B0038M1ADS EBOK (50 page)

If you were the one who cheated, then it's likely that you lack empathy, concern, and respect for your partner. If you want your relationship
to continue, accept that you'll have to make substantial, ongoing, lasting
reparations. Your partner will likely never trust you in the same way again,
and you better do whatever it takes to honestly and sincerely apologize,
without any "buts" or even a hint of excuse or justification. You're accountable for the consequences that ensue, including what you feel and your
partner's responses. Be completely honest in your answers to questions.
Don't tell partial truths or hide what really happened, which is an attempt
to control an uncontrollable situation. Also, don't make any excuses or
rationalize why you did what you did. You did it because you wanted to.
You didn't think or care about the consequences. It didn't matter how
much it could hurt your partner. Try to imagine and appreciate what
your partner is going through. There's rarely any justification for a purely
selfish act that ends up hurting someone else. Not believing or feeling
this indicates a lack of empathy and compassion. Pay attention and don't
detach from the jumble of thoughts and emotions going on inside (shame, guilt, avoidance, denial, fear, trying to figure out what to say or do, etc.).
Remember what you've put your partner and yourself through so you'll be
aware (and maybe get sick to your stomach) the next time you even get a
flicker of a thought about doing something like that again.

If your partner cheated on you, this is not about you. It could have
been because they were lonely, scared, depressed, overwhelmed, wanting
escape, under the influence of alcohol or drugs, under the influence of
pheromones (natural chemicals in the body thatact like perfumes to attract
people to each other), drawn by the sirens' song, taking their aggression
out on you (or themselves), or a narcissistic asshole. Who knows? Does the
reason for their behavior make any difference?

Your partner may try to convince you that it was a stupid and insensitive act that "meant nothing" because they were overwhelmed by whatever;
or give you any of a thousand other rationalizations, denials, excuses, or
reasons why they did what they did, and why they'll never, ever do it again.
None of these statements mean crap, no matter how much your partner
believes them or how much you want to believe them. Why? Because, it's
impossible to absolutely know why humans do what they do. Your partner
broke their commitment to you, and it's hurtful, unloving, disrespectful,
unkind, cruel, risky, disgusting, etc. (it was certainly more than "stupid"
and "insensitive"); but why it happened isn't clear-cut. They were only
doing what they were capable of at that time-no better and no worse.
One thing is for sure-it's not about you.

Infidelity, or the potential for infidelity (thinking about it, wondering
about it, looking into it, fantasizing about it, etc.), happens in many, if not
most, committed relationships at one time or another. Human behavior is
not governed very well by societal and religious sanctions designed to hold
families and communities together (generally for the well-being of society,
the stability of families, and the interests of propriety and reasonableness).
Love, commitment, marriage, and human relations are enormously complex processes that aren't fully understood even after thousands of years
of experiential "research."

How you handle the situation, what actions you wish to take, whether
you still want to be with your partner, and whether or not you can (or want to) continue to love your partner despite what happened, are all things
you can deal with when you're ready. And when you're ready, completely
acknowledge how you feel-particularly those primary emotions of loss
(e.g., hurt, anger, sadness, grief, helplessness), and all of the other feelings
and values that are important in your experience of this relationship (e.g.,
love, commitment, loyalty, faith, ambivalence, pleasure, displeasure, disappointment, caring, empathy, passion, comfort, safety, etc.). Then as you face
this challenge, base your response (s) on what feels right to you and reflects
who you are now. Don't base your response (s) on self-blame, despondency,
depression, hopelessness, fear of being alone, rage, feelings of worthlessness (e.g., "I'll never find anyone better" or "I'm not attractive anymore"),
judgmental thought processes, "shoulds," "what-ifs," or what your friends,
society, your pastor, your rabbi, or your mother thinks you should do.

Many people assume there's always a right or a wrong option in a situation like this (e.g., "You must leave immediately" or "You must remain
for the sake of your kids"). However, there's no absolute right or wrong
option, other than the one that feels right for you. It may feel right to end
the relationship, or it may feel right to try to work things out and stay in it.
Furthermore, there's no requirement that once you make a "choice" that
you have to stick with it. You can change your mind depending on what's
true for you then (the "then" of the time you change your mind).

The bottom line in a situation like this is to recognize that you have
value; that your partner's behavior is about them and not you; that it
does hurt; that it happens very often (far too often in relationships); that
there's no right or wrong answer; and that you're free to respond in a
manner most consistent with your values, beliefs, feelings, and being. Follow your truth. Whether or not your relationship survives, you'll recover.
Relationships are complex, frustrating, wonderful, precious, meaningful,
and crazy. They can't be and don't need to be figured out.

It's possible for relationships to continue to grow even after the blows
of infidelity. When trust is broken, you can have faith in the ability to
recover. Recovery is not necessarily smooth; it can take a convoluted course
over a long period of time. It's possible to reconcile early on and feel a
greater sense of closeness accompanied by forgiveness and compassion, then falter later as a new sense of vulnerability shows up in the relationship. This sense of vulnerability can evoke memories of the hurt, lead to
doubt about reconciling in the first place, or a tendency to distance yourself from your spouse or partner. It's important to remember that the vulnerability was always there, part and parcel of any intimate relationship,
but has been exposed through the unfaithfulness. Feeling exposed in this
way is uncomfortable, and it's normal to want to avoid it. Stay connected to
your vulnerability; it's precious and powerful. It's a testament to how much
you feel, care, and love.

