B003B0W1QC EBOK (5 page)
Authors: Dossie Easton,Catherine A. Liszt
Bondage is a turn-on for a number of reasons. When someone is in bondage, there’s no question about which partner is the active party and which is the recipient ― the bondage clarifies the roles and relieves the anxiety of wondering “is it okay to just lie here or should I be doing something?” Bondage increases helplessness ― a very sexy sensation for people who are turned on to consensually giving up or taking power.
Bondage involves technical skill: if you have tried playing tie-up, you have probably discovered that it takes a lot of forethought to avoid uncomfortable stretches in the shoulders and thighs, and to prevent unwanted tingling or numbness. Bondage equipment is usually designed to look scary ― black leather and all that ― while being utterly and completely comfortable. Wrist and ankle cuffs are padded or lined with fur to prevent chafing, and are wide enough to distribute stress so the wearer can safely yank on them to his heart’s content. This exemplifies the essential paradox of S/M: looks real scary, feels real comfy.
The physical constraint of the bondage enables the receptive party to build orgasm-boosting muscle tension by yanking against the ropes or cuffs. Restraint also gives the bound person the freedom to thrash all she wants without knocking her partner off the bed.
Some people also enjoy bondage which is purely decorative, bondage which forces the body into challenging positions, or bondage which boosts sensation in sensitive parts of the body like breasts or genitals. For many of us, rope in and of itself is very sexy stuff.
Corsets and other forms of body constriction slow down the wearer’s breathing, alter the way he moves, and reshape the body - an experience which many kinky people find entrancing and extremely erotic (as do their partners, who get to look at the results).
Some types of bondage also alter the senses. Many kinkyfolk enjoy having their attention turned inward through the use of a blindfold, which eliminates many distractions and enhances physical sensation by increasing focus. You can get an idea of how this feels by closing your eyes and running your fingers lightly over the inside of your forearm: touch feels much more intense in the dark. Similarly, earplugs can reduce hearing, and gags can change our relationship to the world around us by slowing down our breathing and reducing our ability to communicate. All these tools offer us the chance to experience the world differently, to create a special sexual space unlike any other, and to become pleasantly dependent on a loved and trusted partner.
Kink with and without pain.
It may surprise you to learn that a lot of kinky behaviors that sound scary and painful, such as whipping or flogging, may not involve any pain at all.
It may surprise you to learn that a lot of kinky behaviors that sound scary and painful, such as whipping or flogging, may not involve any pain at all.
If you hear about a whip, you may picture something Simon Legree-ish - long and snaky and likely to tear flesh with a single stroke. But the whip your kinky friend is saving up to buy is far more likely to be many strips of soft, sensual suede or leather, bound into a beautifully braided handle, and designed to fall upon skin with a sexy caress ranging from the gentlest stroking to a deep thump that feels more like massage than torture. Such whips, called “floggers,” are used at the beginning of many scenes to warm up the skin to a glowing pink and get both players into the rhythm of the play. These sensations can be sensual, sexual and utterly delightful in and of themselves, and many players never get into anything you would describe as painful.
It may also surprise you to learn that a large percentage of those who try sensual whips find themselves desiring something stronger, more intense: floggers made of heavier, harsher leather or rubber, or the blazing sting of the cane.
A lot of the toys we use in our play are available in a wide spectrum of sensations. Some players collect a variety of clamps or clips, such as wooden clothespins, to pinch up a bit of skin ― depending on the stiffness of the spring, the sensation varies from mild pressure like a lover’s gentle pinch to very intense biting sensations. Candle wax, which is spilled onto the skin in droplets or streams, may be the temperature of the water from your shower head, or hot enough to pinken the skin it touches.
People who like the more intense range of sensation - we sometimes call ourselves “pain sluts” or “pain pigs,” which is
not
an insult in our world - often surprise ourselves during play with our ability to enjoy sensations that would seem horribly painful at another time. The protected space of S/M play, the turn-on of enacting our best fantasies, and the skill of our partners in warming us up and entrancing us, can induce an altered state of consciousness in which we perceive intense sensations as magical arousal.
not
an insult in our world - often surprise ourselves during play with our ability to enjoy sensations that would seem horribly painful at another time. The protected space of S/M play, the turn-on of enacting our best fantasies, and the skill of our partners in warming us up and entrancing us, can induce an altered state of consciousness in which we perceive intense sensations as magical arousal.
