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F) Don't be afraid to make contact with close family members and friends
of your buddy if you're inclined to do this. Warriors often hesitate to do
this, mostly out of fear that it will be too painful to handle-either for
themselves or the family-or that the family will want information about what happened that contradicts the more sanitized official versions that
they may have received. However, making contact can be enormously
healing for the warrior, as well as the family, because it provides a way for
everyone to share memories of someone they all cared deeply for. It can
also help in the process of saying good-bye, because warriors are often not
able to make it to funeral or memorial services. Saying good-bye is a way of
honoring the memories of their buddy.

Although making contact with a spouse or family members might help
in the grief process, it's important to be very attentive to their needs and
to not provide information that isn't desired or asked for. It's best to keep
things general by letting the family know that you were a good friend from
the same unit, and by expressing your love for your buddy, the fact that
you miss them, and that you're sorry for the family's loss. If there's something that you would like to know, like where you can visit the grave, ask;
this provides a good way to make an initial contact, and the family will
appreciate that you're interested in honoring your buddy in some way.

You can also gently let the family know that if they have questions or if
there's something that you can assist them with, you're available, but don't
volunteer information about what happened in the combat zone without
being directly asked, and don't make contact if this is your main intention.
If the family expresses a desire to know exactly what happened, warn them
before you provide information that it may not be easy for them (or you)
to talk about. Ask them how much detail or information they want, and let
them make the decision. It may be helpful for you to have another buddy
with you, or for the family member to also have a trusted friend with them.
There aren't any good rules on how to handle this type of communication.
Many families want honest and complete answers; others are content with
the information that has been provided, and are appreciative simply that a
close friend from the unit has reached out to share in their grief. This is a
very personal and individual experience.

G) Finally, seek solace and comfort in whatever way works best for you,
whether it's through your religious faith, the support of loved ones and close
friends, or taking a walk in the mountains. Life is a journey, and part of this journey is to honor the memories of those who have gone before us, and in
turn, to give the gift of memories to those who will remain after we are gone.

SKILL 5: ACCEPTING OTHER DIFFICULT EVENTS THAT
HAPPENED IN COMBAT

The final skill in this chapter is accepting all the things that happened in
combat that you would rather forget or not talk about. This can include
witnessing collateral casualties involving women and children, seeing the
results of brutality or torture, witnessing ethical misconduct by fellow
warriors, treating combatants or noncombatants inhumanely, and killing. War is hell. It is a totally insane human undertaking in which life,
death, and suffering are intertwined and inescapable. Collateral casualties occur. Warriors often feel helpless to protect civilians, although this
is one of their responsibilities, and sometimes the enemy uses women or
children as shields or weapons themselves. Rage may get out of control,
particularly when there are casualties in a warrior's unit. Rage and fear,
in combination with exhaustion and sleep deprivation, can sometimes
result in warriors taking out their aggression in inappropriate ways.

In two surveys conducted in Iraq in 2006 and 2007, approximately
10 percent of soldiers and marines reported that they had unnecessarily
damaged Iraqi property, and 5 percent reported that they had kicked or
hit a noncombatant unnecessarily. Units that had experienced high levels
of combat intensity or high levels of PTSD symptoms reported higher rates
of ethical misconduct.

Upon returning home, warriors frequently report feelings of
remorse, regret, guilt, and shame related to things they witnessed or
participated in. Some of the things can't be discussed for fear of prosecution. Some are too gruesome to discuss with a civilian therapist or
loved one. Some are associated with so much shame that the warrior
is too embarrassed. In all these instances, the warrior is left holding
the bag and trying to find a way to bury these images and memories.
Warriors sometimes ask me if they are "a killer" because they killed on
the battlefield. They sometimes express the belief that they are unwor thy of love because they acted inhumanely or did not stop inhumane
treatment from occurring. Living with these experiences can be very
difficult, and a warrior may come to believe that how they acted on the
battlefield reflects their true identity.

One thing that is misunderstood is the topic of killing during combat.
Contrary to what some people believe, killing the enemy isn't difficult. That's
what war is about, and success in combat means neutralizing the enemy by
whatever means possible before they neutralize you. As one warrior said, "It
takes about a second." Killing isn't something that's just drummed into you
through training. The capacity to kill is in all of us. When threatened, we
fight or flee depending on the situation. If the lives of our loved ones are
threatened, we'll kill to defend them. If the lives of our buddies are threatened in combat, we'll kill. If our own life is threatened, we'll kill.

In all of these situations, it's understandable that there isn't remorse,
and anyone who thinks that there should be is passing judgment. Warriors sometimes report increased stress, including PTSD symptoms, in
situations where they're constrained from killing; for example, they witness severe ethnic violence but are prohibited by the rules of engagement
(ROE) from intervening.

The situations that may bring about remorse (as well as regret, guilt,
shame, and second-guessing) are those that involve collateral or friendlyfire casualties, those in which you somehow connect with the person who
was killed, or feel like you failed in your responsibility to protect someone. One battalion commander told me what caused him to question his
actions on a mission was when he saw photos of an enemy combatant's
wife and children that were on him when he was killed. Suddenly, the
enemy had a human face-not any different than his own-and this officer started to wonder if there were things that could have been done to
capture this combatant rather than kill him.

