B0038M1ADS EBOK (49 page)

STRENGTHENING YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND
CONSIDERATIONS FOR COPING WITH POSTWAR
REACTIONS OF YOUR WARRIOR

From the material contained in this book you're likely to gain a good
understanding of the reasons why your warrior reacts the way they do after
serving in a combat zone. Many of these reactions are normal and a result
of the body's physiological survival defenses. There is much information
on what the warrior can do to modulate their reactions, as well as how to
get help if necessary. In general, your responsibility lies in finding a way to
provide clear, honest, direct, authentic feedback to your warrior, as objectively as possible, all while taking care of yourself and being able to get
your own needs met. People need feedback to grow, mature, and develop;
healthy relationships depend on this. The challenge is how to provide this
in such away that it's appreciated and not rejected as nagging, meddling,
or interfering. It's also important to not become codependent by enabling
your warrior in some way to continue detrimental behaviors.

Suggestions for Strengthening the Relationship

Start sentences with "I" rather than "you. "

For example, "I'm worried about how your anger is affecting our kids" is
better than "You're hurting our kids with your anger." "I'm scared of your
anger" is better than "You're scaring me." "I'm sad that we're arguing so
much" is better than "You always argue with me." "I'm angry at what you
said" is better than "You make me angry." "I feel hurt that you seem so
distant" is better than "You're so distant from me." "I'm concerned about
how much you're avoiding going out or being with people" is better than
"You're avoiding everything and everybody."

The first statements starting with "I" express how you feel directly in
relation to your warrior's behavior. Each of the second statements starting
with "you" implies that there's something wrong with your warrior. Basically, stick with how you feel, rather than turning it into an attack on your
warrior. The same advice is useful for your warrior as well. Ask them to
start sentences with "I." Both of you may want to read the learning skills on
anger in chapter 7 (skill 4) for more information on this approach.

Communicate with your warrior.

If there's something that you want or need from your warrior, directly ask
for it. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need. "Honey, I need a hug."
"Honey, I need you to get off your ass and take the garbage out now." "Is
it possible for you to pick up the kids tomorrow, so I can have a break?"
"Can you stop by the store on your way home?" "It's important to me that
you control your anger." "Honey, I want to make love tonight." "I want you
to go shopping with me." This is normal behavior for couples, and just
because your warrior has returned from a war zone where they lived with
ever-present danger doesn't mean that they're a VIP, exempt from the
normal things that all couples do. Life goes on.

If there are important things that you want to communicate, let your
warrior know that you'd like to talk, give them a heads-up on what the
topic is (so their imagination doesn't run amok), and then work out a time
to sit down to do this. Don't launch into your concern without allowing
them at least a little time for preparation. They don't always do well with
sudden changes or what they might perceive as an attack. Speak directly
from your feelings and perceptions. Tell them how you are affected personally and what concerns you want to see addressed. One piece of advice
for warriors is to listen to your spouse or partner. Try to figure out what
they're saying and be responsive to it. Accept their feedback, suggestions,
and assistance. Even if you don't agree with it or get annoyed by it, there's
always something deeper to pay attention to. Be grateful that you have
each other in your lives.

It's really true that men and women have completely different ways
of communicating. Women tend to express how they feel in direct, indirect, and apparently illogical ways. This drives men crazy. Men think that
expressing themselves means talking things out in a logical, rational manner. This drives women crazy. Each feels that the other is wrong and isn't
listening or appreciating them. There isn't really any way to fix this, other
than to recognize it and find a way to laugh about it (although you might
want to be careful when you laugh).

Men, when you can't make sense of what your woman is saying, the
general advice is to listen attentively, don't make any excuses or argue with her (certainly don't point out how you think she's being illogical), tell her
that you love her, and take her in your arms at the earliest opportunity
that she allows (and not a moment before). Women, when your man is
going off into rational, logical, fix-it la-la land (we men should hear ourselves sometimes), the general advice is to listen attentively, don't make
any excuses or argue, tell him that you love him, and find a way to take him
in your arms at the earliest opportunity, which generally will be quite a bit
longer because he has to finish his lengthy logical diatribe. (You also have
the added skill of being able to turn on your seductive magic to facilitate
his brain turning to mush.) If you get really frustrated or bored listening
to your man "express" himself, call up a friend and get out of the house
for a while.

It's not your job to change your warrior.

They need to do this for themselves. (Warriors, the same thing applies to
you; you can't change your spouse or partner.) You can love them, make
them laugh, tease or cajole them, praise them, get angry with them, get
frustrated with them, expect them to act differently, demand they act differently, request that they go see a counselor, etc. But in the end, they'll
do what they do, and what they do is not up to you and not about you. This
gets into the next point on codependency.

Don't become codependent by enabling your warrior to continue
detrimental behaviors.

