B003B0W1QC EBOK (7 page)
Authors: Dossie Easton,Catherine A. Liszt
How does it work? Current theory among practitioners is that prolonged stressing of the body produces the release of neurotransmitters such as endorphins, which can bring about an altered state of consciousness akin to trance or spiritual communion. S/M people frequently discover spiritual awareness in play, and we can use our safe, sane and consensual skills to create a safe environment in which the spiritual seeker can explore ritual S/M.
S/M ritual uses the whole range of stimulations familiar to the pain player ― piercings, temporary and permanent, floggings, brandings, corseting, bondage, sensory deprivation, suspension - the entire spectrum of body stressors that the explorative can learn to do safely and serenely - along with more conventional trance induction through meditation, dancing and drumming.
Catherine writes of a deeply spiritual experience during an intense scene:
“I had been wishing for some months to wear the image of an elephant - a being with which I feel great emotional affinity - on my skin. When I heard that one of our community’s most respected body modification artists was performing a branding demonstration, and was looking for someone to be branded, I volunteered.
“Now, branding on human skin isn’t done the way it is on cowhide - as a single strike from a pre formed brand. Instead, small pieces of sheet metal are heated and pressed to the skin edge-first one at a time, to create an image that conforms to the body’s curves and that heals more safely and easily. But this technique makes branding a lengthier and more intense experience than you might imagine: the design we’d worked out would involve eleven separate strikes. I was looking forward to it with excitement but some trepidation.
“The evening came, and a group of supportive friends and onlookers gathered to watch the demonstration. The brander and his partner spent some time establishing an appropriate environment: they set up a small shrine around an image of Lord Ganesh, the Hindu elephant deity, burned incense, and led the group and me in breathing exercises. They marked the design on my leg, then had me lie comfortably on a table, supported by sandbags to help me hold my position. My partner stood near my head and held my hand.
“I heard the blowtorch go ‘whoosh,’then the brander told me to be ready for the first strike. It was unbelievably intense. I inhaled with a ragged gasp, and exhaled with a deep growl. My body convulsed, but I was able to hold my leg still.
“The second strike was even harder to handle. And on the third, I started to get scared: could I really manage eight more? My fear broke my concentration, and on the fourth stroke my leg jerked uncontrollably. Fortunately, the brander was able to pull the metal away from my skin before the design was ruined. But the stress and the failure were almost more than I could handle: I sobbed, grabbing my hair at the roots to try to maintain my emotional balance. The brander, concerned, asked me if I could go on - I took a deep breath and nodded.
“On the fifth strike, I was almost lifted off the table by a gust of orgasm-like energy that passed through my body like a hurricane, starting from my leg and tossing me in wave after wave, lasting for what felt like minutes. After it had passed, I began to giggle uncontrollably: my irreverent mind had called up the old joke, ‘Do you smoke after sex?’- ‘I don’t know, I never looked.’
“And then the next strike fell, and I began to journey through time. I traveled back and visited with my own child self. I held her close, told her I was doing this for her, that I would always take care of her, and that I loved her. My laughter turned to tears. During the final strokes, I cried and chanted to the little girl I once was, cherishing the short time I had with her.
“I look back on the brand, excruciating as it was, as an incredibly precious moment of healing - of my childhood, my aging, and myself. The actual mark has faded now to where you have to look carefully to see it at all, but I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything. ”
Yes, but is it sex?
If you’re accustomed to thinking of sex only as orgasm-seeking genital contact, some of the behaviors we’ve been describing may seem kind of confusing. (As Catherine said when she first started exploring kinky play: “When does someone get laid around here, anyway?”)
If you’re accustomed to thinking of sex only as orgasm-seeking genital contact, some of the behaviors we’ve been describing may seem kind of confusing. (As Catherine said when she first started exploring kinky play: “When does someone get laid around here, anyway?”)
Now might be a good time to begin expanding your definition of “sex.” In these virus-ridden times, when many conventional forms of sex carry a high risk of disease, that’s not such a bad idea anyway, right?
Some forms of play, like bondage or blindfolds or light spanking, may enhance sex that would otherwise not seem particularly kinky. Some folks use these activities as foreplay to increase their arousal so that they can get greater enjoyment out of conventional sex. A few people can get so aroused by kinky play that they can reach orgasm from these behaviors alone.
However, many people are perfectly happy to get flogged or to cross-dress or to be a puppy with no expectation of conventional genital sex. This can seem bewildering - what’s the point?
The reward to the player may be intensely emotional, intimate, or even transcendent, while not including any form of genital arousal or orgasm. Some spiritual seekers speak of the “kundalini orgasm” or “whole-body orgasm,” in which the player is swept away in a giant wave of sensation or emotion that is not genitally focused. (Catherine described one in the story you just read.) Other players find such a profound sense of “rightness” in exploring a chosen role that conventional sex seems unnecessary or even distracting. Still others simply enjoy the playfulness, intensity or intimacy of kinky play, and prefer to keep that side of their play separate from conventional sex.
So, as regards to the question that started this section, the answer is: We don’t know. The best definition we’ve come up with is that sex is anything that makes you feel sexy - and sometimes you might just have to take your friend or relative’s word for what makes her feel sexy.
6
How We Stay Safe
If you’ve seen all the movies, novels and other sensationalistic trash that shows kinky people as deranged and dangerous, it may surprise you to hear that we actually give a great deal of attention to our own physical and emotional safety and that of our partners. If you’re feeling worried that your friend or relative is going to be harmed by his participation in alternative sex, this chapter may help you relax a bit.
