member would like to try.
The S/M “lecture/demo” in certain circles has become an art form in itself, offering technical information about safety, materials and technique in a theatrical atmosphere, culminating in a brief demonstration /performance.
Another meeting might feature a speaker leading a discussion: communication in S/M scenes, incorporating play personae into real-world relationships, or even how to come out to your family and friends. Some groups alternate between discussion and demos so all the important stuff gets covered.
The first purpose of a support group meeting is to offer a safe and supportive space in which its members can talk about and learn about kinkiness. People do meet potential partners at support group meetings, but intrusive cruising is considered rude. A support group is not usually designed to be a meat market.
This brings us back to what we mentioned before: one of the first difficulties all of us run into when we decide to expand our sexual lifestyles is that we have little or no language that feels safe and is explicit enough to be accurate, in which to describe to another person what it is that we would like to share with them. One of the tremendous benefits of joining a support group and attending meetings is that the members get together and talk about their sexuality, and so everyone gets to practice finding language that works to express themselves.
Support groups may also put on parties, social events, potlucks: Halloween is a favorite time. Social events are often held as fundraisers for a member who has had an accident or is dealing with serious illness or needs financial support for legal defense: the community works to take care of its own.
In some major cities, informational workshops are put on by small business specializing in sex and kink education, usually advertised in the gay papers or whichever local papers carry the “wild side” personal ads. Such workshops do not require membership, but just a fee to attend, and are a great way for people to check out some information about kink without taking the larger step of joining a group or community. The workshop leaders, again, routinely demonstrate their skills while providing information about how things work, safety and technique.
People who attend workshops and support group meetings are not required to participate in any kinky activities unless they choose to; in these environments it is okay to watch.
Play parties.
Some kinkyfolk like to gather together for play parties, which means that a group of people, usually from a carefully controlled guest list, get together at someone’s house or studio to do kinky play as a group. The places where we play are often set up with special furniture or equipment that you wouldn’t find in most homes - bondage tables, slings, cages and the like. Play parties usually have set rules about safer sex and the etiquette that works to respect each other’s personal space in an environment that Miss Manners doesn’t cover. Many people arrive at play parties with a plan to play a particular scene with one or more partners - others come solo to meet people and perhaps have a new adventure. Because the same group of people tend to come back to the same parties, a protective community can be formed, and play with new people is very safe with your friends all around you.
Some kinkyfolk like to gather together for play parties, which means that a group of people, usually from a carefully controlled guest list, get together at someone’s house or studio to do kinky play as a group. The places where we play are often set up with special furniture or equipment that you wouldn’t find in most homes - bondage tables, slings, cages and the like. Play parties usually have set rules about safer sex and the etiquette that works to respect each other’s personal space in an environment that Miss Manners doesn’t cover. Many people arrive at play parties with a plan to play a particular scene with one or more partners - others come solo to meet people and perhaps have a new adventure. Because the same group of people tend to come back to the same parties, a protective community can be formed, and play with new people is very safe with your friends all around you.
What do we get out of this? Along with indulging any taste we may have to show off, we also get to see what other people do. Deprivatizing sex changes a lot of things: people, relationships, even cultures. When you can see how other people enjoy their sex life, how gorgeous they look when they have an orgasm, you get powerful permission to explore and enjoy your own sexuality. And sometimes, other people see you and they may tell you afterward how wonderful you were. Positive support for sexuality doesn’t have to be a rare thing.
Leather bars.
The gay male kink scene, and to some degree the lesbian scene as well, does a great deal of its socializing, support and cruising in bars set up and advertised (in newspapers in big cities, by word-of-mouth in small ones) for this purpose.
The gay male kink scene, and to some degree the lesbian scene as well, does a great deal of its socializing, support and cruising in bars set up and advertised (in newspapers in big cities, by word-of-mouth in small ones) for this purpose.
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