But if painplay isn’t your fantasy, it can be hard to understand how anyone could seek out some of these more challenging sensations, much less get turned on by them. It may help to remember some of the sensations you may have enjoyed during “conventional” sex: scratching, biting, hickeys, hair-pulling and the like. Many people find that when they are sexually aroused, such sensations take on new attributes ― they’re still painful, but it’s a different kind of pain, not unpleasant but simply intense and arousing. Or consider some of the physical extremes to which you may have enjoyed pushing your body in pursuit of a sport or other goal, and how happy and blissed-out and relaxed you felt afterwards. People who enjoy strong physical sensations often report both the arousal and the relaxation as part of their pleasure.
Pain in S/M doesn’t mean whopping someone with a two-by-four. The pain we play with is very specially selected, controlled, and timed. Expert players learn to recognize the body’s different responses to “thud” or “sting.” A skilled player has astonishing intuition about when jolts of sensation should be applied one at a time, allowing the body to process the feeling fully before the next stroke, and when they should fall like rain, carrying the bottom on a river of sensation that moves too fast to resist.
Pain players become adept at “surfing” the pain, and reaching the various physical and mental states to which play can bring us. Pain might serve to increase the focus of a scene, to enact a punishment, or to make the feeling of powerlessness more real - but many players come to enjoy pain for pain’s sake. Enthusiastic pain fans do a lot of safe, sane and consensual sharing of ways to get plenty of that “just right” pain to fly with.
Cross-dressing
. Wearing the clothing of the opposite sex as an erotic turn-on is called cross-dressing. For example, many men enjoy putting on women’s clothing and allowing the female side of themselves to come to the surface; likewise, many women prefer to present themselves - perhaps occasionally for fun, or perhaps most or all of the time as an ongoing expression of identity - with male clothing and demeanor. People may cross-dress in private, as part of a masturbation ritual. Or they may make dates with partners during which they dress and play the part of the opposite gender as the role-play in a sexual, sometimes BDSM, scene.
. Wearing the clothing of the opposite sex as an erotic turn-on is called cross-dressing. For example, many men enjoy putting on women’s clothing and allowing the female side of themselves to come to the surface; likewise, many women prefer to present themselves - perhaps occasionally for fun, or perhaps most or all of the time as an ongoing expression of identity - with male clothing and demeanor. People may cross-dress in private, as part of a masturbation ritual. Or they may make dates with partners during which they dress and play the part of the opposite gender as the role-play in a sexual, sometimes BDSM, scene.
Some cross-dress because they find a special eroticism in the clothes, or in switching gender roles, or sometimes simply because the aspect of themselves that comes to the surface in such attire feels more natural and comfortable to them than their day-to-day selves. People who cross-dress may be gay or straight or bisexual, and may or may not be involved in other forms of kinky play.
Transgendered people cross-dress because they actually feel themselves to be of a gender other than simply male or female as evidenced by their genitals. Those who live full-time in their chosen gender are called transsexual. They may go on to seek out hormone therapy and/or surgery so that their bodies match their spirits. Others may find their true selves somewhere between the genders, and employ a variety of strategies, in dress and behavior, to express themselves to others. We have listed some resources for transgendered people and their families in the Resource Guide.
Fetishes
. Almost everybody has had the experience of having their sexual reaction heightened by an inanimate object. Not you? think again: ever been turned on by your lady friend’s sudden appearance in a garter belt and heels, or your gentleman friend’s tight t-shirt or pungent pipe smoke or scuffed cowboy boots?
. Almost everybody has had the experience of having their sexual reaction heightened by an inanimate object. Not you? think again: ever been turned on by your lady friend’s sudden appearance in a garter belt and heels, or your gentleman friend’s tight t-shirt or pungent pipe smoke or scuffed cowboy boots?