Does an S/M player simply throw her partner down on the floor and begin flailing away with a whip? (You’ve probably seen movies that show her doing just that.) Does a cross-dresser surprise his partner by greeting her at the door in high heels, a mini-skirt and the brand-new silk blouse she just bought herself last week?
Well, no - such behavior would be ethically unacceptable, and would also make it very difficult for them to find partners. It’s realistic to think of alternative sexuality as a high-risk sport like scuba-diving or mountain climbing - an activity that has some risk, but whose risks can be lessened with knowledge, care and forethought. So how does your kinky person engage in his chosen “sport” with the greatest possible safety and responsibility? Here are some of the ways:
With care.
That means care for each other’s well-being: physical, emotional and spiritual. We do what we do with care and respect for the amazing fact that another human being has chosen to meet us in this most intimate and vulnerable, as well as forbidden, world of fantasies and dreams come true. It is axiomatic among players that kinky play should be “safe, sane and consensual.”
That means care for each other’s well-being: physical, emotional and spiritual. We do what we do with care and respect for the amazing fact that another human being has chosen to meet us in this most intimate and vulnerable, as well as forbidden, world of fantasies and dreams come true. It is axiomatic among players that kinky play should be “safe, sane and consensual.”
With consent.
We have said before that we believe that true consent in all matters sexual involves an active collaboration by everyone involved for the pleasure and well-being of everybody. That means consent freely and happily given, not by rape or bullying or emotional blackmail (tactics which are unfortunately well-known in the world of people vastly more conservative than we). For us, because we explore in areas that carry so much potential risk, consent is sacred. So how do we work that out in practice?
We have said before that we believe that true consent in all matters sexual involves an active collaboration by everyone involved for the pleasure and well-being of everybody. That means consent freely and happily given, not by rape or bullying or emotional blackmail (tactics which are unfortunately well-known in the world of people vastly more conservative than we). For us, because we explore in areas that carry so much potential risk, consent is sacred. So how do we work that out in practice?
With negotiation.
Kinky play, scenes and roles, limits and safety issues, are ideally negotiated in great detail in advance - preferably outside of the play environment, or what we call “scene space.” That means that it works better to discuss your desires and plans over breakfast, or maybe the day before, or in some neutral, unpressured space wherein the players can think clearly.
Kinky play, scenes and roles, limits and safety issues, are ideally negotiated in great detail in advance - preferably outside of the play environment, or what we call “scene space.” That means that it works better to discuss your desires and plans over breakfast, or maybe the day before, or in some neutral, unpressured space wherein the players can think clearly.
Consent doesn’t simply mean that one person tells another to go ahead and do whatever they like: thoughtful consent is a lot more detailed than this. Consent really means that both players have a line item veto, and that means they need to know what is going to be on all the lines.
Your authors were asked at a presentation we did for a Mensa group, “You guys keep talking about negotiation, and I’m not sure what you mean by that. Could you show us what a negotiation looks like, please?” So we did: quickly, and without nearly as much detail as we’d probably use in a real-world negotiation, we play-acted the roles of a committed lesbian couple negotiating their first play scene together. Dossie suggested that she’d like to have her hands tied to the headboard and to be treated like a little girl, but specified that she didn’t want her feet tied and that she didn’t want any tickling or pain. Catherine suggested a test run on that new dildo the two of them just bought, and asked if Dossie would enjoy sucking on her nipples (Dossie would). At the end of this quickie demonstration, there was a shocked silence from the audience, broken only by someone saying wistfully, “I wish
everyone
did that.” Well, so do we.
everyone
did that.” Well, so do we.
An exercise which many players use to get them started negotiating is called “Yes-No-Maybe.” Both players set aside an uninterrupted hour or two, and sit down together with a huge pad of paper. They write down everything they can think of that two people could possibly do together sexually - everything from holding hands to the wildest kink they’ve ever heard of or imagined. They don’t hold back or censor themselves, just write everything down.
Next, each player takes a fresh sheet of paper, and mark three columns: Yes, No and Maybe. She takes all the items on the big list and puts the ones she feels just fine about under “Yes.” The ones she absolutely doesn’t want to do under any circumstances go under “No.” If she’d consider doing something if she felt safe enough, or turned on enough, or whatever, she puts it under “Maybe.”
Then, the partners make the easiest plan they can think of out of what they find in common on their “Yes” lists. They pick one or two activities to try the first time, saving “Maybes” for later when they feel more secure. As they start easy and build slowly over time, they gradually develop a repertoire of sexual and kinky skills while learning more about each other’s needs, wants and limits.
Old enough and sober enough.
We hope it’s clear by now that all the practices we’ve described in this book require an extremely high level of communication, emotional sophistication and ethics. It takes a long time to develop such sophistication. Thus, doing any sexual activity, particularly alternative sexual activities, with people under the age of consent in your state or country is not just illegal ― it’s a very bad idea.
We hope it’s clear by now that all the practices we’ve described in this book require an extremely high level of communication, emotional sophistication and ethics. It takes a long time to develop such sophistication. Thus, doing any sexual activity, particularly alternative sexual activities, with people under the age of consent in your state or country is not just illegal ― it’s a very bad idea.
Most children simply don’t have the emotional or intellectual ability to make truly informed choices about sexual behaviors; they also rarely have enough real-world power to take care of themselves if they’re being subjected to adult abuse or exploitation. They could really be harmed, and it is our job, as adults, to protect them from harm.
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