A soldier on guard duty at a checkpoint near Taji, Iraq, tore himself
up with guilt after opening fire on a vehicle that he thought was a suicide bomber (because it was moving too fast and erratically) but actually
turned out to be an Iraqi family driving that way because they were scared.
Friendly-fire and collateral casualties involving women and children can be particularly painful and difficult. Part of a warrior's job is to protect
innocent people, and they can experience remorse or guilt when they
believe they've failed in that responsibility.

Not infrequently, a group of warriors (e.g., a squad or platoon) will act
in ways that are not consistent with the values of all individuals in the group.
Rage may erupt in mistreatment of civilian noncombatants or detainees, and
fellow unit members will later feel guilty that they didn't intervene. What is
often not appreciated is how powerful group processes are. Since your life
and those of all of your team members depend completely on one another,
you'll hesitate to step into a situation that involves confronting a fellow unit
member. Unit cohesion is one of the strongest protective mechanisms for
a combat unit, and going against another unit member in your group can
mean putting yourself at risk, tantamount to suicide in some combat environments. You would be crazy to intervene in some circumstances, even if
the situation that is occurring is morally wrong. However, this fact is often
ignored, and when warriors later start to go over what happened in their
minds, it's not uncommon for them to believe that they should have had the
ability or courage to do something differently.

In combat, where there is high threat, high ambiguity, extreme physical
stress, sleep deprivation, and rapidly changing requirements, mistakes happen, and situations like all of the examples above can be over before anyone
has time to think about them. Then, when time catches up, the thoughts,
guilt, second-guessing, remorse, shame, and other reactions set in.

All of the previous learning material concerning grief, guilt, "why"
questions, blame, catch-22s, the nature of choice, and primary and complex emotions apply to these situations as well. As in previous skills, the
first thing to consider in addressing your reactions to situations such as
these is to acknowledge their existence.

These situations can encompass complicated forms of loss and emotions (e.g., loss of innocence, loss of certainty in a just world, loss of one's
sense of identity, living with the horror or disgust associated with the memories, or feeling like one has failed). Next, it's important to connect with
the primary emotions and, to the best of your ability, let go of complex
emotions and unanswerable questions that leave you condemning and beating up on yourself. There are so many factors that influence what happens in the war zone; there's no point going back over a situation to try
and find ways to "undo" it or to resolve it in your mind. Accept that you did
what you could do at the time in a completely insane situation, and that
perceiving different "choices" in hindsight is an illusion.

Here are some considerations that you may find helpful in accepting
other difficult things that happened in combat:

A) What happened on the battlefield is not who you are.

B) Accept that no one, not even you, is in any position to be the judge
of what happened on the battlefield. It's easy to look back at a situation
(pretending that time on the battlefield was logical and linear) and think
of things that could have been done differently; however, it's impossible for
the warrior to act differently than the way they did at that moment. That's
a hard pill to swallow. We all like to think of ourselves as always capable
of taking the high road in every situation by doing the "right," "moral,"
and just" act. However, the reality on the battlefield is that we are imperfect animals operating in an insane situation, where our lives (and those
of our brothers) are seriously threatened; where things happen in mere
seconds; where we're influenced by extreme physical stress, sleep deprivation, group processes, and a million other things; where mistakes happen
(like they always do); and in which "right," "moral," and 'just" can end up
being very unclear constructs.

You truly did the very best that you could downrange-the only thing
that you could have done under the circumstances you were in-and there's
no point second-guessing things based on your current ability to look back
in time, and your ability to believe now that somehow you could have done
something differently then that would have resulted in a better outcome. This
is very important to accept. (Also see chapter 7, skills 2 and 4.)

C) Try to find a way to talk about what happened with a therapist, a clergy
member, or close confidant, for all the reasons that were discussed in
chapter 6. Whatever the images or memories, whatever situations that occurred, none are too horrific or embarrassing to talk about. If there
were situations that have legal ramifications (e.g., murder, misconduct,
etc), ask your therapist about any limits of confidentiality, and get their
advice on how to talk about these situations without fear that they will be
put in records that could be subpoenaed. There are ways to talk about
how experiences affected you without sharing specific details about what
happened. One way or another, talk about your experiences and try to
work through any feelings that they evoke so you can come to understand
that your experiences downrange are not who you are-that you are much
greater than the individual experiences you've had.

D) It's your right to consult a lawyer before speaking with or confessing
anything to police or investigators about what happened downrange.
Even if the investigators treat you with the utmost respect afforded any
war hero (or lock you in a room with a one-way mirror and a single bag of
Doritos), it's your right to consult a lawyer. Warriors have been convicted
and imprisoned for murder related to battlefield scenarios that occurred
months or years earlier when there was absolutely no material evidence
available (no body, no weapon, only their testimony) and virtually no risk
that they would commit a similar crime in any other circumstance.

E) Find a way to make amends with yourself by giving back to the world
in positive ways, through charity, gifts, and compassionate acts in whatever way feels right for you. As a warrior with war-zone experience, you
have a unique perspective and an appreciation for the value and dignity of
human life and what it means to be compassionate. No matter what happened downrange, you're a warrior, and you always have the responsibility
to live to the fullest of your capability, doing good and righteous acts of
kindness and compassion that only a person with a warrior's experience,
knowledge, and wisdom can achieve.