Some people’s reactions to objects are so unusual or strong that they get labeled “fetishes.” What is or isn’t considered a fetish is largely a matter of what culture you’re brought up in - being turned on to large breasts is so commonplace in the U.S. that nobody thinks of it as a fetish, but an attraction to tiny delicate feet, which would be nothing unusual in China, would probably be considered kinky here. (And vice versa.)
Some common fetishes include clothing items like shoes, lingerie and diapers, materials like leather, latex and silk, body fluids like sweat, urine, breast milk and blood, and body parts like hair, feet, buttocks, breasts and genitals.
We occasionally encounter someone who is so centered on her fetish that she can’t get off without it, although this is fairly rare. We suspect that if she lived in a culture where she could get her needs met easily and without shame, so that her fetish didn’t grow into an object of guilt-fueled obsession, this desire would become simply part of a broader range of sexual response. For most kinkyfolk, however, fetishes are the icing on the cake, something that boosts their sexual response but doesn’t substitute for it.
Things that look kinky ― are they?
Many a parent, sibling or friend has worried themselves to a frazzle fearing that young Johnny is getting “weird” ― i.e., he’s into kinky sex ― because he’s gotten a tattoo or a body piercing.
Many a parent, sibling or friend has worried themselves to a frazzle fearing that young Johnny is getting “weird” ― i.e., he’s into kinky sex ― because he’s gotten a tattoo or a body piercing.
Well, he may be; some kinkyfolk enjoy changing the appearance of their bodies with tattoos, piercings, and scars from cuttings or brandings, and some kinky pain practices leave behind marks which their owners wear with pride. But many people who do not identify as kinky nonetheless enjoy body modifications. The modification may be a statement of community or pride, designed to help like-minded individuals recognize its owner as a kindred spirit. Or it may be given as part of a ritual, part of a vision quest, to celebrate an important life transition or to reclaim the body after a bad experience: after all, the only person allowed to modify a body is its owner, right? (Dossie was once part of a circle of women chanting “No more rape! No more rape!” as the woman in the center had her labia pierced; the piercee had set up this ritual to reclaim her body and get closure on a traumatic experience from her past.) Or the individual involved may simply enjoy turning her body into a work of art, bright with color and flashing metal. Don’t forget that the brief flash of pain from the piercing, or the longer but less intense burn of the tattoo, is over quickly, often followed by a tidal wave of endorphins: the pain is brief, the euphoria will probably last till tomorrow.
If you think body modifications are too strange or weird, think about all your friends who have had breast enhancements, face lifts and other forms of cosmetic surgery - all body modifications with much higher risk than your average piercing or tattoo. The urge to change and decorate one’s body crosses all cultures and all of human history.
Some people also worry that piercings, tattoos and such on the skins of their loved ones may signal membership in a cult or other destructive social group. Our experience is that this is very rare - cultists may or may not be into body modification, and certainly represent only a tiny fraction of people with transformed bodies. It’s also true that some youth gangs sport identifying tattoos, but again, such marks represent a very small percentage of the tattooed bodies out there. If your child, friend, partner or sibling sports a tattoo or other mark that you don’t understand, simply ask her what, if anything, it means.
Many people also get concerned when they see a friend or relative dressing in leather or other fetish materials, or wearing symbols like collars. These days, such clothing is quite fashionable, and may or may not have anything to do with what the wearer likes to do sexually. Once again, if you’re not sure what someone’s leather catsuit or chain collar is all about, the best way to find out is to ask.
Dominance and submission.
Many kinkyfolk like to enact fantasies in which one person is powerful ― perhaps an owner, a disciplinarian, an abductor, a parent - and the other is powerless, a slave or a child or an animal or a captive. They may play with these roles for a short time, as an erotic escapade, or for longer periods - days, weeks or even years.
Many kinkyfolk like to enact fantasies in which one person is powerful ― perhaps an owner, a disciplinarian, an abductor, a parent - and the other is powerless, a slave or a child or an animal or a captive. They may play with these roles for a short time, as an erotic escapade, or for longer periods - days, weeks or even years.
This type of play can be alarming to contemplate. Often, it mimics situations such as slavery or abusive parenting that we know would be wrong if they took place in the real world. Or it may push our buttons as feminists or as people of color to see echoes of sexist or racist scenarios enacted for erotic fun.
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