Codependency is defined as acting in a way that inadvertently facilitates
(enables) the negative behaviors that your warrior is exhibiting. For example, if you walk on eggshells all the time around your warrior, they will
come to expect a very quiet and organized household and won't ever learn
how to live with noise, unpredictability, or chaos. Oddly, warriors are often
much more capable of dealing with extreme chaos on the battlefield than
with the more mundane chaos at home. Nevertheless, that doesn't mean
that it has to stay that way if it doesn't work for you. If you always go to
the store because your warrior gets bad reactions when they go, then you
may be enabling them to continue this pattern of behavior. If you make excuses for their rage or their avoidance, then this implicitly permits them
to continue to behave this way. If you always place your warrior's needs or
wants above yours, then they'll come to expect this on an ongoing basis,
and you'll eventually end up feeling resentful, dissatisfied, or unfulfilled.
The bottom line is not to compromise the way you want to live because of
how your warrior behaves.

All relationships involve some level of mutual dependency. The trick
is not to let the dependency become an ingrained, ongoing pattern of
behavior that compromises who you are. To do this, you want to ensure
that you maintain your own independence and self-confidence, not make
excuses for your warrior's behaviors, and be clear about your own values,
beliefs, and needs. Stay true to yourself and who you are at all times. You
too have a warrior spirit inside you.

Values have to do with our sense of self-identity-who we are, what's
true for us as individuals-and they are almost always reflected in the little
things we do. If you like a very quiet household and like doing all of the
grocery shopping, then there's no issue; but if you want to blast your music
sometimes or you want your warrior to do some of the shopping, then
don't compromise your values by always agreeing to their preferences. If
you need a break from your work or your children and you want your warrior to step in and assist you, or you want your warrior to come with you to
some activity or function, then say so clearly, directly, and without anger
(expressing that this is important for you); don't compromise by making an excuse (to yourself or others) about why your warrior is somehow
unable to participate in the activity. As long as you feel that you're doing
what's right for you, then you're okay, but once you start compromising
your own sense of self, or sense of what feels right to you, then there's a
problem.

Getting help for domestic violence.

If your warrior is raging to the point of making you afraid or becoming abusive to you or your children, get help immediately. Contact the
National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800787-3224 (TTY). If your warrior is in the military, contact the social work or family advocacy services on post. Your warrior may be concerned that this
will affect their career, but these services are necessary and there to help
and support relationships and families.

Improve intimacy and sexual functioning.

If there are difficulties with intimacy or sexual functioning involving either
or both of you, the first thing to know is that it's probably not due to
anything physically wrong. Sexual problems are very common, reported
in up to half of couples. Sexual functioning-including the ability to get
aroused, maintain an erection, and reach orgasm-is highly affected by
stress, including work stress, relationship stress, the stress of caring for
children, emotional detachment or other reactions from war-zone experiences, worries about things that need to be done, anxiety, depression,
sleep disturbance, alcohol intake, recreational drug use, medications, and
numerous other factors. A problem with sexual functioning more than
likely reflects whatever else is going on in your life.

Things that help most include making time to enjoy each other's company, learning to express gratitude for each other, exploring intimacy in
various ways without specific sexual goals, and reducing anxiety by understanding that sexual intimacy has a "mind of its own" and isn't something
that necessarily responds whenever you want it to or think it should. Honesty is essential; if you are hiding things from each other, this can have
a big effect on intimacy. Take time to talk about what's going on in your
lives. Go on dates with each other. If you have kids, it's particularly important to schedule time for just the two of you.

Explore physical intimacy through touching, holding hands, hugging, cuddling, and making out, initially without the goal of intercourse
or orgasm. Talk with each other about what turns you on. Self-stimulation
during sexual activity with your partner is also natural. When together,
you and/or your partner may feel like touching yourself or masturbating
to get aroused or reach orgasm; it's natural. The more relaxed and comfortable you become with each other, and the more open you are about
what turns you on, the more comfortable things will be in the expression
of intimacy. If these types of things don't help, then see your doctor to get an evaluation and perhaps a prescription for one of the medicines that
can help.

Finally, for both of you, directly express gratitude and appreciation
for each other. Compliment and praise each other. Even if your partner
annoys or irritates you at times (and any healthy relationship will have
some of this), honor and give thanks for their presence in your life.

CONSIDERATIONS FOR COPING WITH INFIDELITY

Infidelity occurs all too often in committed relationships because of separation, loneliness, emotional detachment, desire for connection, fear, escape,
and for other reasons. Infidelity is experienced as a devastating loss, and a
blow to trust, innocence, and self-worth that can affect relationships forever.
When there is a strained relationship associated with infidelity, it's important
to believe in yourself, understand that you're doing the best you can, not
turn your feelings against yourself through judgments or complex emotions
of loss, not try to figure everything out, and learn from your experience.