HELPING YOUR CHILDREN COPE WITH THE STRESSES OF
DEPLOYMENT AND TRANSITION

Children and adolescents are impacted in numerous ways by deployment
and the transition home. They experience many of the same feelings and
fears as adults, but are less able to express them verbally. Children and
adolescents need a sense of security, a consistent routine without too many
disruptions, and a loving parent or guardian who is consistently present in
their lives. When they experience stress, they often act out, behave aggressively, develop academic problems, skip school, or have other behavioral
problems. Things that point to a potential mental health problem include
irritability; aggression; getting in fights; withdrawing from friends; acting
unhappy, sad, or depressed; academic problems; or, if you get calls from
teachers expressing concern.

The most important things you can provide your children are your
love, time, attention, reassurance, and encouragement, as well as a consistent, secure, stable, and safe environment for them to grow and develop.
Give them honest and direct answers to their questions suitable to their
age, be available to them, make time to do things they enjoy, and set clear
boundaries and rules that you're comfortable with and will be able to
enforce. Children and adolescents will always see how far they can push
the limits or how much they can get away with before you say "no" or need
to discipline them. That's their "job." It's important that you make it clear
what you expect, where the line is, and what will happen if they cross that line. When they do cross the line, it's important that you follow through
on what you indicated would happen. This is how children learn what is
right and appropriate.

Codependency and Your Children

The discussion on codependency concerns your children as well. If you
make excuses for your warrior or facilitate negative behaviors in some way,
your kids will also learn to do this. It's important for their growth and
development that they experience your sense of self-confidence and ability to stand up for what you believe and what is true for you. Life is complicated and difficult, but if they see that you're clear about who you are
and what you value, their self-confidence will grow. For example, if your
warrior is frequently in a rage or avoiding things they should be doing, and
you're walking on eggshells and afraid to confront or address the situation, then your kids will also start walking on eggshells and experience the
same fears and uncertainties. If you address the situation directly and from
your own sense of what's right for you, you'll help your children to understand the importance of having a sense of their own value. For example,
if you're considering separation or divorce, but are filled with guilt, anxiety, and self-doubt, then your kids may also become anxious, fearful, and
depressed. If, on the other hand, you're clear about what you're doing,
and know what's true for you, it'll help to reassure your kids that they'll be
taken care of and continue to have the love and support they need.

Children and Counseling

There are times when children may need professional help. It can be very
difficult to find a mental health professional with training in counseling
children because of their limited availability. The best place to start is to ask
for a referral from your child's pediatrician. You'll probably have to be persistent and assertive to get the support you need through your health-care
plan. Sometimes the only professionals who are available are ones who don't
accept insurance, which puts you in a difficult position of having to decide
if you will pay out of pocket. If there's a crisis situation, you can take your
child to an emergency room or call one of the crisis numbers listed earlier. To close this chapter, my wife, Charise Hoge, also an author (A Portable
Identity), has the following story to share from her experience:

Soon after I got the news that my husband, Charlie, would be deployed to
Iraq, I got a raging sore throat and felt like someone had whacked me on
the back of my head. I also started to look at Charlie as if he were a ghosta fleeting presence-especially if he was acting normal, talking and laughing. Looking back, I must have been terrified of what was about to happen,
and it made no sense to me that life was going on as usual.

Then Charlie decided to gather the family together for a going-away
speech, which was akin to speaking from beyond the grave, as he thanked
each of us for being in his life and told us he wanted us to know how
much he loved us in case anything happened to him during deployment.
Our teenage daughter and I fell into tears, and our youngest daughter
just sat there, probably too young to process all the "what-ifs" in the conversation.

Seeing how he seemed to have a handle on what was happening, I
began to feel a divide in our experience of the same event. He was moving
forward, preparing for his first-ever war experience, and I was staying
behind, unsure how to cope with our separation. We had already been married for twenty-two years.

So let me entertain you with some of my internal gyrations that surfaced as thoughts or feelings pre-deployment. I felt that I was being left
behind, abandoned, and that nobody cared. I felt that the Army was stealing my husband away from me like some evil sorcerer who I was powerless
to reach. I felt that the whole situation was unfair to me, my marriage,
and my family.

I didn't know anyone else who was in the same situation as myself.
I was not living on a military post, and I had never imagined that my
husband would be sent to do research in a war zone. I was dismayed when
I received two identical packets in the mail (a week apart) with information on support for spouses during deployment. Didn't anyone know I'd
already gotten the first one? Was the system of support that disorganized
and impersonal?

I wondered how the war experience would change our relationship.
Our lives had been intertwined for so long, going back to college days. He
was usually the first person I would want to share anything with, and anytime we were apart for travels (conferences and such), I missed having him
around to talk to. I also wondered if I'd go nuts without physical contact.
How would I deal with missing him?

We didn't talk about any of this. It was like he was already gone; his
focus was on doing whatever it took to ready himself for being in Iraq. He
had all this equipment spread out in the sunroom-I dubbed it the "deployment room'-as he was going through lists of supplies to bring.